Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

[sKePTiKal]

Coming back down to earth now. Took awhile.

I have NOT been able to focus my brain on much of practical worth. Just been bouncing around doing a little of this, a little of that... have gotten out of the house to go do different things and am "collecting" the pieces needed to begin tackling new projects down the road.

I played a little more with the online dating app... and got cold feet almost immediately. The "profiles" are so 2-D (like cardboard cutouts) and useless to me, that anyone who does manage to get a bit of humor or ego through the invisible wall of the website, are the ones who appear the most "human". Otherwise, I feel like these personalities are all just robots. And I find myself getting angry at them, of all things. Especially the ones who post their long list of "rules" about what they will/won't do or what is/isn't "acceptable" to them.

Pfffft. Like people are always zero or 100% anything all the time. They've so heavily defined the shape and depth and quality of the "hole" they're trying to fill, they aren't open to anything OTHER than that; they are limiting themselves so much it makes me wonder if they've ever lived a life with other people before.

And in part - it's the format of the website software that is causing some of that limitation and forcing people to focus on "looks" and availability (ie, location) more than anything else. The other thing that I've looked for and not found yet - is a way to block people that turn out to be nuisances/stalkers. The tools for talking to each other... leave a lot to be desired.

I figured I wasn't being "fair" in my assessment initially, so that's why I spent more time looking again. But I am actively turned off, insulted, angry and deep-down bothered by this phenomenon or means of "meeting" people. My account is active for a bit... so I'll keep at it, when I'm bored. But seriously not worth wasting my time "hoping" in that space.

My reaction isn't much different than how I felt in the 80s in the big city "meat markets" where people looked for relationships... temporary and otherwise. I want to ask some of these guys if they need to look at my teeth... before they decide it's OK to just TALK a bit. I don't operate in that realm of reality when it comes to other people - I see them as humans - a complex mix of lots & lots of things. Most people are really interesting in their uniqueness. Software tends to flatten all that tapestry of richness into something.......

stereotypical. That's what it is; that's why bugs the hell out of me about that "interface".

[Hopalong]

Oooo! Oooo!
I have as you might guess, so many opinions about online dating!

(I have met many very nice men. No chemistry but decent people. Wearisome chore to arrange the coffee dates--and I distrust correspondence flirtation that goes on and on, it sets one up for disappointment by the time actual chemistry is observed in person. Judith Sills says, meet QUICK. But...once in the coffee shop, out of people-curiosity, I almost always enjoy meeting them.)

But in the meantime, during the search, my two most-favorite peeves were:

1) "No baggage. I don't want any woman with baggage." (from 70 y/o men, divorced, etc.)
2) "No women my age. They've got to be 5-10+ years younger." (from the age-range they set)

My courteous, compassionate internal responses are:

1) I have lived more than six decades on this earth as a woman with successes, failures, wounds and healings and lessons learned. I am extending goodwill and courtesy to you and welcoming your life story with curiosity and an open heart. How about you take your no-baggage expectation, roll it up in a little tube, and figure out where it might fit.

2) You are entitled to a younger, healthier body to serve and delight you, but we are expected (en masse) to be content and turned on by older bodies that will slow, burden and most likely predecease us. But we should never object that you've ruled out all women your own age before even meeting, and should accept gracefully that this prejudice is our lucky fate. Toodles.

Ai and yi.

But Amber, notwithstanding...if you can, without driving too far or sacrificing too much....I do encourage you to go do the coffee dates anyway. Each time you meet a new man is PRACTICE. Looking at it that way lightens up the whole thing, and if you stay seriously in the PRESENT, you can have some interesting conversations, observe new personalities, hear meaningful stories...and the worst you risk is some boredom. It just reminds one that we are alive, vital, free to choose, and just as free to gently email a No, afterward. ("Thanks for taking the time to meet me. Although I enjoyed our conversation I realize that for me, it's not a romantic fit. I do wish you the best of luck in your search, and hope you soon find the perfect partner.)

The most important phrase in that template no-note is "for me." That is not up for argumentation and does not require defending. (So the rare fellow who would persist after receiving that message can be immediately blocked. In fact, I eventually got into the habit of sending that message, written in a gracious and genuinely kind tone...and then immediately blocking. So I closed off from any further stress over what HE would think. I was being honest and responsible and kind, and I was not in charge of protecting or helping him manage his own response. Fortunately, later in life I think more men are sanguine about it. It's true for women too, I have received the same kind kiss-off. No harm no foul.)

Okay, I'll quit vicariously dating now! Good luck with doing it or not doing it, whatever feels right for you.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, you are so funny: "take your no baggage expectation, roll it up in a little tube and figure out where it might fit"   Lol

Skep, I have much the same reaction to online dating.  I do think our consumer driven society has made dating a bit like ordering food at a drive through; people have a set list in their minds and kind of expect it delivered into their laps.  One profile I read had a long list of requirements in a woman, including her BMI and instructions on how to measure it because the guy was getting frustrated with women who were bigger than his specification turning up Lol.  I suspect as well that the true gems find it hard to shine on websites; they don't tend to do the endless boasting about their achievements, they're often a bit shy or get tongue tied and pictures only give you the surface bit, you can't tell if they're kind or loyal from those.  But I'm intrigued to hear some stories so I'm hoping you'll go on a few dates at least xx

[sKePTiKal]

I am cackling over here about "roll your requirements up in a tube" myself. OMG. I desperately need to figure out where I left my warped, twisted & sick sense of humor when it comes to this process. Even when Hol got that mischievioius, devious look in her eye and said: MOM. You could have so much fun with this. Make up stuff. Be creative. Don't even worry about THEM... they're doing it too. Even then, the reaction I had - but but but, this is SERIOUS stuff here.

And I think, that this is the way I've always approached this part of life. In a way, I'm projecting that hole in me that needs filling too... and it's a life or death seriousness I have about it, even if I don't make silly lists about people. And I'm looking based on my past experiences... and out of hand rejecting everything that comes along... and the reasons are legion and right there, thanks to my past. I don't think I want to re-run any past relationships... but the patterns are there; in my emotional "brain"... and of course, I'm doing the comparisons to the patterns, the deep-down non-verbal need to attach, and the rational hypervigilant, analytical - oh, no way, jose - judging.

I even tried talking to Dieter, my "guy in charge" at the shop about this. LOL... he put on his "dad" hat, knows I have that over-achiever energy... and told me to slow down, and be patient... that this will happen all in good time. Most of the time, I'm too busy to even think about it. I just don't have room in my head right now -- until I take a break like this -- to add anything else. I don't want to be that frazzled, going in that many directions at once, I kinda LIKE a more relaxed pace to things.

 
I think I'm putting the cart before the horse again. I'm still learning a lot about me - in this space of solitude - that I couldn't feel or see before, because there was always a relationship involved. I'm more fair in my self-judgements, and more validating than in the past... and resistant to the "shoulds" and asking "well, why NOT?"... than in the past. I know what the past me was trying to attach to, and WHY. And it would make sense that I don't need to learn those things again.

But I can't know what I'm looking for in a relationship or a guy (I know what I like; just not what the magic combination is) until I know the "new me" a little better. Yeah, I can always take my usual approach of "fly by the seat of my pants" and "surf life"... it's a good cure for boredom, but usually involves drama. Hmmmm. Guess the new me isn't as spontaneous - and that's not a word anyone would describe me with, old or new me.

[sKePTiKal]

Just following up on that idea...

I've been feeling kinda "stuck" - as in, unsure of what's "next" for me - not wanting to commit to even having the electrician come out and hang my new chandeliers... feeling like I needed to write out the dreck in my head... and making the ASSUMPTION that it was more Mike processing... and then, not ever opening the dang journal. Just floating & drifting along, distracting myself with this & that. Trying to talk to Ronnie about projects some... getting his feedback... and still not able to really organize myself and put me in gear again.

Not Mike processing. Not this time. This is "me" processing... feeling, noticing, knocking out the routines and trying something different... or not trying anything at all. Keeping some, looking for others, letting some old crap go... and it's all me. I keep listening for echoes of Twiggy in this space; she was pretty active in the first months of adjustment to life alone - a bit freaked out and scared. But there are only faint, gentle nudges in directions - that I'd already been thinking about anyway.

It's like I put off dealing with the "me" work in progress... until I'd reached this plateau of change, healing from the grief, etc. And now I just need to put in the time here - on me, for me - and try to sense what has changed and how I'm different now.

Hmmm. I wonder how long that's going to take? Spring is on it's way, and I still have important things to work on around here, when February is in the rear view mirror. It's a significant change for sure, that I've actually put myself "on the list"... with specific improvements started.

[lighter]

Hi Amber.

Reading your post what cane up for me was the anger you have with the on-line dating process.  There's an old African saying..... I'm paraphrasing here....
Anger is a lazy form of grief..... something like that.

That might make sense here.  Maybe not.

About all the live, die information about what perspective dates will and won't accept....
I like information.  I tended to give information like that in dating scenarios.  Sure, it hasn't worked out for me, but I understand the need to have important issues declared.

I hope you write in your journal soon. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I don't think it was grief fueling the anger this time, Light. It's how the medium - online dating - forces people to condense, and flatten, and limit their expression of who they are and what they "say" they are looking for into a job description/resume scenario. It's cold and inhuman - and that's what I'm reacting to, I think. Like looking at/talking to a robot.

I've been spending a fair amount of time trying to support some new widows, as well. One in particular is having a huge emotional storm and she's made several repeated comments about wishing she'd died with him, that have me herding her a little bit. Daily or twice daily check-ins to "take her emotional temp"; that kind of thing. Without trying to pressure her or criticize the intensity of the emotions. I know what that's like when you're drowning in it. She's not engaging much with people either. And I'm trying by asking questions, to get her to open up a bit - without violating a need for privacy, which I understand well.

So, because my rational mind knows I tend to relate to other people's difficulty, through the emotional lenses of my OWN... I'm working really hard on that reflex right now. It's as pernicious with me, as that professorial "we" I fall into a lot. I do fear for her safety - at least emotionally - right now. But that's the last thing I'm going to tell her. I'm just there checking to see how she's doing throughout the day -- as well as some others in that group. And trying to help her find her own way through.

So, I got asked to tell my loss story - again. And I did. That's something I needed to do, to be able to see where I was... and where I am now. I didn't know that until I finished up the story and started having conversations about some of my discoveries from that process with some others. I think that's why I had resistance about the journal, too btw. I had no desire or need to dive into those feelings again... even though it kept coming up as I dealt with the woman I'm trying to help. That empath reflex is kind of a curse sometimes.

The process of sharing my story with the other widows HELPED clear the deck again. I'm back in motion, making decisions, organizing things getting ready to move into spring/summer work season again. And I'm deliberately choosing not to swamp myself this year with commitments. I need to get caught up on some things I need to deal with - and can't sub out to anyone - and then, see where I am before I get the cart before the horse.

I also have to slow the pace down enough, so that I have time to revive some of those neglected areas of my life - that I put on hold while dealing with last summer's projects.

Other than that - it's F E B R U A R Y. My least favorite month. I'm sick of winter and being cold... but it continues. The holidays and fun are past. It's either too cold or too muddy to work outside... so blech. I've been going through my stack of saved "ideas" for decorating that have been sitting around for a year and actually ordering them. Living room is going to change "flavor" in the month or so.

[lighter]

Amber....the wet mucky water logged earth is moss heaven.  I'm in the yard pulling weeds, and planting happy moss.... it's lovely.  Sorry it's not a productive time for you out of doors right now.  I always have big containers if moss waiting to be re homed... The ice and snow don't bother it.  I can drown it, so have to watch that, but it's hard to kill stuff, which works well for me.  When snow melts there's new sporophytes everywhere.  I'm shocked that weeds seem to grow in the Winter too, but I'm trying to stay on top of it.

It's good you're working through the mourning process alongside your widows.  Sometimes we're willing to go to painful places for the sake of others, IME, but not for ourselves.  I'm interested in what you say to the widow wishing she could follow her husband. 

I want to pick your brain on some renovation matters.  Will do it on another thread.

I'm glad your in motion again.  I'm resisting some icky paperwork things myself.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

This is true what you say, about what we'll do for others that we won't do for ourselves. At least, with me. But I also think, this is akin to when a grad student takes a freshman by the hand, and gets them acquainted with the college "universe". Still getting organized, and trying to get some useful input from the widow in question... it's kinda hard when people clam up and you don't even know which part of the process they're really dealing with because their only expressions are so cryptic; or in "code".

On the other hand, it does put me in danger of re-injuring or re-opening my own wounds... and the Amy thing is right now, a big issue with Holly - who is having a tough time with some things I've accepted; but she hasn't. This just came out of the blue at me last night. I "think" I know a) what she wants and b) her problem with why it's not going to happen. But every time I get close to being sure of things like this... it goes in another direction.

So, the rest of the group is going to have to jump in and help support our struggling birdy widow, until I can get the Holly-meister to grok a few things about boundaries, over-responsibility, and mental illness. She's not emotionally accepted some things, and that burr keeps rubbing her the wrong way all the time. Of course she's miserable over it.

I know my limits better than I used to and I can't possibly keep my wits about me, trying to field two things like this at once... especially since I have to work hard to protect myself in the process. I don't want to screw up or drag someone down the wrong paths... I want them to find their own, do the work themselves, and then own the results... whatever they end up being.

I wish it was time to play in the dirt here Lighter. But it'll be at least another month or more. I still have plenty to do, as piddly and insignificant they are in the scope of "life"... they are still important.

[lighter]

Amber,
I'm still learning how to erect and enforce boundaries.  Good luck to Hol figuring it out regarding her sister, and nephews....so hard to accept self destructive choices and pd's in loved ones.   We have to learn how to sit still and do nothing when we're feeling like our skin might come off....that we must DO in order to save people we can't possibly save, IME.  I'm aware, just not in control enough to lay down feeling responsible and get on with life.  There's hope of peace in understanding it's possible.....in contemplating not feeling like I can fix or change others or outcomes.

I think I about have it licked with my oldest dd17 then realize I don't, but there's huge hope in practice.

I'm conflicted about what it means to me to stop the patterns, to focus on my business and let others learn from example to do the same, but that's what it is, I think.

Being consistent is difficult, even if we understand, IME.  What seems to be hard is making peace with myself if I do manage healthy boundaries.  I know it's relief....
and release of wasted unhelpful struggle, yet.... it's hard to keep it in focus.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I think Holly heard herself say exactly what I'm going to email her later on. She is so verbal - and so very good at expressing herself verbally - that if I want to be heard, I'm better off writing her.

It's already done in draft form; I'll send it later today. She already knows - given the gist of her texts today - what she's doing to herself.

I just checked the extended weather forecast - looks like temps are gradually easing their way toward spring. This will be the last super cold night for awhile anyway. So I'd better get my office files put together. The minute it gets decent outside - I have big work to do.

[sKePTiKal]

Still processing here.

I should know better than to feel to much compassion/empathy for people to the point that I rub all my own wounds the wrong way. The widow I've focused on... Holly... and oh my... the feral black kitty showed up last night in terrible shape. Very sick; I'm guessing some kind of respiratory problem and as much I felt sorry for the poor thing and wished I could help it...

I grabbed Freddie, put him inside for the night... and then emptied and washed the porch bowls in extremely hot soapy water. Kitty went away some time later. I'll take a walk around this morning when it warms up and try to find it. With Freddie going in/out... he could drag something contagious inside to mio-mio. So he's going to make the trip to the vet's, for shots.

Mio-mio is still having box issues. But she's back to her old self... playing... even chasing Freddie around and ambushing him. LOL... he is SUCH a wussy-cat. Twice as big and less then half as old as she is... but she is senior cat inside and rules the roost. She goes to the door hoping he comes in now. Puts up a big fuss... and then settles down close to him, when he's inside. She doesnt fool me.

I hope Hops posts an update soon. With all the stuff going on in her life, I'm wondering how she's doing? Hope she hasn't caught the crud that's been going around.

[Hopalong]

Hey ((((Youse))))--

Thanks for asking about me!
I'm okay but kinda swamped.

Got filmed for a local documentary about my state university's shameful "coeducation" (not) history, which I was directly affected by...it was nice. I felt as though a story that has made a profound mark on me for my whole life (and many other girls who weren't welcomed to speak then either), is now on celluloid (hah) and out of my chest. Glad I did it.

I'm generally very tired but pretty good...feeling engaged in my work and my novel and...sorta...in the relationship with B. I'll write about that over on Heist soon.

Tonight gotta focus on winding down and sleeping earlier--was awake until 330 this am and put in a long day with the Gent. Poor guy is failing and I feel like his companion in the end days.....

Hugs to all,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

ooooo.... that's tough Hops. Talk about boundaries. You can lean on us, you know. I'm not always "on point" - I know that - but I'll do my best.

Got a bunch of crap going on... all while looking like nothing is going on. Sheesh. What a phenomenon. I truly think the Gods have fated me NOT to have a simple life. Try as might.

[sKePTiKal]

To explain my cryptic-ness...

Amy called last night. She was her genuine self - mostly. Said she'd been in an emotional "hole" for 4-5 days... and that she can't work like this (she's the EMT side of medical transport; scary thought)... and that what she really wants, right now... is a referral to a therapist who can help figure out why she's compelled to be self-destructive (with a strong will, determination & purpose) and stop doing it.

SIGH. Here we go again. Part of me doesn't believe her statement that she knows she really needs help. At all. But it is exactly the thing that I - and Holly - wish for her, so that perhaps we can have something approaching a family relationship. What choice was there, except to offer support to her in this endeavor? At the moment, it's just moral support - but the "plan" includes her not hesitating to ask mom for financial support to be able to stick out the therapy, if needed.

I'll be checking back in with her early next week, to see if she's following up on what she said she wants to do. It was eerily spot-on with those private prayers one offers up in hopes that a person "wakes up" and begins to matter enough to themselves to finally find the path back to the light. So, to protect myself I can't allow myself to hope that she's truly serious this time.

At some point, if it does look like she's going to follow through... I'll let Holly in on it. But for the time being she needs to focus on her own life and stop obsessing on her sis... and trying to substitute for Mom in Amy's life... when Amy and I have been working through the communication issues and trying to establish some 'thing' between us. Some trust. Maybe I'm being led down the delusional garden path again... and if so, I can bear the disappointment a little better than Holly can right now.

One baby step at a time... so I don't get massively hurt again.