Relationship/s

[Hopalong]

Hmm. I'd invited him to bring his pooch to my yard and patio sit. He later emailed that Friday is going to be warm and can we meet downtown. I called back because I don't enjoy our emailing. I'm too rambling and he's too terse.

Anyway, turns out he'd wanted to meet downtown because he has another errand there and said we'd have about 45 minutes ("Is that enough, to catch up?"). I just don't feel motivated to get moving earlier than usual, dress properly, find parking and get to the Mall for a fairly rushed meet. Not a very relaxing prospect. Plus, I have a possible yard helper coming Friday so it'd be better for me to be home.

I declined and suggested he get in touch after his next trip. He's very busy and that's a good thing for him. But I am not holding my breath. If he finds his way to a more relaxed time frame it'd be enjoyable. This just felt too constricted for me.

His dog's daycare schedule is a high priority and he's ignored my suggestion to bring him over. So I dunno -- maybe he's making excuses or just doesn't have time (or enough interest to make the time).

Feel okay about it. I was privately getting irritated and there's no point to that. He owes me nothing but I don't enjoy the uncertainty. My problem, not his.

I will look into relaxing around it. I don't think the Scot will change my life (or vice versa) so it's best to let it go, pronto.

Should he call again then I'd feel reciprocal interest was present enough.

All good,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I think this is strike three.  He told you clearly he's not interested in a relationship.  He said he wanted to stay in touch as friends but then didn't call.  Now he's accepted (initially) your very thoughtful invitation for a drink free, dog friendly, covid avoiding social date and changed the arrangement to expecting you to haul arse to meet him in accordance with his schedule for a scant 45 minutes of his time.  I think getting irritated is a good thing; he sounds like he needs a bat up his kilt and your senses were telling you that.  He owes you the respect of doing what he said he was going to do, and he hasn't done that.  I think making it clear he can only spare you 45 minutes in between errands is bloody rude, quite frankly, and a truthful 'no thank you' would have been better.  I am hoping very much you meet someone who appreciates your thoughtful arrangements and is looking forward to spending a good chunk of time with you so that you can fill them in on your poetry, your refugee accommodation finding efforts, your elderly care group and so on.  You have an awful lot to give to the right person xx

[Hopalong]

I don't mind at all, Tupp. I am 90%+ in agreement.
Have been confused by his niceness and encouraging responses (email and phone) but you're right, behavior matters more than words.

I don't think he saw it as rude but perhaps it is. (In his life in NYCity and elsewhere everything's been rush-rush and important, but my life is intentionally a lot slower and simpler, which I think he's not interested in.) I gather he's so highly invested in working, writing articles etc that anything else takes second (or 10th) place. He's also mentioned other friends so I'm thinking he already has plenty.

I don't have to judge him for it but do want to accept what's real. I always do better with things spoken rather than not, so I may send a sort of summary  message explaining my sense that our senses of friendship-building vary so much that disappointment may lie in that direction. My idea of friendship building isn't rushed or superficial but he may be more comfortable with that. What I look for in friendship now is different as I think I'm in a life chapter where quality of friendships matters more than quantity. I enjoy relaxed long conversations with meaning rather than just occasional anecdote-swapping. He's likewise entitled to enjoy what he enjoys most. Staying in touch with a jammed list of folks he's known after decades of profound and satisfying world-changing work, and those people seem to mean a lot to him, which is a lovely thing. That ain't me--my career was meh.

It helped me when ending friendship illusions with M. to state it gracefully but unequivocally. It reinforced my decision. I think I may do that again.

It feels good to be honest with myself today, about old dead-horse-beating reflexes vs. speaking-up while letting-go. The speaking up part is about claiming my own needs and preferences as equal and following suit. Dunno if I'm exactly where I need to be but I do feel better when I'm not passive about this stuff.

And I don't feel anger. That implies attachment and there's no real basis for any. I've been hoovering out my head and the air is clearer in there. Some dust motes but at least I can see.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Felt even clearer.
Wrote him that if he'd like a relaxed visit of a couple hours, I'm in. I also asked him to clarify what week I'd be hearing from him (he mentioned another NYC trip so fast I didn't grasp the when). Added that if I don't hear by then, I'll just release the idea (meaning friendship) with sincere best wishes for him either way. (Anybody who really wanted to be a friend, I think, would be willing. He may, like M, consider professional long-term colleagues his friends, though I define it differently for myself.)

I have a new friend -- female -- coming over tomorrow, who responded when I wrote after getting to know her a bit at the beach asking, do you have room in your quiver for another friend? --Absolutely, I'd love to!. As Tupp says, the Scot has responded if not clearly at least consistently, by not offering anything like that. Confused me but not any more. What I saw as thoughtful ideas, he might have seen as scary. The man said he's not ready and I believe him. Whew.

Could seem pathetic but actually it felt good. I'm going to treat people with the courtesy with which I expect want to be treated, while bearing in mind that people have wildly varying ideas of what is normal and acceptable in their different heads. Again, he owes me nothing. What matters is what behavior I owe myself.

I remember some phrase I read somewhere: Be impeccable with your word.

All that was missing was me calmly asserting my preferences (which he is free to take or leave), and I think my message did that pretty clearly. IOW: commit to a couple hours if you genuinely enjoy that prospect; likewise be clear about when you'll be in touch. (No false or vague hints pass GO.) If he won't/doesn't, off he goes from my head --for good-- in a cloud of bubbles.

I don't want to spend my precious remaining time in anything faked.

Lighter, you're right that I likely scared him with my blunt honesty. I'm just too far gone in the transparency process to throttle it back now. If I scare men away then I'm not destined to be with a man again. I'm always gentle and compassionate even while direct. But maybe that's too much for most. If it is, I'm okay with it now.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amazing, post, Hops!  Shifting into acceptance of what is and getting on with it.  Cuts out the angst and ruminating, ime.  SO much clarity and choice there.

I'm glad you made a new friend on the beach trip, ((Hops.))

Lighters

[Hopalong]

Thanks, (((((Lighter))))).

It does feel like big progress.

One mistake I make with men is when they say something, you know -- using words -- I tend to take what they've said very literally.

He'd said "I certainly would like to share friendship" and all I heard was "certainly." It's just a polite phrase, looking back. But it zipped right into the what I wanted to hear category.

I am relieved that it got unearthed pretty fast, for me. Delusions disengaged.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

And some more...finishing up the pondering.
I'm relieved that the obvious eventually can get through my skull.

It was weird to me (but likely just a polite impulse to him) for him to state so definitely that he would call me after a trip to NYC ("at least a week") and then just never did. After my call and his response, it occurred to me that in this direction hurt would surely lie. After all, he was in town. Even without a meet scheduled for after his busy period -- he could have made a 5-minute call. (And I have the sense that being frantically busy is protective for him -- a grief thing and understandable.)

In a literal sense, I'm not quite as impressed with his relational ethics as I was. But I also think my own fantasies set me up and lead to expectations that are not right or realistic. It feels like a relief but in an unhealthy, temporary way, to judge him. He's not a creep, but seems unaware of (if not indifferent to) his impact in a way I got too used to rationalizing away with M. Perhaps M was my "medievalist" vaccine? LOL. But I was in an actual relationship with M, never with the Scot.

On the other hand (stepping back from blaming) -- I looked back at my messages to the Scot. SO accomodating, SO absent of any needs or preferences expressed at all. Stuff like: I'd value becoming your friend regardless, you're such an interesting person...and even ended one "Your pace, your pleasure" (as though I had no desire for more assurance about proceeding) in an effort to not scare him. Disregarding my truths: vulnerability and need to check in for clarity all the way.

And then I give a call after six weeks of nothing, he offers a rushed coffee and I have the options: 1) Go all deluded and Glenn Closey and whale on that deceased horse, or 2) re-embrace the mantra I came up with years ago in desperation over my inability to let go of an unavailable lover during a very hard/lonely period: Reality is my friend.

It really is.

Loneliness is a reality I'm struggling with also right now, but I've taken some active steps about that too. Joining a Zoom group that meets weekly via church and got a sweet welcoming message from one man who said the group has become for him like family, and was welcomed by two other people too. Already have two friends in it, a married couple I like a lot.

I Zoom with my T today and it'll be good to sum it up for her. Anxiety and loneliness have destabilized me and sapped my optimism lately. But I know I can push back.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

My T is more perceptive than I credit her for.

Really good session. She said, "You need a witness." And that I was doing deep work (I often express self-consciousness about talking so much and rambling, ADD style). She said my narratives aren't wordsmoke but represent a deep effort to understand what happens.

That was reassuring. Slowly, working with this T has evolved into a safe space. She never shames or judges and has been extremely patient adapting to my anxious style (depending on what's happening). I told her about my circadian plus anxiety patterns, and she said she hadn't fully understood that before. Daylight good, twilight the anxiety climbs. And its connection to how long I've gone without being in human contact. (How quickly it's stanched when I do have some.)

Something Lighter said and another thing I read today talked about containing some of the anxiety by exiting my own head, which is the same as not ruminating.

I think that's what thinking about other people or doing other things does. I absolutely must schedule more of that. To spend the winter feeding my anxiety by staying in my own head would be....STOOPID.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

I'm so glad you're feeling supported and safe with your T.  Esp with cold months coming up🥶

Lighter

[Phyll]

Dear Hops,
WOW.  So very clear.  I am amazed at how you looked at your needs and desires without judging the Scot.  Great work! 

Once upon a time (before on-line dating was big) I signed up for this expensive dating service.  It was very disappointing.  I called it "dating school" because I realized I only knew how to be taken hostage (still struggle with that).  I decided I had enough people in my life who really love me, that I did not have time for people who didn't.  Unfortunately, I think that set me up for the relationship with the narc I find myself in.  I expected too much and believed the unreality.

I find reading your posts and following your thought process towards this dating process very helpful in clearing my view. Thank you for sharing it here.

I am sorry you are experiencing loneliness.  I think there is a lot of that going around right now with this pandemic.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Phyll. That was an amazing image: only knowing how to be taken hostage. I love the power of it but am very sorry it's so long felt that way for you. Damn.

I'm doing much better. One key thing has been to arrange for some kind of contact with a human every day. Could be Zoom, or a call, or a visit. I really need to do that and when I do, it halts my slide.

The Scot responded "alarm bells are ringing" (to my message about I would like this and that). I felt instant guilt (oh how controlling I was) and then thought: well, maybe any assertive woman stating preferences would be "alarming." It was interesting that he used lots of ambivalent language, still. Words he closed with included "maybe" "in due time" and "for now" and stuff like that.

I knew the last thing I needed was no closure. He might be fine with endless ambivalence but I'm not -- not without harming my own peace. I replied a last time with emotional truth (which I knew would scare him allllll the way away, and am fine with). I said I'd felt hurt that he didn't call as he said he would simply because I'd believed him. And was slow to realize he didn't mean it. I invest time in friendship, but if he only wants quick and casual, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just not what I'm looking for. And that I've learned not to daydream about "maybes." In the end, we were "two stubborn lonesome old farts who can't compromise on how to get together" and, imo, both lost. Then wished him well, genuinely. And that's that.

It is too bad, but I'm relieved. I appreciate and have compassion for his fears and defenses, but I'm never again going to pursue anybody who's not reciprocating interest, and not with vague language I could hook myself with if not super careful. I know my weaknesses and I'm too old. My own comfort may get mellower and I may be less edgy about these things in time...but I'm not there yet. Might as well just be honest and damn the torpedoes. Beam me up, Scottie, I'm outta there.

For an interesting diversion, my first love is coming by later. He lives far away but comes to the area every December to go hunting near his family's old place. We've had dinner at this time of year several times -- last time he called I was with M and felt uncomfortable about it so declined. But now I'm not and I'll be happy to see him. Friends ONLY (he's married) but we do have tender feelings for each other and nostalgia we share. He's handsome as ever and it does my heart good to see him.

We have little in common and wouldn't make an appropriate pairing now even if he were single, but I loved him once with all my heart and vice versa and it's a nice reminder. (After the last visit he had "run away with me" fantasies but I thought: hmmmm, move to Wyoming and help you open a gun business? Cough. LOL.)

Every single human relationship is a chance to learn and to find some light even when you must turn away from someone, I think. I'm feeling better. Life will present more people, or pooches or heck, birds to love.

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Amazing post, Hops. 

Like a clear blue stream of water carried away all mental flotsam..... unadorned truth revealed.

Whatever the Scot's struggle, it's his and he  lost out, imo. Truly.

I hope you and pooch are enjoying beautiful weather on the porch.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you, ((((((Lighter))))).
You are so affirming; I truly appreciate it.

Pooch and I had a lovely afternoon while housecleaner and leaf mulcher were here. Went to the bank and brought them both back surprise (generous) early-Xmas envelopes. Went on a visit mission to old friend J who's been sidelined since a replaced hip. Took her early dinner and as she's a major Pooch fan, she really enjoyed our visit. And we did too.

Coming home the sky was streaked with sunset light and the temp was still mild so we enjoyed a snail's-pace walk that did us both good. Sunsets are gorgeous here...and there are gaps in certain places where you can see the western range.

On the eastern side is a foothill euphemistically called a "mountain" but even though it's developed, it's all twinkly. I love the contrast of the Serious Mtsn in the distance on one side, and walk another block and look the other way to the foothill twinkling.

Feel so lucky to be here, to live here, to be getting better.

First-love's visit was nostalgic and meaningful but also a nice way to review my life (met him as a teenager). He did the same. We both have regrets but also feel philosophical about the different paths we took. I was so stirred up with memories that I was awake all night but slept in and then did other things today. All good.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I'm still in love...with both of them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVz-ZDiAgTs

[Hopalong]

I think something good (and bad) happened, but for me personally, balance: good.

Met an attractive, kind man (online) in a church discussion group. Remember feeling a bit curious as to why he's in THIS discussion group when he lives in another town (and is also a member at another church in an in-between town). Hmmm. But anyway, we've had a little friendly correspondence (the group asked to read some of my stuff, poems and a lay "sermon") and he's been interested. And frankly, I was getting quite interested in him. Loooooonely me. We'd agreed we'd meet next month for lunch when he comes over for a V.A. appt.

Long story short, I Googled and was shocked to find him on the sex offender registry (a child porn conviction 15 years ago). Yet he's still a human being, he's part of an intimate group of older folks and clearly it's important to him, and we are fellow members of the same denomination, if not church (thank heaven). I froze and then wrote him directly: I google everyone I find interesting and ran into your old conviction. I'm sorry. It doesn't make me judge or hate you but does mean I won't be able to meet you outside meetings or keep up a private correspondence. I wish you peace in the New Year and be kind to yourself. I did mean that; don't believe in eternal punishment and do believe he is kind. Just fucked up, evidently. This culture (and maybe his background) warp some people.

It was difficult but the right thing to do to protect my inner peace. So that's the part that is good. The not-as-good is that I felt so sorry for him that I nearly didn't.

I'm just grateful that that type of history, no matter how far back, is a bright line I will not ask myself to form a relationship across. I am grateful I didn't meet him in person or put myself in a position of vulnerability. Not physical, I don't have any reasonable fear of that, but psychological. I was already beginning to fantasize.
Y'all know how much difficulty I can have putting THAT horse back in the barn.

But I stopped cold. Too much darkness in my family past around sexual abuse of my aunt (and perhaps mother) by grandfather. I just will not court that kind of pondering, which would be unavoidable for me if I got closer to this person.

Holy smokes, y'all. When does it get easy? But I did good, right?

I need to be much much slower to emotionally connect before I know a person is safe for me. Project 2022.

hugs
Hops