Checking In

[Twoapenny]

Hi everybody,

I hope you guys are well.  I've been hard at work trying to get to the nub of 'why my life is such a mess' and it has been hard going at times!  I've tried to keep up a regular routine of yoga, healthy food, plenty of water and early bedtimes, along with trying to limit internet use (or pointless internet use, to be more specific).  I cancelled all the TV packages and we've gone back to watching DVDs which has completely changed my 'sit mindlessly in front of the TV for hours' problem as well.

I've been doing this thing called 'The Daily Practice' which I got off a self help channel on YouTube.  It's based on a technique used by AA programme followers, apparently, and it simply consists of writing down all your fears and resentments, twice a day, and then meditating afterwards.  I've not managed to do it twice a day very often and I quite often don't meditate afterwards either, but despite that it has been very revealing to me when trying to get to the bottom of the two main issues in my life, which seem to be (a) my deathly talent for procrastination and (b) the unhelpful patterns that seem to repeat endlessly no matter how hard I try to change my external circumstances or my own behaviour.  What has become apparent over the last few months is that fear is at the bottom of every situation in my life.  I discovered that I'm just as afraid of succeeding as I am at failing which I hadn't realised before, and I realised that, whatever I do, there is a criticism that accompanies it.  If I don't cut the grass I'm lazy, if I do cut it it's because I've got an easy life and I've got time, if I don't cook from scratch it's because I'm lazy, if I do it's because I'm at home all day and I've got nothing better to do, and so on.  I was aware of that aspect of myself but it's something I've found very difficult to stop.

The last few days have been very revealing because i realised that what I've actually always been terrified of is making my mother angry.  I have no conscious memory of ever thinking this, or feeling it.  I think this must have bedded in very young, pre-language, and has been  there all along without ever being really obvious to me.  I realised the problem we had growing up was that we had to be good enough not to cause her any problems or embarrassment (or create any extra work for her) but we couldn't be good at anything in real terms, like cooking, gardening, relationships, school, work, parenting or anything else.  She's so destructive that any sign we had talent in any area we were mocked and put down, or it was presented back to us as being snobby, up ourselves, thinking we were 'it' and all manner of other nonsense.  I have always been aware she did that but I don't think I ever realised just how deeply entrenched that was in me.  Almost a reality of being seen and not heard.  What kind of person feels so threatened by an eight year old getting ten out of ten in a spelling test that they have to say something nasty instead of saying 'well done'?  It beggars belief.

The result of that is that I've had a few days of feeling like I've stepped out of some sort of parallel universe.  Everything feels very real and like I'm seeing it for the first time.  It's an odd sensation, because I also feel like a woman who's been battling every minute of the last fifty years and I really just want to lie on a deserted beach in the sunshine with a friendly waiter bringing drinks and snacks every couple of hours.  Preferably for the next ten years There's a life ahead of me now but I've genuinely no idea what I should do with it.  It feels exciting and scary at the same time.  Tired more than anything!  But wondering what the future holds.

The upshot of all of that is that i got a call from my sister to say my mum had phoned, saying she has cancer.  My first question to my sister was "do you think she's telling the truth this time?" and my sister's reply was that she doesn't know.  We were trying to work it out and we think this is the fourth time she's claimed she has cancer.  On previous occasions she's implied cancer is present and she's had to have surgery and other treatment.  Then she's denied she ever said it and when we've gone through what she's said she's been able to, quite correctly, say "well I didn't actually use the word cancer, did I?  You've assumed that".  And this ridiculous merry dance has repeated itself with regard to other situations and health problems as well.  So whether she is ill this time or not we don't know.  The gathering of other relatives has already started; my sister had a call from my aunt, who herself had received a call from a cousin.  Fortunately no-one has my number.  I asked my sister if she's going to go down there and she said no because she knows the sort of abuse she'll get from my step-dad.  Truthfully I'm suspicious of the timing; the lovely father of a childhood friend of mine passed away recently and we went down for the funeral.  My sister got the call from my mum on the day of the funeral, and given the way gossip spreads down there I'd lay money she knew we'd gone down for it.  This is another pattern of hers; attention is being given elsewhere so she has to draw it back to herself.  I could be wrong and it might just be coincidence but it's those repeating patterns again.  She followed up a couple of days later with another call to my sister, saying she'd received flowers without a card and were they from her?  She does this every time as well, there's always an anonymous delivery to wish her well.

I've been waiting to see how I feel about it all; given her age now if she really does have cancer then the treatment is very gruelling and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (which is probably what she is).  I'm not looking forward to being older and having those thoughts about whether each health scare is a sign my number's up and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, either.  But knowing her as I do, she won't be reaching out for support at a time like this, she'll be looking for a whipping boy, someone she can criticise, jerk around, manipulate and generally have some control over.  She's run out of contenders, really, none of her children, grandchildren or great grandchildren have any contact with her and the few people she still has in her life have only ever seen her 'wonderful' side, so she won't be able to unleash reality on them.  I thought back to all the times since I've had my son that I've been ill and how awful she was when he was little, what horrible games she played when my mental health was so precarious and all the crisis situations I've had to go through since then alone because I was too scared of her finding out that I was in a weakened state and coming after me again.  Even with private therapists I was never fully transparent because I knew my records could be subpoenaed and there were things I didn't want getting dragged through a court.

I thought about the fact she hasn't contacted me directly, when she's always found herself perfectly capable of doing so to harass, threaten or intimidate us and I wondered about the relevance of that.  I know there will be (normal!) people who will say I should contact her because I'll regret it if I don't speak to her before she dies and I thought about that a lot.  Truthfully, my only regret is that I didn't pack a bag when I was seventeen and never look back.  It wouldn't have repaired the childhood damage but it would stopped a lot of the adult stuff from happening.

I'm quite surprised to find I don't really feel anything.  Not in a numb kind of way, but I think I really, truly am done, not just with her but with the family drama altogether.  My sister started to talk about her ridiculous ex partner's behaviour and I cut her off and said I was just on my way out.  I haven't contacted any of my other siblings because I don't want to get dragged back in to the drama party.  I'm making good progress on myself - I don't know what the next step is but it feels like it will be a step forward, not a step toward the spider's web.  I saw both my sister and my brother last time we went down, separately, and came away not wanting to see either of them again.  I'm just done with it all.  The feelings of guilt, responsibility, what about the kids, all of that seems to have gone.  Whether it's just tiredness or whether it's really behind me I don't know, but it isn't there so I'm focusing on that for now.

So that's where I'm at   I hope all of you are well and getting some spring weather.  We've had nothing but rain for months now; I feel like a swamp donkey xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well hello there! So nice to read your update! You sound good.

My condolences on the seasonal sogginess; we've had it here too. But soon it'll be May flowers and be much more pleasant.

I can totally relate to your feelings about your mom. Seems normal to me! I had heard the same caution about regrets, and while we never really "made peace" (wasn't possible) I can say the same thing I felt before - I just didn't feel anything about her, even though I still wished it had been possible to bridge the distance between us. I still struggle with the old conditioning, at times, even though she's been gone a year now. My brother probably doesn't understand why I didn't rush to his side either. He's not brought it up.

I'm kinda thinking that perfectionism, and the constant pursuit of "evolving" or "working on ourselves" is a symptom of that conflict between fear of failure/success. If we'd just sit with ourselves for 5 minutes, and tell ourselves that we are just fine the way we are and that we LIKE ourselves... acceptance might take the edge off the inner critic's sharp tongue. But that's likely more about where I'm at, than for anyone else.

I guess I wanna say, life isn't a race or competition. No one really "wins" it. It's more of jouney filled with discoveries, challenges, tough spots, and those rare perfect days. It's not our jobs to "make today" what it is, completely... but it can be a collaboration with all the things/people around us.

Good job, Tupp! Take some big deep spring breaths and soar on...

[Hopalong]

Tupp, dear--

I CELEBRATE your not feeling much about her. What a leap in healing!

I guess the ultimate "release the outcome" is when the last toxic thread between you and her doesn't "snap" but gently floats away because you've unclenched your grip on that part of your identity, meaning as a part of her. Unclenched it, released it.

Nobody wants any elder to suffer. Elders like her survive until the end still harming people around them. So you're just still wise, sane Tupp. Not walking into fire.

I thought your new revelations are extraordinary, and that you in fact live an extraordinarily meaningful life. Your level of insight astonishes me, as ever.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Skep   It's a weird situation, isn't it?  I was trying to explain to someone yesterday (who was aghast that I wasn't rushing to her side) that she isn't normal.  I hate using the word because we all know there's no such thing, but I know what she's like and a crisis (if indeed there is one at all) isn't something she seeks support in dealing with, it's an opportunity for the victimhood and the puppet making behaviour that she thrives on.  I asked myself if she got in touch, and if she said sorry and if she asked me to go, would I?  And the answer's still no.  In a way I'm relieved because my big worry was that if and when a time did come that she needed me I'd still rush off to her, partly because I just hate the thought of people having to cope alone.  But even that feeling isn't there now.  A relative from overseas has arrived and she tends to fly in when there's a crisis (sometimes the local gossip is a good thing for me) which may mean she really is ill this time.  But I still don't want to go near her.

With regards to the self improvement stuff, I think I'll start to relax a bit when I can see changes in my external environment - when I can start to form healthy relationships, or meet more people who accept disability or even encounter a social worker who can write a factually accurate report.  I think then my feeling that there is some sort of black cloud over me will lift.  But yes, it can become an endless quest and that's just as unhealthy as not trying to figure out anything at all.  Hope all is well on the mountain!  And that B's medical situation is less arduous than it was.

Thanks, Hopsie.  You're right, elder suffering is awful and I really don't like to think of it.  But then, her reactions to this won't be the ones most would have and she's actually in a much better situation than most.  Husband is still there, they have a lovely home, plenty of money, dozens of wonderful friends (according to her) and my two clueless cousins who do her bidding for her as her evil daughters left her to fend for herself.  They might be a bit less keen to involve themselves if they start actually having to do anything other than agree with everything she says.  And if they hadn't both been so vile they'd have four adult children and eight adult grandchildren who would drop what they were doing to go and assist, and who might all be living nearby still if putting hundreds of miles between us all hadn't been the only way to escape.  But she won't see any of that, it will all be about how she's been abandoned after years of selfless devotion.  Yes, I'm steering well clear.  It has been interesting that the last 'release the outcome' has happened without any fanfare, as you say.  I had thought I'd have to do battle with myself if something like this occurred but no, there's no inclination there on my part.  One thing I am grateful for is I do feel I've learnt from my mother's mistakes and that's worth a lot for me.  I don't think my son's been through the same childhood that I did and I'm grateful for that.  I hope your ribs are feeling better soon! xx

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp. I'm so glad you're releasing the fear around your mother and what you'd do/will do if she's ill.

Nobody can sustain that "poor me, all my kids and grandkids abandoned me after I did everything perfect."

There'll be cracks in mum's facade and all will become clear, IME.

It's interesting what washes up in the subconscious shore when left to be what it is.  Releasing what I thought it could be or would be it , God forbid, should be leaves space to relax into clarity, come what may.

I do like the idea of leaving room for just not knowing.  Simple.  It takes up space I usually fill with connecting old dots or fearing into future and I've noticed my intuition is sharper, wiser, quicker.  That part's a very happy shift in how I move in the moment and what I leave behind.....so much of the past just keeps falling away, like a crust, heavy and old.

I'm hoping all your rain means trees, flowers and shrubs are about to explode into joyful color.  My sister and I are intensely engaged in saving Hemlocks from the forest and we got so many planted the last 3 days!  Joyfully making and covering ourselves in mud so you're in a good group!!!

Maybe all the negative battling thoughts will become familiar friends you notice, comfort and calm into silence?  Seizing all the little joys of cooking and being in nature can be just those things, IME.

The negative thoughts, protective and wounded parts, can't be banished, but they can be noticed and tended to, IME.

Everything belongs, but it's lovely to grow the healthy and uplifting things while letting the other parts know they've done their jobs.... it's ok to rest.

((((Tupp)))) I'm so happy to see you're back!  Even if it's a little visit.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi, Tupp. I'm so glad you're releasing the fear around your mother and what you'd do/will do if she's ill.

Nobody can sustain that "poor me, all my kids and grandkids abandoned me after I did everything perfect."

There'll be cracks in mum's facade and all will become clear, IME.

It's interesting what washes up in the subconscious shore when left to be what it is.  Releasing what I thought it could be or would be it , God forbid, should be leaves space to relax into clarity, come what may.

I do like the idea of leaving room for just not knowing.  Simple.  It takes up space I usually fill with connecting old dots or fearing into future and I've noticed my intuition is sharper, wiser, quicker.  That part's a very happy shift in how I move in the moment and what I leave behind.....so much of the past just keeps falling away, like a crust, heavy and old.

I'm hoping all your rain means trees, flowers and shrubs are about to explode into joyful color.  My sister and I are intensely engaged in saving Hemlocks from the forest and we got so many planted the last 3 days!  Joyfully making and covering ourselves in mud so you're in a good group!!!

Maybe all the negative battling thoughts will become familiar friends you notice, comfort and calm into silence?  Seizing all the little joys of cooking and being in nature can be just those things, IME.

The negative thoughts, protective and wounded parts, can't be banished, but they can be noticed and tended to, IME.

Everything belongs, but it's lovely to grow the healthy and uplifting things while letting the other parts know they've done their jobs.... it's ok to rest.

((((Tupp)))) I'm so happy to see you're back!  Even if it's a little visit.

Lighter

(((Lighter))))))  It is/has been interesting to be able to take a more detached view on a lot of things just lately.  My social media/online embargo has been helpful for that.  I did a karmic cord cutting meditation yesterday, in which you visualise the person you want to detach from and go through a ritual of doing so.  I see my mum standing before me and I hate her, and then watch her transform into a terribly sad and lonely little girl, desperate to be loved and aching for someone to hold her.  I know that's the bit that troubles me with any troubled soul that crosses my path - what I see and feel is that terrible loss children bear alone and how it creates these terribly hostile and aggressive adults.  That's the bit I'm working on at the minute - seeing the current reality and dealing with that in real terms.  I feel so sad for the broken children part but I made a deal with myself that I'd only step in to fix that if asked - no unsolicited advice, no offering to do things in case it helps, no sucking it up in the hope they'll see it for themselves.  That said, at this stage if my mum did ring and ask for help, I think the only thing I'd be willing to do is find information and send it to her.  Something that involves no contact and direct communication.  Not that she would but it's a position I found for myself that feels comfortable should the need occur.

Yes to relaxing into outcomes and leaving unknowns as they are.  I still find that very difficult.  Decades of having to shore up against every possible attack from every possible angle in every way imaginable.  It's hard work rewiring the processes and I do fall back into my old habits a lot.  But, two steps forward and all that xx

[lighter]

You're a very kind person, Tupp.  Letting your mum's wounded child go is all you can do, IME.  Her protective parts won't allow anyone to help....most of all you, so You're off the hook.  Ready or not.  She would never let you in, imo.

I'd be likely to research and forward through third parties, myself.  Action  would help me get back to normal.....the act of doing what I could, then turning back to self care joy  is a sort of meditation, I find.  Maybe it's a life skill or healthy coping strategy I never learned, but needed desperately as an empathic child not allowed boundaries.

I limit t screen time too, Tupp or I'd tap out SHE LET GO once again for the board.  I have taped in the bathroom and it's always a comfort and relief.....a touchstone of sorts.

Lighter