OK.... Monday AM T appt.
Spoke briefly about codependence and willingness to stand up and do the right thing..... bc it's necessary and good and right to do so.
T said not mutually exclusive. Both can be true. I have the feeling I would have done the job, delivered the news and moved along gracefully HAD my father acknowledged me, at least pretended to hear me, and not assigned motives along the lines of heinous buggering,
on
my
part.
Also, I realize now, being run off by the maid.... hissed at, generally accused BY HER of having bad motives as well.... while BODY blocking me.... was upsetting in the extreme, partially bc of my upbringing by my father, and not bc she was overstepping, and BLOCKING me from getting important, vitally important, information into my father's very hard head.
I had to orient my vision, for EMDR, to a lamp and door frame, just above T's fingers moving back and forth, and at eye level, which took some time and I got better at as we went along.
So, we started with a body scan and did some EMDR for what felt like pressure in my head. It was a 3... got it down to zero. Moved on.
Brought up the story, and went through it, in my head... sort of snapshots of incidents.... moving very briskly along.
T was moving at an obviously quick pace. I always spoke up, asked for more time, or indicated I was ready to move on if I was ready. No pressure to say the right thing or appear to be going faster than I could go. It felt very taxing to move my eyes that fast AND breathe mindfully. Adding the story meant my tongue was wagging back and forth a bit, inside my mouth, at certain points. Stopping it took energy, so just wagged away when it happened. LOTS of focus and energy went into this.
We moved through visualizing the story, which kept adding new incidents as we went along, then
went into the DIRECTOR'S CUT, which is how I would have liked for it to have gone.
I could have chosen a super hero to save me, been a super hero and saved myself, appeared as my adult self and taken my younger self OUT of the family/scene and raised myself, but I chose to change my father's choices, and that wasn't right. Had to do it again,but THIS time focusing on me, my feelings, how I experienced it and I added my father's exgf to the scene.
He married her.
For that to be true, he would have lost his live in..... I won't go into remembering how Dad would have put it,but a woman who was from a 3rd world country doing his bidding, and working for almost free... pretty much covered it, IMO. I think she received 400.00 a month.. which is what she asked for when she begged for the job, and received it.
That said, Dad had the maid and the gf fighting over him, at a certain point. Dad asked the maid for certain reassurances she would care for his aging parents IF that became necessary. She said she would, and in that moment I believe he made his choice, and selected the maid.
Ex gf was a nurse, and not one to be railroaded... a LEO...feisty and fun and always listened to me, made me feel heard and seen and never backed down from a fight with him. That was a double edged sword,btw. One of my traumatic memories was of my father peeking in gf's windows, listening to gf's and my conversation, then coming INTO her home, wrapping the phone cord around her throat while making it clear he disagreed with her story, then sending me on my way.... I drove away in shock, which is how I felt during some of the T session quite often.
So, I was often neutral in my body, and T said it was pretty normal. She asked my guardians, protecting younger Lighter from more pain, if they would allow the work. I then asked, and received a quick YES response, so we continued.
We went into the story, then into the body, then back and forth till we got to the place where I pictured the real story, then how I would have changed it..... back and forth, each picture seen BOTH ways, till I got to the end. The end was always the surgery.
Then back into the body.... EMDR to get a zero. Sometimes I felt nausea... it was the most common somatic experience. Once it was a pain, stabbing pain, around my heart. The last one was the feeling of having someone tugging on my belly button from the inside... very sharp.
After finishing the story, and bringing all somatic feelings to a zero, we did a scan for reactivity around any of the memories..... everything was a zero TILL we got to the end.
It's always been that one scene.... the maid sitting to my left, hissing at me... taking my focus OFF my father, telling me how angry I MADE my father, while completely ignoring the information that could have been very useful, and body blocking me... just very upsetting. There was still a charge to it, so we pulled it back up. IT was a scene in black and white...
T had me pretend her fingers were an eraser and we went over it with EMDR.... erasing the top half... I didn't get to the bottom half, but T thought it was fine to move on to PAINT.
I chose the color green and we dove right in, painting out the remainder of the picture with thick green paint... it dried to a light green with very crackling. Nice.
Then we went right into WALLPAPERING over the green with a picture of my choosing. I could have selected Mother Theresa or the Pug.... I chose my tomato garden. Lovely. Fragrant. Then we moved right along to selecting items I wanted to leave behind... destroy.
I filled a shoebox with black and white photos... didn't seem like many. I selected the method of destruction... dissolving in chemicals or water.... burying.... or burning... which most people choose.
I selected burning by bonfire both times I've done this. THIS was the first time I built an Amazon bondire and performed the ritual with you guys, in AMazon warrior garb. I didn't have time to get fancy, but there was a lot of faux fur, buckles and fire burning everything down... chemically changing the photos to ashes.
We scattered them onto the tomato plants. It was nice. Seemed right, considering the recent thread on green burials.
Then it was time to move towards the bridge, which we'd all cross. We emptied our pockets and bags of residual ashes, and walked across. The first time I did this was with family members, and we took off our clothing at the bridge and put on white linen clothing.
I knew we were heading to a body of water..... and I'd be going INTO the water.... this time I was going to drink it. What did I want the water to look like? She wanted adjectives.....
Cool
Clean
Clear
Joyful
and it was surrounded by moist cool moss and water lilies, and topped with lily pads..... and it was small and round, but I pushed off the side and traveled above the water for a ways.... very fast. Trailing my fingertips.... then dove straight in.... deep.... drinking water.... I was SO thirsty.
We chatted about the water... the life I wanted to be clean, cool, clear and joyful..... whether I believed we'd completed the process... was it permanent? I put a number on it. Same as the first time, it was 100%. I believed, and what's more my intuition said it was complete.
I wanted to go back to the pool, and spent time there after the session ended. T said that pond would be another happy healing place for me. I believe her.
::hitting send BEFORE this post goes away too::
Lighter
