Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Noooo, it's not waiting to be filled!

Unless with powerful seeds of new leafy self-love and care.
There are so many varieties, that inner space is rich and ready.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Yes yes yes, Hops.

Filled with amazing things!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I notice the moments where self judgment and guilt used to slide in all the time.
I noticed it today, and..
It really felt like a big empty space today, waiting to be filled.

Lighter

I get feelings like that, Lighter, and at times it feels difficult to know what to fill it with?  I think possibly because the current situation is making 'normal' difficult to do so I can't do things I would usually want to do to fill the space.  I hope you're filling yours up with goodies xx

[sKePTiKal]

Time to experiment with filling space with new things!

[Twoapenny]

Time to experiment with filling space with new things!

For me at the moment I'm mostly filling space with biscuits, Skep   Lol x

[lighter]

Time to experiment with filling space with new things!

For me at the moment I'm mostly filling space with biscuits, Skep   Lol x

Lol, Tupp. 
Us.
Too.

I'm also looking for deeper daily meditation practices....maybe outdoors in this amazingly cool and breezy fall weather.  More walking meditation.

The work you're doing....I'm in awe.  Are you adding EMDR to it?

Lighter 

[Twoapenny]

Time to experiment with filling space with new things!

For me at the moment I'm mostly filling space with biscuits, Skep   Lol x

Lol, Tupp. 
Us.
Too.

I'm also looking for deeper daily meditation practices....maybe outdoors in this amazingly cool and breezy fall weather.  More walking meditation.

The work you're doing....I'm in awe.  Are you adding EMDR to it?

Lighter

Walking meditation sounds nice, Lighter.  We are trying to walk most days; we tend only not to go out if it's very wet or very hot (more the former than the latter now).  I've been using the Sandra Rolus meditations on YouTube.  She describes herself as a trauma and sexual abuse healing facilitator and when I first heard her say that I did my usual eye roll and thought oh blimey, another 'guru' but I have to say I feel I've experienced some very deep shifts whilst doing her meditations so I'm thoroughly hooked right now.

No EMDR, I'm finding the lackdown/pandemic so useful just because it gives me time.  I can think about things for as long as I like and I'm not getting more stress added daily which often makes things I want to think about vanish because I have to deal with the immediate problem.  I'm really liking being able to structure my day as I see fit and have got into the habit of being busy morning and evening and lounging around in the afternoon.  That pattern suits me.  I'm reading more, writing more, watching all sorts of films and documentaries as well as planning and thinking.  Just having time to think is an absolute luxury, as is being able to meditate or do yoga if the thinking starts making me feel stressed.  I'm finding things are coming up and I can really work on them, instead of having to shove them to one side because we've got to be somewhere.  I do remember years ago saying to a therapist I felt like I'd do much better if I just went to a retreat for a year so I didn't have to think about anything other than getting better and it kind of feels like that's what we've got now?  Time to be at home and just focus on me.  I feel in a very fortuitous position right now and I've never felt like that before, quite the opposite!  Are you still seeing your T or did it have to go on hold with the pandemic situation? xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, not only having time to think is wonderful... but then, there is being able to stretch out the to-do list to fill the extra time we have. For me, thinking about the way I want to do (some) things is just as important as trying to schedule things the most efficiently. New ideas, intuitions, feelings about relative position of the priority... all of that has time to be properly processed and decided on... without the artifical "time pressure".

Honestly, people often imply there is something "wrong" with me... because I've discovered the joy of going way slower about things than seems "normal" to others. I just shrug and tell 'em - I prefer to do things this way. I really don't feel obligated to "fit in" with societal norms anymore... or even close friend's/family "expectations". As long as I'm being authentically me - and pleasing my SELF, and enjoying that.... everyone else can take their perspective, opinion and "concern" and take a flying leap at a rolling donut.    And I do like returning that favor to others. Do as you like, as the "spirit" moves you... and you'll be happier in the long run.

I don't want to be a cog in any machine; the universe and it's fated destiny is still subject to my free will and choice; and I always promised y'all that at some point (back then it was in the future) I was going to "wear purple"... now I think it'll be purple paisley on a black background... LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

My "life" is how I experience my "days"... the feelings, energy I have to expend and what I choose to expend it on, and the people I care for and about... and enjoying to the best of my ability and patience who they are. Without anyone trying to fit people into pigeonholes.

Pigeonholes are for pigeons. 

[Twoapenny]

'Take a flying leap at a rolling donut' is my new favourite phrase, Skep   Lol.

Yes, sloooooow.  That is what I'm finding so helpful at the minute and I want to hang on to it as much as possible in whatever shape our new normal takes.  I am really enjoying choosing when I am productive and get stuff done and when I don't, and being able to be productive for a while and then just stop because I know I can finish it tomorrow.  It will adjust slightly as the days get shorter but those changes are gradual and I can adapt to that as we go along.  It's been a real eye opener to me to see how much of what we were doing before was more about other people's (or society's expectations) rather than what we really wanted to be doing.  I'm liking being able to do jobs in their entirety as well, instead of shoehorning a bit of gardening into the twenty minutes I have spare.  It's nice to go outside and know if I'm out there for three hours it's fine, and equally if I've had enough after thirty minutes I can leave it till another time.  I keep watching those homesteading/off grid type programmes and there's a lot that appeals to me (and a lot I think I might be too wimpy to cope with) but I definitely want life to be more organic and tuned in with the seasons, daylight hours and just less artificiality about it.  And yes to so much purple!  I love the meme that does the rounds on the internet every now and again of the lady in purple with feathers in her hair and it's captioned, "I don't want people to say, what a sweet old lady - I want them to say what the hell is she doing now?".  Can't think of anything better than that xx

[sKePTiKal]

There are ways to make the hard physical work of homesteading easier, Tupp. You don't have to always be the "mule" pulling a plow... there are even ways to minimize weeding, which I still enjoy immensely even if I do get tired; it's just the satisfaction of creating the visual "order" I like. I'll bet even your son would enjoy parts of that kind of work.

Sometimes, mother nature "wins" - and there isn't a decent way to cope and get a crop or have your herbs/flowers do really well. Sometimes it's too much rain; not enough; too hot... a host of other things. Wrapping my head around the real commitment it requires to maintain a garden space, permaculture bed, animals... I face a lot of resistance; excuses (It's too hot! I'll be sick and out of commission for days! waaaaah.... poor me) And so the work to overcome that, do things in a timely fashion, not find a handy excuse continues.

I think it's because at one time the bulk of the work - planting, tilling, weeding, harvesting & preserving - fell completely on my shoulders with very little assistance that part of me has held on to that resentment. And the voice I hear, when I am choosing to do/not do... is exactly the know-it-all, always "right" voice of Ex#2. He always dictated how it "should" be done - but he didn't DO IT. I did. And I wasn't permitted to say "no". I haven't quite exorcised that yet.

[Twoapenny]

There are ways to make the hard physical work of homesteading easier, Tupp. You don't have to always be the "mule" pulling a plow... there are even ways to minimize weeding, which I still enjoy immensely even if I do get tired; it's just the satisfaction of creating the visual "order" I like. I'll bet even your son would enjoy parts of that kind of work.

Sometimes, mother nature "wins" - and there isn't a decent way to cope and get a crop or have your herbs/flowers do really well. Sometimes it's too much rain; not enough; too hot... a host of other things. Wrapping my head around the real commitment it requires to maintain a garden space, permaculture bed, animals... I face a lot of resistance; excuses (It's too hot! I'll be sick and out of commission for days! waaaaah.... poor me) And so the work to overcome that, do things in a timely fashion, not find a handy excuse continues.

I think it's because at one time the bulk of the work - planting, tilling, weeding, harvesting & preserving - fell completely on my shoulders with very little assistance that part of me has held on to that resentment. And the voice I hear, when I am choosing to do/not do... is exactly the know-it-all, always "right" voice of Ex#2. He always dictated how it "should" be done - but he didn't DO IT. I did. And I wasn't permitted to say "no". I haven't quite exorcised that yet.

Those negative voices are so persistent, Skep!  It's weird how they settle in.  I do have the same struggles with doing things 'perfectly'.  When I was going to plant spuds, I kept putting it off because I had all these other things I thought I ought to be doing as well - and the result was nothing got done in the end.  I'm trying to get past that now and just do things and let them happen instead of micro planning but not actually planting anything.  I feel like I've got a foot in two different worlds at the minute and then it becomes easier to watch programmes about homesteads than it is to try to create one   But we keep on keeping on, right?   And I still want moss as well, Lighter's descriptions of carpets of moss have whetted my appetite for that x

[sKePTiKal]

That's exactly what I go thru Tupp.

It's like I KNOW, that no matter how I do it, IF I do it, or what I can't control... it's never going to be "right" to that person who claims supreme power of approval. And it's going to be MY FAULT it's not right, looks "foolish", or doesn't produce. So, I resort to the passive-aggressive tactic I was taught so well. I don't do anything. I give up and in my head justify it... by telling myself, well of course! They're always right. (So turning it into a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy too.) And the only F YOU left to me.

Up until the point, that the criticism was inescapable and predictable... I had enjoyed planting and growing. It's like that simple joy was taken away from me; made so onerous a task with all the "right way", all the time from beginning to end; that I was being denied my whole nurturing self. Didn't help, that there was no reward - either way - ever; no matter what. And you know me. I'm endlessly curious and learning about things; and actually ENJOY learning new ways to do things. That died a starvation death in the process too.

Hol doesn't realize it, but the number of things she "took out of my hands" - "helping" - brought some of that back for me. Previously, I'd merely run away from it. I hadn't really conquered it, changed the "habit" and my usual reaction... although I was getting there, before she moved in.

So, mirabile dictu, here it is again.    And I get to deal with it again. It's always task specific, btw. For me.

Because it's truly "in my head". Internalized. It's not Hol's fault. There is something there about not having a strong enough boundary to prevent someone from demeaning me, criticizing me, before I even make the attempt that is completely on ME. Something I don't think, feel, expect from others... because I don't think I act like that (maybe I do?)... so why am I treated that way? And what in the whole universe does one do to block that? Counter it? Without being a jerk myself?

Such a conundrum. That should keep me busy all winter, huh?

[lighter]

My sister and I are finishing up our tizzies and guessing what's in the neighbor's heads after a bonfire/smoked brisket gathering with many dogs.

I think everyone, save 2, are having the same discussions.

It's difficult to have boundaries all the time with everyone to the right degree in the right tones, IME. 

Just......not alleyways possible, bc people hear things in ways not intended, kwim?

A tip for those building Amazon bonfires....
If using camp stove fuel.....white gasoline....you are essentially building a BOMB that will shake houses across the street. 

::nodding emphatically::.

And....I' m protected by Amazon Angels and Archangels; ) 

Lighter

[lighter]

Today very busy.

Thinking about moments of serenity make action and creative focus possible and better.

Thinking about guilt.....whatever keeps one from being alone and concentrating unreservedly in that stillness. Being kind....on nurturing and growth.

It slows the process.

Lately it feels like falling into relaxation.....no more bartering with myself for it.  It's changed a lot.

All the neighbor's went through their worrying cycles and calmed down....including me after hours if hard work and togetherness.

One still clucking unhappily, but very sneakily, about the ones he doesn't like.  There was a bear incident a while back.  He never got over it.  She's a British, a doctor, runs a hospital.... the h makes instruments and is a world class mountain climber.  I suspect there's some jealousy, but I'm just making circular motions with my head and validating his feelings. 

Never inviting them over together again, what a mess people can be.

Dog fights.

Hosting at 2 locations...food 100 yards from bonfire.  Honestly, the fire one property was the fun happy place to be, so glad it happened that way. 

I really should know better by now.

Lighter



Lighter

[Twoapenny]

What happened, Lighter, did they all have a big argument or something? xx