Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I wasn't looking for a zero gravity chair, but found one at the Rehab Restore.  Oldest DD tried it this evening and found a good deal of relief in it.  It gets her feet above her heart, which is usually a PITA.

DD so pleased with the chair...it feels like we connect easier....without friction.  She hears me.  She's open and appreciates touch and care, which isn't usually the case.  Since she spends 10 hours on her feet at work, she's experiencing pain I can help her with now she's open to it.
Lighter

[lighter]

Well....
There's more spaciousness and easy ability to put myself in other people's shoes, I've noticed.

What's more, I'm sometimes sideswiped by unexpected clarity and compassion for myself as things change, and I notice that change. 

An example is emptying the freezers and fridges out as I prepare meals without shopping for more than fresh veggies, and nothing else.

The clean, emptying and almost empty spaces feel amazing, but flag tension and put a sharp point on my habit of buying and hoarding food in an effort to feel safer...more secure....less at the mercy of.  It hit me like a hammer, then passed.

SEEING myself, from a new POV, without trying, is different for me.  Like I've recovered from floundering in heavy surf, crawled onto solid ground, caught my breath, stood up and changed my physical perspective, if that makes sense.

I have new capacity to feel and extend compassion to my younger self.  It's different than feeling rage or adrenalin and desire for justice and accountability, which is all I can remember.

I never had time or desire to extend and receive compassion in relationship with myself......and it just appeared as I named a habit, and understood what I did and why.  It was nose on a Pebble for so long.

Not huge revelation, but a definite shift.

We're spending Thanksgiving at home....just the 3 of us with Honebaked ham, smoked turkey breast and whatever we decide between us.

Maybe some new traditions.  Maybe some old, but relaxed and together and no social pressure.

I cleaned gutters yesterday.  Will blow leaves tomorrow and work on moss....likely.

I'm ready to steam wallpaper in both bathrooms at home and after Thsgvg at my Dad's. 

Ya.  Breathing feels easier. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

new capacity to feel and extend compassion to my younger self

Some of the greatest words I've ever read in a Lighter post!

I am very happy for you, Lighter.

I really believe this realization is just IT.
It's amazing how when we temporarily lose track of that compassion for ourselves, the more we practice it the quicker we still rebound.

I'm really glad. Great to read.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.  Even as I write this I notice old patterns popping up.  I'm going to breathe through them and see what's underneath.

Whew....time for some yard work.  The moss beckons: )

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm reading through this thread.  There's one thing here, Hops.....I tried to say it when you were in T with M, but feel I fell short.  I hope it makes more sense from thus author.

I included the entire post, bc I enjoyed it and find reminders helpful regarding
 my true goal of remembering my authentic self, and coming home to her, again and again, without judgment or expectation. 

Lighter

The Heart's Intention
by Phillip Moffitt
SETTING INTENTIONS IS NOT THE SAME AS MAKING GOALS.
UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE CAN LEAD TO MORE SKILLFUL
LIVING AND LESS SUFFERING.
Once a month, an hour before the Sunday-evening meditation class I teach, I offer a group
interview for students who attend regularly. These interviews give them the opportunity to
ask questions about their meditation practice or about applying the dharma to daily life. In a
recent session, a yogi who dutifully meditates every morning admitted, "I must be confused
about the Buddha's teaching on right intention. I'm very good about setting intentions and
then reminding myself of them. But things don't ever seem to turn out according to those
intentions, and I fall into disappointment.
At first, I could only smile in response. What a good question! When I asked her to explain
these intentions, she proceeded to describe a number of goals for her future - to become less
tense at work, to spend more time with her family, to stabilize her finances, and more. She
was suffering from a kind of confusion that seems to afflict many bright, hardworking people:
mixing up two different life functions that are easily mistaken for each other. All of her goals
were laudable, but none would fit within the Buddha's teachings on right intention.
GOALS VS. INTENTIONS
Goal making is a valuable skill; it involves envisioning a future outcome in the world or in
your behavior, then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve it. You
organize your time and energy based on your goals; they help provide direction for your life.
Committing to and visualizing those goals may assist you in your efforts, but neither of these
activities is what I call setting intention. They both involve living in an imagined future and
are not concerned with what is happening to you in the present moment. With goals, the
future is always the focus: Are you going to reach the goal? Will you be happy when you do?
What's next?
Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal
making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is
focused on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is on the everpresent
"now" in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding
what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your
inner values.
As you gain insight through meditation, wise reflection, and moral living, your ability to act
from your intentions blossoms. It is called a practice because it is an ever-renewing process.
You don't just set your intentions and then forget about them; you live them every day.
Although the student thought she was focusing on her inner experience of the present
moment, she was actually focusing on a future outcome; even though she had healthy goals
that pointed in a wholesome direction, she was not being her values. Thus, when her efforts
did not go well, she got lost in disappointment and confusion. When this happened, she had
no "ground of intention" to help her regain her mental footing - no way to establish herself in
a context that was larger and more meaningful than her goal-oriented activity.
Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded
in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life. Through the skillful cultivation of
intention, you learn to make wise goals and then to work hard toward achieving them without
getting caught in attachment to outcome. As I suggested to the yogi, only by remembering
your intentions can you reconnect with yourself during those emotional storms that cause you
to lose touch with yourself. This remembering is a blessing, because it provides a sense of
meaning in your life that is independent of whether you achieve certain goals or not.
Ironically, by being in touch with and acting from your true intentions, you become more
effective in reaching your goals than when you act from wants and insecurities. Once the yogi
understood this, she started to work with goals and intentions as separate functions. She later
reported that continually coming back to her intentions in the course of her day was actually
helping her with her goals.
Doing the Groundwork
What would it be like if you didn't measure the success of your life just by what you get and
don't get, but gave equal or greater priority to how aligned you are with your deepest values?
Goals are rooted in maya (illusion) - the illusionary world where what you want seems fixed
and unchanging but in truth is forever changing. It is in this world that mara, the inner voice
of temptation and discouragement, flourishes. Goals never fulfill you in an ongoing way; they
either beget another goal or else collapse. They provide excitement - the ups and downs of life
- but intention is what provides you with self-respect and peace of mind.
Cultivating right intention does not mean you abandon goals. You continue to use them, but
they exist within a larger context of meaning that offers the possibility of peace beyond the
fluctuations caused by pain and pleasure, gain and loss.
The Buddha's Fourth Noble Truth teaches right intention as the second step in the eightfold
path: Cause no harm, and treat yourself and others with Loving-kindness and compassion
while seeking true happiness, that which comes from being free from grasping and clinging.
Such a statement may sound naive or idealistic - a way for nuns and monks to live but not
suitable for those of us who must make our way in this tough, competitive world. But to think
this is to make the same error as the woman in my group interview.
In choosing to live with right intention, you are not giving up your desire for achievement or a
better life, or binding yourself to being morally perfect. But you are committing to living each
moment with the intention of not causing harm with your actions and words, and not
violating others through your livelihood or sexuality. You are connecting to your own sense of
kindness and innate dignity. Standing on this ground of intention, you are then able to
participate as you choose in life's contests, until you outgrow them.
Naturally, sometimes things go well for you and other times not, but you do not live and die
by these endless fluctuations. Your happiness comes from the strength of your internal
experience of intention. You become one of those fortunate human beings who know who
they are and are independent of our culture's obsession with winning. You still feel sadness,
loss, lust, and fear, but you have a means for directly relating to all of these difficult emotions.
Therefore, you are not a victim, nor are your happiness and peace of mind dependent on how
things are right now.
Misusing Good Intentions
When I offer teachings on right intention, students often ask two things: "Isn't this like
signing up for the Ten Commandments in another form?" and "What about the old saying
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions'?" First, the Ten Commandments are excellent
moral guidelines for us all, but right intention is not moral law; it is an attitude or state of
mind, which you develop gradually. As such, the longer you work with right intention, the
subtler and more interesting it becomes as a practice.

Hops, this next part is something that's been niggling at my brain in reference to M and reactivity his behaviors bring up for you, but also his reactivity to your reactivity, if it makes sense.
In Buddhist psychology, intention manifests itself as "volition," which is the mental factor
that most determines your consciousness in each moment. Literally, it is your intention that
affects how you interpret what comes into your mind.
Take, for example, someone who is being rude and domineering during a meeting at work. He
is unpleasant, or at least your experience of him is unpleasant. What do you notice? Do you
see his insecurity and how desperately hungry he is for control and attention? Or do you
notice only your own needs and dislike, and take his behavior personally, even though it really
has little to do with you? If you are grounded in your intention, then your response will be to
notice his discomfort and your own suffering and feel compassion toward both of you. This
doesn't mean that you don't feel irritation or that you allow him to push you around, but you
avoid getting lost in judgment or personal reaction. Can you feel the extra emotional space
such an orientation to life provides? Do you see the greater range of options for interpreting
the difficulties in your life? I feel that's important if you're to spend any time with M. 
As for those good intentions that lead to hell in the old adage, they almost always involve
having an agenda for someone else. They are goals disguised as intentions, and you abandon
your inner intentions in pursuit of them. Moreover, those goals are often only your view of
how things are supposed to be, and you become caught in your own reactive mind.
Mixing Motives
One issue around cultivating intention that trips up many yogis is mixed motives. During
individual interviews with me, people will sometimes confess their anguish at discovering
during meditating how mixed their motives were in past situations involving a friend or a
family member. They feel as though they're not a good person and they aren't trustworthy.
Sometimes my response is to paraphrase the old blues refrain "If it wasn't for bad luck, I
wouldn't have no luck at all." It is the same with motives; in most situations, if you didn't go
with your mixed motives, you wouldn't have any motivation at all. You would just be stuck.
The Buddha knew all about mixed motives. In the Majjhima Nikaya sutta "The Dog-Duty
Ascetic," he describes how "dark intentions lead to dark results" and "bright intentions lead to
bright results." Then he says, "Bright and dark intentions lead to bright and dark results." Life
is like this, which is why we practice. You are not a fully enlightened being; therefore,
expecting yourself to be perfect is a form of delusion.
Forget judging yourself, and just work with the arising moment. Right intention is a continual
aspiration. Seeing your mixed motives is one step toward liberation from ignorance and from
being blinded by either desire or aversion. So welcome such a realization, even though it is
painful. The less judgment you have toward yourself about your own mixed motives, the more
clearly you can see how they cause suffering. This insight is what releases the dark motives
and allows room for bright ones.
Sowing Karmic Seeds
For some people, the most difficult aspect of right intention has to do with the role it plays in
the formation of karma. The Buddha classified karma as one of the "imponderables," meaning
we can never fully understand it; attempting to do so is not fruitful. Yet we are challenged to
work with the truth that every action has both a cause and a consequence.
The primary factor that determines karma is intention; therefore, practicing right intention is
crucial to gaining peace and happiness. In Buddhist teachings, karma refers to "the seed from
action." This means that any word or action is either wholesome or unwholesome and
automatically plants a seed of future occurrence that will blossom on its own accord when the
conditions are correct, just as a plant grows when there is the right balance of sunshine,
water, and nutrients.
Whether an action is wholesome or unwholesome is determined by the intention that
originated it. On reflection, this is common sense. The example often given is that of a knife in
the hands of a surgeon versus those of an assailant. Each might use a knife to cut you, but one
has the intention to help you heal, while the other has the intention to harm you. Yet you
could die from the actions of either. Intention is the decisive factor that differentiates the two.
In this view, you are well served by cultivating right intention.
When I'm teaching right intention, I like to refer to it as the heart's intention. Life is so
confusing and emotionally confounding that the rational mind is unable to provide an
absolutely clear intention. What we have to rely on is our intuitive knowing, or "felt wisdom."
In the Buddha's time, this was referred to asbodhichitta, "the awakened mind-heart."
It is said that a karmic seed may bloom at one of three times: immediately, later in this
lifetime, or in a future life. Conversely, what is happening to you at each moment is the result
of seeds planted in a past life, earlier in this life, or in the previous moment. Whatever your
feelings about past lives, the latter two are cause-andeffect phenomena that you recognize as
true. But here is a thought to reflect on that is seldom mentioned: Whatever is manifesting
itself in your life right now is affected by how you receive it, and how you receive it is largely
determined by your intention in this moment.
Imagine that you will have a difficult interaction later today. If you are not mindful of your
intention, you might respond to the situation with a harmful physical action - maybe because
you got caught in your fear, panic, greed, or ill will. But with awareness of your intention, you
would refrain from responding physically. Instead, you might only say something unskillful,
causing much less harm. Or if you have a habit of speaking harshly, with right intention you
might only have a negative thought but find the ability to refrain from uttering words you
would later regret. When you're grounded in your intention, you are never helpless in how
you react to any event in your life. While it is true that you often cannot control what happens
to you, with mindfulness of intention you can mitigate the effects of what occurs in terms of
both the moment itself and what kind of karmic seed you plant for the future.
Developing Resolve
Buddhist teachings suggest that there are certain characteristics called paramis, or
perfections, you must develop before you can ever achieve liberation. One of these qualities,
right resolve, has to do with developing the will to live by your intentions. Through practicing
right resolve, you learn to set your mind to maintaining your values and priorities, and to
resist the temptation to sacrifice your values for material or ego gain. You gain the ability to
consistently hold your intentions, no matter what arises.
Right intention is like muscle - you develop it over time by exercising it. When you lose it, you
just start over again. There's no need to judge yourself or quit when you fail to live by your
intentions. You are developing the habit of right intention so that it becomes an unconscious
way of living - an automatic response to all situations. Right intention is organic; it thrives
when cultivated and wilts when neglected.
Not long ago, the yogi gave me an update on her efforts to practice right intention. She said
that for several years, she had pushed and pulled in her relationship, getting irritated with her
partner for not spending more time with the family and demanding that he change. One day
in meditation, she realized that this was just another example of her getting caught in wanting
more. In truth, there was nothing intrinsically wrong with his behavior. It was just that she
wanted to spend more time together than he did. She immediately stopped making demands
and was much happier.
Soon after this first realization, she found herself in a situation at work where all of her
insecurities were ignited. She was in a meeting during which an action was being proposed
that she felt was unfair, and she sensed anger rising in her. But before speaking, she left the
room to reflect.
When she returned, she was grounded in her intentions to be nonreactive, to seek out clear
understanding, and to not be attached to the outcome. This allowed her to participate in the
meeting in a calm, effective manner, saying her truth. Surprisingly, the group came to a
conclusion that, although it was not what she thought should happen, was at least something
she could live with. "Sometimes I remember to work with my intentions," she told me, "but
then at other times, I just seem to develop amnesia and completely forget the whole idea for
weeks at a time. It's like I had never been exposed to the teaching. I mean, there is nothing in
my mind but my goals. I don't even consider my intention." I assured her that it is like this for
almost everyone. It takes a long time to make right intention a regular part of your life.
At times, the benefits of acting from your intentions can seem so clear and obvious that you
vow, "I'm going to live this way from now on." Then you get lost or overwhelmed and
conclude that it is more than you can do. Such emotional reactions, while understandable,
miss the point. If you make right intention a goal, you are grasping at spiritual materialism.
Right intention is simply about coming home to yourself. It is a practice of aligning with the
deepest part of yourself while surrendering to the reality that you often get lost in your
wanting mind.
There are only two things you are responsible for in this practice: Throughout each day, ask
yourself if you are being true to your deepest intentions. If you're not, start doing so
immediately, as best as you're able. The outcome of your inquiry and effort may seem modest
at first. But be assured, each time you start over by reconnecting to your intention, you are
taking one more step toward finding your own authenticity and freedom. In that moment, you
are remembering yourself and grounding your life in your heart's intention. You are living the
noble life of the Buddha's teachings.

[Hopalong]

That's very wise information, Lighter, and it certainly would apply to any time at all I should spend with M. Wrestling with that question right now.

I am not looking to follow a particular meditative or religious or prescribed spiritual practice no matter what its label or tradition is. But I can still mine this article for its wonderful nuggets of wisdom and help, and really appreciate your intention (!) in sharing it.

Because you (and he) are so right; the reactivity is the thing. I think I am very defensive and scared in various situations and do react or retreat rather than remain at peace inside the situation regardless. (He had a great line about that). My reactivity is the only one I can work on. I am at such a tentative point with it presently that it may be best not to test it at all, or it could be that learning how to "be friends" with M could wind up as a strengthening and maturing thing for me. I have my doubts but if I'm learning from what's happening nothing is wasted.

Thanks for this, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I seem to have missed a lot of posts on this thread, I'm not sure how!  There's so much in this that rang a bell with me.

Tupp:

I stored things at my Dad's, so there were painful jabs while dealing with them.  Feelings if being.....well....feelings you can imagine being dragged through threatening systems by PD people doing all they can to destroy you while focusing painfully on your children to leverage and do trauma....and what was lost while defending and eventually counter attacking, which isn't in my normal character.....what it all cost my children, nieces and nephew.

Yes, not my normal character is just how I feel about my own situation as well.  So revealing and such a good way to put it.  I'm a lover, not a fighter!  I just wanted to get on with my life - raise my baby, go back to work, meet a nice man, buy a little house, maybe have a holiday or two!  I never dreamt I'd spend fifteen years battling my way through paper led battles and layers of deceit and injustice.  But you can't not do it?  The kids will suffer if you don't fight back; I found that hard to get my head round because I'd rather have walked away.  But that option wasn't available.

THAT was tough, then came the home movies with shift in perspective.  Turning away from a closed door of joy was how it felt....and I realized how attached I've been to the loss.  I realized I don't want to manufacture that now very familiar dynamic in the present.....it was an emotional release....like a hand releasing something hot.  A reaction....not a response, which is weird to BE reactive, suddenly, in a healthy way!  Maybe for the first time, and bc of all the information taking root and space....crowding out old habits and unconscious beliefs.

Yes, attached to the sense of loss had me nodding.  And I've found it very hard to move away from 'what my mum did to me' to focusing back on her, her awful childhood, her loveless, colourless marriages, her endless sacrifice of herself and her drinking in order to cope with it all.  But I feel more able now to see her as a damaged person, rather than as my mum?  Or as I wish my mum could have been?  Is that the way you feel with your dad now?

Honestly, mining the depths of unconscious beliefs is a layer of work moving things forward in jerks and spasms, feels like, IME, but.... that's part of moving forward and inhabiting new space....not leaving any major layers of habit and understanding unseat with and behind, holding back, dragging behind, clawing and struggling....taking focus back, rattling and creating distraction I couldn't identify before but now tend to and try very hard to process and move into historic files with intention.

I feel I'm not at all done, but now have basic tools benefiting my style and ability to cope....to expand my window of resilience, as my T says.

Writing that out.....I feel very keenly the years of frustration and confusion when feeling centered and in the zone went away.

Yes, I find I feel very miffed when someone or something pops my bubble now.  I like being able to go through my day without having to battle my own mind (or my nervous system kicking off or some trigger or other causing a panic attack).  It's nice to be in that zone and unpleasant when it dissipates.

I have such compassion for myself and inability to just FIX it.  The more I tried to think my way out, the harder it was.

I am so glad you have compassion for yourself and everything you've been through/are going through ((((Lighter)))))

I did collect useful information helping me understand and make sense of the therapy sessions, which I don't think I would have, otherwise.

I could be wrong, of course.  Dropping expectation is a default now, not just a fleeting comfort during crisis and terrifying threats I couldn't control.

I think I believe all will be well, all the time now, rather than believe or struggle to believe, bc I'm stuck in my limbic system too long, not understanding why or how to get OUT if I can just remember to breathe and get very curious...things start falling into place, like dominoes.  Feeling better begins dropping into place and new unconscious belief systems begin organizing , shifting, building and finally taking up residence without creating resistance and persistence of the old, if that makes sense.

Not only levels to notice and attend to, but ways to attend to help the process, rather than force and extend, with more frustration and judgment popping up, which I remember keenly suffering through.

THAT has largely been extinguished, as of now.  I AM kind to myself. 
I DO stop shame and guilt before it gets inside.
I don't judge...and that's key.  Its6also a work in progress.  So.etimes I have to remember, backtrack and SEE the situation without reactive anger.....and I do try.  I think I mostly succeed now, and it's an amazing lesson if I don't.  I compare and notice how each feeeeels, so different.

Again, a small release of emotionally dropping something dangerous and hot.

Dropping something dangerous and hot feels like exactly the right description.  It makes no sense to keep carrying it, right?

Maybe the real shift is understanding how detrimental old habits truly are....believing....internalizing and processing fully so all the reward evaporates and leaves a void where new defaults are primed to....slide into place.  The old default patterns fully processed and moved into historic files with a resounding slam.

Maybe.  Not sure.  Writing that last part doesn't feel as solid or known and understood, frankly, but I suspect that's the case.

It makes sense to me, Lighter.  I was doing a meditation this morning in which she focuses on choosing  new time line.  The theme is that you release your old time line as it no longer suits you; you've learnt the lessons you needed and you can take them into the time line you choose for yourself.  She refers to changing from surviving to creating and I think that's so true.  Such a big difference between getting through the day and enjoying and savouring the day.  I'm hoping for much more of the latter is coming your way now (probably with lots of moss!  Lol xx

Lighter

[lighter]

Tupp:

 I have managed to see my parents as wounded children....humans....not flawed parents only.  It really brought serenity around those relationships for me.  I was at the lake recently....after a big storm, and the day after was sunny and warm and very windy.  Really beautiful.  I saw Dad's house and land and the lake through his eyes and...
this is a little odd, but I wished he was there, looking with me.  I took what remains of his ashes and threw them into the wind....they went so high!  It felt like he was happy and free of the room he'd spent the last21 years if his life.....not caring about his dream of a farm.  It was poignant and uplifting.

I've had a couple major shifts.  Mostly being very mindful about gratitude and the numbers 555, 1111 and 440 are coming up over and over for me since.  I grasp concepts more easily.  I SEE more meaning in things I couldn't understand befire.

I'll write more about it when I figure out this wireless keyboard.

In the meantime, I'm very busy with big projects and my girls are doing ok.

Lots of traveling back and forth to lake and home this week, so not posting as much.

Will update soon: )

 Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

 I have managed to see my parents as wounded children....humans....not flawed parents only.  It really brought serenity around those relationships for me.  I was at the lake recently....after a big storm, and the day after was sunny and warm and very windy.  Really beautiful.  I saw Dad's house and land and the lake through his eyes and...
this is a little odd, but I wished he was there, looking with me.  I took what remains of his ashes and threw them into the wind....they went so high!  It felt like he was happy and free of the room he'd spent the last21 years if his life.....not caring about his dream of a farm.  It was poignant and uplifting.

I've had a couple major shifts.  Mostly being very mindful about gratitude and the numbers 555, 1111 and 440 are coming up over and over for me since.  I grasp concepts more easily.  I SEE more meaning in things I couldn't understand befire.

I'll write more about it when I figure out this wireless keyboard.

In the meantime, I'm very busy with big projects and my girls are doing ok.

Lots of traveling back and forth to lake and home this week, so not posting as much.

Will update soon: )

 Lighter

I'm getting that way with my mum, Lighter, not my step-dad although to be honest I've not put any effort into the way I feel about him.  But I'm starting to see my mum more as someone who is very damaged herself rather than as someone who damaged me.  That is in part because I've had no contact with her for such a long time; I don't know that I'd maintain that thought if she pulls any of her stunts again.  But for now it feels easier.

I did do a meditation this morning; I'm finding some of these very visual in my own mind now.  In this one it's suggested that you cut karmic ties and gather up the parts of yourself that were left elsewhere during trauma.  I'm not massively into the concept of karma but I find the notion of the meditation helpful and soothing.  I imagined my mum giving me back my broken heart, my dad returning my little Tupp soul to me that I feel he took when he died, and my step-dad giving me back my body as something beautiful and sensual to love and enjoy.  I feel like he took that from me with the abuse.  I don't know why those sort of things make me feel better but they do, so I'm going to keep doing them.  I think as I'm getting older I'm seeing how much society changes in relatively short spaces of time and understanding better how disconcerting it is if you're not part of the new wave of seeing things differently.  I can see how deeply embedded in my mum 'love and honour your husband' was, however badly he behaved, and I feel very grateful that I've not got myself into a corner with that as well.  Just feels like less blame and more acceptance.

I hope the projects are all going well!  And that things are ticking along okay xx xx

[lighter]

Projects all going swell, Tupp.

Lots of balls in the air.  Steamed 4 rooms of wallpaper off.  Cleaned cabinet faces. Started on floors.  The dishwasher and icemaker are working again, bc my brother is super competent that way.

I run home tomorrow, youngest DD has a dental appt Monday, then pack a 26 foot truck and roll back here with 2 movers.

I loved reading about your meditation.  Taking back the pieces of yourself sounds necessary, useful and healing to me.

And.....
I'm glad I'm not stuck in a terrible marriage to an unhealthy man too, ((Tupp.))

I'm very grateful too.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Are you moving Lighter? Did I miss something?

[lighter]

Nope, Amber.  Trying to clean and paint bath and bedrooms at father's lake house before Christmas.  Picked up 2 sofas, 2 loveseat and 2 chairs.....beautiful leather and wood....used....worth the 5 hour drive in rented truck.  Dibs and I will talk about the property's future....maybe convert into a 8 bedroom, 8 bath, 2 half bath hotel/ event space with chapel and reception hall....petting zoo!  We all agree on the petting zoo with tiny goats and bunnies; )  Maybe put in dry dock storage and a community dock and small marina on the lake.....large fire pit with seating.

The area doesn't have large properties allowing parties and noise past a certain hour.  Most in communities with rules.

I'll be trucking basement cabinets there Wednesday from the local Habitat for humanity store.  2 hour drive in a 26' truck.
Loading carefully is a concern, of course.  I hired 2 movers to help. Beautiful solid cherry with warped old world glass....bubbles and all.  Looks great and distinguished.  Tomorrow I label them, and finalize design plan.  Have to order appliances.  I'd be excited if I weren't so sleepy.  Really missing my girls.  Nice to cook and dance with them tonight.

Hands have a few pesky cuts and burns....takes a bit of fun out of being in the kitchen, ime.

Nite.

Lighter







Considering turning it into a hotel property with reception gall, chapel and...
best of all...
A Petting zoo!  That's the one thing all siblings have a clear vision on...tiny goats, rabbits and maybe donkeys.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

God that sounds amazing, Lighter - especially the pets!  You have been working hard, as always.  It will be nice if all of that is done before Christmas.  The furniture sounds lovely as well xx

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
I'm staggered by your appetite for complex, challenging real estate projects. But sure you can do these and enjoy it a great deal all the while. When one can, thinking big must really be fun.

I think the fears and anxieties and complexities you have expressed over your island B&B left me my surprised by this latest venture.

But it's at least only two hours away! No boats or airplanes required. Hope it goes well and is overall joyful and satisfying for you, despite the inevitable detours and glitches.

Do I understand right that you inherited this property from your stepfather?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

My father's farm/ lake property...not sf.

I have 2 sibs with big ideas for the place....bigger than me.  I was thinking more event Center with 4 bedrooms for a bride and besties.  Sister thinking airbnb with top floor separated from bottom floor with ability to open up.

My brother surprised me with hotel/ marina/ chapel/pool reception hall separate from house, which looks like a lodge.

The place needs to produce income or be sold.  That's a fact.

I'm not sure what form that takes, but we'll be discussing it over Christmas.

We packed, trucked and unloaded a 26' truck yesterday.....included 2 hours driving each way.  Movers returned truck and I stayed at the lake.

I'm headed to Home Depot for floor stripper, sheetrock mud and paint.  Carpet cleaner might show.  If I strip wax off brick pavers, his machine can steam them into like new condition.

I'm starving so will get a bite in town.

I realize....I have energy and the will to do this work.  It's bringing us closer....esp little brother.  Lots of processing taking place.  Getting to know each other...moving past old ideas of who we were to each other.

I'm feeling solid IN my body...at home.  Calm.  Safe.  Reactivity happens but it's easier to see and deal with.

I'm happy.  Kids are grown and smart and funny and emotionally intelligent.  I have zero regrets about raising them up as my priority.....would change very little.  Did my very best.  I forgive myself for the bobbles.

Youngest DD graduates this year.  I'm stepping into a new chapter...and it feels very mindful....very right.

Most walking is falling forward.  I don't feel that way.  This is kissing the earth, mindfully stepping meditation.

And I've been stretching and feeling happy in self care.  It's being present in the moment....I think.  A shift I'm sometimes aware of....but it's feeling more natural. 

I had guest scheduled into the island cottage, but they cancelled.....Covid timing seems to have shut that Airbnb plan down tight.  Will put it on the market and enjoy it as much as we can.  Maybe put a seawall in with my own hands....that would feel right, if I can figure it out.  I can hire trusted and very strong helpers.  Will see.  I feel like so many possibilities will open up....and I'll know what to choose.

Trusting myself....my instincts is where I live now.  I'm home: )

Miss you guys.  Will be back more often when the lake house and my home is in order.  I'm editing and simplifying.  It fwels like the river spirit scene from the movie Spirited Away.  All the junk and trapped stuff flowing out.

Lighter