Mindfulness and codependence thread

[sKePTiKal]

OH MY. Where to start?

Yes, excellent rant. And justified, IMO.

What I heard from that, was that y'all are living in a state of fear that YG will intentionally cross your boundaries with evil intent and physical force. You should address that; it's no way to live. So far, you haven't relayed him even trying to contact you... so make your plan on how to handle what conceivably MIGHT come up - without letting your imagination go to worst case scenarios. Stand up in your power and project your understanding of strength in yourself; trust in your ability to take care of yourself; and try not to over-compensate with your rejection of his possible attempts to remain a neighbor in your vicinity. No need to publicly kick his ass, just because you can. 

But avoiding & trying to make him disappear from your surrounding environment isn't going to do you any good. He was foolish to open his mouth and say such things. But that doesn't automatically translate into he's an actual threat. Be strong and show him how little this has impacted you - even if you have to fake it a bit.

Life is always going to throw things like that at people (not just women) and I struggled for a long long time (and am still working on it) with not just matter of factly dealing with those things as they come up; letting it go - without forgetting what this revealed; and moving freely about in my life like a duck on a pond. It was just a ripple after all; not a tsunami.

[Hopalong]

Thought of you when I read this in the Post today, Lighter. Hope it might help:

For people who are obsessed, if you respond to even one out of 30 attempts to contact you (even if only to reject them again), they will view those 30 attempts as a success because their goal was achieved, getting you to engage which feeds their obsessive fire.  Their obsessive behavior will only extinguish when they have absolutely no contact to feed their fire.

That's why I suggested you screen/block his calls and don't "go along" with a "neighborly" pretext that he is owed something/ANYTHING because of his nerve-wracking, inappropriate declaration. No pretexts, including: Because he is a neighbor. Because he has a nice wife. Because because....

I don't KNOW that he's "obsessed." What if he is only infatuated? They're both the same thing if you are the unwilling or no-longer-willing object of his attention. When you owe him nothing and when you as a free human being are allowed to change your mind. At any point. Without justification or explanation or compromise. NO means NO.

Your DDs don't need to be trained to live in fear or on high alert if/when it's not needed but I know your intent is to teach them confidence, not hypervigilance.

They still will want to find their way to comfortable, routine boundary-setting, trusting with discernment, and mostly taking joy in life and their place in it.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Had a IRL reciprocal rant today with friend I've known 30+ years.  Hers over work, masks and vaccines.  You know my rant was this thread, but.....tailored for so.eone who's always known me, good, bad and we've had our head butting sessions.  We speak our truths....we get the other one completely.

Validation, brain storming and possible solutions to YG problem discharged the reactivity around this.

Dd18 couldn't find a particular hat and asked me to "do the lean,"  saying she'd be a true believer if it worked.  I did it.  Definitely upstairs.....sort of in the loft.  DD walked right to one if the closets in the loft hall and put her hands on the hat.

Later she said she now wholly trusted my instincts.  I told her she has perfectly goid abilities if her own.  She should use and trust her intuition.

She said she felt mine was better....aged....but I'm pleased she SEES its the right path for me, her, dd20 and Amazons everywhere.

The day went like that....like a filter on my brain was uninstalled.  Like I stepped into myself.  Creative ideas were firing all over the place.  Possibility and joy flowed...so many ideas and my hands moved happily to finish projects and move others forward...no thinking.  Pure zone.  Amazing.

No thoughts or worries came up.  Had a nice long chat with YG's wife in my yard then dashed off downtown on errands.  It was beautiful out.  Ideas kept clicking along.  I'm ready to set up LLCs with the girls on everything.  It's time.

It's past time to worry about YG. 

DD18 heard some of my conversation with my friend and noted the difference between doing hair and makeup bc society expects it vs for ourselves, which flowed through me today.  I wore a beautiful sparkly scarf I bought in Paris 5 years ago?  And never wore, bc it seemed too much.  Today it was just right.  So special and I felt put together and happy happy joyful being ME again.  For myself.  Not for anyone else.

I ate well w/o thinking about it.  Good nothing to do with comfort today.  Nice.  I remember that.  It's familiar.

I have so much to do this evening!

Thank you all for your mindful responses.  So many POV....hard won lessons and beautiful wisdom I appreciate so much.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Lighter, that was so lovely to read!  Yes to sparkly scarves and knowing where hats are without knowing how you know And yes to doing what you want, rather than what society dictates and passing that on to your girls.  I love that DD thinks your instinct is better aged.  She's right.  But so good that she's got that path of aging her own instinct ahead of her now, with her wise and sparkly mummy to advise if she needs it.  Yes! xx

[sKePTiKal]

Excellent, Lighter.

[Hopalong]

Loved reading this, Lighter:

The day went like that....like a filter on my brain was uninstalled.  Like I stepped into myself.

Sounds like self-love to me!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Woke up this morning well rested.

Felt the same way...
centered, sure, strong and in the zone.

Walked bg pug into the forest first thing.  Used out or favorite trails.  Didn't cross my mind I'd run into anyone...we saw only bike tracks of lovely neibor couple and their 2 sons.  They booked cottage for son's shark lab camp, btw.  Excited to have them there!

Noticing immediate karma all
The
Time right now.  Keeping thoughts positive and directed.  The universe is done faffing about with me.

Poached 2ceggs and served over wilted baby arugula.....just opened new black truffle salt and it was amazing meal.  I always feel better when I begin a day with lots of greens.

Made 2 appointments with nutritionist who got me through the custody trial.  This time is for dd18.  She's my priority now.

Going downtown now.  Will go by tile warehouse bargain room, but not set on forcing that purchase today.  Will be in Atlanta quite a bit and shopping there with samples of things I've " curated."

Yesterday something popped and I could see every detail of the house and contents....its felt like shopping in my own home.  Finding things for different projects and to send out into the world.

Coffee was different this morning.  I didn't like the Califa coconut milk with coconut water I bought to replace milk, but today I used a little vanilla, canned coconut and mct oil.....SO good! 
In
The
Zone, moment to moment.  Lead to do.

Usually I'm going in circles around everyone's priorities....mine simply somewhere middle on the list.

Today the list is clear and mine and is THIS how men typically move through the world?

 Food for thought, but I'm going out door.  Day is warm and sunny and my mosquito dunks deployed after the happy happy walk.

YES!

Lighter is lighter today: )

[Hopalong]

Unless they're black or Asian or poor, imo:

Today the list is clear and mine and is THIS how men typically move through the world?

And only generally, yes. Male suffering shows in other ways.

They move through the world generally without the specific constraints most women walk in.

I'd like us all to be free to be as relaxed as you are now, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Today very productive. 

My brain firing more efficiently if not on all cylinders.  I SEE solutions....where looking for solutions netted me nothing a few days ago.....is how it feels. 

Karma kicking my arse...keepung me focused....showing me where my reactivity pops up.....hiw it's part of the problems.  Never the solution.  I have more skinned shins, stubbed toes, almost turned ankles and choking incidents, ALL associated with thoughts veering off South.

I think I finally SEE it.  The repetitive, tedious off ramp to justified grievances and injustice.....no longer serving me.  I wonder if I can change this quickly if I find time and get on with the work/techniques. Will help to go over them.  Will see about it if needed, but THIS is a thing for me.

I'm so ready to let it all go.

Meeting with contractor tomorrow and THERE! 
See? 
My mind went all snarky and sarcastically wondered if I needed to set him straight up front about any sex we'll not be having and it's not serving me to shift into snark like that.  I'm not shocked to say I've DONE that....been super direct, likely bitch to head off trouble in my past.  I did that with ASPD N h.......I guess crushing a subservient woman wouldnt5have been any.....see?  There it is again.  Uber curious....what goes through my mind.

I saw YG walk through my yard 10 minutes ago.  He had a weird look on his surprisingly furry face....like he's hiding in his beard...trying to look invisible, sorry to be breathing up air near me, which might typically make me feel compassion for him, but I'm busy and running behind and he'll just have to sort his own self out for now.


Today's been problem  sorting, packing, list making, scheduling passport, bug guy, cable upgrade and car maintenance for dd20.....figuring out cottage bills, which isn't bugging me like it used to.....the bike repairs necessary.

Life us better when I see what's in front of me.  The past slapping around in my head isn't productive.

Lighter

[Meh]

Congratulations on a productive moment. But oh my gosh it sounds like a LOT.

As far as the no-sex with contractor. Well I don't know what is going on with that.

I mean you are paying him right, he is working for you.

There are a few modes of bitchiness that a person might employ I suppose if need be.

[sKePTiKal]

Yesterday, I was browsing sofas in my old stand-by furniture store. Walking up the main aisle to leave, one of the salesmen walked up behind me and said - "That's a great color on you!" (wearing Indigo)

Without turning around, I just said "Thanks" and kept walking.

Thought passed thru my mind - he just wants to start conversation to sell me something (commission sales you know). And then I caught a quick glimpse of myself in a mirror - and with my white hair pulled back in a ponytail & earrings on for the first time in months and the indigo - yeah, it IS a good color on me; it's my signature color, in fact.

No matter if there was an ulterior motive behind the comment; I felt so solid in my boundaries yesterday... that I could take the compliment from it and not consider any other reason for the interaction/comment. Not waste any energy - or give any - to whether it was appropriate, a boundary threat, a pickup line, or a sales pitch.

Sometimes, it's what we give energy to - even in our thoughts & perceptions - that manifests in reality. Grant you, it's not ALWAYS true - and sometimes people actually do mean harm. Navigating that requires some other kind of perception, maybe intuition - situational elements too.

Pondering how much our interpretation of interactions, reflects our selves - and not necessarily other people and their intentions (if there even are any; it's very easy to assume an intention where none exists). And how our neural pathways like to drag us to the same old crappy places... instead of something different.

:scratching head; wondering about this multi-level universe of energy and agency within it; and how our minds create our realities based on JUST our previous experiences - without allowing for something unique, because that's what it's designed to do:

[Hopalong]

Huh. My thoughts were:

he's bored
he's into design (I know furniture folks)
he finds your appearance striking and beautiful
he's lonesome (just in the moment, sales can be so boring)
he's friendly
he's curious (not many striking older women with style in his daily orbit)

None of the things you mentioned crossed my mind, but I have no idea what his age was or his vibes were. Walking "up behind" sounds like a possible issue, though. Clueless.

I'll bet indigo is amazing on you!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Naw, it wasn't a creepy thing at all Hops. He was just behind me, going from point A to B, about his own business when he made the comment.

Point I was making - it wasn't worth my energy trying to ascertain what MIGHT have prompted the comment, since I wasn't going to engage past the "thank you" acknowledgement. I said thanks to another gentleman that held the door for me, somewhere too.

Those kinds of little civil "niceties" in our hustle-bustle world are more important than I think we realize sometimes - but definitely not worth writing a whole fantasy about. It's not even Etiquette with it's sacred hierarchy of straight-jacketed rules... we used to take stuff like that for granted; then we resented it as somehow patronizing or demeaning in implication; and I'm thinking it's just the simple extension of goodwill, kindness, and acknowledging that one is an actual human being that was "seen" in another's world.

Hol keeps reminding that when we encounter difficult people - or even jerks - that it's not possible for us to know just how awful their day (life) has been lately. But the reverse has to also be true too - that sometimes people are just kind, acknowledging another's presence around them - and there isn't any threat in that or ulterior motive at all.

Maybe if more of us were in the habit of demonstrating simple civil kindnesses to each other - the current tension and animosity and "us vs them" levels would decrease in hostility. It's OK, if it's not returned or acknowledged. Simply taking the action puts the energy out there - and even though it's a very small gesture it is just as infectious as COVID.

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I don't think your mind is being snarky and sarcastic - your experience with that other contractor was genuinely frightening and completely unacceptable.  I think it's perfectly reasonable that your brain goes to 'do I need to make it clear to this one that it's work only', simply because of the way some people do think 'single woman' = 'available to any old willy going'.  I do think it's unlikely you'd get any others as bad as that one but it's understandable that your brain wants to put some sort of barrier up.  On the flip side, an old friend of mine who was a carpenter used to tell me about the astonishingly high number of women - married or otherwise - who used to make it clear they'd be interested in more than his carpentry skills, and I know he took more than a few up on the offer.  People are surprising behind closed doors, I guess some people always think it's worth having a go.  But I don't think you're snarky and sarcastic - sparkly and shiny is more like it

Skep, we seem to be on a similar track this week.  I'm sick to the back teeth of my intrusive male neighbours so each time one of them has said good morning this week I've said good morning and then carried on with what I'm doing, without any thought to how it comes across or what any of it might mean.  There must be something in the air   And yes to people holding doors open, I love it when someone (anyone!) does that, and I always do it for other people if I can.  I was just walking back from the shop and someone was walking towards me.  There are two paths running side by side with bushes in between so I crossed to the other path to keep the space.  I was deep in thought and not even looking up as we passed one another but he called out thank you and when I looked up he was smiling at me and it cheered me up no end (I don't mean in a romantic way, just that friendly politeness - it does make a difference).  Of course, when I got home I said hello to the cat, who ignored me and walked away, so I was reminded not to get too pleased with myself   Lol x

[lighter]

The bathroom tear out started yesterday at the lake.  Looks SO much better already, my goodness. I pick tile and LVP this week.  Tgevtruck has another burning up stinky wheel, when will it end?  I need it to haul.

The dumpster us hooked to the 🚜 front end....pretty mulch buried in the shop.  Getting it out will keep me busy....Ive been going through the 5 huge yard bags of photos my sis and I the out.  Some really important things have been retrieved.  It's slowing my roll.....creating really odd dreams, but no stomach punches as I move through the painstaking task.

I'm getting dinged less by the universe.  I know when negative thoughts pop up and self correct now.....usually with compassion.

DD18 super fun, but we hit low spots and deal with them.  This time together has been good for both of us.   Lots if dancing and singing and laughing.  We're creating inside jokes, not that we need more, but it's fun.

Must go out the door.

Lighter