Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Amber:

Do you feel Hol  was looking for a reaction or response from you..... when you dropped the mail off?

OR do you feel it was her way of sending the message she wasn't in a mood for chit chat... time for you to go?

Curious about that and expectations she has.

Perhaps she had none.  I don't know.  Just asking.
Lighter

[lighter]

Something big shifted yesterday.  I paid attenion.... to make sure it wasn't just a passing few hours .... and it's still here this evening. 

It feels like I fell off a ledge..... not too high a ledge, and fell INTO my space.  My business.  What's MINE to deal with, if that makes sense.

I feel like I'm not UP above my life..... waiting for it to begin..... breathing bad air..... trying to see through thick fog.... searching for the things I MUST DO before I can turn toward myself.

Hmm..... it as a very good day: )

Lighter

[lighter]

OK... about DD20.

I've switched off my critical mama brain and tuned into my lovely dd.... right before me... in the now.

This morning I did a fairly deep clean in the meatball grease covered kitchen, got clean and prepared to go out into the most amazingly breezy, almost cool, almost hot but not day when DD20 took the pug out for a walk.

I asked DD if she wanted to run around shopping for tiles and such for the renovation.... she thought about it, then declined. Watching her walk away just felt wrong and I dropped what I had in my arms and joined her on her walk.  We went to the Cowboy's house and visited with their sweet precious black lab who ADORES me and I filled one of their hummingbird feeders with DD's help. It was so nice to just chat casally and not be yapping at her about her dirty dishes in the sink, or walking her dog or whatever.

So, I walk in the door this evening and invite DD20 to eat with me... I marinated chicken breasts last night.  She thought I brought home Indian or Thai.... so she decided she didn't want to eat and walked into the LR.

I saw her dirty dishes and said.... DD.... can you guess what it is I'm about to say?  Isaw her turn toward the stairs and take a step up.

She's used to me reminding her...... DD18 learned how to say please and thank you as a baby from listening to me tell her sister to say it. 

I asked one more time if she knew what I was going to say... and she turned toward me and said she didn't.

Instead of brining up the dirty dishes, I won't remember in a year, I talked about her wonderful heart.... how she'd given the 2o.00 emergency money in her car to a woman who said she needed gas money.  How she stood out in the freezing cold at a grocry store waiting for the AAA guy to show up so she could have him unlock a car door for some young people who'd locked themselves out. 

Her face lit up when I didn't talk about the dishes or the dog...... and then I chattered happily as I made happily made her dog a special dinner. 

I'm seeking joy out where I can find it. 

Now I'm gonna eat me some meatballs and a salad with apple cider vinegar, lime juice and pink salt.  Maybe a sprinkle of truffle salt on those meatballs.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Lighter, my heart was singing as I read all of that   Yes to being in our own lives, being able to see the wonderful bits, to lovely, sunshiny days and plenty of meatballs   Yes to all of that.  I'm so happy for you xx

[lighter]

🌞🌛🤸

[sKePTiKal]

It was a tiny thing, Lighter.

I picked up her trash on the way to the mailbox. She tossed a bag into the back of the ranger on top of other bags. I said "I need to be able to see to back down the road" - something I've told her before and has irritated her before. She said  "so put it where you want it, why do you even need to comment?"

I wasn't criticizing or accusing, just pointing it out. And of course I shifted the bag. But she heard criticism... and then proceeded to grump at me how I should speak, be & behave. I just wasn't engaging in any of that crap and left it. If I'd reacted & engaged it would've escalated right then & there.

We talked about it the next day. One thing I realized is that on set, orders are barked, swift reaction is required, and she'd just obliged that system for 3 weeks. So, I can understand she might be sensitive -- and of course still tired. But being instructed on how I may or may not speak is guaranteed to get my hackles up. That's eggshell territory and she knows I hate it.

She was pushing herself to catch up with housework, that first day back, too. Steve didn't do badly but when your focus is working outside, one just tends to neglect things inside. I do that too.

All in all, none of this requires mediation or is a catastrophe. I even get grumped at sometimes when I tell her to be careful or drive safely... I get the "Mom, I'm 43 years years old glare". As if me caring about her, signifies she's NOT more capable and competent than a lot of other people. These are the kinds of awkwardness that comes, as she's working through the stuff in her head, how she feels, how she interacts with people. Like layers peeling off...

When she's this tired, there's no filter between all of her inner work stuff and how she interacts with people. Plus she has built up momentum/pressure to release, too. Things she stuffed because it's not professional to express them.

[lighter]

Ok.  HUGE day.  All morning spent dealing with cottage Airbnb guest's passport problem fir the husband, then cancelled flight bc the island airport has standing water making it unsafe for landings, then no Thursday flights available
AND San exterior light was out AnD the water plant was down on our side of the island ANd housekeeper did what it took to have electrician replace the light ( not her job but many dropped the ball) so the water plant problem meant she couldn't get 5 gallon bottle installed in cottage AND was running late to work.....for Pete's sake.  This is so time consuming AND no one communicates well.  My attempts seem to be annoying, or so it seems.

Enough of that.

I had an amazing chat with my brother today after frustrating conversation about the light and my expectations for being kept in the loop so I'm not reacting
All
The
Damn
Time.

We came together, found common ground, apologized, expressed gratitude and respect for each other and our strengths.

I'm SO relieved, bc working together is so appealing vs little brother finding 5 reasons to disagree with everything I say and do.  Everything.  Takes.  So.  Much.  Energy.  I'm so tired of fighting. 

We traced some of his reactivity back to my mother's hoarding, which was hardest on me, truthfully.  Such a waste for him to SEE my mother and rage against the hoard while dealing with me and my sister in the present, but my dad saw my mother when he saw us too.

It's generational.... we're on the way to healing our relationships, imo.  I have no idea what we'll achieve working together, but I feel amazing right now!

Youngest dd28 spent last 2 days in deep depression.  Not eating right.  Caring about nothing.  Deadpan.  100 yard stare much of the time. Short on patience.  I am concerned.

We travel to the lake house in the morning to pay contractor and drop off vanity for 29" space.  It will sit flush within the space once contractor cuts the top's overhang off.  Got a great sale, it came with a mirror AND my favorite  Lowe's guy was there to help me remove the box, inspect, ensure the stone top still matched the tile/is unbroken and load.

  I bought the last 9 tiles for the shower floor....only needed 6, but just in case.....got every one.  Not a great sale, but I strive to get the best/right things at deep discounts.  The tile and flooring are things I pay pretty close to retail for, so far. 

I picked up some amazing body soaps in pump dispensers.  I'm already arranging furniture in my head....editing kitchen for Airbnb.  The Evolve management company looks good to handle the rentals, professional photographs and placement on multiple sites. We cmit to 3 months with them.  Their fee is super reasonable, imo.  They handle other large properties on this lake.  I'm thinking done and done.

If we can have the main floor 3 be, 3 ba, 1 half ba rented out part of the summer.... we can finish the basement in slower months and work on landscaping in the fall. 



We've decided to put hardwoods in LR.  It's sandwiched between mdm light oak hardwoods on 2 sides and brick pavers on one with an entire wall of gray stone on the fourth side.  The existing hardwoods will be refinished to blend all together with darker stain to match the LVP in bedrooms and baths.  It looks better dark, bc the pattern of the light oak wood is very busy.  The darker wood contrasts well with the unsealed Pecky Cypress walls and ceilings....also nice with the white marble bathrooms.  As large as the space is...as high as the ceilings are, the dark floors anchor the space.  That's how I see it. 

The frameless shower door went in to finish the first bathroom.  I'm pretty sure it's spot on. 

Needless to say, I'm feeling energized and centered.  Food easy now. 

Will sleep a while then get us out the door in the morning.

I'm filled with gratitude this evening.  I see potential and goodness....it feels very near.  It feels now.

Nite

[Hopalong]

Any luck finding a specialist ED therapist for DD18?

I'm concerned too.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

DD18 hasn't put her finger on one.  A problem she sees is she's super educated about ED.  From DD20's experience with one.... it's a bit nonsensical when she looks at it with current prescriptive food routine.

DD18 is conflicted...
But also had a bad week...not up for anything at all.  We duliscuss but she brings up reasons and problems with ED T rather than focusing on solutions.

I want her to lead on this, so I'm trying not to pester or insist we do it my way.

Lightrr

[lighter]

DD perked up yesterday morning.  We laughed and danced in the kitchen.  She ran when I backed my backside at her then ran back and danced....so much laughter.

And....some if it is me loosening up.....letting tension fall from my face, expectation...worry for her...DD20.

I keep learning this lesson in increments.  I turn a corner and notice it.  Turn another corner and notice.

What is that?  I've intellectualized the lesson, but failed to internalize it?  My belief system hasn't yet changed?  That's why it keeps coming around, I guess.

We see nutritionist today, along with my very I'll friend.  Preliminary tests show 2 nodules in her lung and platelets are low.  Everything the tested is off, in fact.  Will know more when I see her, but.....
I'm noticing how I feel around her chronic fatigue dx from 20 years ago.  It started when she left her crazy ex h with 3 young children, the youngest a product of him raping her....she had so little support and the ex tormented her in the courts with good ol boy judges helping him until a male judge shut that down for good.

The civil system is so slow and whonkey here.  Humanity shows it's every face and I'm always surprised but, good and bad.

But here we are.  Me facing what's left of her, what can be salvaged, left behind....with her, but at a distance.  I'm not rushing in or trying to save her.  She has to do it for herself.  Finding appropriate ways to support her is my goal here.  I'm paying more attention to me and how this feels.  Noticing I resist the urge to swoop in and make up for all the failures and harm and trauma....the terror of being picked apart and threatened by someone you should trust....through the courts.  Children on the line.

This is the first time I can feel the tension and feeling of imminent crisis have gone...are absent while thinking about the bits and pieces involved.

Nose off pebble is better. I am more helpful and responsive when I avoid reactivity.

I had a relaxed and casual chat with my brother today.  He listened....seemed to attune, ask questions and comment without his usual tension.  I might work with him at his shop for a while, learn to work on heavy equipment( basic understanding) and operate it.  Good skills to have.  It feels as though we've been flung free of a river....released and we didn't even know we were body surfing rapids and boulders.

We're out of our trances.  I hope we find ways to build on this.  Teach it to our children.

I'm safe and feeling tended to....spent the night at my friend's home w her very nice husband.  They cooked dinner for us last night.  Steak, broccoli and mushrooms yum.  We laughed and laughed afterwards...DD18 too.  The house is clean and organized.  They're very kind to each other. 

Even though I lived here through some of the worst custody court stuff....I only feel the safety and support in that.  The Terr r and frustration of being.....see?  That thought just peters out....goes nowhere.  This reminds me of how thoughts changed with the brain integration work.

My takeaway is it's all the same work....T, meditation, Nutrition Response Testing,  Brain Integration.....the same goal, different routes to relieve inflammation, trauma, biochemical hijack and restore balance....restore our ability to recover and mitigate stress/harm.

Restore a child's viewpoint and provide safety and support for that inner child so it can release vigilance and need for understanding, to be seen....wounds and all....and perhaps avenged.

All playing out at different levels, conscious and subconsciously....with different people and systems, through the years.

DD18 was up at 4@m.  She says she can't sleep more than 4 hours at a go.  I got up with her and ate raw organic cashews(I love these friends....they see same nutritionist and always have food we can eat,) while DD ate what we're traveling with....meatballs, zucchini, roasted parsnips and cauliflower.  I slept again.  DD did not, do she's napping now.  My feet are propped on the bed I recovered from 2 eye surgeries....and they're well scrubbed, toenails naked....well made feet.  Most if my life I wore frosted pink toenail polish.  It looked like me, my feet, but scrubbed and naked suddenly looks like me too.  I don't need to project who I am through....

I bought the first new dress....any clothing since my brother gave me birthday money in 2010 and I purchased long handmade coat jackets and a skirt I still cherish and wear often.  I tend to buy what I love very rarely and wear them to death, wanting nothing else.

I'm looking for my favorite jeans....in pieces, having been used as a pattern.  I'll have DD20 see them back together.  I figure I'm 2 sizes away from having them back.  They feel like me.  I've had them repaired and patched through the years.  Nothing new could ever replace them.

So....happy, safe, wearing a new dress.... I'm in a good headspace to be supportive to my girls, my family, my friend's and mostly to myself.

Tuesday my buddy with dental trauma's DD is having her wisdom teeth out.  It's unlikely he'll be able to drop her off, pick her up or care for her.  I'll help them.  Am glad to, since both my girls went through this, same doc and location.  The bits and bobs will be how and where I help while keeping my life on track.  Everything can't stop and I think it would have this time last year.  I notice I'm not worrying about it.

Nice.

Lighter

[lighter]

I noticed my knee jerk reaction to small setbacks is dread all is lost.....setback=all is lost in my mind.

Part of this is a rigid standard and expectation....for cleaning, paying people, fulfilling promises, etc.

Part is something else....particularly when it comes to my friend and her situation...my understanding the injustice she's suffered...list her health to.

She has a role in her health and gaining it back.  I'm just a supporting cheerleader who helps her navigate....but the journey is hers.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I liked this, Lighter. Made me think.

Restore a child's viewpoint and provide safety and support for that inner child so it can release vigilance and need for understanding...

I just thought...maybe a gift to myself would be to restore my child's viewpoint? She was sweet and kind and perceptive. Sensitive, too, but not in a resentful way. Just...that was how she encountered the world, animals, people, mountains, beauty, music....it was who she was, without neurosis. (That all came later.)

I think my inner child deserves some time OUT.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Soooo.....my very rigid, at times, posture serves a purpose much of the time, I realize.  It serves to distance prying people, keep me distanced from chaos.....order in tact.  Is that really a word?

Yesterday at Nutritional Response Practitioner the
Wheels
Came
Off.
At one point I was afraid my frail friend was going to start swinging at NRP, who really lacks bedside manner.....she just does.  Particularly with badly crushed women fighting the good fight with Sociopaths and the system.

Hmmmm, where to post this?

Will just do it here, bc not about DD or my nutrition appts....hopefully.

First, my friend received news her chest x-ray not only turned up 2 nodules BUT also her breast has a mass.

Her Western doc phoned her with zero info to share and went sloppy stupid about what she should have had in front of her regarding test results her office delivered stupidly over the phone earlier.  I think the doc said....now "wait a minute, you're talking about a bunch of stuff I don't know about, you need to come back in."

Ummm, duhhh.

This in reference to red blood cells and platelets......friend said doc was calling to explain those test results.  She had some nerve speaking to her like that, blah blah, slammed phone down.

It sucks to be treated badly by any doc, but particularly a woman who should be able to think that kind of discussion through and maybe have info in front of her before dialing the patient, but that's how I see Western practitioners operating on their best day.  I feel sorry for them and their patients.

I have to be quick here....NRP is thin and neat and judge and somewhat dismissive...my friend was gorgeous, more beautiful than NRP....but has had her health destroyed by powers beyond her control...is now unhealthy in pretty much every way.

NRP had extra time with us today, bc we were early and waiting for friend.  NRP decided to go into political misinformation discussion with DD18....DD more than capable of doing research on her own and handling it.

My friend hated NRP from start then wanted to shame and throw down over what she interpreted as bullying my DD going on.

I left them alone for one damn minute!

I'll tie it up with....
My friend yelled "She's a BITCH!" from the elevator towards NRP 5 feet away then I feared friend would run NRP over in parking lot as she stopped behind friend's car, running, reverse lights on, to notice she'd left her keys behind...rummaging slowly through her purse....it seemed like a taunt.

I want to say up front.... I'm going to finish my program then shift to retired chiro friend who has Standard Process account and training enough I can stay on the track IF DD18 has a good ED T in place.
 
NRP is pulling friend's dx and treatment plan together.  It's free, bc referrals policy, but holy cow.  I'm not sure if my heart can take it.... obviously super important information.

Very odd that my very left friend is poo pooing very Right NRT's woo woo medical practice while NRP poo poos friend's genealogy and astrology abilities.....
just....
::sigh::

I'm appalled grown ass people can't contain themselves in sacred professional settings.

DD18 was the only calm reasonable spirit in the office.  I apparently panicked.....ran around trying to appease NRP by cleaning all our glasses(1minute!) while the "adults in the room" let their inner children loose in the room.

Lighter

[lighter]

Gahhhh.... I just left everyone alone and took care of myself. 

The next day my friend texted.  I texted back short answers.  I didn't want to rehash or debate with her.

She had many questions, but I was still staying with a different friend and socializing.  Having liesurely brunch, catching up.

As I went out the door to end that trip, friend texted a more upbeat message so I went back into hosting friend's home and asked to paw through the bag of supplements they weren't using, but had purchased.  4 out if six were available from list of supps NRP had tested her for.  I took them, just in case, so friend could be tested with those particular supps, should she choose to go back. 

Do, I have extra supps, those 2 hosting friend's see NRP and have them....the first 3 appointments, the long ones, are free to my friend, bc DD and I receive 1 each to give to new patients as referrals AND the first phone appt is always free.

That's it.  It is what it is.

I don't go to NRP to discuss her world view.  In fact, all appts are packed full of activities involving my health, Dd18's health, food testing, testing organ and brain function and road bumps with cravings, recipes, boredom with food, etc.

I realized the last appt was too much dead space.  NRP isn't a nice person.  She's never really been nice to me BUT I needed her services during the custody trial.  She saw us on an emergency basis.  I had my nose on other pebbles and I'm used to fending for myself....ANY support is good support.  I don't require my hand be held by my attorneys, thank God, or every healthcare practitioner.

That said, I've stood on desks if incompetent pediatricians and refused to see them again.  The front desk people said MANY parents refused to see those pediatricians, but only after I'd identified the crazy and gone off on them.

My point is, I see the NRP bc I can't find anyone who can do what she does.  Nobody.

I weighed the pris and cons.  DD18 weighed them.

My very Republican host friends, and friend who referred ME to NRP weighed them.  Most people seek out THIS kind of practitioner when desperation has arrived.  We can't afford to be picky.  We take our health back....picture the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, but in kitten heels and female.  Both Eastern European.  Both zero nonsense, you get what you see and they are happy to tell you where the door is if you don't please them. 

I chose health.

So, I explain this to my upset friend who has calmed herself by the time I call her back after 4pm yesterday

I'm very calm as I explain NRP is a pebble at her foot.  Health, restored brain function, identifying priorities, causes and reversing the habits creating the problems are the trees, rocks and flowers in the field.  If she can get there, get her nose off the pebble, she's welcome to attend the hour long appointment where NRP explains her findings , treatment plan and likely length of treatment program, which is not forever.  Usually weekly appts for a while, then every 2 weeks then 3 then monthly and do on till you're touching base once a year to make sure you have yourself on track.  This isn't chiro.  This isn't symptom management with drugs creating more symptoms and drugs.

This is reducing inflammation in the body, the goods and unhealthy habits while moving through the die off of bad bacteria and viral challenges...detoxing the body and it's all tailored to your body on the day

It's amazing.

I just hit the point where I have a little inflammation around my middle.  Not a lot.  I recognize my body as mine again.  I knew it would happen.  My brain fog is better, as is my balance and digestion.

This last appointment my stomach was off, but everything else was on.  I eat by 6pm to get support digestion....I can do that.  DD said she can do that with me. DD asked me to help her stop eating sugar since she's finished granola bars she found in the house ...they threw everything out of whack for her.  We have to go back weekly, again, till DD gets through that.

This is prescriptive eating ...I like that word, Amber.  Prescriptive whole food supplements required for limited periods of time.  The more pristine we are, the quicker we move through the process.

This practitioner refused to see us when we couldn't get to her as often as she felt we needed to be seen in 2014?  After I was out of crisis.  Maybe 2013.....after the trial.  After the psych eval.  After I felt SO much better, lost 20lbs and folks..... it's inflammation that goes.

Fast.

The unpoisoning. 

The detoxing.

The replacement of non food with whole clean nutritiously dense real food, sans chemicals.  The removal of food, chemical, physical sensitivities we can control.

It's a choice and my friend decided she can get her nose off the pebble after all

Lighter







 

[Twoapenny]

Glad you were able to step back and let them all sort themselves out, Lighter.  I don't know why people do this so much now - social media, maybe?  Everyone thinks they need to be an activist of some kind?  I don't know.  I do feel like boundaries are blurred now - it used to be any kind of interaction with a professional would involve small talk at most, certainly not politics or anything like that.  it's very odd, I've seen it happening here as well.  I'm glad it all sorted itself out without too much more bother xx