Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

We had a girls sleepover the last 2 nights with one of oldest DD22's best friends... they've been friends since 4th grade.  Youngest DD21 had one of her buddy boy friend's over, but he had to leave.... was very sweet, even tho he wanted to stay.

DD21 went out with the chef/security guy with all the social connections then spent the night at another bouncer's place.  They plan to go to the guy's lake house over the weekend in SC and teach DD21 how to shoot handguns. 

DD22's friend stayed at the house with me all day and we shared her distress over not knowing what she's going to do with the rest of her life.... asked if that was normal.  We talked about what I leanred in T, went on a long walk in the woods and then she worked for a few hours and so did I..... my guests at the Cottage are arriving right now and I don't know if the caretaker will be there to greet them.  I hope he is, but we expected these guys at 2pm and their flight was delayed by hours.  Will see and hope and be ready to respond to whatever comes up.  There's still no water, besides a weak daytime trickle filling the toilet and wash hands. At night there's NOTHING.  Not a drop.

This is a father son looking to recreate a very rustic childhood experience on the island.... they felt the current situation would be exactly right for them, so will see.  I had them cancel their Airbnb reservation, gave them a big discount and they'll pay the housekeeper cash, so that's something.... and they can't leave a bad review.

Will hang out in the West part of town this weekend with friends..... trying to eat prescriptively... not easy to do when there's a donut place cooking fresh donuts to order... drat!   They do gf one day a week and I'm not telling how I know that. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed last night.

There was the usual bathroom anxiety and wait and that rolled into a meal, out, maybe in Paris, with 3 figures in black.  There was a man who jumped up,, paid the bill then ran away and I followed him, bc...... the other 2 were friends........and as I turned the corner into another restaurant I asked where the man ran....and I said.... "he's my husband" ......a waiter pointed behind the stairs. 

I walked to where he pointed and found another secret restaurant and the man in black, who I did not recognze as either of my husbands was there, smiling, happy I could see him busy at something good and clean and useful.

Dream flips into traffic scene and I'm rolling down a familiar downtown Ala road in the passenger seat of my late friend's Toyota truck.... and she's driving very agressively.  VERY.  A gold truck joins the crazy driving and now there are two of us driving like crazy and just when things are about to go head on driving into traffic.... we arrive at my friend's place and it's a dining room we walk into with the remnants of a party. She's very casual, picking up things and moving them and instructing me to take 3 of the leftover drinks and clean the glasses out.... we're going to eat together maybe or have a visit in this room and just as I'm rinsing the glasses out, a little heartbroken I wasn't invited to her party and wil never be invited again..... the Pug wakes me up and orders breakfast, which upset me, bc I really wanted to see my friend and talk to her.  I don't know who the third glass was for... not the man in black.  He didn' transfer into the dream with my friend.

I've felt a bit heartbroken the last hour, wondering when I'm going to take myself in hand and pull myself out of it... but just BEING in it for now.... missing her. I don't miss the man in black.

I want to say..... this friend was my roomate when my Bill died and we had a couple different eras during those years..... each was precious to me and I always saw the end of each eras coming.  I'd stand in my house and feel into the moments with sadness, bc I knew things would change and I'd miss the way the air felt and the way our lives were in those moments.... and I did mss them.

I'm not sure where the dream came from but I'm missing her and what was lost right now.  My brain is THERE.... still.... in the past and believes we were there.  Longs to return.  Is miffed at the Pug, still, for waking me up, lol. Lordy..... must get ready to go downtown in THIS town now. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Todaty was the day I sort of returned to mindful eating.....
picking up a piece of chicken and a handful of lettuce, cramming them into my mouth even though not hungry and getting the job done.

If i do that, with different ingredients..... good protein means unprocessed and as clean as I can afford it to be...... with mostly organic produce from Aldi's..... eating a lot, whether I want to or not..... that's what kick starts inflammation dropping from my body like alchemy.

It's a very weird thing to eat more more more and without missing meals in order to feel better and be healthier, but that's what wroks for me.

I'm still taking on a bit of dairy and fruits, which is sugar.  If I make the next leap into eating pristine, I'll drop all dairy and every single bit of sugar with requires giving up all fruit and carefully reading every lable...... only one carb a week allowed with ONE meal, which.  I haven't had a carb all week and not really craving them right now. 

Man oh man.... when first giving carbs up tho......the cravings and habit to think and eat about them is HUGE.

I think adding one a week actually helps, so I'll begin planning that one special carb a week.  I couldn't do that when i wanted them all the time time time time!

Back to forcing more food than I want and not being hungry/craving anything.  If I get hungry, I know I didn't eat enough protein and eat more.   

Lighter

[lighter]

My oldest DD is sick now..... youngest just got over whatever it was..... bad headache, SORE arse sore throat and some lovely yellow mucus in the lungs.  I know DD21 was at a Shrek Rave last night dressed as the Three Blind Mice with 2 of her buddies. 

I'm dealing with whatever the crud is too and wearing mask in the house and vehicle with contractor.

Contractor doesn't really believe in masks and thinks I'm crazy, but he likes me.; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hope tests are negative and kids feel better fast.

Hang in there, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh, Advil Cold and Sinus have me up and running at 100% capacity..... we got tons done this weekend AND I found an almost 9 foot tall x almost 6' wide faux carved stone mirror, beveled, at Goodwill... dropped off by a showroom in Atlanta.... it's brand new but looks 100 years old.  I have 2 places it will work at the lake.  Just have to figure out how to GET it TO the lake.  Can borrow one of DD21's strong friends...... will figure it out.

This morning I was buzzing around, trying to get bcck home and pick up sister at the airport when I detected the scent of my father.  This was the 4th or 5th time that happened and I actually changed my shirt twice thinking it was that, but it wasn't.

This morning I smelled him at the washing machine first, then at the fireplace, where he sat for 20 years and then outside, which is the really weird part.  Frankly, I questioned the possibility of it being a stroke.

Anyhoo..... I took that as a sign he wanted my attention, so we had a little chat...... I thanked him for raising me, told him I was OK, sibs and grands are OK.... he can consider his business here finished and move on.... if he'd like.  If not, that's cool too. 

I had the feeling he's quite happy being at the lake house.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[lighter]

One of the girls' buddies from school is staying with us till his apartment comes available, which lnes up TO THE DAY with our travel dates.  Pug loves him and he gives her long walks and lots of cuddles, so I'm glad not to have to worry about strangers caring for her.

The guy just set up a copy machine and will travel with us to the lake..... I hope the three of us can move that mirror with the carts and dollys we have.  I think we can.

I'll likely set him up to work with the contractor over the September dates, bc I'll still be away.  I think that'll keep things moving along.  I was worried a fraction would get done with no one handing up tools and running to fetch and carry.

What else..... we're gearing up for Halloween, which is big in this house as you guys know.  I have a firepit of burning bones on my to do list.... the lights have been ordered and the rusted out firepit is sitting there, beckoning.  I have lots of bones already and spray foam.... black paint.  Maybe even the red paint. 

Will construct some very tall clown monsters.... free standing or hanging..... at least one that lunges.  Looking forward to that and this boy loves Halloween, so he can join in too if he likes. 

The neighborhood made their preferences known..... they want a terrifying house to scare them silly and we're happy to be that house for them; )

I made a list of things for the Contractor to knock out while I'm away... will have materials and tools laid out.  Food in the freezer for them. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I like the sound of that young man.
A smitten pug and satisfaction in helpful work...bode well!

I'd have an angina attack at your house on Hallowe'en but know it'll be FUN!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

We were supposed to leave today at 6pm, but that didn't happen.  I have one last coat of orange tinted poly to apply to my kitchen crown moulding, so contractor can put it up while I'm gone.  It looks astonishingly good, considreing it's pine and the cabinets are oak.  Thank God color theory comes easy to me.

We got SO MUCH DONE, btw.  The boy trained with his sf as an electrician and he'll likely change the kitchen lights out... would be very helpful.  He put together an eletric fireplace, moved some heavy things and painted the deck on the coolest day with my sister.

My brother just ran in,mowed and ran out.

The house is looking really good..... maybe even a little tiny bit maganine worthy in a couple a spots, Hops, lol.  I think knocking ALLL the zombie off has finally happened.

Lots more to tell,but this is the wrong thread for it; )
Lighter

[lighter]

I've been relatively free from worry worry worry mindsets, I've noticed. 

I'm putting that down and noticing the relief.  Noticing the alternatives available more and more often... if I do what I can. put the story ont he shelf and resist worrying into the future or needing the past to be different.

 It happens more and more, as I build the habits.

 It's feeling like I gutted my way up a hill..... a really painful hill I absolutely didn't want to climb or face or investigate and that doesn't make noticing what's really there any easier, IME. 

 I feel I have the choice to coast downhill, faster and faster, if I choose it.

Sometimes I choose not to coast or ride downhill, emotionally.  Sometimes I just have the reaction.... choose it.... but limit it.  Knowing it's not what I want to cultivate.  Understanding it's like a little dog rolling around in it's muck. I have it and that's OK too.  I have it, then go back to coasting... being responsive..... restoring choice in my life.

And it feels....
at the risk of jinxing it.....
it feels amazing.  It feels  like happiness and luck and restored joy....
 on a pretty consistent basis.

 I don't have to question it, which I used to do... I don't question it anymore, in fact.  It's real and I believe it and stars are aligning.  The old problems and people aren't pressing in any longer, so close.... in my face.... with me, like nothing changed.  There's spaciousness.... so much space between them and where I'm at now.  I guess, maybe, I've simply let them go.  Holding on meant I didn't have to accept what happened..... the part of me requiring things be different actually wanted a redo, I think.  It wasn't doing me any good at all.... or my kids.  Accepting it and letting it be what it was... what it is... will always be..... doesn't mean I'm OK with it.  It means I choose to leave it behind and stop thinking about how unfair it is or how wrong...... it simply is what it is and I gain nothing from arguing over the color of the sky.  It is what it is and making peace with that is....
accepting the price of resisting acceptance is too steep for me...not that I understand the cost to being present and living in the moment with my girls and family and friends.... and myself.

Problems and upsets..... what felt like wrong turns or mistakes..... I trust they'll lead me to what come next, IME.... lead to solutions and the chance to choose joy, again and again.  Even if it's not OK.... it's OK. 

It's not muscle memory... yet, but it's consistent enough.
What it's not.....
is emotional survival, that's for certain.

The dread is gone.  The worry is absent and I can see it, but it's not on top of me or inside my head anymore.  It's over there..... at a distance. 

Ya.  That.

[Twoapenny]

That's amazing, Lighter   Aw it's so nice to just do normal - yes stuff gets stressful and messy, I don't think anyone can avoid that, but having responses to it that are responses to that one situation and not dozens of things from the past - you really are getting Lighter all the time!  Lol xx

[lighter]

There will always be COWs....
Crisis Of The Week..... but you're right.

 Responsiveness vs Reactivity to things no longer happening to us....
is everything, IME.

It's a sort of escape, really.  Escaping the traumas of the past.... my martial arts instructor used to say....
"Suffer once."  THIS is what he was talking about.  Just this very thing. 

Escape  fearing into the future because there's zero payoff, it doesn't change the outcome and takes up space where other things, like joy, could live, IME.

I look back and I think.....
how dare you?! but it's not the bad actors or the systems or the luck I'm talking to.

I'm talking tio the familiar  trance of reactivity and it's lazy existence in my life.... wihtout question.  Without a fight, it lived with me, directed and decided how little joy and rest I could have.

And when I think of it now....
it's over there. 

Lighter

[lighter]

September update:

Youngest DD21 and I traveled to Canada for a wedding.

We didn't realize we were Covid Positive.... at least we traveled with masks on.  The morning after we arrived, DD tested positive and I tested positive 2 days later.... DD did not.  We're not suffering.  The symptoms weren't anything more than a cough for me and general lethargy for DD with swollen glands.  Thought she was still getting over a non Covid illness, frankly.

Today I have some aches in places I remember banging hard on trailer hitches and feet, hips, but cough is getting better.

We didn't attend the wedding bc DD woke up sans taste and smell the  morning of.  We're in quarantine for the duration of our Canadian visit, which happens to be enjoying fall weather with a fire pit on a beautiful park... backyard has fancy pavers and a little she shed with wifi..... it's the best case scenario in an unfortunate situation.

Here's the thing..... and I only suspect this to be true.....
once we arrived and ate a few VERY LARGE MEALS of sweets, pastas and breads....much meat and cheese...... our stomachs went down to almost flat.

This leads me to believe the "healthy" foods we're eating in the States are more poison than food.  I mean.... it happened for my sister, DD and self..... like fricking magic. 

I think part of it's the water.  Part the quality of food and what they won't allow INTO it.  Any thoughts?

I'm working on several projects with Escape To The Chateau in the background,which is SO enjoyable while planning for the Lake Lodge.  So many ideas.  Can't wait to decorate and photograph for Christmas with fireplaces lit and many little pine trees scattered about..... lots of fresh pine smells.

I'll post more about that on the lake thread.

The boy staying with us right now is caring for the Pug, even though his apartment came available on the 6th, he's still at the house as a favor.  It's sad to watch him shrink away from kindness and any attention at all.... so sure is he of his unlovable status and unworthiness, generally, on the planet.  That kind of programming runs EVERYTHING in a Nervous System.... and it's not controllable, IME.  It has to be crept up on, snuck up on, worked around and unhooked. He's better when he's not directly in our view or line of attention.  Evreyone validating him in their own way.  Sometimes he joins us when we're laughing and hanging out.... and he IS FUNNY and nornal and completely appropriate if left to himself and join in his own time. 

Honestly..... up to that point, I'd experienced him as a 7yo child........ which is the age his abusive SF came into his life. 

I'm feeling level and present...... a little guilty about the Covid, but my intentions were good and I forgive myself.

I hang out with my BIL, as usual, his sidekick cleaning out their garage, gathering kindling in the part, and finishing small projects around the yard.  We get along so well..... this is the first time I seriously consider moving to Canada.... my God..... we pay so much more for food in the States and it's insult to injury...... something in my stomach is clicking...... I don';t know how I can stand it when I go back home.

DD21 wants to raise chickens with me.  We've scouted out the area under the porch for their house, but that's not  for certain going to happen, though we could control the quality.

Will update other threads now: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
So admire your phrase "the trance of reactivity" and insights about how it once dominated your life. That's hugely reflective and mature, imo. And how many leagues you have grown since! Mega kudos.

I'm very sorry you and DD got bitten by the virus. It's hard to face that it's still here and a new contragious variant is rising, hence the whole suite of precautions decisions demanding awareness after a time when people got to savor a break.  But it is NO reason for guilt, only learning -- both the lax and the compulsively prepared can get it, and the good news is that you're both doing okay. It's asking a lot for everyone to be perfectly vigilant at all times -- hello, imperfection. (We all live there.)

Your quarantine locale sounds pretty heavenly, glad you wound up installed there!

I have no thoughts about interesting flat stomachs after unhealthy fare, but maybe think changing countries because one anecdote triggers, errrr, reactivity...is worth a ponder? Or a self-affectionate chuckle?

As non-scientific evidence based on one anecdote from a one-person population with no control group or peer review, I indulged in some sorta healthy but still carb-laden food in quantity (can I say binge?) a couple weeks ago for two days and my stomach did not flatten. Quite the contrary. Oof. Since then I've eaten less, lost a few pounds, got back on the kefir, greens and berries smoothies and felt the positive impact immediately.

Enjoy and nourish, with a relaxed mind...I'm noticing how much better it feels when I let go of anxiety around food. BTW, strangely, I blundered into an interview on a podcast called The Happy Place that was SO insightful about anxiety. I felt like he was talking about my experience in many ways, and it was so illuminating and helpful I was blown away. The guest was, believe it or not, Adam Lambert.

Do you be----leeeve in life after love? (Check out the Kennedy Center video of his performance...brought that whole DC-stuffed-shirt audience to their feet.)

Hugs and hopes for fast and full recovery,
Hops

[lighter]

DD and I feel better... she's back home and testing N for many days.  I tested N 2 days ago. Thanks for the hugs.

 Yesterday,  we yanked out the non functioning stove vent and replaced it.... BIL was lucky to find an exact model at the same Asian store where he  bought the last one 10 years ago. No name brand.   We were roasting brussel sprouts, onions and potatoes by 6:30 pm...... grilling 3 different proteins by 7.   Lots of degreasing and looking for the right screws and washers..... between the 3 of us, we got it done, but it was a challenge.

About the food...... there's a difference... has to be.  I wouldn't be in these jeans at home if eating the same things.  No way.  I don't know what I'm going to do about that.  Buckle down and source local farmers.... I have a file on that.  We have lots of farmer's markets too. 

Grocery stores back home stock food-like items.... but not actual food, as far as I'm concerned.  That makes food problematic.  Again.  I've been very relaxed around food and what I eat over the last week and I'm going to really miss that.  Just saying.... I am.

I'm all for finding our Happy Places, Hops.  Will look up the Podcast: )

Lighter