We have a functional med chiropractor nearby. Wish I knew about him years ago.
DD22 saw him Thursday.
This is going to be a bit of a long post, FYI.
And I knew DD wouldn't be happy, considering her history with ED and the fact I've been shoving supplements and healthier foods down her throat since she was in grade school. There's food trauma, for us both, yikes.
Made me sad to read that.
The one silver lining is ......DD said she wanted to go AND she's been on board with making food choices and eating more consistently....suggesting meals and helping in the kitchen happily. Don't get me wrong.....she voices her anxiety too. Whew, it's a roller coaster, but an ok coaster.
The Functional Medicine Guy (FMG) rattled off POTS, gallbladder and a connective tissue disorder DD has been researching and bringing up with Western health practitioners for years, always dismissed.
FMG ticked them off 1, 2, 3, without DD bringing them up, then ordered a blood panel, which was my goal, and a relief.
He practices visceral manipulation also.....is very pleased with outcomes and efficacy. That's a new one for me.
My retired needy guy chiropractor friend knows who FMG is, and said he's a "solid practitioner."
I know FMG likes DD......is pulled to be helpful, but also rather tickled, I'd say, to interact with her. A good sense of humor ranks high on DD's list for everyone, but she remains undecided about him. Will know more when blood tests come back.
Feeling like I'm floating in calm, briny waters lately, as a way of being. No vertigo lately, no feeling of popping up from levels, getting my collar bones sat on the ledge, then ribcage hauled up over, scraping as I go, etc.
I will admit, the food changes.....idea of being pristine with it, again, felt a little like leaning over the cliff, if I'm honest.
Otherwise.....
There's an ease to being, that's noticable.....partly......my guard's at ease. I haven't turned a corner with my fists up in a long while. Typically, I note what's in my hands and pockets (pretty regularly), out of habit, and know what keeps me safe, if needed, but nothing in my chemistry changes,which is fantastic. This adjustment, to being, wasn't an easy or quick one. Society more comfortable with naked female torsos in wooded areas than with...... whatever I've become, and I'm cool with it. Very aware, of living life, for something other than the male gaze, and that's still not clear......
noticing resentment rise up as I contemplate addressing my own gaze.... and how it attracts unwanted male attention from the first halfers, having little to no self control, with selfish nurturing baby needs leading.....but also noticing the absence of rage at their chaos inducing entitlement to blow my world apart if displeased or thwarted. All about how they feel ....what I feel and want are towers to be dismantled, for them, ime.
So......
🤢
Tuesday T appointment addressing misogyny....will make notes.
More ease, bc acceptance....less need to change what is.....while refusing to engage with it. There's space between what is, I know .....where decent Second halfers exist.
The less pushy, entitled halfers.
My empathy draws the first halfers like moths. Interesting to contemplate NOT allowing it to be weaponized against me, which has been a confusing ride.
Interesting to understand what that is, and bounce over it.....no bones striking edges, yup yup yup.
DD22 somehow has many of my past traits with men.... and it's socialization, mostly, but also.....other things. That darned compassion......the first halfers, drawn to her too. It's been modeled for her too.
I've said "What we say NO to, is more important than what we say YES to," bc being picked off a tree, like fruit for the taking by entitled infantile men... is familiar, rather than having time, space and breath for choosing something else.
The vertigo makes more sense, now.
It's generational. It's socialization and conditioning.....messaging and pits women against each other, sadly. I wish that wasn't so.
I just chatted with Needy Friend and he tried to bullshit me with "I never abandoned you! Would never have!" We were discussing a grudge he's holding against a mutual friend.
I knew he was referring to 2 past boundaries I set with him ......I refused to discuss his affair with a married woman, and was not willing to listen to him go on and on about petty arguments neeeeeeeding his SOs to agree with him over so
many
petty
things. He turned his back on me, for years, bc I set boundaries, is the truth....and he assumed a victim posture, bc women are supposed to be compassionate beings, greasing social wheels at their own expense, coddling men, while pretending men aren't doing what they accuse women of BEING.
It seems so obvious now.😳
I thought it was just me, but it's half of men and many many many women pretend dancing these toxic steps..... familiar and dangerous to stop dancing, ime.
And needy guy laughed and giggled about my being right.....and calling him on his bullshit. Almost tickled, with it, he was. I'm going to expect an apology , I realize. Another refusal to accept the status quo.
Felt like clearing a game level in a dream.....and I told him to forgive a mutual friend and to call her in that conversation. He sees it.....he does what he was angry at her about .....and he found it funny, again. Bloody hell.
Women do it, it's grounds for scorched earth. Man does it, he goes all giggly Urkle, "did I do that?"
Ya..... the double standards were muffled, by conditioning, gaslighting and finger pointing, from birth to this very moment in time......they were certainly modeled in my family. Instructed....man most important thing....you and children come next, if at all. Mere appendages and status symbols to be paraded out and displayed....my mother considered herself an equal, but always believed children were secondary. The man, the marriage....was always primary and for hrr benefit.....good for her, but ....the kiddos.
Important things .... Status. Let the big dogs run. Even if he's mostly destructive and the creator of chaos in the family. As long as he's measured by earning power, control over his family....... he's pretty standard stuff.....a "high value male."
We're using very sad measuring sticks. Makes me weak and nauseous to contemplate that naked truth.
I put down another friendship......maybe 4 months ago, and realize.....I might not pick it back up .....maybe the longest friendship of my life. Just .....stopped, sans decision to do so. I think about it every once in a while, and don't miss it. That might change. Might not.
Swimming into clearer, cleaner waters ...and deciding it's better. We might still give each other a kidney, but....... right now there's nothing else, for my part. He reached out once and is very good at reading a room.
DD24 still happy in her relationship with bf. Seems very well matched .....beat their math, gamer brains, with my witchy ways, in Mahjong Thursday night, and they were super graceful, for such competitive beings. Stayed till after midnight, relaxed and smiling......chatting about music and Drake and kidney stones.....tonsils....step.....ear aches. Pets. Baby girl pug's freshly cleaned chubby rolls.
DD22 choosing not to date...... we're talking about the first halfers and second halfers....noticing together.
The journey continues.
Lighter
