Farm Doin's - 2020

[Twoapenny]

I hope Hol emerges relatively unscathed from her time away, Skep.  I think that feeling powerless as a mum is very powerful and can bring up all sorts of reactions linked to past events.  I'd imagine sitting in court and knowing there's nothing you can do might evoke that.  I'm glad at least it's done and hopefully things will settle better once she's home again.

I am laughing at Buck's beard and about the stories I hear about people offering to buy food and drink for people they think are homeless, but who are actually just a bit hairy   Lol, there was one here recently about a lovely lady who stepped in to pay for a man's food because she thought he was homeless - he was actually a very hungover builder who'd stopped for emergency junk food on the way to work.  All his mates were in the van laughing themselves silly   I like stories like that xx

[sKePTiKal]

I'm kinda feeling like there is a big storm approaching on my horizon. From some direction. that hasn't made itself known just yet.

Up way before the dawn, because this is visiting day; about halfway through Hol's sentence... and John and I are going to visit. Once again, the BF "conveniently" has work scheduled so as to not be there for her. He has consistently let her down throughout this whole self-created ordeal of hers... and why was she drinking that night to blow off steam? Frustration about BF.

She is seriously co-dependent here; and ENABLING him to take advantage of her.

Now, going to go read more on CB's thoughts. (Good timing for that thread.)

[Hopalong]

((((((((Amber)))))).

I can't imagine what it's like to deal with a kid who's locked up; to visit and feel the shock of the environment, her loss of freedom. How is she taking it? Are the conditions okay?

I can imagine how stressful it is to see her making poor choices, whether with alcohol or BF, and not want desperately to undo them. That one, I know too well.

I hope her time back at work and away from the mountain brings a change that is good for you both--and mostly, for you and the chance to build your relationship with Buck.

But I am concerned he won't be able to be your Outlander man now, with just scruff. The show just popped up on HULU and I'm wondering if I dare get hooked?

When does Buck arrive? I hope it is just a wonderful, deepening, happy and peaceful time together. You two have gone through a LOT to get together.

big hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

Maybe something is brewing.  Trust your instinct, but beware old patterns.  Sometimes the other shoe isn't going to fall, though we're expecting it to.

Hopefully Hol has what she needs.... and if she doesn't...it's only 10 days of institutionally inflicted lack of sleep/privacy/nutritional food.

She'll likely be living in her amygdala when she gets out.  I hope she finds a way to calm her nervous system so it doesn't get stuck and more difficult to shift.

And when is Master Buck scheduled to arrive?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Actually, a lot of the pinched stress lines in her face are gone. Because she has nothing to do but think about what has transpired up till now - AND the examples he is showing her, about who he is - for her. And who he's NOT.

I find myself infuriated FOR her; on her behalf a lot. I'm gonna stop that. She's the one that needs to be angry; not me. I am frustrated by her continually excusing the behavior based on extremely limited information from him. He is simply NOT THERE for her and I woulda thrown this one back some time ago.

She is also way too passive about all this - and yet it still erupts in projection onto others; primarily John & me... because we're "safe". We ain't goin' anywhere; won't abandon her. But I think we're not going to put up with that anymore.

So: as far as what I "can do"; is simply encourage her to seek therapy - in a couple of weeks. (She already turned down the job; because BF "needs her". I can point out when she's engaging in "needing to be needed" and enabling the behavior that's a problem. I can encourage to actively pursue her own friends and life activities.

He is not going to change; it's too easy for him - with all the enabling and her caretaking and "gatekeeping" anyone else from confronting him. Until she deals with it.

Buck is getting jerked around by the hospital again. And he simply will NOT expose me to his infection. I asked him point blank if this would interrupt or delay our plans. And he disappointed me. By trying to keep me safe from what he's dealing with. SIGH. But, he will be here as soon as he can.

Amber is kinda going to a whole new place. She probably won't be described as "nice" by too many people. LOL. Fortunately, Buck respects that. He told me this week (while I was trying to settle an oncoming panic attack) that I was stronger than anyone he's met before. That wasn't military. LOL....  it helped, in a strange way, coz I realized the panic was because I was trying to take care of everyone else around me - and not taking care of myself. Desperately needing someone to focus on ME, you know? But I can do that.

I think I understand the origin of Hol's codependence. But my lips are sealed for now - unless she brings it up and asks. I think she & I have talked about it previously. But she needs a good, compatible T, to walk her into a new path. I'm not sure what worked for me - will help her. And I don't know what else to suggest. We have some important differences, despite the things we have in common. All that has to wait till she regains her feet and finds out what ELSE might be a consequence of this DUI. John has committed to staying a few days after she's back - but then - he's making other plans so she has more space to step into her life and start working it. He and I have talked about that, and I think it's for the best - for everyone, including him.

It has been a tremendous help to have another mind around here to bounce things off of - for ME. John's been very helpful in many ways. Yeah, there were some boundary issues - and we could talk about them and sort them out comfortably. That's a breath of fresh air around here. And helped me out of the confusing clouds of phog and gaslighting... and find my own place to stand, and step up from.

Wasn't what he had in mind - but it's still helping. LOL. I'll be trying to help him along on his way to the next phase, out of gratitude. (He has had a good effect on Hol, too - but that was an ugly confrontation that I wasn't involved in.)

[lighter]

Amber:

I'm confused about Hol giving up the job, Buck putting off the visit and John, in general.... I missed anything about a blow up with Hol. 

It's concerning.  You've been concerned.  Seems reasonable to me. 

Hol's bf's not being there for Hol..... Holy Cow.  Esp as she's trying to get pregnant with his baby.  Maybe Hol will feel this lack of support and project herself into the future, raising a child, with someone who doesn't show up.  Why doesn't she feel she deserves better, Amber?  Why is she working so hard to make her relationship into something it's not?  So much denial, and defensiveness and picking up slack for someone who seems unable to connect or carry his share. 

I'd be fighting anxiety back too, Amber.  Good on you for recognizing lack of self care and worry about other people's stuff needed attention and correction.

::sending Buck healing light and faith you can take care of yourself in this::.

Lighter

   

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - I'm gonna admit I'm kinda confused too. Especially the Holly situation. I HOPED we had talked things out; she had gone away to ponder and show the kind of solid good judgement she's known for...

it IS possible that the 9 yrs in an abusive relationship has impacted her self-worth more than I realized (or she would admit). But all I can do is gently make note of the possibility - and then turn over "doing something about it" to HER. But there are multiple things to worry about. She would've been working with a lot of friends she's known awhile on this production... and instead chose more isolation here. (Which is totally out of character for her; I'm the hermit - she's more a social butterfly.)

Buck will know Monday; or at least know MORE about when he'll be able to come up. They'll probably do another blood test to ascertain infection level. He is feeling better; the meingitis has cleared; he hasn't "crashed" in the afternoon/evening with a fever for a week.

Tonight's another Outlander episode... and Monday I have plumbers and contractors again, before they move on to other jobs (Hut's plumbing/electrical is just waiting on some solar parts). I am very very very tired. So, shrinking down into my space for a bit.

[sKePTiKal]

More hospital organizational confusion for Buck. More poor communication. Within this cobbled together system with the VA... one of his docs was supposed to be the "primary". There are 3 depts he's been a patient of: the neurosurgeon, Pain Management, and Infectious Disease. The surgeon WAS his primary and last week, released him. Neither of the other two will claim him...

and now the hospital's NEW procedure (unannounced change) is that only the primary doc can prescribe Rx - including painkillers.

Buck hasn't been taking ANY beside over the counter NSAIDS; and his BP shot up dangerously high -- due to pain. His cardiologist is apparently in another system. And he will prescribe enough to keep B's BP somewhat closer to normal. It's been some years ago now, that he had to have stents. And he's learning to drop it with intentional relaxation.

Buck doesn't want to have a thing more to do with that hospital anymore. They won't treat the infection, the recurring meningitis except to exacerbate it or do a thing for his chronic pain. He'll wait till he comes here - after his training this summer - and find new docs.

But the new wrinkle is that he is a 3rd tier contact for Coronavirus (and he's stocking limes for it - LOL). His D is going to prom with 3 other girls... and the poor man has been taking the group shopping. Last weekend was shoes. One of the girls in the group has a relative that had contact with someone who contracted the virus on the other side of the country. Despite age & previous health conditions... there is a good probability that he will NOT come down with it. STILL...

the man is a magnet for stuff happening to him. He must've been very bad in a past life to have karma like this. LOL.

I've had an extremely taxing week - emotionally. My friend Debbie is here for the weekend. And I'm really really hoping the contractors don't show up today... I want to have a slow morning or 3 and let my OWN tension and BP and anxiety go and relax too.

[Hopalong]

I cannot fathom how profound your and Buck's frustration is over his inadequate treatment, Amber. It is excruciating to even read about, and knowing you love the man....words fail.

I am so very sorry.
This is taxing you at the deepest levels.
Much less poor Buck. Dammit.

So glad you have a friend's company right now.
I hope you soak in the support and care.

You deserve it. Lots more of it. Lots more often.

(((((((((Amber))))))))))

Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

Sometimes I think I'm reading old posts, bc there are so many medical snafoos in your postings. 

I'm shocked B is so robust and active with everything going on.  I'm afraid he's going to go and go until he's worn himself beyond repair, bc he's so tough but I really don't know.

Those patients who wail and carry on dramatically might get more attention, IMO.  Maybe those hiring attorney advocates?  Not sure about that, but I'm shocked more doctors don't end up threatened into right actions by super deserving vets who know they're being harmed and shafted by the system AND the docs in particular.   

I don't know.  I do understand the frustration, justice denied in abusive systems and feeling at the mercy of.

Rest.  It's snowing here... high winds...  feels brrrr freezing cold right now, but in 40s.  How is weather for you?

Stay warm and enjoy visit with friend.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amber, this is a reply to your latest post on CB's Thoughts thread about men and women and power, since I thought I was helping hijack that one off topic....just being anal. Librarian gene. And, maybe all this stuff about me is likely a hijack too!
Last para below is my actual answer to your question.
----------------
NOPE.

I remember when my D was grinding at me, crunching me like an old soup bone, the hardest...she kind of peaked in her desperation to control when she told me I wasn't allowed to think about certain things. Or want something. Or remember something. She didn't realize what she was expressing but it was about control. She was actually beginning to become emotionally abusive then, and it went downhill from there.

At one point when I mentioned an insightful bit of wisdom about our struggle I'd gotten from a minister, she railed that I was not allowed to mention her name, ever, anywhere, with anyone. I know she was battling for control as her own world was melting down. And fighting a feeling of shame as her mental illness escalated. But I told her in that moment that she could not set restrictions on my freedom to speak, about whatever I needed to. I know that was very hard for her. It was hard for me too, that there were privacy issues to negotiate. I wanted to create a safe space for her, but not one in which she could continue to focus pure hatred and rage on me. The bald truth was, if I couldn't carry my heartbreak to a few trusted friends (including here), not to mention a T, I wouldn't have survived. She was in a way trying to isolate me then.

When someone tries to control how you process or share or articulate...or demands you share what they want you to at their command, I believe then boundaries are pudding and, having lost their own self of self, they're trying to absorb yours to gain strength. (A theory out of the blue, but I'm owning it.) It's unconscious I think, and not always malicious. But it
Sure
Ain't
Healthy.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, (((((Amber)))).

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

PUDDING, those boundaries are. Yes indeed.

In this case, the difference is that her need to control isn't about me - she's "rehearsing" in a way - for the person she NEEDS to talk to directly, get answers from that help her relax and feel secure enough that the relationship won't end as a result.

I have made tangible, visible steps that she asked me to take - in the interest of lowering the tension levels around here. And over the years, I've made significant progress being able to share my space. With lots of different kinds of people, in fact. (That progress is dismissed, when we're locked into one of her analysis trips.)

I have zippo expectation or realistic hope that I can teach her SO, by example. So my focus is on her. If she sees me not resorting to co-dependent strategies, perhaps the lightbulb will come on. That does presuppose she can accurately separate what she FEELS she's doing, versus how that is manifested in the caretaking she indulges in without discernment. There are other parts to this story I haven't shared... mostly because we are making some progress there and I'm gently nudging that progress on. And again trying to model the behaviors that will help her in the long run.

Under all the external stuff - is the horrible self-shaming fear she has that she won't be able to have a child. I'm pretty sure she has some work to do, before becoming a mom. This is one reason the transgressions of SO are so overlooked and excused by her. LOL... but I'm still trusting that things are going to work out, in the actual nitty-gritty of hard work, and 3rd party (ie, not ME) therapy. Obviously, every single time we go through a repeat of this behavior... I back off some more, and point out who owns what - who's responsible for what - and we take care of our own stuff. I don't get to tell her who to choose for SO. At all. Any way shape or form. Not my business.

That is the only way to manage this kind of shared living space, that I can see being useful after the ground rules of communication & cooperation and basic values are shared in common.

It will help a LOT if she can learn to mind her business, and not mine. I said it to her a little differently. Think I said, we each need to mind our own business - and NOT each other's. Sounds like planting a flag on a boundary to me.

LOL.

Mind you - this is a NOT constant reality between us. It only erupts under very specific circumstances, and knowing what I know now about that... I can be responsible for not letting ALL those circumstances come together into the "perfect storm". It is decidedly NOT useful to either of us.

[sKePTiKal]

So... because of this virus going around, the hospital has pushed back Buck's next appt - for the infection. His cardiologist is attempting to get both Infectious Disease and Pain Management to do their jobs for him - because it's the infection & pain pushing his BP up. (Oddly, it comes under control - to normal - with physical activity and mental relaxation IF he can work at that.)

Which means our week together is getting delayed - AGAIN - by forces outside his control. But by June - it will have been a whole year since he was here last. And he needs to be cleared medically, to do this training for the Navy over the summer. So it's looking more likely I won't see him, till after his D goes to college.

I have some pretty big sad feelings about this. Not blaming him; just disappointed. I told him; he took it pretty well - all things considered.

I really don't like going through getting my hopes up & then disappointed again. Thinking I might step back a little and shift where I'm looking at things from.

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Skep.  Can you not go up to him?  Or is that not an option with all the health issues and so on? xx

[sKePTiKal]

It's not an option, for other reasons, dear.