Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

Hugs, Hops... I'm in a good mood these days. But today was special - just settin' & bein" & waiting to hear from him. In his time.

[lighter]

Amber:

I love the way you're focusing on your bliss.  Allowing Hol to keep ownership of her stuff....  is the way it should be. 

I'm sorry her she has a worry, worry, in your face, hand wringing style of intimacy.  All you can do is model something better, and share information when she's open to it.  It seems that's what you've been doing, so..... onward and upward!

I'm so excited for you!!!!!

Lighter 

[sKePTiKal]

Finally got dates for Buck's visit - 6/11 to 6/16.
R E L I E F

Yeah, it's a little further away than I wanted. (Like from March) But I no longer have the worry that it wasn't important enough for him to nail down dates. And chances are good that Hol & Steve will be moving into the Hut then. Hol and I have both been bundles of anxiety today. For totally different reasons - just shared the energy quality & level between us.

[Hopalong]

YAY! So happy Amber!

If Hol and Steve can't go sleep on camping mats in a roofed and floored and plumbed hut so YOU and B can have your whole damn house to your sweet selves, let me know.

I'll send them a gift certificate to a nearby B & B.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOL. We hope it's plumbed by then. But they are campers.

[lighter]

 Camping....
Staying at the BF's farm.

You should have your house all to yourself when B arrives, Amber.

I cant wipe the smile off my face thinking about B's arrival! 

Dance lessons!!!!!!!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

What I'm feeling is.... unusual for me.

The kids will surely accomodate; Steve has his own issues with us all living together & privacy. Told Hol I understood & sympathized completely with that. Hence, the Hut solution. They're both sensitive to our need - B's & mine - to just be us and try this on for size in more ways than one. Mom went out of her way, many times & ways, to give them that kind of space, too.

I actually feel... calm. Surrounded by a gentle, restful peace. Normally, I'd be in overdrive and trying to get everything done all at once. But not now. It's as if in some emotional logic sort of way... I'm feeling the reverse of the process of grieving and letting go I experienced these years after Mike passing.

I can observe it without feeling it; feel it without thinking about it in my usual anxious, analytical way.

Different. For me.

I don't have to do the heavy-lifting to make this relationship a "thing". It just is - because B is right there for me; all the time. Even if we're just blowing tele-kisses to each other because we happened to be daydreaming & thinking of each other. He's very much more romantic than Mike was - even at the beginning of the relationship. Mike was more obsessive than romantic. I'm sure B's got some insecurities, but whatever they are - he seems to manage them better than a lot of people do (looking at myself here, primarily). And I don't get away with making a joke or role-playing any kind of submissive 2nd fiddle crap with him; he's quick to come back with - we're EQUALS in this; you make your own decisions.

There is some division of labor being self-selected though. What I do with the house - when I ask for input from him, it's given - with the caveat that ultimately it's my decision. Everything mechanical is his speciality. And there are projects we're already planning to do together. He's looking forward to having his hands in the dirt too. And there are things we're planning to teach each other... He cooks & rather well.

I don't scare him one single bit. LOL. And he sure can't be intimidated by many people, much less me. His aesthetic, creative abilities, design sense is nice and strong too. He makes lots of things because he can't stand not being productive - perhaps that's one of his weaknesses. But I know he CAN just sit patiently for hours and watch the light, the wind in the trees, the stars.

This is way more like gravitational pull than whirlwind. I'm liking it so far. 

[sKePTiKal]

Now, today - I feel like I'm bundled in cotton fluff... unable to move at normal speed and not really motivated to either. Just wanting to give in to fluff... slip into the twilight zone...

but there ARE things to do. And the kids have been running errands and picking up things while I'm in this state of suspended animation. It's definitely NOT sensory deprivation however.  Lots & lots & lots of information and observations moving through the head and body. When the kids do things for me, I feel kinda deprived of the pressure to get up and do them myself. I kinda need that momentum. But they're trying to make more distance between me and the virus... and I appreciate that.

I'm going to try to finish up the last bit of legal work to insure Hol's future today; pay bills. Maybe visit the grocery store. Just for a change of scenery.

I started watching Downton Abbey... it's restful in strange ways. To watch. Clearly, it wasn't that peaceful to live in those times. As if it is - any time.

[Hopalong]

I actually feel... calm. Surrounded by a gentle, restful peace. Normally, I'd be in overdrive and trying to get everything done all at once. But not now. It's as if in some emotional logic sort of way... I'm feeling the reverse of the process of grieving and letting go I experienced these years after Mike passing.

This was just beautiful to read, Amber! You know, you've been in overdrive for SO LONG. After Mike died you plunged forward almost immediately and had so much unearthing, planning, searching, purchasing, planning more, hosting, coping, carving out your new life on the mountain. Maybe I'm wrong but I barely recall you stopping to take a breath.

Maybe one of the gifts from B is he's holding space for you to just BREATHE, and be Amber. Your wonderful happy woman self.

I'm sure you'll pull yourself out of the cotton wool enough to oh, dunno, clean a toilet or something. My guess is B wouldn't care if your house looks lived in, comfy but not pristine...like a home.

Both of you have earned that week and I bet you're going to love it. One suggestion (can't resist of course) -- tryyyyyy not to overthink or pretzel your brain into too much "emotional planning." It's safe to just enjoy, stay in the present moments with yourself and with him.

So tickled for you, girl.

Big happy hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

So, lots of daydreaming...

but I'm trying really hard not to set expectations about anything - not even thinking about food yet. It will be more fun to decide those things together. Still, I think, absorbing the feeling that it's really happening and the time is finally here. After the months & months of second-guessing myself - Hol questioning HIS intentions and motivations and honesty - and the hours & hours of late night conversations about this, that & all the other things in our lives.

Last night he was asking if I had a certain kind of shop tool. So he said he'd bring his... then we'd have one. Very next message was: you don't mind me using "we" do you?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL. He assumes nothing; checks to make sure I don't have an issue about something. It's so different & refreshing to me. I'm not used to that.

Add to that, the kids moving to the Hut... and the shift in our dynamic around here... and there's a lot to get used to that's going to be "new". Not all of it will be easy; or comfortable... but I'm pretty sure we'll figure it out.  And that's PLENTY to take on all at one time, ya know? As far as I'm concerned anyway. And it leaves plenty of time to just live days at a time, doing the normal stuff... thinking of fun stuff to do... of which there is again PLENTY since both of us are easily entertained and seldom bored - even on those days when nothing much is getting done.

That ability to "just be" does not compute to the younger set. They're into self-improvement, setting goals & achievements, conquering or changing the world. I had my shot at that back in the 70s; Buck too. Differently, of course. I got all caught up in Ralph Nader's environmental movement - and we did clean up a lot of trash dumps. Which is why I'm so offended about Steve's drop something where ever he is... mentality... and keep on going. I can't stand that mentality; it's the height of hypocrisy for someone who claims to be in touch with nature. It's the opposite of stewardship and it's a hard rule of mine. He will learn and abide by it - or incur my wrath. One doesn't just leave a trail of ugliness through nature...   :shakes head:  I won't have it here. There are no justifiable excuses.

There's still a lot of "conditional magical thinking" going on there, with Hol. But ya know - it's her problem to deal with. I can color inside the lines... LOL. And I have a feeling that there is going to be some "example setting" around here after Buck finalizes his move. Something to work toward. We've kind of reinvented "commitment" - and written our own definitions to include a huge amount of personal space & freedom. But still keeping that strong "together" element. I think that's going to be challenging at times, but I also think it's going to work OK, because of who we are. He has a lot of family; kids he's raised and cousins. He isn't capable of just walking away from them; just not his nature - which is the dependable wise father figure. He already knows I'm seeing him having some really good influence around here and accepts that role without thinking much about it. It's what he does.

So... I really am just sitting here watching it rain half smiling to myself, not worrying about a damn thing, and thoroughly letting my mind just drift...

Garden tools for more hands to work up the garden soil are here. More herb plants too. I got 3 lavender grossos - which grow into mounds about 6-8 ft across. Medicinal yarrow; more garden sage (which is antibacterial; antiseptic used in the WW when the nurses ran out of penicillin). So, LOTS to plant this year again. More dirt to relocate... and I'll probably need to order some more, too. But the weather needs to warm up and be sunnier... I'm probably a month to six weeks behind because it's just been too cold.

Fortunately Hol's solar system is charging even in this overcast; they're looking into adding more battery storage.

[lighter]

That's an exciting update, Amber. 

Plans for the garden.  Plans for adding more batteries, bc solar panels doing such a great job.  Plans for Hol being in Hut very soon.   Plans for handling her anxiety.

Most impressive is your serenity around so many moving parts and people. 

Good choice; )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Serenity? Maybe it is - but it wasn't intentional. Just what I'm feeling these days. More peaceful.

Maybe discernment helped; I'm seeing more clearly what other people own (or should be) and isn't mine. Conflicts are bound to crop up from time to time. For the most part - Hol and I are able to sort those non-aggressively. Not entirely sure all that caused this last batch to be so intense... but part of it, was confusion on my part - misunderstanding what was/wasn't personal to me - and being encouraged to "do something" about what is none of my business. It wasn't well-received when I clearly stated that had to be hard boundary for me... but then, they can like or lump it. :shrug:

Holly doesn't need to be parented to feel cared about and secure. Not at 42. LOL. I was more successful at parenting than that! LOL.

Finding this connection with Buck has helped too. I have a partner in crime again... and his viewpoints are usually helpful to me, sorting out the messy stuff... not gospel from on high, mind you... but gives me a few different ways to think about things - just like you amazons do. Coming at things as we tend to do, from our own experiences and views, is incredibly important when I'm thinking through knotty, murky situations. Even if it seems to not apply (when I look harder - I do see how it could, often times).

Buck is just happy to be around. The turn around I've seen in him, from being totally withdrawn and not wanting to burden people with what he was going through... to playfully engaging with our mutual forum friends and being pure joy coming in to my space... it's like we both are able to awaken life in each other again. Kinda cool... and different, in my experience, for sure.

[lighter]

Awww... that sounds so promising for you and B, ((Amber.))

I think it's time for you to play. 

And dance.

::nodding::.

Good for you setting a hard boundary.  How did that feel?  Was the situation new, or was it an issue you've faced before?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Friend John was pleading with me to step in and interfere with Hol's relationship. That was a hard no. I had told him that before, but for some reason - probably some of his own trauma-related issues - he's been in some emotional-mental crisis this week. Up till now, he's been pretty steady and stable. I became aware of some triangulations he's attempted between Hol & me before too. Neither one of us women are letting him get away with that... and it must be frustrating.

With the states - most of them - opening back up again, me thinks it's just about time to write "The End" on this chapter of his "adventure" and journey... and move on to a change of scenery. This time, it's Hol's job - she just wanted to know that I was backing her up. All the whys & wherefores of why he's here in the first place gravitate around Hol and it would take forever to go through that story. Suffice it to say, there is a little bit "white knight" syndrome - and he perceived that Hol needed some help (she doesn't) and that he could be helpful here - which he has on some projects with me. But now we've knocked a bunch of those off the list... the planting is all me, and I don't want help with that. Unless it's Hol, learning the subtleties. Meanwhile, he's added a burden to Hol and if she's spending time with John - she's not with Steve. And life in the country is very slow... we have to make our own "fun" and "entertainment" here... we don't have anywhere to go & be entertained.

Anyway, this has been part of an ongoing discussion between Hol & me since she's been here - about some limits on inviting people here. Yes, reasonable sized special occasion parties are cool; and her good friends are welcome to visit. I like most of them. I like John - when his issues aren't out of control and beyond our talents to help. But in this state - he's not pleasant; and this situation as it stands isn't doing him any good. So it's her turn to deliver the ultimatum and move him on. And he wasn't invited; she DIDN'T ask him to come. He just arrived. Wanting to "help".

We had a very very good talk last night. Yes, she does have some issues in her relationship she's working on with Steve. But she's perfectly capable of handling that all by herself. That's why she's my "second in command" around here.

[sKePTiKal]

John did take off; and we're all resting and just floofing about in the predictable peace. I'm refusing to worry about him, because I gave him every gentle opportunity for him to say what was agitating him and was able to be very patient that day; strong in myself. Some days, I can't. And I take things way too personally then. But apparently, he wasn't able to verbalize it.

Downton Abbey is the perfect ambiance for this quieter space I'm in as a distraction.

Buck is quiet too... but when I gave him a countdown of the days till he's here, he came back with hours, minutes & seconds too - "but, no one's counting, right?" LOLOLOLOL. I think his patience is finally fraying too. It seems we can go days with minimal communication or interaction... and then there is a flurry of intensity of it. That works OK for me; helps me get stuff done in a weird way.