Farm Doin's - 2020

[lighter]

What I got out of your posts, Amber.....

B is ready to get to the business of being who he is, without pointing his toes, and for you to get there too. 

Sounds like you just might both get there at the same time.  Maybe you've already arrived.

Just astonishing update, Amber and better still bc I didn't worry at all about anything I would normally worry about, whatever those things were.

::sigh::.

I've moved into relaxed and vibrantly happy for you two; )

SO sorry to hear about Hol's ribs.  She's had a pretty rough year.  How is S doing with this situation?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so terribly sorry to hear about Hol's fall and painful injuries.
Is there clarity about how it happened?

Yikes. Broken ribs takes quite a lot of impact.
It must be very painful.

Poor her, and poor you too. Just when you were relaxing into A&B world.

Keep us posted....

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

There are steps down from the studio... and Hol built 4 steps UP to the driveway in the hill. It was raining... she had cowboy boots on - slick soles - and the toe of her boot slipped and she went down on the same rock that I've fallen into 3-4 times. Buck was just reaching out for her when she went down and scraped his elbow in the process too. (He's fine.)

S had a bit of a snit - so to add insult to injury, he was mad that she stayed so long talking with us; claims she lied to him; and took 24 hrs to re-evaluate if they had a future. Yes, he's that immature, self-centered, and insecure. They have since made up again - over my confusion & objection about how she was taking it last night; she was very angry and could clearly see some parallels to the previous relationship. All I can really do is just shake my head at her.

Local hospital insisted she go over the mountain to the big med center - where Mike's D has been working. (Soon to become the head of the trauma dept too!) So, we didn't have long to wait - 3-4 people came to introduce themselves - including the resident on that shift and the current trauma surgeon. Being a veteran of ERs and hospitals - I packed a bag in 5 mins. We weren't sure she wouldn't be admitted - and did in fact, turn down a 24 hr stay for observation. CT eliminated the concern that she might need surgery. But all told I think we waited 4 hrs. total for the CT and results.

If she stays on top of her pain medication, she's able to get around OK but she's making every effort to move slowly and intentionally; she has lots of tai chi walking experience. She's been sleeping OK - but still hasn't started using the breathing tube. I'll have to remind her tomorrow. She'll call Monday for a followup with the trauma doc. We both liked him a lot.

I'm missing B a lot already. It won't be long before he's back though. My phone has been constantly busy starting a couple hours after he left.    It's an understatement that he's very attentive. But we still separate to get stuff done, and then come back together again. All the little things I worried about - didn't matter once he was here.

It's just so easy and natural to be with him.

[Hopalong]

All the little things I worried about - didn't matter once he was here.

It's just so easy and natural to be with him.

What a wonderful thing to read.

I'm so glad, Amber.

Glad too that Hol's going to be okay. Miserable experience.
And when an SO goes all self-absorbed when their SO is in PAIN....arrrggghhh.

Lucky for you it's her job to sort S out. But jeez.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

When I redesign the deck... guess I'd better go on and change the steps too. But that won't be for awhile.

[lighter]

Should a railing be installed... until you can get to the change in steps?  Is there a railing or some way to put one in?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I thought about that Lighter. But the driveway surface is on top of solid rock; I suppose it could be drilled for bolts. I've been wanting to cover and change those stairs anyway... I just need to think about it a bit. It COULD go on the other side of the building - where there isn't a subsequent grade to reach driveway level. It's a little longer walk, but it's safer. Especially in the dark, rain & snow.

I haven't made any final plans about what I'm doing to that building yet; but the decks are getting in pretty bad shape and that involves the location/style of the steps too. The deck is ALSO quite large which is contributing to the instability - and we just don't need that much deck on that building. It is blistering hot in the afternoons on that side of both buildings.

[sKePTiKal]

Relevant to major derailment on the co-dependence thread:

The week before Buck arrived - I noticed a change in myself. I had completely cut off feeling my feelings. Just pulled the plug. It wasn't intentional and I only became aware of it after the drawbridge and portcullis were completely locked and manned with archers. Mind you - I was still HAVING feelings - but I had separated as far as a person can and still be human. I could still experience feelings - in the middle of my head center, in the midst of imagination and fantasy & fiction. Where it was without risk and perfectly "safe"... and a lot less "real".

And then while he was here... the feelings didn't ever overwhelm me; except maybe saying "au revoir". That was more intense, because I'd woken up and he wasn't on the deck out back; he'd already packed the truck; he wasn't in the kitchen or bathroom... I'd gotten coffee and went back to bed to wake up a little more... wondering if he'd really left. And then I noticed his change of clothes on the bed and I continued looking until I found him on the porch talking to Hol. That kinda freaked me out; I knew he needed to get an early start and I was afraid I'd slept so long I'd missed the leave taking. Plus Hol had texted me and that woke me up, saying she thought her ribs were broken.

So this vulcan mindset has persisted this week too. Letting all the big emotions settle; resting; not "thinking" or analyzing - just letting them be. I sure couldn't put many words to describing the feelings. Not without seeing myself through a lens of judgement - critical judgement - all those "shoulds" and "should NOTS" about making decisions based on feelings. Everything is proceeding as per normal - including silly fun & playful communication with B. Then, last night, I realized my eyes were leaking a bit again... and the fortress started crumbling. And words started to be available again.

I guess I was just absolutely terrified of going through hurt or disappointment again. Being bereft again. And that was MOSTLY expectations about myself more than him. He was sweet & kind, and funny as all get out - except for that one "real life" moment where HE was the vulnerable one; completely exposed and afraid of rejection...or criticism... and waiting to be told what he "should feel, do, be". And angry. To fall into the pattern of the past experiences that is the library of both our selves. And we aren't doing that. To the best of our ability. This is a very new framework.

But, I really didn't need to be afraid. He presumes nothing; always asks. He is not aggressive - despite being a strong personality. And for all his busy-ness and needing physical activity; of the productive work sort... he could just sit and feel, too. And then we shared "war stories" of the past. He's sensitive and intuitive - so I think he picked up how much intensity I had locked down. After all - he cares for a lot of feral cats - LOL. He's kind and patient when he picks up on those feelings.

And no, he would rather I NOT become dependent on him, even emotionally - he likes that I'm independent and strong (most of the time). He has to keep reminding me - equals. (Yeah, past conditioning; I tend toward thinking it's expected; and therefore it's become a reflex.) I don't have to "take care of" him; that would suffocate him - and if I NEED him, he will take care of me, but it's not a condition for the existence of the relationship. He is gobsmacked that I know how and can, take care of him when he needs it. Especially, because of the strong expressions of anger he has. LOLOLOL. Holly throws things; the bigger the better. You don't want to see what she does when THAT doesn't satisfy her anger. It's almost time for me to remind her about therapy again.

Buck has gone through at least 20 years of therapy. He has himself pretty well figured out by now. His list of "needs" or "requirements" are quite simple. I can't even begin to list mine. First, I have to spend some time sorting out my fear of this kind of happiness... even daring to FEEL it seems taboo; like I'm tempting fate. If it was someone else who felt that way - boy, do I have a pep talk, mommy lecture ready to deliver. But I almost feel sorry for myself for being so damn neurotic about this.

There was absolutely nothing "off"; no flags; he's authentic and genuine - and like most people just wants to be accepted for who he is. Emotions are tough for him to talk about too - but he DOES, in the most simple straightforward way. More so than I can, when I get all twisted up into one of these absurd mazes.

So, I'm not terribly surprised y'all misread what I was trying to say. It happens when I'm in that cold, emotionless space - but still feeling the pressure of the intensity I'm trying to keep a lid on. Throw the most difficult set of circumstances or complex, awful emotions at me... and I'm in my comfort zone. Throw sunshine, peace, love and happiness at me - and I bolt. Go figure.

[Hopalong]

I was just absolutely terrified of going through hurt or disappointment again. Being bereft again.

(((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))

I understand this. It's the actual vulnerability.
I see it as very powerful that you have admitted the fear,
let it come up...because owning a feeling releases the feeling.

You're both human and both love and need each other.
Living in an independent way doesn't have a hidden rule that
you can't also feel needy. That's another word for lonely, imo.
And lonely is normal when one is on a mountain after a couple
years of intense family drama, and the beautiful new human
in your life is there for a week, igniting all the dreams, and
then he has to go away again.

You can FEEL abandoned even when you know you're not.
You're only human and you've been going through a whole lot.

I hope Buck is coming back soon and the plan continues.
I hope your connection and the hope you feel keep on growing.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I don't think it's fair for large men to be judged violent and dangerous when they express anger... particularly when what's underneath is fear for what they consider vulnerable people they're responsible for.  Particularly when there's no threat or fear of violence.  Sometimes anger is the appropriate response, IMO.

At the same time, you're not a psych ward nurse, even if you're as competent and willing to deal with angry outbursts from adults in your life on a regular basis.  The reactive nature of B's outburst, and I suppose Hol's.... that's something else, IMO.

Are you training them?  Are they training you?  Rhetorical questions, but we do train people how we want to be treated.  It's something to reflect on, IMO.

B felt terrible when he lost control and let his fear come out sideways.... he lost his ability to reason and SEE you.  That's cause for concern, even if there was never any chance for violence.  Feeling bad about that seems appropriate, bc B typically receives a less than enthusiastic response from the women in his life.. maybe all people, when he reacts with anger in situations where it's not appropriate?

  I doubt he wants to lose contact with his senses, and you, in that way, in any case, as a theme in this relationship is what I'm trying to say.  It seems unlikely to produce any positive outcome, and more likely to produce negative outcomes, IME.

Just bc you CAN deal with all that anger...  doesn't mean you should, I guess?  Maybe?

Maybe everyone benefits if you aren't so masterful at being so strong, brave and competent at handling other people's sideways upside down emotions.  Maybe everyone benefits if you're less competent and comfortable?

Not saying you should judge, or condemn them, or yourself. 

I'm saying... maybe it's time for you to seek out and cultivate more peace and serenity, simply bc you can.  Because you deserve it.  You can leave the battlefield.  You've earned the right to leave it, IMO.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops. That hit the spot.  :blushing:

Lighter, we all have our personal struggles. I reacted with giving him space for his anger first, then simple comfort without words. I'm not anywhere knowledgeable enough to do more than that with Buck. With Hol, I have stepped back even some more - and I seldom address her or try to "manage" her in her tantrums unless I know it's really that she's asking for physical contact, and then she gets a giant hug. We always go back and address things AFTER the fact, when she's calm... and has had a chance to do her own work about that particular moment.

I doubt this is going to be a "theme" in our relationship. Anger is just a fact of life; and some people reach for that emotion first, instead of others. Because my meltdowns are so rare these days, it may be a long long time before he sees one. Like once in a decade rare. And that one, was because I let things get past the point of making myself explicitly clear; strongly. Instead of addressing it sooner - and suffering the repercussions/accusations of "judging" or being controlling or just OCD - because I have rules about taking care of things instead of just trashing them because they are material things. That belief/attitude does not compute for me. For me, that consideration for tools is part & parcel of caring about people... and it's a symbol of not caring about anyone but yourself in a moment. Which IS a theme around here; Hol has been working on a couple very painful experiences involving that, herself.

And that particular thing - makes me VERY angry. LOL.

Buck is able to work through his moments on his own with me around but not engaging verbally; but I'm not going to retreat or cower or abandon him to it. I can be there for him, without "doing" his work... and I'm still mindful of my own boundaries, should he exceed them. And I don't fear expressing that to him, at all. I've had quite a bit of practice with Hol, practicing this same strategy. And it's EFFECTIVE. It de-escalates the emotion down to a level where the rest of the brain engages again.

Eh. Change makes for interesting challenges, doesn't it?

[Hopalong]

Massive agreement with everything Lighter says here:

I doubt he wants to lose contact with his senses, and you, in that way, in any case, as a theme in this relationship is what I'm trying to say.  It seems unlikely to produce any positive outcome, and more likely to produce negative outcomes, IME.

Just bc you CAN deal with all that anger...  doesn't mean you should, I guess?  Maybe?

Maybe everyone benefits if you aren't so masterful at being so strong, brave and competent at handling other people's sideways upside down emotions.  Maybe everyone benefits if you're less competent and comfortable?

Not saying you should judge, or condemn them, or yourself.

I had a recent blowup myself that I'll mention on Relationship.

Anger may not be a "bad" emotion, but being around it semi-regularly when someone hasn't learned to manage it themselves, is toxic.

Amber, I would really really like for you to be in a relationship where you are not the coach or the therapist. Just yourself. Just a good, smart, creative woman who'd like to enjoy and share life in peace.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Amber, I would really really like for you to be in a relationship where you are not the coach or the therapist. Just yourself. Just a good, smart, creative woman who'd like to enjoy and share life in peace.

It may SOUND like I'm doing this a lot more, than I am Hops - because I'm processing when I write here. IRL, I'm not doing so much of it.

I'll reiterate again - with Hol, I've stepped back even further (the move into the Hut is close) and I'm not at all interested in being in that role with Buck. And I doubt he'd let me.

So within the space of a month or two... there is going to be massive change here; and there is still a lot of work to be done. Rome wasn't built in a day - so I'm looking at "time to completion" and knocking those things off the list. Because I have to keep making progress because there are other projects/phases of development I want to get to - and in some cases stand in for Hol, given her injury. Which is healing up pretty well. She stopped the painkillers coz she was having dreams that were too bizarre & intense (and one which was definitely generated by her subconscious - that spelled out plain as day a pattern I've seen in her).

I'm still kinda concerned about that switch that turns off my emotions just to avoid fear of - I dunno, vulnerability? But that doesn't make rational sense because one of the great things about how Buck and I get along - is I can just tell him things like that and he understands. It doesn't become an issue between us. He doesn't try to "fix it" or tell me what I should do/be instead. I think perhaps, that I was so conscious of this visit providing the rest of the information he and I both needed to decide if we were going to say, thanks but no thanks... or decide to proceed... that I over-compensated on the observation side of things. Somewhat.

Because I did spend much of my time just feeling; more than perhaps I wanted to even. When he's here - this farm isn't so much a project as it is "home"; he's HOME for me. And that's what I've been craving; being able to rest in that.

[lighter]

Amber:

I do think your processing here gives a sense you're doing more with regard to coaching or whatever, for Hol and B and the strays at the farm. 

I get it now.  Thanks for explaining that.

As for the anxiety..... with the time it took B to get his ducks lined up.... I understand any feelings of doubt that would crop up, and threaten to come true, God forbid. 

You've been through a lot.  You've overcome a lot. You didn't want this to be that.

Turns out it's not, but I think it's perfectly normal to be wary and aware, which you tend to be over smaller things, so.... ya.  You did it a bit with B, a bit.  So what?
You're not going to change altogether.  You're still you, and just relaxing into trusting B IS what you believe he is.

I think being pragmatic and aware is logical and wise.  This isn't your first rodeo, why would you ever BE that person again..... blindly in love, blindly trusting.  You aren't, nor should you be. 

You're surfing real good, right now, Amber.

I'm dancing circles in the moss for you: )

Lighter.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter. I suppose it's more natural for a widow to feel deeply the risk involved in a deep, intense, intimate new relationship. And to fear that risk. Regardless of age. (Just a WAG off the top of my head.) I know when I was younger it didn't even register on my awareness at all. I worried about OTHER things.

And while choosing partners - when I was younger - when I really didn't know myself well - I tended to pick more stable responsible men. But as I aged - I also changed and learned more about myself. And often I found them lacking in one way or another then. It happens; it's a real thing. Even Hol has noticed it in her relationships.

Active fatherhood seems to be (from my anecdotal study of men) what causes them to grow and mature. The ones that are less involved seem to get stuck somewhere and they never become interested in new things, being different or seeking wisdom. And many can't - or don't want to - change right along with their women. It's just an observation that MAY be generally true. I certainly don't have enough data or experience.

About my fear - I know Buck has his own similar. But our pact is to be happy and dance until we can't! That may have come out of my mouth while he was still in the hospital for a surgery and feeling very precarious about rejection - due to his physical limitations & multiple surgery scars being the reason the Ex gave for moving on 18 years ago. I'm creative; and I know how to make do, in a lot of situations - make lemonade outta lemons. And he is so simply very warm, open and kind - I can tell him anything. We had talked about my sitting with the decision to take this risk again, some time ago. How I felt about it. What I wanted to do. He knows my scars are on the inside. I've told him a lot about it, but I still haven't told him the whole story. I've heard about the horrors of his war combat experiences and the accident where he wasn't supposed to have survived, much less walk again... and be as active as he is.

So we almost HAVE to be completely honest with each other going into this; open and vulnerable; and trusting. Neither of us would be happy with anything less or have the patience for anything else. It's a tall order. But he's undersold himself - both his strength and understanding of things in this realm; the emotional side of things. That's so dang rare in men his age - no matter their level of success or accomplishments - he's like a unicorn.

So I'm stuck on him like glue - LOLOL. And vice versa. He can't believe my first baby shoes were fur lined moccasins from Lake Mille Lac. That I can handle a canoe. Can shoot and am no longer freaked out by guns. That I study alternative medicine, and still read obsessively. He can't believe I don't faint at the sight of blood or get grossed out by his scars. We have protocols for managing his infection - which isn't gone; but also isn't very active now. His blood and spinal fluid are where it's concentrated. I've been into first aid since I was a kid; picked up the basics of home care during Mike's last days from his daughter Autumn - a flight/trauma nurse who's about to become our big regional medical center's head of Trauma Dept. (I'm so proud of her! She's not even 40 yet!) Hol can suture (part of her tattoo and cosmetic tattooing training). And I know she can sew better by hand than this last surgeon.

When I'm upset, scared, angry or freaked out... B lets me talk it out. He is comforting without trying to fix it. I do the same for him. So that seems appropriate to me - and isn't close to coaching or crossing a boundary about managing those things. We can be in each other's space during that kind of intense emotional storm and be strong for each other. (oh... more unicorn qualities... you know how many men I've sent running in terror??? It's so disappointing.)

I think that the perfection in all this - so far - how easily we fit together, find our strides and rhythms, divide and conquer work together - feels almost too good to be true. But there have been those projects when I've had to say - I don't know what that tool or thing looks like or how to do something. And he quickly falls into teaching mode; in a way I can understand... and progress continues. We've just winged it and it's worked just fine.

So I think I'm just going to trust how good this is; be grateful for it; and stop questioning it.

He wants to completely close a chapter in his life - and start a new one. That's exactly why I came here, too. And I've spent time alone healing. Then Hol showed up - one of my favorite people despite how difficult she is sometimes - and brought her entourage to visit. She challenges me intellectually and challenges my defense mechanism habits. Because she cares. So I've learned some new people skills. Having people spend extended amounts of time in my space has been a CHALLENGE to say the least, but there is a balance now between the times it's cozy and peaceful and easy and those more difficult times. Now I can enjoy larger groups of people around and not retreat to wallflower, people-watching status. I really LIKE a lot of her friends and can go one on one with them openly. She has gotten a lot more selective over the years and has some really talented, creative and caring folks in her network.

So I think with the amount of space and privacy we have around here - the hut is a mile away by road and not visible from the house - and now with Buck in the picture... I'm seeing a plan come together in a really good way. Doesn't mean we won't have disagreements or clashes... but I know Hol and I can sit down and hash it all out and find a compromise or solution. One that respects everyone's wishes/needs.

So while there is much yet to do - including some time away traveling for A & B - I've managed to put the basics together of my dream for this place. Hol is happy - because she finally has a home that is HERS. I'm happy because there's enough of us here to work together to produce what we can for self-sufficiency. Even Steve - he's the duck, goose, chicken, guinea keet master. And he's constantly tramping through the woods - finding/identifying mushrooms and medicinal herbs. He's found a patch of ginseng here, which he is nurturing. So there are ways he DOES fit in here... and the rest is none of my business unless she brings it up. Buck's woodsman skills go back to before he enlisted at 17. And he didn't stop learning/practicing. He did a traditional buffalo hunt - loincloth and all - from horseback with a spear. LOL. It was a challenging ride. To say the least.

And he cleans up enough to take ballroom dancing lessons. Or look dashing in a kilt.

I have absolutely NO BUSINESS raining on my own parade with a bunch of "what ifs" that may or may not even come up... and I need to just surrender to being happy about all this and grateful that love has come back around again. And surf everything else.