Hi, Hops:
I wanted to put my thoughts, about your messages to Poet, here.... they're just my gut feelings. Not right, or on target, mind you.
You extended your little monkey paw, for connection and healing....bc you're whole enough and healed enough to do so.
The Poet sniffed your paw, and whatever is ticking and tocking within her ....shame, mostly, I think .....turned her away, and bragged about herself instead.
You see it. We see it. She can't see it. She can't see the peace, healing and serenity beyond available through accepting responsibility for her actions and connecting with you to figure it out.
It feels like she holds some higher ground, in her mind. As though must be right, so you must be wrong, the apologizer, the one letting her off hooks, to stomp boundaries and be the only one with feelings she cares about.....and that might be true. Might not.
I used to wonder about people who believe taking any responsibility will destroy them....how terrible it must be to live under that heavy wall, unable to accept a piece of their shame, bc there's years and years and years of it, piled on, ready to crush them, should they let their guard down.
It's a lot, but I also believe they, on some level, might understand it won't actually kill them. Some part of them would rather keep working to hold up the wall, rather than stand naked and vulnerable,in the messy rubble, falling all around them.
Those darn coping strategies
::shaking head::.
And you wouldn't shove her nose in it...shame her....proclaim a win. You'd listen and support.....I know you would.
Maybe she knows too, on some level, and that scenario so misaligns with her self image, as you've described, she can't reconcile...
can't believe peaceful juice is worth the squeeze.
And the squeeze, for those unfamiliar with surrendering.....those unfamiliar and fearful of what comes next....find holding up the wall less stressful, maybe. So they hold, refuse their monkey paw and live in the emotional turmoil they've created....piling it higher....more overwhelming.
After family visit, we joke about interactions feeling like monkeys tending to each other, being alarmed together or at odds...so sorry for the references.....but they seem to fit, imo. Insert little monkey ooo ooooos, and you have the full picture.
Your Poet doesn't have the ability to honestly self reflect.....at least, not yet, and that's ok. You're still ok. You're considering responses, reaching out, willing to gently connect. That's a gift Poet might not be able the receive.
Is it co-dependent when we need something, from someone, who just can't give it? Is it co-dependent to miss the signs, this will never happen.....miss the important exit for acceptance? To change paths ...maybe not give up, but travel a parallel paths, rather than the same path? Just....honor oneself more.....and see if dynamics change.
I do want you to know, there's no shame in how you're feeling. Labeling yourself "needy" hurt me, to read it.
You're human, have old wounds and what feels like a huge loss will ping and echo down childhood corridors, of course it will.
The word codependent-ish pops up....as it does for myself recently, and I think it's OK if we're authentic.....speak our truth and gently state boundaries.....hold them......back ourselves up, rather than betray ourselves, kwim?
I feel you were all of the above. The ball is in Poet's court. She'll rise and engage, respectfully, or she'll bounce back into your life, sans any insights......and forge on, expecting you to play the role her image has prescribed you.
I've done it, but there have to be limits......one must stop sacrificing to the point of betraying self, IME.
Truthfully, the Poet is the needy one....she neeeeeeeds you to play your supporting role in her.....
her......
manufactured self image? The part she plays isn't an authentic whole being, aware and self reflecting, imo.
I'll stop at the point I'm guessing what age she might be operating at, bc truthfully, I have no idea about any of it. Just expressing how it's feeling, to me, based on my experiences.
You have options.....how do you feel about them today, ((Hops?))
Lighter
