Good feelings on the friendship front right now. I'm grateful.
After 3-4 years, I rejoined the "beach week" group of UU women, most of whom I've known for years. There were a dozen of us, working happily together on great meals, puttering around, and having wonderful conversations one-on-one or in little organic groups. Clumps of chatter. Lots of laughter.
The house is gorgeous and directly on the ocean. I was so excited by the sky I watched it more than the waves. The clouds (storm front), the changing light, a crazy parasailer (if that's what a guy on a surfboard being whipped back and forth by a kite for hours is called). Time was suspended, love evident.
May have told you that one reason I stopped going years back was that a woman --I'll call her L -- with a bipolar daughter with whom I'd bonded in some long talks about our Ds, had lost her D to suicide. We were once in one of those mini-groups and although I misinterpreted it at the time, she said something in front of other people that hurt so much I couldn't breathe. Waving her arm at me she said, "everyone knows YOU'RE a failed mother!".
It wasn't until riding down this time with another friend, who's wise and experienced in many ways, that I unpacked it. L is brilliant, highly verbal, and I'd always enjoyed listening to her because of that. At the same time, her personality is sardonic and often sarcastic (I didn't mind that either). And I think what she was actually doing was in some odd way trying to indicate solidarity with me, when she said The Thing. I forgave her immediately at the time because she is grieving, but then retreated in fear. Fear of Groups Of Women rose up, and I lost that happy connection for years. This trip, it was healed. We're not cozy-friends any more, L and I, but we're not at all enemies and I felt really happy that she trusted me again. I could tell she knew something had been wrong, but she never addressed it so I didn't either. I just sat with her and two others and listened compassionately. She needs to talk about her lost D, and this group for her is one of her safe places to process it. I was glad she seemed at peace with me being a listener.
Sad news about another friend, David. He's the widower of the woman who was a voluntary conservator for me during my court fight with Sociobro. She did a mammoth audit of Nmom's accounts going back 5 years, which proved me blameless, despite my lack of skill with math and financial jargon. In fact, she found that during those years I'd made a total of about $80 in mistakes. She died in November. She also was the sister of "Gennulman" whom I used to talk about here, who died of his alcholism a few years ago, but was an incredible support to me during that court terror. I feel I owed that family my survival, and David was just the kind husband and excellent cook and welcoming presence while she and I worked together on my case. They are/were all brilliant, including their adult kids.
So, the sad thing is that David told me he's been diagnosed with glioblastoma, the same brain tumour that killed John McCain and Ted Kennedy. It's a vicious cancer and once diagnosed you're automatically in Stage 4. He's already had heart surgery, is on dialysis to survive his kidney failure, and is dealing with it with great grace. He's indicated he wants me in his close circle of support and includes me in updates. He asked me to join him and his daughter and her partner when they were recently here. Poor guy is alone in an enormous house, staring down the barrel, but is being rational and thorough about planning for home care etc, as long as it's possible. My heart aches for him but I am glad for the chance to support, and I can still make him laugh. Took Pup over and that was mildly hysterical, because his D had brought a CAT, which David forgot to tell me. My little terrierist really really wanted to murder it, so he's staying home this afternoon while I go see David.
Poet and I are doing better. I reach out less and she has expressed some irritation that I'm not always available, which almost amuses me. Codependent No More, I say. But she's happier, with lots of new writer friends. She recently lost one of her four brothers, and is presenting a little talk at a memorial and academic gathering in honor of her famous parents (anthropologists) in NOLA next month. It's good to see her writing up a storm, involved in creative and meaningful things. I'm fine talking with her and not talking with her. Imagine.
Thanks, friends, for reading all this yak.
Forgot to tell you that I started attending an online Zoom for "SMART Recovery" which I'm liking a lot. I want to reduce my wine drinking, afternoons alone, and still have a 30-year nicotine gum addiction. No stressing, no pressure, no labels or creeds--it's just good to hear voices of people who've lived through Such Stuff, and with an intelligent and effective presenter. Moderate drinking is accepted, nobody's got an absolutist view. There's a lot of variety in why people turn up there, and I'm hearing some very thoughtful things. It's maybe a little bit like group therapy, which I really benefitted from many years ago but could never find access to here.
hugs
Hops
