mental health

[lighter]

Well done, Hops.  Finding your balance, while others flail, is so powerful and makes you a more responsive listener/ friend/ support.

Getting dragged into your friend's reactivity with her doesn't help her and harms you, ime.

When your poet friend decides she wants something else..... she'll be able to release
unrealistic expectations around her marriage.  It sounds like all her angst hinges on her struggle to accept what is, which I realize creates most of my angst.

So, ya......ask  your friend what she intends to do about whatever she's complaining about....then listen.

Maybe you'll provide a new empowering perspective enough times for her to SEE she has the ability to choose learned helplessness OR something new and better for herself.

Sometimes one doesn't understand they're stuck in a trance until something shifts .... something new and unexpected, IME.

I can't listen to any gossip or the same complaints over and over without calling the speaker on it.....with more or less compassion or gangster compassion .... depending on how easily dismissed my words will be.  Sometimes gangster/ plain talk for me, that is. ...is necessary.

If I care enough to listen then I likely want to help.  Helping people see something new, they haven't been able to see before, is my new very short line in the sand....then I release expectation.  It's all good, but I notice negative patterns repeat less frequently around me.  People are listening more and ignoring me less.  They do research and want to discuss it.

Currently I'm working on being patient with those who ignored or tortured me over healthier food choices when I was struggling.....and now want my help making better choices, finding better options at the store, with recipes, etc.

When I was trying to do it first r them I was dismissed and punished.

When I turned to my business they decided they were interested.

Dropping expectations sometimes makes it possible for people to HEAR us where expectations made it impossible before, IME.

Ask poet what she'll do to get herself out of her unhappy situation then leave it there....where it belongs.  Nothing to do with you or your hope or cares.....but with her.

Sometimes modeling self care is the kindest and most helpful thing we can do for those who've never learned how, IME.

Maybe that's what "mind your own business" really means?  Tend to oneself, cultivate positive uplifting things and relationships....steer them up, don't stay in the negative space...... Don't demand they leave it.

Show them how.

I hope that makes sense. I'll edit later.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

No need to edit, that makes perfect sense.

I am clear now and feel relieved.

I may need to figure out the right response when the next cycle starts. Last time we talked I mentioned that I can get distressed and feel quite upset for a while after she describes an anguishing argument with him, or the cruel things he says.

But her last comment was just rationalizing it all as "Celtic temperament." They fight, argue and she almost depicted it as cute, an old Scottish couple "blethering." Not even the actual meaning of "blethering" but I think it's giving her a survivable narrative to think of it that way. She is utterly unable to face the idea of leaving, and that's her right. Though it's sad to me. That's my problem.

I'm really a little fed up (with myself) and want to remain compassionate but not hooked into the cycle of denial with her. Ultimately, it just makes me sad. For her. And indirectly, him too.

Anyhow, NOT MY BUSINESS. Thanks for the reminder to tend to my own. I've got plenty of work to do right here.

hugs
Hops

PS They are not married, though they had a "commitment ceremony" quite early in their relationship. I attended, wrote a poem for them, but remember thinking that it felt premature (nice party, though). The house is in her name and their finances are separated. So, to extricate herself, she'd really just have to require him to leave. They just moved to her daughter's state and he's enjoyed having a family (his Dtr is in France and his felon son in rehab, and all they want from him is his money). But in basic terms, he would have to move out or move on. It won't end otherwise and I've stopped imagining it will. She says, if she lost him she'd be very very sad. I believe her -- one can love an abusive mate. But to me she's living in constant sadness and has signed over her future. He's likely to die first. Then she'll be alone anyway, but with family support, which makes a huge difference. She's just not interested in serious therapy or changing the relationship so I'm OUT of the advice business. My job is only to learn how to listen without internalizing it all.

It's not my pebble. My nose needs a rest. LOL.

[lighter]

Nose off pebble, Hops, yup yup 👍
It does come and go.

Light

[Hopalong]

Instead of going all grievey over the holiday this time, I lolled in with a really interesting young YouTube counselor all morning who captivated me despite his background (way more Xian-conservative than I'm comfy with) -- he was SO compassionate with callers.

Then I had 4 friends over who hadn't seen Nanette or ever heard of Hannah Gadsby. It was SOOOO nice to have my back room full of talk and wine and laughter again, and even Pooch looked like the color had returned to her cheeks (if you could see beneath the fur). Plus, the conversation after the show was soooo satisfying.

I had windows open, ceiling fan blowing, and we all put on our masks when we weren't in our seats. Felt very safe and very joyful.

Gave my crows a handful of pistachios someone left. Happy Easter all around!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I really enjoyed your holiday post, Hops.  So much: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Big happy at you, Lighter.
How did yours go?

hugs
Hops

PS On the basis of how Sunday went, we decided to form a monthly FFFFF group:
Funny Fantastic Feminist Film Fridays. My dear 80 y/o brought her lovely adult
daughter and next time wants to bring them both, so we'll be six. SO nice to
mix up the ages! Both lovely, smart and accomplished. Tight fit for safe social distancing, but we'll manage. I may have to haul the sofa and armchairs around
but I'll make 'em help. I don't want to try to cook so we'll do a snackpalooza.
around. They were super pleased with my sound system and spanikopita.

[Hopalong]

Lots of anxiety today because I have zero energy and have gotten stressed out with the two-pooches change (though I looooove her). Woke up at 330 and haven't slept again since, so quite tired. Potty training is a challenge, she's clearly mostly chihuahua and they have a rep for being difficult to train, and at 5 y/o it's more of a challenge. So lots of accidents. I left a big pot in the sink with water running and was focusing so hard on her I forgot it, came back to an overflowing sink and lake on CORK floor (which hates being soaked). Cleaning it up took heavy rug-lugging and towel shoveling and running laundry.

The deal is, I am quite weak (from the deconditioning or who knows what, so I'm scared about the heart  test) and lightheaded-with-SOB every time I bend down to do anything, if I'm honest. I'm always gripping counters and walls to steady myself.

What a ninny. Feels better just to say it. I DO believe in regeneration but am just feeling alone and anxious. It'll pass, just helps a lot to write it here. Thanks.

Also, I've recognized that 3 glasses of wine every afternoon is blatant self-medicating, and if not alcoholic, definitely a new and unhealthy habit I grew into over the last two years of isolation. Talking about it with my T some, but shit.

Thanks for reading, y'all.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I've had wet floors....3 stories of them from overflowing tub.  I just had to laugh or would have gone crazy.

Be kind to yourself, Hops.  You're getting stronger the more you move and lift and tote.  Are you hydrating? 

Banish the fear, if you can, and consider blocking off an area
With pee pads for new pooch.  My brother has a little pen he puts his older dog in when he's not right with her..... she's a sneaky inside pee er.  Limit the chaos as you can and don't beat yourself up about the wine.

Switch to 2 glasses or 1 if you're ready to make a change, but enjoy the wine if you're having it.

So sorry the cork floor got wet.  You didn't need that.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

It's amazing how much dog pee (in the right place) can do for one's mental health.
In my frazzlement, I'd completely forgotten two important training tools:

--She can sleep in her carrier all night long, won't soil it. Tried it, took her outside as soon as I woke up and gently plonked her over her last pee-spot in the grass and mirabile dictu! A widdle whizz!

--I can set a recurring alarm on my cell phone to remind me to keep refocusing and carrying her outdoors again. Done. Two-hour intervals now, but hope to gradually increase them as she becomes stronger.

I think she does already get the general idea, or wants to "do it right" but I hadn't made it easy enough. When she does have accidents, they're always right near the door. If the poor thing could get out there on her own she would, I think. (I don't let her use the big dog door as Pooch does, because the yard's big and there are owls/hawks -- she'd be good for a midnight snack.) So it's my responsibility to help her with the crate at night and clockwork schedule during the day. I think it might all work if I'm just consistent for a few months.

I'd like to encourage her to bark by the door to let me know it's out time, but dunno if that'll happen. I've heard one little yap-woo in 5 days, but she's still adapting. To a lot.

I feel more patient today with her and with myself, and my anxiety has dropped some. (Also narrated a whole lot about the health fears to poet friend, blesserheart, and we'll be on Zoom together in a poetry workshop tonight. Great distraction from head jammed into navel.)

I even wrote a new poem for the first time in months. Simple one, but I like it.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Delivered Newpooch back to the SPCA this morning. Sat and cried in the parking lot (after doing it with the kind receptionist). I was just trying to get out how all she needs is for anyone with her to be extremely GENTLE and I broke down a bit. No hysterics, but wow.

I'm okay. Still clear it was right -- for me. I'm just worried about her but need to have faith in another person who'll be unfazed by pee pads and doggie diapers and taking her out multiple times a day even when it's freezing. I could have chosen that route for a decade+ by keeping her but am sure it would've been more than I should take on for this chapter. I'm already fighting the ADD to get organized, focus is a struggle and so is adequate sleep. So back to peaceful, low-maintenance routines with Pooch, who is contented and independent.

I realized talking to my T that unconsciously I identified with Newpooch. All the trauma she's been through, and abandonment. That helped me understand why it was hard to maintain detached distance and within a few days, we were bonded and love was flowing both ways. That process was a healing joy with Pooch and still is, so it isn't bad to feel grief today, just helps to understand it more.

It was SO hard to leave Newpooch there; I could feel her trembling through the carrier. But ours is a stellar, no-kill SPCA, and I feel confident she'll be treated well.

When the time is right I'll do it again; fostering felt good. Fattened her up and got her safe. A later time, hoping to "foster fail" -- I'll be more careful about answering the call, though. I think what I'll need is a 10-15 pound dog who's 8-12 years old and ready to relax -- and I should stick to that. A 5 y/o small breed is super active.

I don't know whether an "overlap dog" is a good idea, now that I realize my fantasies of them bonding and snuggling were just that -- fantasies. I can wait.

Thanks for listening.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh, so sorry you're hurting, ((Hops.)) 

It was the right decision, I'm sure, but still yanks at the heart strings for the little one, I know.  She's better off for your care and has a new reference for safety and trust...... if only it could have lasted.

I'm guessing someone with more energy and zest for fixing the potty training will scoop her up and bond more deeply still.  That's the right thing and bless you for seeing past everything and recognizing it. 

Comfort your soft heart, Hops and know you're kind, well intentioned and doing what you can to ease suffering. 

I'm sure your pooch is grateful to have the old routine back.

It's OK to be grateful too.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I am grateful, Lighter, and for your compassion too.

Yup. I've felt better as the day went on, and got a f/u email later that confirmed my hunch that Newpooch is pregnant. She's already signed up with a new foster parent who's experienced with whelping and raising puppies to adoptability. She'll have to recover and then be spayed.

I feel sad about Newpooch's new traumas but know she'll be treated kindly. I'm sure it's one of many litters she's likely been forced to bear. I loathe the sort of doggy mill that allowed her to wind up starved in a kill shelter. Grrrr. She's in the right hands now, so I'm just glad I helped her get there. Such a sweet creatureperson.

Meanwhile, Pooch is conked out back on my bed and very content. Took her out with me yesterday to meet old friends passing through and she was so happy to be out and to see them. (Same folks I was with some years back when they got the call their son just died, you may remember. This time, they're worried about their daughter who's come down with covid. But since they had a big reunion planned and daughter won't allow them in her house to help--and does have a circle of close neighbor friends--they undertook the trip anyway. We looked at each other at one point and said, No, that will NOT be happening again. They're scared -- dtr's doc wants her to go to the hospital because her chest is so congested but she won't, so they're worrying. I just suggested dtr have an oximeter delivered, because if O2 levels are consistently not lower than 90%-92%, she's okay getting through it at home. She's only a few days in and covid takes a while. Friends are 80-something so this is grueling, likely a last trip to see friends they miss a lot. Grateful I'm one.)

Long ramble, but it feels good to write it.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Scary when lungs are struggling, Hops.  I hope your  friend's DD recovers soon.

Glad young pooch has good foster match already. 

My dry intermittent cough is really starting to bug me.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I wouldn't have posted all that detail about the daughter's covid if I'd read your other post first! Sorry about that.

I absolutely believe that like you, she'll be okay soon. I just twanged with them because of the other time we were together and tragedy happened. This isn't the same in actuality, they were just looking pretty stricken to be here again and have their remaining child become fairly ill. I know it felt like an echo, but it ain't.

I dunno anything good about coughs except a real suppressant, not just expectorant. Maybe NyQuil includes that; haven't taken it in years. If you like an herbal route, any slippery elm bark on hand?

Hang in there.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

NyQuil gives me unbroken sleep.  It's my guilty pleasure and leaves me pretty numb ish.  Cough completely goes....DayQuil not as helpful.