Farm Journal - 2025

[sKePTiKal]

HA! You wouldn't think so listening to all of Hol's lectures to me about how I need to do X, Y or Z. My opinion is that once I stopped chasing after trying to make myself into whatever the goal of the moment was... it all just fell into place for me. She'll occasionally have a moment of self-awareness and mention that we are VERY different people. No shit Sherlock. AND I have 20 years more practice at everything too. Of course my priorities shift around - my perspective changes with that much more lived experience. Things that were once my obsession have faded in importance in my life and are no longer obstacles or issues to me.

It's ironic to watch her declaim in the MOST opinionated, sometimes biased way... how tolerant she is, open-minded, free thinking... I just keep my mouth shut, because I know life has a way of teaching those lessons that are way more effective than just me warning her.

How about you Hops? Are you content and reasonably happy with your current life? Sounds like you're still keeping a hand in with gardening, you have Pup for companionship - reliable assistance for the things that are important and loads more activity involving people than I'd be comfortable with. How's the writing going?

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I'm glad I waited to start my seeds till April. This month has been MOSTLY cooler than normal years. Our overnight temps have been in the low 40s and I really should've built a small fire in the woodstove. Temps like this are borderline too cool to plant out - herbs are OK, though. We've had enough rain to counter last summer's drought... so much so, that I need to till garden again. After I cut the weeds back.

I needn't have worried about it getting hot soon and waking up the bugs. AC is on - but hasn't been running.
The heat would be. We'll barely see 70 for the next 10 days.

[lighter]

Amber, I dread the buggy, sticky heat if summer, I really do.

I'm glad you're enjoying the cooler days.  Glad you're getting things done.

[sKePTiKal]

Couple more weeks, B will be back. Only to return again shortly and FINISH his move. That's the big news.

The weather and various sundry other projects are interfering yet again, with this year's garden. It's been cool & rainy; to the point I mentioned I might be making a batch of chili today. (High 61) I am trying to organize spaces in the house, to make room for B and his "stuff" - which has been severely thinned down.

That entailed taking a couple fine days (garden isn't tilled to plant) to burn cardboard & a year's worth of magazines I'd collected. On a couple days a week, I do have opportunity to recycle - BUT - I have been told in the past that when the recycler is full-up, it either gets burned or goes to the landfill anyway. I still smell like smoke especially from the glossy catalog paper. Next rainy spell, I'll dig around and try to find how to cancel the catalogs. Again. Seed catalogs aren't too bad; I usually only get 1 a year.

I've mentioned a friend of Hol's who runs a land development company; he's been coming out to work as much as he can - he needs the money, since he can't get people to work for him. And we're getting things that need to be done; DONE and "off the list". Like mulching several problematic Virginia Pine "reservations". Cleaning the ditches to prevent run-off damage to the road/driveway. Creating additional drainage at Hol's. We'll probably use him, as much as possible over the summer/fall. He has other paying jobs, but this work is getting us much closer to the desire "infrastructure" plateau or goal we've been looking for.

C is here again this weekend. We have some last bits to finish up in the studio and tools to put away. Choosing positions for artwork; soon to hang. We are discussing replacing the current bookshelves with custom made versions to match my work cabinets. We still have ceiling (quadriphonic) speakers to hang for the ever present music in that room. Waiting on cell signal booster to help with streaming music (studio is maybe 50 ft lower than the house on the hill/cliff). Hol is quite set on making things work - if at all possible - with C. I'm just getting out of her way, unless something physical happens. Neither of us are fans of that crap. And B's means of dealing with it are "extreme", so he defers to my decision.

The rain and cool temps are certainly making everything happy. Mountain Laurel is blooming now. And Mother Nature is doing her "take over everything in sight" thing. There are hundreds of jobs around here, to keep all of us busy for quite some time. So much so, I've been entertaining the idea of a "tenant farmer" to help. God forbid we ever add animals (beyond the 6 geese that were left here - and we're not fond of them either. Eggs are rare; they're mostly ganders.) I'm on day 2 of recovery from the burning session and should be A-OK tomorrow. It was a lot of bending and twisting and my pile of stuff was TOO BIG. It's been windy a lot... and last year's fire warnings was enough to make me over-cautious.

So it's housework for a bit. Deep cleaning things I haven't touched in awhile. Like my enameled dutch oven. It gets a workout all winter. And here comes the rain again. Time to let weather-shy kitties in.

[Hopalong]

Lots of nasty chemicals in glossy catalogs...might be risky to be near that smoke, imo. (When I headed up a publishing dept I learned more than I wanted to from the art dept. about inks, but you as an artist probably learned way more than that.)

Your whole operation sounds amazing. Wish I could see it one day.

hugs
Hops

PS I'm happy B is actually getting moved! Hope he's still feeling less pain.

[sKePTiKal]

So far, so good Hops. He has recently seen for himself how his emotional state impacts the level of pain, so that's a win in my book. I'd mentioned noticing it for awhile - which he wouldn't look at seriously. He already knows the basics about staying calm... so I'll just need to help him figure out ways to calmly state the facts (as he feels them) about how he personally, has been treated by the medical profession, VA, etc. Without being IN the emotion... tricky that; and not that I'm a black belt at it.

[lighter]

Go, Amber and B!  This is a big milestone, for sure.

Regarding, Hol's patterns in relationships, if there are such things....does the term limerence make any sense?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

20 years ago, it MIGHT have. But she's way more grounded than that - and pragmatic - these days. Plus she's always been more than a tad picky and had a high bar of standards for reciprocity. Hasn't always had the boundaries or ability to see maniipulative techniques... but I do think she's conquered that in the last decade. Enough so to protect herself.

[Hopalong]

Back to B for a moment. Was just watching YouTube wonderful videos: journeys, life changes, homesteading stuff, you name it...and thought how good it could be to invite B to Tell That Story (the whole damn thing) on video. Yes, I'm fixing things that ain't broke...

As to Hol, I LOVE this description of how she is and considers relationships. Some kind of wise tiger woman must have raised her, even if in parallel.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, no on the video. His friends and I have suggested this and the media to him in the past. A.) it jeopdardizes what little he can depend on right now and B.) no one will believe him - just accuse him of having a grudge, being paranoid & negative. I've finally got him on a "third path" and it's helping, in practical ways. Plus, rejection of his story is the main trigger that really DOES evoke feelings of paranoia, being singled out for SOME reason, and negativity - which then, spikes his pain. Mr. Big Strong Guy that can move mountains... has a very sensitive inner belly. LOL. Even though he has Rhino skin.

Hol has been, remains, and most likely will continue to be a "force of nature". I am the first to say, that she made her self - I didn't have much to do with that. Just was around as a resource. I'm finally seeing some softening around her edges, some slowing down and pacing herself. Not QUITE as driven to prove herself as she used to be. I think Cody and I might be able to team up to encourage her to write again. We'll see. It has to be surreptitious encouragement, because she'll immediately stand firm and say she's already "doing" enough. Just point out the door over there... as an option... if she so chooses.

[sKePTiKal]

Happy Solstice.

So, Hol's "sister & friends" reunion is underway. The landscaper friend was here all week - but staying at our place so he can sleep, talking with B - who is still unpacking, and tonight is the big shindig and slumber party. So it's been and is going to be a zoo. C may be coming for dinner with his friend Sunday, when B & I are expected to put in an appearance with whomever is still here. I'm also expected to hang out with the girls today/this evening. We'll see. It's going to be 90+ degrees today and that will guarantee I'm out of commission for awhile. But B and I only had our first time alone yesterday afternoon. Then, crashed early.

Finally got the last of the garden in; it's a total weed fest out there and needs mowing and trimming. Our farm assistance (afore-mentioned Hol friend) trimmed a lot of the brush at the creek bank, so that feels less "close" now. And it doesn't give the deer a place to hide anymore. I swear it's rained for a month, daily. And now abominably hot and dry. I just can't win with the weather. But it seems like we didn't have much of a no-see-um hatch and not many skeeters either. Yet. Just got a half dozen more herbs to flesh out that garden (it's got more shade).

Been feeling over-run with people. Of course, Hol has been looking forward to this and busting butt to make it perfect. So much so, that when her first guest - her older half sister - got here, she kinda had a super late night and super-Hol meltdown. Her friend staying with me, told me the next day. B and I got out of there at a reasonable time. Our "excuse" is we're old folks and just can't function without sleep or hungover or emotionally drained... because Hol always needs to spew whatever the pop-psych analysis of everyone and herself is current and make everyone uncomfortable. Sigh. Attention, I guess, is still a need for her.

Anxiety, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and wanting to be important & the center of attention is bad for her. But far be it from me to open my mouth. I'll be made an example of "wrong, wrong, wrong". Maybe her older sister lectured her.  I'm just keeping my distance for the weekend and hoping the rest of those women playing & having fun will satisfy whatever she's craving. She's getting too old for this crap.

I'm already there! 

[Hopalong]

Wise moves, Amber. Getting out of there early and prioritizing your self care. Sorry H is struggling to find what she needs, but I bet underneath the performance she reallyl has made progress. Only she will know, and that'll be years and years from now.

*One thing I wanted to offer a tiny and respectful quibble about...I'd query yourself why it's appropriate for you and C to pressure (or subtly "encourage") Hol to write. From the inside of the wire, I'd say it's the same as a mother dropping subtle hints about weight or some other deep change.

As a writer, I've often been urged to publish. Nothing alienates me faster than anybody pushing me to do that sacred, fragile, and profoundly intimate thing faster than I feel like it. For me, the most welcome space would be with fellow writers who accept what's on the page and mostly (not always) save the tedious focus on recognition (publication) for their own brains. I'll do it when and if I want to (in fact am sending one out to Passager, a good journal) and not a second before.

So I'd advise that no amount of clever or subtle "suggestion" will be missed. It'll register in a negative way, imo.

*[next morning: AAAAaaaaannnnnnd....woke up this a.m. thinking, I'll ramble over to VESMB, and it hit me right in the sleepy face about how I -- MOI! -- used to everything short of NAG you to do Amber art again. Ahem. Bustiered. Heist on me own petard. Etc.]

Forgive me for the outspokenness. Please. I'm sure I could've conveyed this opinion more artfully but don't have the energy in this heat. And with an exhausted mid-move houseguest.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

 I was wondering how things were, with you, Amber.

So glad the garden's in.  Makes me happy to read about your herbs, it's does.  Pleased to read, you have time with B, again.

As for Hol's meltdown.....I don't think it matters what "caused"it. No one can control the outbursts , IME.  Not saying you believe otherwise.  Just say'in.

 The question is..... what's creating the reactivity? 

Does Hol know?  Is she comfortable with it? Would she like it to change?

Sometimes my niece talks about her reactivity...can be explosive/stop everything and everyone.  She identifies the same in her mother.  She understands something is askew, talks about anger......towards both parents.  She understands she has issues, but hasn't (to my knowledge) gotten beyond blame and anger.  Yet.

Please excuse this unsolicited input, if not helpful or applicable.  I'm feeling a bit melancholy, at the lake.....it feels like my 22yo DD, and niece's, little wounded child spirit's are in the house, with me, today. 

For me.....when they're lashing out, melting down, I know.....there was trauma done to them, maybe not always on my watch, maybe not always in my presence, but I knew about much of the harm/had to allow it, in some cases. 

They'll both have to find, and heal, their wounded parts....save them....if they can.

I think about that, and have to manage my emotions around it.  Sit with the anger, and blame, till what's beneath comes through.  Sadness, mostly.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

No worries Hops. I'm not suggesting she publish. More journaling - to put the things she's angry about OUT of herself, where she can analyze to heart's content (with herself) and put it safely to rest. (Lighter - that might cool the reactivity, also.)

Things were OK last night. I did have some days of anxiety over Amy being here. But needlessly. There were just enough guys around (3) to chill some of the energy out. The oldest half-sister Jen, is also level headed and a rock. They've had fun. Dogs have gotten along. No one needed first aid, ER, or a vet. Things get back to normal today.

C is here for a day or two, so she'll have her favorite company. And B and I will be done with appts. today and can chill. Except for things around here.

[Hopalong]

Duh, of course. Journaling! That IS a brilliant suggestion for Hol. Maybe giving her a gorgeous blank one next gift-giving holiday. Boy did I make that all about MEEEEE....

Glad things went safely with all the peeps, particularly Amy. Older is soberer, I hope?

Lighter, your last two lines hit my chest. I'm sorry for the sorrow and hope it eases.

The world on fire is what's preoccupying me right now, trying to distract. Pup helps.

hugs
Hops