I have access to my N's personal email

[bunny]

Reality checks from my experience....

He may well think about you. I wouldn't assume he doesn't. But he compartmentalizes it and acts out addictively so you wouldn't know it.

It isn't a sign of health to move on quickly. It's a sign of superficiality and  anxiety.

If he has to lie then he probably feels guilty about "looking bad" about something he did. This denotes some level of self-recognition that he's a jerk. Not that it matters.


bunny

[Anonymous]

on the surface maybe but unlikely to very deep or meaningful?
 

Good point. Highly likely but I have no means to prove it. Don't need to except on days when I am overwhelmed and lose perspective.

Too bad you don't have access to inside information about your ex's relationship because you would likely see him treating her the way he treated you and you would feel much better about no longer being with him.

In what I'm learning about NPD this is highly likely, too. When the roots don't run deep it's easy for the tree to topple. From the little bit of I have learned about the new woman she sounds successful (financially anyway). And he's relocated to a far more exciting community than where we settled a year ago (I'm still here). So during low ebbs I can easily glorify or idealize his world (all that glitters isn't gold) and get into the 'poor-me' syndrome (Cinderella "in my own little corner with my own little chair" - yuk!).

It isn't a sign of health to move on quickly. It's a sign of superficiality and anxiety.

So true. It just gnaws at me when I compare my insides to his outside veneer. I look the fool (ego balderdash, really) and he appears to be jazzin-up-the-town fine. But books and covers aren't always what they seem.

Well, I am trying to break out of doldrums and a bit of lethargy. In reviewing career options I've made a decision and was informed yesterday that I am conditionally accepted to a graduate program (pending completed paperwork). When I spoke to the department head earlier this week I got excited about the many possibilities this could open up (besides I love a university environment - it's energizing). So I start classes on Monday (eegad - grades/exams/deadlines - am I nuts?!!)  Onward and upward, hopefully!

[Anonymous]

Ooops - that was me in a hurry.

Best,

bludie

[Confused2]

He may well think about you. I wouldn't assume he doesn't. But he compartmentalizes it and acts out addictively so you wouldn't know it.

It isn't a sign of health to move on quickly. It's a sign of superficiality and anxiety.

If he has to lie then he probably feels guilty about "looking bad" about something he did. This denotes some level of self-recognition that he's a jerk. Not that it matters.

Reading this felt good. Thanks Bunny. Also, I looked at Stephen Carter's web site. How do you know he now links Commitment Phobia to NPD? I would really like to see what he's had to say about NPD so any direction you can point me in would be appreciated.

In reviewing career options I've made a decision and was informed yesterday that I am conditionally accepted to a graduate program (pending completed paperwork). When I spoke to the department head earlier this week I got excited about the many possibilities this could open up (besides I love a university environment - it's energizing). So I start classes on Monday (eegad - grades/exams/deadlines - am I nuts?!!)  Onward and upward, hopefully!

Wow, Bludie, that is REALLY exciting!  I think that grad school will get your mind off your ex-N. It will also engage your mind and put you in contact with new people. May I ask what you have decided to study? I wish I felt like going back to school. It is such a nicely packaged, tangible goal. But, I already have a Master's and can't think of another degree I want badly enough to do all that work! I wouldn't mind studying Sociology or Comparative Religions, but, I think I am just not motivated enough.

I am feeling SO MUCH better today. I have been having intense feelings of gratitude to my guardian angels for preventing that marriage to this really messed up guy! My friends and family have said all along that I was so lucky but I really didn't feel lucky until very recently. Also, my intense feelings have subsided. I no longer miss him at all.  And I have gotten used to being single again and am feeling OK about that. I am not currently deeply longing for a relationship. Yay!!!!! Hope this lasts!

Confused2 (I think I'll change my name now to Chandra)

[Anonymous]

Confused2 aka Chandra,

Glad to hear you're feeling better and had a nice day. It is so good when the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't appear to be a train!

It will also engage your mind and put you in contact with new people. May I ask what you have decided to study?

Yup - I'm looking forward to wrapping my head around something else other than my problems. MBA-communications emphasis.

I am not currently deeply longing for a relationship. Yay!!!!! Hope this lasts!

Probably a good idea to take a break until you're really over your ex. Dates are fun but I'm not always so good at casual dating and can't even imagine pursuing this for quite some time. Maybe it will take more time to feel differently.

Later gators,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Chandra - If you looked at the Q & A where Steven Carter answers people's questions, narcissism comes up; also attachment disorder. He doesn't link the men to NPD per se but to narcissism. There's one answer where he says some of these men have NPD and some are just narcissists.

bludie - Congrats on acceptance to graduate school! Should be exciting. What are you studying?

bunny

[Anonymous]

Thanks, bunny! MBA - communications emphasis

Best,

bludie

[Chandra]

Hi Everyone,

I have good news to report. I have finally stopped reading my ex-N's email. I have also finally deleted all of his emails and photos and everything about him from my computer (though I did save it on disks that will go in the closet just in case I ever decide to write a book or look back on this or whatever...).

Here's why I stopped: He met a woman and fell for her. He started to describe the relationship to his friend and how it is different than the one he had with me. He so distorted our relationship that I couldn't even stomach reading it. It really hurt to see him either lie like that or distort like that. I would be hugely surprised if things worked out with this woman. Just a week before he met her, he was still talking about getting breast implants for himself (remember, he wanted to be a transgendered porn star very recently). Interestingly, the day after meeting and really liking this new woman, he placed two new personal ads up on the Internet and get this: one of the photos is of him with MY beautiful dog that I took! What a violation!

I stopped reading his email because it started to be painful. I realized, as many of you have pointed out, that I needed no more evidence of his dysfunction. I realized that reading his email, while providing evidence of his dysfunction, kept me stuck in his energy. Also, I know I would be hurt if, by some miracle, it DID work out with this new woman. I would be back to feeling like it was my fault that he left me. I don't need that, especially since I would never really know the truth about how his relationship with her was going. You can never know those things about a relationship you are not in.

This is only day two of not reading his mail but I am committed to kicking the habit. It is almost as if my healing has to start anew because for the last 8 months since our break up, I have maintained a connection with his life through his email. I was on a real high yesterday because I had made this decision to stop. Today, I feel a bit empty. But I will persevere and hopefully get my life back.

Bludie, how is school going?

Chandra

[bunny]

You made the right decision, Chandra. I think after a few days the toxins from this man will diminish and you'll feel a lot better about life.

bunny

[Brigid]

Chandra,
I, too felt it necessary to have a look into my n husband's life after he moved out and spied on him.  He had left our 22-year marriage for a married woman.  I have read e-mails between them and know that he tells her he will be different with her and he has learned from his mistakes.  He has also bought her hundreds of dollars worth of Victoria's Secret underwear so he can view her as a porn queen (necessary to his sexual arrousal).  She hasn't left her husband yet so she might just be smart enough to see through some of what he is saying.  I have read enough, seen enough, learned enough to know how unhealthy he is and how much better off I will be without him.  I have fantasies of calling her poor hapless husband and letting him know of her slutty behavior, but I'm not willing to give it any more of my time and energy.

Have I stopped thinking about him, our life together, our life with our children and how much I miss being a family?  No.  I think about it every day, and every day I wonder how he could so easily have walked away.  My therapist feels that in his own sick way he was letting me go because he does care for me at some level and knew he could never give me what I needed.  He has crossed over to the dark side, has lost all sense of morality, decency or relationship with God.  I am very glad to not be him or the woman he is now choosing to spend his time with.  

I do not regret having looked into his private life.  It has provided me with some valuable information to protect my future and that of my children.  It has helped me to understand that he was never invested in this relationship and probably never loved me.  It has helped me to know that this was not my fault.  Knowledge is a good thing and when you are dealing with someone who is so deceitful, sometimes you need to do things that are not in character (in other words, think like they do).  But I have gotten past it and don't want to see those things anymore.  They have lost their healing value and only give pain now.  I don't need any more pain.  I'm glad you have moved beyond it too.  It is a great first step to healing.

Brigid.

[Chandra]

Brigid,

Thank you for sharing your story. Your words resonate so strongly with me. Every time I read someone else's story that is similar to mine, I feel affirmed and sane.

I do not regret having looked into his private life. It has provided me with some valuable information to protect my future and that of my children. It has helped me to understand that he was never invested in this relationship and probably never loved me. It has helped me to know that this was not my fault. Knowledge is a good thing and when you are dealing with someone who is so deceitful, sometimes you need to do things that are not in character (in other words, think like they do). But I have gotten past it and don't want to see those things anymore. They have lost their healing value and only give pain now. I don't need any more pain. I'm glad you have moved beyond it too. It is a great first step to healing.

My N was also never invested in the relationship and probably never loved me although he promised to love me for a thousand lifetimes. The shallow feelings he had for me are all he's really capable of. I am intrigued by your therapist's take on your ex: that he left you because he cares for you in his own sick way. Someone else alluded to this in this thread. I suppose it's possible.

I feel exactly as you do. I know that reading his email for the past 8 months has been incredibly healing. There aren't many people that know I've been reading his mail because one needs to know the entire story and the level of deception that occurred and I don't choose to share the entire story with everyone. So only my closest friends know and they have not judged me for it.  

After a day of elation of being free of him, I am very sad today. It is like starting the grieving process anew, though I think it will be abbreviated since I have been grieving all the while I have been reading his email. I can't wait to see what life begins to feel like once I have a few weeks or months of no contact under my belt.

Chandra

[Anonymous]

Chandra,
I am nearly delirious from stress and fatigue right now  but CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so jazzed that you've stopped reading his e-mails. I'll give your post its due tomorrow when I am hopefully more coherent. I have wondered about you for days. Am so glad to see you back on the board with this new-found freedom. Bravo!!!

Best,

bludie

PS - school is good. A bit overwhelming. Tons of theory reading and then hands on lab work. Good stuff to wrap my head around though. Today's go-round with the ex-N had me a bit preoccupied but I'll get on the saddle again. Thanks for asking.

[Brigid]

Chandra,
The ups and downs are normal.  I can't tell you how many times I've told my therapist how much better I was doing, only to come in the next week in tears.  Certain events (holidays, anniversaries) are bound to stir up emotions, but you can somewhat prepare for those.  Its the unexpected encounters or correspondence that can suddenly spiral you back to that very sad, angry or lonely place, that are impossible to prepare for and much harder to recover from.  

I pray daily for the day when none of this bothers me anymore and I can go through an entire day without giving him a thought.  It has gotten better and I think I have more ups than downs now.  I have forced myself to get involved in some new activities that had nothing to do with us as a couple.  I have been dating a little, but have no interest in anything serious for now, but the new relationships have helped me to learn things about myself.

As many others on this site have said, be kind to yourself and just know that it takes time.  

Brigid

[Lara]

Dear Chandra,
I'm sorry that you have been feeling sad.You have done so well to decide that you don't want or need to look at the emails anymore,but altho this is a step forward perhaps it also seems like the closing of a chapter in your life.

Hang in there,and I think that soon you will feel calmer because you will not have your daily peace of mind disturbed by knowing what is going on in his world. You have been through the time when it still felt necessary to have some connection with him,and now you are moving into a new phase,where your state of mind can become dependent only on you.(And you are the person who knows best what your needs are.

Take care,
Lara.

[Chandra]

Hi everyone,

Thanks to all the support in this thread and also in my other thread:What exactly is wrong with revenge. Lara, Brigid, GFN, Bludie, Bunny (most recent posters), your comments have been most helpful. Can you all come over for dinner tonight? (smile)

Since stopping reading my ex's emails, I have been feeling sad and rejected. Like you Lara, my mind seems to default to thinking about him. Here are the most recent thoughts:

1. That he's not really an N and that I was just needing to believe that in order to feel better about being dumped. (So many of you talk about your N's calling and seeking you out; mine has pretty much stayed away since leaving 8 months ago. However, so many other N qualities I've read about ring true and they were validated by his exwife).

2. So if he's not really an N, there must be something about me that caused him to leave me (I know this is not rational: he has major gender issues along with still being fixated on a woman he was with 10 years ago. He sees her as the love of his life, flawless, perfect, etc..., even though she lost all romantic interest in him a couple of years into their relationship and she is with a new man. They still see each other a few times a year)

3. Reading his email has caused me to feel rejected by omission. He never talks about me and when he does, it's only about how wrong I was for him (this is the guy who seduced me, convinced me I'd been waiting for him for many lifetimes, professed eternal love and devotion in 150 pages of love letters, seemed to be everything I've ever wanted in a man, proposed, sold his home, moved to my city, planned a big wedding with me, bought me a ring, hosted an engagement party, had me spending time with his large family for several days-----and then moved away to buy a house in another state, thereby essentially dumping me with no warning over the course of 4 days time for a bunch of lame reasons (all things he knew about me BEFORE he ever proposed), all the while saying he loved me and was still committed to me. It is still incomprehensible how anyone could do this in the way he did it).

4. He has recently met a new woman, and has apparently fallen for her and she for him. The very next day, however, he put up two new ads on Internet singles web sites looking for women (he has other ads up looking for transsexual men). In one of his new ads, he has a photo of himself with MY dog!!!! I couldn't resist. I wanted to find out what he would say if asked about the dog so I created a false persona--let's call her Lisa (one I knew he would be attracted to) and answered his ad and asked about the dog. He was relatively honest saying the dog was just a friend (even though my dog is NO friend of his, after what he did to me!) Since I'd pledged to give up reading his email, I decided to end this little game right away. "Lisa" wrote him back a brief letter saying she had met a couple of other guys who are geographically closer, and she wished him luck. He wrote back saying how much he wanted to meet "Lisa" because she reminded him of this woman from 10 years ago, and he went ON and ON about this woman and how wonderful she is (not real smart if you are trying to woo someone new). I felt so rejected again! It's as if I never existed and he was ENGAGED to me, for crying out loud! (I guess one has to wonder what he's doing so excited about "Lisa" when he JUST met someone new and supposedly really flipped over her. The poor woman.)

I guess I wouldn't feel quite as horrible if there was EVER a shred of something positive he said about me. But he never does. And that is why I am finally letting go. I'm tired of getting rejected over and over and over again.

It's been a few days of no email reading. I know this is the best thing. I feel pretty depressed. I am not going to fight the depression. It almost feels comforting. I have no expectations of myself. I can just float for a while. I feel extremely unmotivated to try and meet someone new. I am depleted. I wonder if I am getting peri-menopausal? I am 47. Maybe my hormones are starting to fluctuate and affect my moods.

I so wish I had never met this man who threw my heart against the wall and walked away as if I never existed.

Sorry for going on and on, but thanks to anyone who reads this for "listening."

Chandra