The Letter I couldn't Send

[Anonymous]

I think you've been treated a bit harshly. I have to say it is with the best motivation from people (like myself) whose lives have been blighted by Narcissism.

I don't understand - like you - how sympathy can be given to N lovers and N children but not to N parents. After all, every N HAS a parent(s).

Very true, Serena. Thanks for the stabilizing perspective.

[Grateful guest]

I just want to say congratulations to Ellie for her brave, enlightening and so inspiring post... 'hope it will inspire others as well... Thank you Ellie!

[Ellie as guest]

Thank you Grateful Guest for reading my post. I wasn't trying to be inspiring - just really telling my life.

In regards to the authors of the thread - MyWifeandI and MyHusbandandI, I really think Portia has a point in asking you to talk TO her.

As a child of people who refused to listen, I really appreciate this board. I really appreciate folks who take the time to read what I write - I'm being listened to and I feel like what I have said got heard by someone - even if I do not like what is said back - I got heard.

Portia is responding and you heard her, but you talked about her to the rest of us instead of to her. Do you see why we use this board? It's called Voicelessness and we are here because we aren't being heard by those who hurt us. When we talk, we ask to be responded to, not about.

Your daughters are being discussed here on this board, but I bet they would love a chance to positively (not negatively) discuss things with you. That is what they asked of you, but instead you say you're leaving it all behind.

If you need to practice "Listening" to someone, use this board. Talk to us. I feel I was responded to, and about, both, but I got positive responses either way.

Portia and others on this board have been responded about in negative ways. Keep in mind, we do not know each other. We are all in a sense "Using" each other to sound off. But if we are here to talk about the ones who hurt us and how they refuse to hear us, it's very hard to have compassion when we see someone do exactly what they are complaining about to someone else.

I plead with you, if you took the time to write everything, pouring your heart out as you both did, and appear to want to resolve some issues with your daughters, take some time to practice hearing each other. Then approach your daughters. I don't know them. I can guess their personalities by your description, but I'm also someone's daughter. And as much as I detest my parents today, if they came to me with an earnest change of heart and tried to show me love, I would take them back in with open arms.

I realize your situation appears to be the opposite - but as children, we still wait on our parents for approval. You are still the head of the family and it will take an action from your part to start a positive change in your family.

The part I see in your posts that remind me of my hurting past is that you appear to be judging your daughters. It's not our place to judge. You have decided already that since you were hurt for the past 3 years, you will be hurt forever. You really don't know that. Your daughters could be going through a season in their lives that makes them be the way they are - but doesn't mean they will be this way in 5 years. If you sign them out of your life now, you are determining your fate for your family.

My parents pushed me out of their lives. They said they didn't want anything to do with me because I will not follow their rules today. There's nothing I can do to change their minds or hearts. I am who I am and will forever be me. They don't like me.

You obviously loved your daughters dearly for many years. Can you just cut out your heart and take away the love now because of 3 mere years. In retrospect - you will live for 30-40 more years. What's 3 years compared to a lifetime? I beg you to take some time, find some happiness between the two of you, find some things you love about yourselves individually, have a happy life for a while without your daughters and their families. Then come back and revisit your feelings. If they are still strong against a relationship with your daughters, then keep your distance.

Something I have learned in my short 45 years of life - "Life's too short to waste even a minute". Do with it what makes you happy.

I wish you both the best. You seem like very nice and loving people. I'm sure your daughters have lots of love. They are still growing up. I didn't have my first child until I was 30. I didn't grow up til I was 30. I didn't want to. Now I want to be a kid again - and I'm going for it!

[Ellie again]

One more thing to the authors:

My parents story of our lives and my story are complete opposites. You have read my story. I reread my story and I ask everyday, "What's so wrong with me that my parents hate me?". I'll never know the answer to that question.

But if you sat down with my parents today, they would probably say your stories are exactly alike. They see the past through different eyes than I do, but as their child, I lived through their abuse to me. I know what I experienced. I know I never felt love. They only know the fantasy they have created to support their controlling feelings.

It took me til the ripe age of 40 to buckle down and have nerve to question my parents and disagree with them and stand my ground. They think some unknown freek of nature changed me into some ungrateful hidious human being that was no longer their daughter. It just took that long for me to have the guts to speak out to them. I had always felt the way I expressed my feelings to them at that time, but never had the guts to say it.

I am not in any way saying you are like them. I don't think anyone in this world can be like them.

But maybe your reality and your daughters realities are quite different. Maybe they didn't change overnight, but were holding in feelings that for the one who seems to be the stronger of the 2, it took having a child and thinking through her childhood to realize things were not quite right with her and you. And then because of the strong relationship with her sister, she convinced her of the same feelings, or brought up old feelings with her also.

Wouldn't it be sad if I was writing here to you both today discussing my life and turned out to be one of your daughters? Of course you know that isn't true, but the wife said she and I have very similar pasts...