Bunny, I had forgotten just how wacky fifth grade can be! My mother was so different with me - mostly just saying "turn the other cheek" and not talking about solutions or giving credence to my angst. I feel vindicated knowing that I can be a help to my daughter - by realistically letting her know when she's a contributor to her own problem, but also letting her know when it's not about her and she doesn't deserve it - and best of all, helping her learn to handle it. More and more, she comes home with stories of how she thought quickly and on her feet when bulllied, whithout my help.
In one case, a boy was picking on her everyday in the hall, in front of his buddies, trying to make himself look important. She just looked at him one day, in front of the same friends, and said "I can see you really need my attention right now. Perhaps yopu don't get enough at home? What can I do to help?". Although I think in one way, it was a little harsh (maybe it was true, poor thing), it was also extremely effective and not a little bit funny. She said he turned bright red and didn't speak to her again for a week. Now he just behaves respectfully. And his buddies have remained respectful also. She says that boy is her friend now, sometimes. They play softball at recess.
Yes, GFN - bullying is a problem with my husband. It isn't constant, never was except for the year he ran off abruptly and had his meltdown (It defies imagination, the things he did and said at that time). Before that, I never named it as such, I just kind of got through the moment, either by dissolving or lashing back, and then got back to life afterwards.
He is and was often loving and tolerant (but sometimes moody and impatient, too - as he still is), but sometimes the bullying creeps back in if he's feeling nervous or uptight. I think on some level, he was never prepared for open conflict as a child (unlike me, who had conflict on an hourly basis, practically), so resorts to bullying (the child's way) rather than discussion, openess, and negotiation to get his points across.
What caused him to change his ways significantly, if imperfectly, was the realization that he was subjecting himself to serious personal losses. He states that the "golden moment" was when he realized that I would not ever be his friend again (I certainly thought that was the case at the time, and was staying as distant as humanly possible). At H's (slipped up ther, didn't I? That name is her father's pick, actually, but it is a good one) softball game, I brought the glove he had always used, smiled in front of others, but did not smile when I gave it to him at the car after the game, even as he was trying to be smiley with me. It was then, he says, that he realized that expecting me to care for him, like him, respect him et al was ridiculous, given what he was doing and how he used any and every means to justify it.
At that point, he went and got a therapist. This helped some, and the continuing explorations we share about the dynamic patterns of our childhoods also help, especially if he is escalating. This usually brings him back under control, if I can remember not to curl up into a ball, to stand up head-to-head and let him know that bullying won't be tolerated but that his feelings do matter, and then to address it with patience and understanding.
I wasn't able to convince him to change (I had already given up and was working at moving on) by negotiating, but I think the fact that my boundaries were clear, I had washed my hands of it all and didn't want anything to do with him more than was necessary, and wouldn't talk to him about his life ("I have nothing to offer yopu on this or any other subject aside from H's concerns. Perhaps you should talk to your girlfriend, instead") made him take notice.
To be hones, I was shocked when he called me some weeks after that softball game and asked if he could come talk to me - if I could get a sitter so that H wouldn't have to listen. I questioned him about his motives (I'm not interested in another rehash of the past, thank you. You have a life you seem to like (I really didn't believe that, BTW), why don't you just enjoy that and leave me out of it?), but he sounded very sincere and pretty chagrined in hi tone, so I decided to listen.
He came to see me that night. We sat in the living room (all his photos put away in drawers, except for the one in H's room), and he proceeded to tell me, crying, that he was sorry, That he had done some horrible things because he felt so out of control. That the girlfriend was just a prop to help him make himself feel better, but it hadn't worked. Nor had the rock star times(he was quite successful for a little bit). And that he was tired of tryiong to think he was right when he knew he was hurting so many people, especially me and H. And lastly, that he had ditched the girlfriend
(who - imagine this - had the gall to call me and complain how this was hurting her children!!!! Another story - you want N? I can give you N!!!! Perhaps I never speak of her, really, because I am not past my labeling and still sometimes give her too much power in my own mind. She was my "friend", and opportunistically inserted herself when his success was imminent and our marriage strained).
He said he knew he had no right to ask, but that I remained the best friend he had ever had, and could I think about trying again.
We both cried a lot that night, and many other nights to come we would cry more.
So we tried, a little at a time, for a few months, eventually moving back in together.
It's not perfect, but it's better - and it gets better in fits and starts all the time.
I feel relieved - because to me, he is also the best friend that I've ever had. That was the greates loss for me.
T
