Anything

[debkor]

Hi Starlight,

Thanks for the tip I'm going to try that.   The mouse is gone and I sure don't want any of his family coming by for a visit.  This little mouse that I have only seen this week twice did a number on the insulation that surrounds the oven on my stove.  It is being taken apart tommorrow and replaced.   That's alright because I didn't need to cook today since my frig/freezer broke.  All the food had to be thrown out but I did get to clean since I replaced my dryer that broke only two weeks ago (lol).   

I was also offered a 12 year old cat with no teeth but claws and a 7 year old cat with no claws but teeth.  Soooooooooooo...........whadda ya gonna do!!   Replace, Repair, Shop, and Adopt.


Deb

[Meh]

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/47034017

This photo strikes me as very odd. Just like most of humanity strikes me as very odd.

I like/luv art but a glass of water has more real practical value than a painted canvas. The machine gun???

How can the perceived value of an object become so great that a guy stands there threatening to kill somebody if they sneeze on it. Can you imagine being the artist in a time machine opening up the door then looking out to see a guy with a machine gun garding his painting and to know that it's worth more than what most people ever make in their entire lifetimes?

[sKePTiKal]

Absurd, isn't it?

I could go on & on, about this topic!! But, for now... my only observation is that when people NEED shelter, food & clothing (in that order)... it's absolutely rational to use that same Cezanne to patch a hole in a roof. Value changes with context, quite a bit. And if you've got shelter & clothing, the value is even less, because you can't eat the painting.

[Meh]

Today out of boredom I went through my clothes and tried to mix and match stuff to come up with something summery. Donated hand-me down stuff is plentiful but very random. I inherited a long dart fitted around the waste green hemp dress with a slightly broken zipper seam in the bottom back near the rear end of the long zipper. Also there was a nice black dress that has floral embroidery on the bottom but part of the embroidery is coming undone. I practiced having them on with shirts underneath and pants because it's still chilly outside for me. Rarely do I ever wear dresses, it's just been so long since I even bothered to try to look made up because I barely go anywhere. I don't have anybody that I would meet or money to spend to go out. Also, I just like to be comfortable. Somehow taking time even just to pat my hair down or paying attention to myself seems like a good thing to do. When I have something nice I feel like I have to save it for a better time/better occasion but it doesn't come really. Sort of like my grandmother that put the plastic covers on her furniture. (we would sit on top of the plastic covers). She died and the covers were still on the furniture from the 60's. I'm sure somebody collecting vintage furniture appreciated her efforts.

Guess it's a piece of the self-care stuff. I can wear the same outfit three days in a row here. Nobody notices or cares. It's often better to not be noticed here anyways.

"Emotional Illusions" Our brain creates emotions based on our unconscious state? --sound bite from a radio show.

[sKePTiKal]

The whole "dress up and look nice" = self-respect thing is questionable to me, too. It's always been that way.

Last night I went to an outdoor party (where hubs & I hosted & made margaritas non-stop for 2 hours) wearing my fat pants & a tequila brand t-shirt. OH right - I threw on a pair of my fav chinese earrings, too. A thunderstorm blew in as guests started to arrive and it pretty much rained the whole time, then the mosquitos swarmed. I met and chatted with a candidate for Congress, while we were in line for the buffet. I didn't have a spare second to think about how I was dressed or to feel self-conscious. And I usually hang out & talk to the guys - not the women - anyway. The "end of year" party for this group was the last one we attended. It's held at the country club, a sitdown dinner... and yes, people dress. I was in a totally foul mood, not feeling well... and on top of that, dressing up is de rigeur... (dress code and all that which is why we're NOT members of the cc). I was pretty much evil on wheels at that party - and miserable too. I don't like feeling pressured to "impress others" and feel their attempts to impress me with their wealth, importance, ego or whatever is the "real" socially incorrect; politically incorrect interaction. Push me on that - and you'll be unpleasantly surprised! (just can't help myself).

I'm at the age where I'm trying to disown how my body looks - to me. I put on dresses that I absolutely love the style of... that I could easily have worn and felt great and looked good in, 20 years ago... and well, to say I'm disappointed in how I look is a wild understatement. I keep the dresses, promising myself... OK, floor exercises... pilates... I know what I need to do - it's not that hard, just get started................ everyday, I go through the same crap in my head. Same thing in the pool (when it's warm enough) - I wade in up to my waist, right at the drop off - and freeze - unable to take the next step and launch myself into swimming laps. Best I've done so far - is one isolated session. Seems the next day, there's some "important" other thing to do. I'm not an inactive person either. I run up & down stairs every day. Just letting the dog out... doing the basic life chores... takes a lot more steps in this house, and I'm still doing all the housework and yardwork (except mowing). I NEED specific exercise... and can't do it - get right there and stop, latching onto any and every possible distraction, unconsciously and "on purpose".

Before I went to 1st grade, I had a pretty lavender organza dress that Grandma made me. I had to beg for a pair of white patent shoes; this was my easter dress (don't know where we went; wasn't to church). A hat even. My mom used to read me the riot act, because after she'd gotten me dressed (I wasn't allowed to do this myself at 6?)... she'd shoo me away to go play... and then I'd be SHAMED... because I'd scuffed those precious white shoes, which if you just look at them they'll be scuffed. The direct message from mom was: you can't dress up and look "pretty" for even 10 minutes!! What's wrong with you?! Now look what you've done - it's all your fault - and you're a problem I don't feel like dealing with. This pattern was repeated over & over & over in hundreds of ways... the most recent version, as I got ready for my Dad's funeral. Even her attempts to try to say something "nice" come out... awful. Like she's never done this and doesn't have a clue how it's done.

Unconsciously and on purpose -- avoiding a repeat of the shame-session??

I've been stocking my closet with cotton jersey lounge pants, cami's, and long sleeve tshirts. My grown up Dr. Denton's... they feel absolutely wonderful! light and soft and comforting... like being home sick and allowed to stay in your pj's all day -- the ONLY situation where my mom "took care of me". I was sick so much as a kid, that we had an on-going process with the school, for my homework. I never had a report card with perfect attendance. I even wear these "fuzzy pants" around my circle of family and close friends - the people who like me for me and I like them back. When I'm having one of those "self-care" days... I'm most definitely wearing these clothes. They're also kinda exercise clothes too... hee-hee! (no it doesn't help... and it's friggin' rediculous... I don't even fool myself... ) and I FEEL like I look good in them; sloppy yes... but it's the feeling good that seems to be the important element.

There's a boutique I like. It's usually a "special treat" to me, to go in and look around. They have "different" things and their focus is on clothes for older women - they have nothing for the hip, trendy, size 0 20-somethings. Fashionable, classy stuff - and just plain FUN stuff. I take hubs with me, when I go shopping there: he sees things that are great for me that somehow I miss. And his eye is trained, coz his mom was a professional seamstress. It's always a plus, when I can tell he thinks I look "hot" in something. This is one of those places where a sales lady will "take you under her wing" and make suggestions on accessories, etc and run back out and get you a different size, while you're trying on. That's really nice, isn't it? But for me... it simply doesn't work; it's produces a feeling of PLEASE just leave me alone... don't tell me to try this or that spanx undergarment (I can't breathe in those things - feel bad physically = feel bad emotionally, too)... let me look; let me feel how it fits; let me get hubs' opinion (he's good; always says - "if you like it, buy it" - but even that backfires sometimes, when I buy things I only WISH I felt I looked good wearing... sigh....). One time, I loved the color of this lightweight rain coat. It was ruffly and had puffy sleeves and straps on the cuffs... big buttons... and when I tried it on, I laughed so hard I almost peed myself!!! I looked like a munchkin from Wizard of Oz... or an oompa-loompa... there was so much fabric, in the "swing" style of it, to accomodate my inch or so taller than average height... that I looked like a ruffled, walking tent!! She didn't know what to suggest for my body; it's all just trial and error - and I no longer know - and well, isn't that the point where one should just give up? Let it go and wear a flour sack? Say the hell with it? I don't care what I look like and if anyone doesn't like it - tough? That's too sad; I don't wanna do that.

So, is this another mind-body connection issue? I wonder.... something's still enough "out of whack" here for me that I recognize the "stuckness" factor again. I get kinda pissed, too... that I have so much shame associated with my body... because we ALL deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin. And maybe it's just the way I'm dressing that body... or trying to... I just want my old form back - that was just fine; I don't want to be someone I'm not; I just want "me" back... I know how to dress her, even if it doesn't meet the normal "fashion rules" (I made up my own, with some unusual juxtaposition... like ripped blue jeans and a pretty white dress shirt...).

I LIKE appearing as if I were a "prim and proper" chocolate truffle or petit four... until the first bite of jalapeno pepper & cherry jelly inside.

Haven't rambled in a while. Maybe I can kinda see what still hurts here...

[Meh]

P: Contrary to what magazines show people, I think we are all supposed to age. I think it's just part of the life cycle you know.
I read somewhere that it's healthy and normal for people to add on a little bit of weight. That it's normal not to have six pack abs.
You know, if you go to a gym in the women's shower room NOBODY EVER looks like the airbrushed Victoria Secret people.
I haven't seen it. Maybe in Exclusive L.A. gyms everyone looks like Baywatch but not where I live. People just look like regular imperfect and odd nude people with cellulite and rolls or whatever and wine-stain birthmarks. Even the young people I've seen in the gym, they are all quirky.  

Nah, don't give up, maybe just give it a rest until you feel in the mood to do it. Also sometimes it's okay to try a lot of things I think. There is something to be said for comfy and classic.

Belts, they dress a lot of stuff up. You can wear comfy pants with a nice longish top and a belt over it.  Well I don't know if you can wear that to a country club--that would be hard for me to feel at ease doing. I don't think I have ever been to a country club ever (surprise).

Well, maybe you are just in the process of finding a new style. I find things that work and then I do it to death for years I go on auto pilot-"Slacks and sweaters"--I did it for years. I didn't wear jeans for about 8 years but now I've found it to be practical so I wear jeans again now.

There is a woman here, she has a shirt made out of a real flour sack. It's white and has some kind of blue bold lettering print on it.
 She is sort of a hippy type. I guess it's a fringe revival thing.


http://www.angelpig.org/floursack/floursack.html

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... that pix is great, Star!! You know, it kinda reminds me... at one time, I really thought I should start wearing a burkha (not that much different than a floursack dress) - because almost everything is hidden under it. That there was some real wisdom (in the beginning) to the style.

Naw, belts always hit right at the wrong place right now and are too short! I don't think they make pretty belts in horse-harness lengths... LOL!!!!

I haven't gotten larger side to side... it's that dreaded belly fat that's the problem; and higher up, too. That's only been an issue since menopause, you know. And it's definitely not a matter of calories ingested to calories burned... that's why I'm trying to re-balance hormones. And my D insists that I can and should do, some core ab work (and she might be on to something... those muscles also affect lower back... and I have had sciatica issues; despite my back strength I've always had weak stomach muscles). No, I'm not trying to turn back the clock and I've never been willing to invest the amount of time in how I "look" that's required for those people who go on camera. But this current "condition" simply doesn't feel good - and doesn't feel like me. And it's ONLY in that area; I look my butt's shrunk!! I can still wrap my right hand around my left wrist... and almost around my ankles.

Which brings me to an idea I haven't really talked about here. I have this chameleon reflex - unconsciously imitating the people I'm around. I try to be aware of it... and consciously resist mimicking... try to be a little more present than that. Well, the friend I've currently been closest to lately is way heavier than I am. And I know I've done this weird thing in the past - like with my best friend from HS, who's only 5-2... I slouch and try not to be so tall with her (unconsciously)... and I wonder if this extra weight is kinda like that? Like I'm changing myself to match my heavy friend... so she doesn't feel so bad? (and can ya hear all the dysfunctional crap in that idea??? If dysfunction were under the EPA, I might've been designated a "superfund site".) There's just so much wrong with that, that I kinda suspect there's some real truth in it. My mom's always been 190 lbs or heavier; she's only 5-4.

And maybe - maybe this is all some sort of hangover from all the other emotional stuff I've jettisoned; like the last clinging, hypochondriac-style, OCD-subliminal-scapegoat-designated "responsible", "independent" kid foo-role sludge... and it's all just waiting for me to remember what my T taught me: how to take a great big emotional sh*%&t. Stop thinking about it, stop the anxiety-treadmill, fergeddaboutit, and go do something fun or interesting instead. Read my HAM radio textbook. Clean up my sewing room and put everything away. Stop "talking" about doing something and just go "do it".

One more idea: The CEO of weight watchers is a guy. He explained that women do better with support, to stay on track... but men do better with competition. Except he thought women could also benefit from "friendly" competition. I've always responded to statements of - No, You can't do that - with a knock your socks off response; an "I'll show you". I've been really competitive, in other words. It's one of the defining aspects of hubs & my relationship even. I think I'm going to look for ways to put "challenge" into "wish, want"... I'll let you know if that works!

By the way, Star - I read this blog sometimes and the latest one, almost brought tears. It was dead-on descriptive of my FOO and who I was in it. I kinda thought you might find a glimmer of a reflection in it too. It's titled "Independent to a Fault":

http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com/


Thanks for chatting! I still need that kind of connection... you know?

[Meh]

Okay, No belts.

I hate sit-ups. There is an exercise you can do on your knees and the cross pull weight thingy. You kneel down and pull the weighted pulley thingy over your shoulder so you bend down. It isolates the stomach muscles better, doesn't strain the neck.  

I personally think there is a weird emotional component to stomach largeness. Like the emotions are held in that region?
Very new-agey. I thought at one point when I had a weird emotional shift my stomach/tummy area visually changed as well.  

Have you tried all the "gluten intolerance" trendy stuff? Bread makes me bloaty. And bread is something that I get a lot of because its available.

[sKePTiKal]

I think there's something to the idea about holding emotions in the body, Star. Like swallowing & processing negativity (hoping you won't get any on you)... or not letting something go... or heck, even like "insulation"... hiding behind...

I guess being able to think of examples would kinda point to my being enough like that... that if the shoe fits...

But for sure, pilates, yoga, and anything that targets the core muscles is called for. Swimming laps, even. Now to figure out how I can get someone to give me a push IRL... to get started. I'll put on the clothes, clear the floor, put in the disk even... and full stop. Just like a lot of other things, too. I get so ticked off at myself for this... that when I finally do get started I over do and sometimes injure myself. The old self-harm cycle, I guess. I need someone to say: betcha can't do this... or keep up... so that's the direction I'm going to go in... right after I.....  (which is the way it always is... sigh). I break all my appts with myself... because something else is more important... someone else needs something... and then I slide right on down the "list" until we're out of day... and repeat.

I don't buy a lot of hype about gluten intolerance. I do know some people who really are - they're seriously allergic to gluten. But grains were some the first domesticated plants; humans have been eating them for a long, long, long time. Maybe whole grains are healthier - in that the "good stuff" is usually in the bran; and maybe overly processed grain - the stuff that's left over in white flour or white rice - is edible... but just empty calories. Or maybe people break down into different food "types"** - like personality types - my hubby eats a lot of protein and starch. Doesn't gain a pound and he's the physically laziest person I've been around. Mentally, he's hyperactive though. I'm thinking I just need to completely give up animal protein for awhile (I'll still eat fish & eggs). I don't even have a taste for meat; it's boring... but I'll like the sound of brown rice & broccoli... a bulger salad... lentils... all stuff my hubs asks: what IS that?

**This idea keeps coming back to me. The medical people are trying to say from on high: THESE are the new food rules to be healthy. And then, a year or two later, they change their minds or a new study proves the opposite. What I'm thinkin' is that for a certain food-type person those rules WERE right. But for some other folks, it's absolutely the wrong thing to do. Just like the hormone supplements I'm taking... "may cause drowsiness" the label says. But in me - it does just the opposite; it's like a mega caffiene rush. Not everything is like that, either... though if I drink too much coffee, it does actually put me to sleep. Some of these herbs, I can actually sense a change in how my brain is working - like some pile of dusty stuff has been shoved to the side, windows thrown open, and there's a nice fresh breeze blowing in. And that's using a way smaller dose than recommended. I've had to adjust a whole lot, to be able to still feel "kinda normal"; doesn't take much to make me feel "race-y"... zoom-zoom... but the downside is halfway through a sentence I'll go blank or I'll get where I'm going & forget what I was going to do. (There is some recognized connection with hormones and neuro-activity and health. But that's not my interest... it's losing that tummy fat.)

Example: people with type2 diabetes or insulin resistance... or "x factor" even (a metabolic precursor to other crap)... diet is critically important for these folks and the whole glycemic index diet seems to help a lot. But it's not right for everyone. I keep wondering how the generation of kids who were given soy milk instead of whole cow's milk will fair with osteoporosis in the future. Maybe they'll be just fine. But does this mean some will develop an intolerance for dairy products? Because they haven't had it?

And how would a doc (or a mom even) be able to tell what kind of "food type" someone is? There aren't any types defined yet... but if we had the job of defining them... what would they be? And I wonder, would your personal food type change in different life stages??

[sKePTiKal]

It's funny how casual conversations can lead to ideas. I've just gotten one, from this particular one.

It's as if I have a phobia - an irrational fear - about taking care of myself; doing what I know I know how to do, that I need to do... and I most definitely know why this is, after all this time.

It deserves a thread unto itself. Thanks - bunches! - Star.

[Meh]

Like what type of taking care of yourself?

[sKePTiKal]

Oh hon, the list is so boring - it's the same old crap:

lose 20 lbs (and eating healthier)
quit smoking
start practicing tai chi regularly
update my wardrobe

Those sorts of things. I was trained to associate those sorts of self-care with people who are stuck-up, arrogant, self-indulgent to a fault, bossy, selfish, (or deluded), or ..... well, just N. People who have the time... who aren't (a victim) like the mom-mantra tape goes in my head: working, taking care of kids or others, "getting things done", yadda - yadda, BS... That "self-sacrificing" victim list is full of things that are supposed to be so "important" -- that I must (if I have any sense) abuse myself, crack the whip, go on & on without rest or assessing "progress"... and if I drop in my tracks, I'm still a failure because I wasn't strong enough to endure.

I would really like to be able to this part of my self, surgically removed. Erased, f-disk'd, deleted. Long story. And it ties in so well with the idea I was getting (and something else I've been thinking about)... but I guess it hasn't gelled enough for me to start that thread. And I'm still kinda obligated to finishing up all the self-created misery/abuse I referred to above... the evil "to-do list" of things.

[Meh]

The same old crap is new all over again? Sort of like when fashion designers bring back the 70's and the 80's and the peplum whenever that was popular.

Maybe there is something about looking at the same old crap differently or just closer. Or not.
Look at this flip flops:

http://www.oasap.com/creepers/8012-rhinestone-embellished-flip-flop-style-sandals-with-skidproof-sole.html

http://www.fibiandclo.com/Shop/   ----I bet Walmart has something like this.  

For the losing weight thing. How about just doing the physical exercises that make you feel good and forget about losing the 20lbs.

Remember *** Do the activity for 15 mins a day every day***  

I wish I was doing tai chi also, I only tried it for a month or two then I moved to another area and didn't have access to the same teacher, of course there are people everywhere that do it. I walk a lot. I wonder if there is like a sit in your chair version of tai chi for elderly people?

When I can't get out of bed (hasn't been a problem lately but it was in the past) I would just rotate my arms in bed like I was swimming it would help me get up. Maybe you can make up like a lazy tai chi routine? I wonder what is the minimum amount of time a person needs to do tai chi per day to get some benefit from it...hum. It's sort of a long--slow descent into the flow of it. Maybe it can't be abbreviated that much.  

Smoking. Did you ever try patches and like prozac just for the duration of quitting? Did you talk to your doctor about all of the supportive tactics they have. Like phone consultants. There are "quit lines" or something.
My mother did quit about after seven or so times, she tried a lot, now its been like 10 years or something she doesn't do it anymore.

I'm wearing a purple gypsy/greek/maternity type top that is used. Its new to me. Used jeans.
Sometimes it doesn't have to be like perfect great stuff, it just needs to be different that's all.

I get lots of random stuff that is donated. If I like something I ferret it away and then another piece comes along that goes with it sometimes. And then sometimes I just wear frumpy stuff.

I have stinky tennis shoes. I walk a lot and I wear them out and I get dirt inside of them.

I'm pretty thin but I still have to try on a lot of stuff until I find something that fits me properly and is the right color etc. Doesn't really matter what a person's body type is, I think it is work if you are not having fun doing it.

Silky fluttery light as air stuff fabric is in style for summer. You could just start by spending a few days trying to find a pair of sandals you really like. That shouldn't be too hard right? Fun shoes.  

If you are retired you get to just have stuff you enjoy though right? It doesn't have to be business appropriate.
Are you just trying to pick out stuff for country club events? It doesn't sound like you are getting much personal enrichment out of it.

[Meh]

I'm not encouraging Peplums, I doubt it's a trend that will last long but we can always look at them:
It's like a dust ruffle for a woman's thighs.

http://whatshaute.com/index.php/2011/09/haute-buy-aqua-klingon-peplum-skirt/

http://theglitterguide.com/2012/02/29/style-file-peplum/

http://www.the949styleguide.com/2012/01/pretty-peplum.html

[sKePTiKal]

Peplums got their start back in the early 40s, I think. BUT - the idea was a modified version of the really old crinoline or hoop skirts... which you could probably trace all the way back to the mideaval styles of royalty... Elizabeth I, and Shakespeare's day.

Between the pollen counts, the seesaw changes in barometric pressure (I am a human barometer) in my sinuses, being physically tired -- and disgusted with myself for something that I am still trying to work out and be able to talk about -- I think I'm just a tad depressed. Can't quite accept a real "time out" to rest/recover... really, really need the "mothering", comfortable, chatty conversation we're having... and think I'm a slob for needing it, too. So, I know I'm partly responsible for how I feel right now - and meh! - I'm just not motivated to change it right now, either. (This will come back to haunt me -- and then I'll be PO'd again -- when I try to move mountains, to get caught up with all the stuff that needs "doing" right now -- but I'm just not into it so I'm ignoring it.)

I thought maybe my happy, hippie hairdresser would perk me up yesterday -- but we didn't talk much. I practically fell asleep in the chair tho - that's how deeply relaxed I let myself be. He was cool with that. And maybe I needed that too. No thought, just drifty... and I found out the band Hot Tuna is still touring! HaHa... the drummer's in his 70s and needed to be helped onto his drum kit onstage. Kinda scary picture, when you think about it. I need to dig out their CD if I have it... I can't remember the one speed guitar song they had on the radio, that I liked.

And - this odd thought crossed my mind - that since the weekend, when we went up to the old house to work and get it on the market... I wondered if maybe way underneath the "causes" of my meltdown was the fact of grieving the "letting go" of it. Hubs actually had a breakthrough the other direction - everything, with very limited exceptions, in his garage was up for grabs or headed for the landfill (thanks to the kindness of a group of people way younger than us). He and I have only lived one other place than that house, too. A huge part of "us" wrapped up in it... and letting that go...  but we're not firmly engaged in the new house/community yet. We're both working on that, differently - together & apart.

What about you Star? are you still working with the same T? You sound like you're in a pretty "clear" space right now; like you're getting more solid and building up energy to have a "next phase"...