Hi 2cents:
Thankyou for saying that you like my posts. There is a lot of stuff in them eh? Sometimes.......maybe too much stuff? Maybe not, other times?
Thanks for reading.
how do you please somebody who gets upset if you DO do something (raging and carrying on) and equally upset if you DON'T do something?
It's probably not possible.
I really tried to help this person with whatever I had ...
This is not selfish. The person lied to you big time about that.
...the rational part of my mind knew that the person was projecting their own issues on to me...
Yay for rational parts!!!
Glad this kicked in!!
I was very angry that this person treated me this way...
No kidding? Who wouldn't be? And hurt?
...but I'm afraid of conflict, and this fear was definitely used against me.
Which might produce even more anger, maybe?
Anger as a weapon is a bad thing, but as a defence it is necessary IMO
I agree/disagree???
Like the dork that tried to rob/attack me, in the deep depths of the dark subway station, late at night (where I should not have been alone
).....who was really looking quite terrified, after I let loose a little on him (a lot really, but who's counting
). It was a defense to use my anger....to stop this jerk from having control of the situation....to protect myself.....scare him...my weapon. It was a terrifying risk to do it. I was totally afraid inside....but.....on the outside......I looked like some nutbar that had escaped from some locked up place....and it worked. I had no other way that I could think of to escape/scare him away.
That's one kind of example of using anger as a defense/weapon....???
that actually worked. Thank God!! Hey! In that case, it was both eh? That's why I wrote: "agree/disagree???"
Anger (as I understand it) is a signal and a warning that something is not right, and needs to be expressed.
Bingo!!! It's the expression of it, I think, that can be debated. Some people think it's ok to yell and scream at others, destroy their property, or do stuff.......and later using the excuse that they were angry. Personally, I don't buy this one at all. Much is a choice. Choosing how to release angry feelings in ways that won't hurt others is best. Sometimes, we make mistakes, don't do it that way, say and do stuff because we feel angry and allow ourselves to lose control, that hurts other people. That's when it's time to have courage, be brave, appologize, take responsibility for our behaviour, try to make up for it, work on changing it (if it is occurring with any kind of frequency).
It is also something that happens in the moment - a reaction if you will.
I have a hard time with this. I believe we choose to react. In a split second, many thoughts run through our minds. We pick one of them and act. We say....."I'm outta here" and walk away, or we say....."ok...I'm gonna let myself freak", silently somewhere in our heads, and go ahead and do those things. I just don't buy the "I lost control" excuse. I think we choose to allow ourselves to lose control. That's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
Rage on the other hand is unspecified, and can linger/ accumulate and "erupt" without specific triggers.
That's a very interesting statement. I've never thought of rage erupting without a trigger before. Is it possible....the person may not be aware of what the trigger is but that it still exists???
I've never learned how to express my anger (frowned upon when I was a child), having learned instead to repress it, ...
I wonder how many people here can relate to this? Lot's I bet. Me included.
My opinion, as luny as it may sound, is that repressing it....temporarily...may not be such a horrible thing. I realize, some people repress it for a very long time, and so it could erupt or cause lingering depression and other problems and that's not good.
But.......the good I see in the awful experince many of us had a children is that we, theoretically, should be fairly good at repressing our anger and therefore less likely to react with rage/let loose/allow ourselves to lose control. If we are lucky enough to find ways to get it out, in safe ways, when appropriate.....we, theoretically should be the least likely to rant and ruin people.
It's those triggers......that seem to cause some to explode. Those carrying huge buckets of anger, repressed, for years and years, suddenly....something......sets it free?? Bottom line. They choose to, after all this time, stop trying to repress it....and worse....allow it allllll to come out in an instant. Not good. Not good at all most times (unless......someone is trying to rob/attack you and you maintain in your mind...that you will only try your best to scare the person...heehee
Even then....a limit is set...a choice is being made).
...the result has been long-term depression, lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I'm so sorry that you have been through all of this, 2cents. The good I see is that you are here and working your way through it all. I really believe the very best way to improve self-esteem, lift depression and build confidence is a combination of:
Thinking and Doing.
1. Thinking positive thoughts about self.....I am good, etc. (even if you have to force yourself at first)
and
2. Doing things that feel good, express self, setting and reaching goals....like warm baths, writing or crafts/arts, "I will walk the dog for 10 minutes today"...that kind of stuff...whatever adds good, comfort, expression and challenge to your life.
The more of this one does, the more comfort, release and success is felt/experienced, which only encourages more of the same...better feelings about self/confidence and discourages depression. This is not to say that we should spend our whole day bathing and playing with play dough, while taking breaks to walk the dog and thinking wonderful things about ourselves. But little bits of these two things add up and do indeed help most people feel better about themselves and enjoy their lives a little more. And maybe.....if we are really down....it wouldn't hurt to take a day, some days and just focus on these things??
So I would argue that anger is necessary and even healthy, whereas rage is damaging.
I think I might add that anger needs to be released in healthy ways and rage is a sign that that hasn't happened. Rage is a warning that anger has been repressed waaaay too long.....unless that rage is purposely planned.......such as in a case of self-defense/as a weapon to preserve life....with limits.
Whew! It's amazing what a little kindness and concern can do... Posting this has helped me shed a few real tears, and it feels great after all this time.
(((((((((((2cents))))))))))
The tears need to come out too. Maybe letting them out prevents some anger too? I'm glad you're posting and expressing yourself.
Please take or leave whatever helps/doesn't.
GFN[/quote]
