Anything

[Brigid]

Butterfly,
I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's diagnosis.  It is wonderful you can all support one another through a very difficult time.

((((((Butterfly)))))))))

God bless,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Dear Butterfly:

I'm very, very, sorry to hear about your mother's condition and that it can't be treated.  ((((((((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))))))))).
My prayers will be that she will not suffer/be kept comfortable and that you will not suffer too much either.       Also that her passing will be peaceful.  This is a very difficult time for your family.  I'm so sorry.

Are your sibblings and you close?  I hope so.  I hope you will support eachother, as that will help.  You will get through this, regardless Butterfly!    Please take care of you too.

My thoughts and prayers are for you and your family Butterfly.
I wish there were more I could do or that I could ease the pain somehow.



Hiya 2cents:

you are bigger than your shame. Confront it. Show it who is boss. Never let it be bigger than you. Never let it overpower you. Wrestle with it, if you must.

This is powerful stuff Butterfly wrote.  It makes sense to me too.

For me, shame is very similar/usually connected with guilt.  I try to put it into that same regret form by making it into a sentence listing an action.

"I feel ashamed because I did blank".

Then I can reword it, once more and say:

"I regret that I did blank".

If I can't find something I did, some action, that is causing my shame, then that might be a clue that I'm blaming myself for stuff that isn't mine.

You're right. I'm not in touch with my sadness.

I'm glad you started seeing the therapist and hopefully he/she will help you to get in touch with this deep emotion.  My bet it that it is sitting in there, at the root of your pain, the core.   It just seems so logical that the huge losses you withstood as a child needed to be grieved thoroughly.  You said that didn't really happen.   Finding and then releasing that sadness might be your ticket to healing???  It just seems like a very heavy weight for any child to be carrying around, for such a long time.

I had a friend and her mother used to always say:  "There's a little child in all of us that never grows up!"

My friend's mom nurtured the child parts of people and made it seem ok to do that.  It is ok ya know.  The child in you is still there, just older now.  That child needs to be loved and nurtured and my bet is.....allowed to grieve the loss of her mom.   That child did nothing to deserve such loss.  That child will feel much better, I bet, once she is acknowledged and allowed a voice and a chance to really express her feelings.

What I was doing was 'holding' the world for myself until it was 'safe' (i.e. I reached adulthood) to let go. Only problem is, once I reached adulthood I was too scared to let go even though - in survival terms - I had 'made it'.

This makes complete sense.  What happened re that therapist?  Why did the therapy end?  (if you feel comfy answering....if not, no problem).

I gotta go through the pain to let it go, right?

It almost sounds like a chore, doesn't it?  I think it's just buried deep inside where it feels safe, maybe?  The little girl (you) had no one to soothe her in her grief (((((((((little 2cents))))))))).  She felt so alone and maybe afraid?  Maybe, it will be a safer time soon to grieve?  Maybe the therapist will help make if feel safe?  Maybe the board will help it feel safe?  Maybe it's not really work to find and go through the pain but more of a feeling of comfort thingy?  If you feel relaxed and safe, maybe it will come out easier and you can release all that grief and sadness, a little at a time (if need be), then even the anger, if there is any left.  If you feel like you are in a place where you don't feel so alone and unsafe, it might not be such a chore at all?  Maybe the T and your friends here will help to "hold" the world for you, while you release your grief?

I hope so, 2cents.

The switch grass equation? (Maybe you wanna copyright that one - great story!

Thanks 2cents, for the compliment.  I love the title:  "The switch grass equation" !!  Sounds like "The French Connection" or some equally mysterious spy-like story title eh?        

Thing is.....there is no real mystery.  It's a matter of taking some boring, mundane, energy requiring household task and turning it into an emotion releasing excercise.  Not tricky really.  It's just something many of us might not think to do but once you try it, you might find it a great way to get tasks done while doing a bit of purging.  Works for me, anyhow.  
   

I'm thinking I've just never really felt safe enough to transfer my fear onto another person - REALLY transfer it - and then TRUST that person to be there while I go through the process. Scary thought, but I'm really proud I'm even remotely able to approach it on a cognitive level now. In the past I just never got it.

Good for you 2cents!  I guess I was sort of saying something similar above there.  You can think of it as transfering or simply releasing the pain.  Getting it out is what matters eh?  You'll get to the next level!  I know you will!!  



Hey there Longtire!  Good to see you posting here!

 Sometimes I worry that others will see my tagline and think that I am N.  When I worry about that I just remind myself of all the tiny steps over all the years that I had to take to get to this point.

Good for you Longtire!  One of the toughest things to do sometimes is to stop worrying about what other people "think" (because we'll never really know anyway) and start concentrating on what feels right, good and healthy for us!  Your tag line says all that to me!  Congratulations on ignoring the fear and using a tag line of your choice!  There is absolutely no shame in that!!  Only a sense of expressing self!  Good for you!

Hope everyone has a peaceful day!

GFN

[2cents]

Dear Butterfly,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. You are all in my thoughts,

((((()))))

2cents

[2cents]

Hey all,

My pc is on the blink so I may be absent for a little while, but you are all in my thoughts,

((((all))))

2cents

[Lara]

Dear Butterfly,
I'm sorry you've had such sad news about your mother. Both my parents had similar illnesses to your mother's, and there's no doubt that the time ahead will be tough for all of you, but also perhaps it will be an opportunity for showing love in a practical way, to the members of the family who you are close to.
I hope it will help you a little, to know that people here will be thinking of you everyday, and will be happy to 'listen' if you want to share how you are feeling.

Much love,
Lara.

[mum]

Butterfly, I will add my voice to the prayers for you and your dear mother. Bless you.

[Guesting]

I'm sorry for your sadness.

[Plucky Guest2]

Today will be the day to break the news to her. I hear of death all the time. But, not until it hits home does it become real and raw. I've never had to face the prospect of death of someone close to me til now.

How did that go, butterfly?  Are you alright?

[Butterfly guesting]

Hi PluckyGuest2

I've decided to post a reply to your question on another thread, "Mother has the "C" word."  Since the preceding topic to my situation hasn't come to closure yet, I didn't want to divert attention from it.

Butterfly

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

 

Since the preceding topic to my situation hasn't come to closure yet, I didn't want to divert attention from it.

No worries, Butterfly.  Talk here too, if you want to.

2cents wrote that her pc is on the blink.  Sorry to hear that 2cents!
What a pain eh?  Hope it isn't too serious/gets fixed soon!  I was glad last time, when it seemed like mine was done like dinner and it ended up only being the telephone line!

Did I post this one yet (coming up)??  Age is taking it's tole on my memory, I gotta tell ya.  If I did, I appologize for the repeat.



Life's Lessons

1. You will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think they are irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The ”failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately ”works”.

4. A lesson is repeated until learned… A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go to the next lesson. Periodically, the lesson will be re- presented to see if you still remember it.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. If no lessons is being presented, it is likely that you are no longer alive.

6. ”There” is no better than ”here”. When your ”there” has become a ”here”, you will simply acquire another ”there”. That will again look better than ”here”.

7. Others are simply mirrors of you. You  will not love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you make of them is up to you; the choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this. That fact is itself a lesson.

~author unknown~


Hope your day is a good one!

GFN

[mum as guest]

Thanks, GFN for the great "list"!!!!

[2cents]

Ditto what mum said GFN! PC still on the blink so am at the library (I love libraries!) Therapist (state therapist -  think NHS for comparison) has to "talk things over" with her colleaugue about whether or not I should start therapy.   I'm just glad I've still got my hypnotherapist cause he actually cares...

Love to all,

2cents

[butterfly guesting]

Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen and trust.

That's a good reminder for me.   Thanks for posting it, GFN

I'm just glad I've still got my hypnotherapist cause he actually cares...

I'm glad for you too, 2cents.   A hypnotherapist, eh?  That sounds very fascinating stuff.  I've never had exposure to professional help before, so going to see a therapist, a hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist, etc. all sound very interesting to me.

Butterfly

[guesting again]

shame can be used as a crutch. How so? Because it keeps you crippled. It keeps you weak. Sure, it may feel safer to lean on it than to confront it and disassociate with it.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about shame, and I can't help but refer back to what I thought of shame at the time I wrote the above statement.  I want to explore this concept in a broader sense.  I wonder if shame is a mindset or feeling that can or needs to be disposed of??  It seems to make perfect sense to respond to this question with an affirmative answer  But, upon further examination in a different light, I think shame can be thought of as a feeling just like happiness, anger or sadness.  Shame is the effect not the cause.  Instead of trying to discard of shame as an unwanted enemy of growth, perhaps, it can be valued as an ally.  Probably, it is more logical to compare shame to the feeling of hunger.  When we are hungry, it is telling us that our body needs food.  In the same way, when we feel shame, it is telling us we need psychological food at that particular moment.  And if we don't feed it, we will be malnourished psychologically.  For example, I may feel ashame of myself for wanting approval of my physical appearance from others.  That feeling of shame is letting me know that I have a basic need to receive approval and I need to satisfy it somehow.  If I listen to my shame, I would be aware of this need and tell myself its okay to want approval, b/c this is what I need to feel whole.  Besides everyone needs approval.  The role of shame is to make me aware of the very need for which I feel shameful of.  Just like hunger makes me aware of my need for food.  If I don't listen to my hunger, I will suffer adverse effects from not eating.  The feeling of hunger will disappear once I feed myself.  In the same way, shame will disappear once I feed myself of the very thing I feel shameful of.  So in a real sense, shame can be used as an ally.  It needs not be crutch at all.

My thoughts continue to evolve.  Does anyone have a different perspective on this whole concept of shame or anything else to that effect?  Do I make any sense to anyone, if not I would be interested to hear your take on it.

Butterfly

[Plucky G2]

Having experiences much shame, I think of it as allowing someone else to decide for us what is right.  If we decide, we have no shame because we are in tune with what we think.  If someone else judges us, we can have a mismatch between what we do and what is approved by the Other.