Things I wish I could tell my ex

[Brigid]

Lara,

Was I a complete idiot to feel hopeful and excited when he said those things, instead of looking at the reality of the situation, ie that he was living with her, sharing every aspect of his daily life with her, and planning a future with her?

I think the complete idiot will turn out to be the new girlfriend when she eventually wakes up and smells the coffee.  I wonder how she would feel if she knew he was saying these things to you.  He thrives on manipulation and you are clearly beginning to see that.  

Don't ever think of yourself as the idiot.  Think of yourself as the very lucky lady that you are that you got away in time before anything of permanance happened, i.e., marriage or children.  Just keep moving away from him and never look back.  Be proud of your growing strength and resolve to leave him in the dust.

Hang in there Lara, you are going to be fine.      

Brigid

[Lara]

Dear Brigid and Mudpup,
What would I do without the understanding of people like you! Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Until I had this experience with my ex, I never realised how another person could completely scramble one's mind, so skilfully that it's not possible at the time to realise who is doing the scrambling.
I will try to stop being hard on myself, and I do realise more and more all the time how he was playing me, but as for Mudpup's idea that one day I will look at my ex as the idiot...I'm not so sure about that. After all, he got exactly what he wanted from me, and then moved on to get what he wanted next from somebody else. Doesn't that make him sick but clever?!

Sincerest thanks again,
Lara.

[2cents]

Hey Lara,

If he hasn't dealt with the problem he's not getting anything at all from anyone else.  He's just getting a distorted image of what he thinks he needs. Probably not even that. More like a watered-down version of what he really wants, and therefor something closer to what he can handle. He can't handle the real thing, so he chooses a reflection of it. Don't beat yourself up: you are trying to handle your own side of things, and you need to do that to make sense of your life and your choices. Don't feel bad. You are making mature and responsible choices. Without judging, it's the thing that separates you from your ex. Be proud and happy that you can do that. From the sounds of things he can't do that, which is his loss. Good luck and much courage and strength to you,

(My) 2cents

[(andrea)]

[quote
 They act on it in a very negative way through retaliation, sadism, attempts to destroy the good things. This is how they operate for survival at a deep level.
bunny[/quote]

I just found this from bunny...This is SO true. I'm usually a pretty hyper, happy person. If I was having a day when I was bouncing around like a "Tigger" happy about something, he just couldn't deal with it. He would squash my "happies" as fast as he could. I think he loves people (family/friends) who are depressed, or going thru crap so he can play savior to them with his grand knowledge and deep insight. (Excuse me...BullSh**...I sneezed)

I remember him once looking at me and said something like, I"m in the mood to destroy something beautiful". I looked at him blankly and was like What? He looks at me and says..."YOU".

He sucks me like a vampire of my happiness, joy of life, innocence of how evil he can be, and uses it  almost like a salve to his emotional wounds. But his gash in his heart is so deep, it will never be enough to fill.

[mum]

Andrea: wow, is that all present tense?  I certainly hope not.  I feel for you, though.  The absolute evil of what he admitted to (destroying you) is not just a red flag, it's a red sky, walls, building.............
My sister told me that while I was with my ex he "crushed my spirit".  And she was exactly right.  The N's can't stand those of us who wear our happiness outwardly....whose presence brings light to others, that is why they are so very threatened by us!  

I think often of how good and evil, or darkness and light work in this world, and I have only to look as far as my children's father to see it in action.
I hope you are well, and the man you talked of here is indeed in your past.

[Portia]

Hi Robin

your ex's had told you that you would be happier without them.

It’s a way of them appearing to be caring while shifting any blame or responsibility from them to you. It’s YOUR need to be happier that is causing a break-up, not their behaviour. You take all the blame and guilt, they don’t want it….classic spin.   Sorry.

[Brigid]

Robin,

but you guys were talking about how a few of your ex's had told you that you would be happier without them.

If you were referring to me as one of those people, I will clear up the misunderstanding.  He never told me I would be happier without him.  Quite the opposite.  He told me he had a new relationship that made him happy and that's what he wanted to pursue.  It was my therapist who said that his leaving MAY have been out of some distorted level of caring of me because he knew he could never be good enough for me.  That perhaps the only way he could see to do that was to completely destroy my faith and trust in him by engaging in and admitting to behaviors that I couldn't live with.  

There's more to it, but that's the gist of it.  Through a great deal of therapy, I have learned how much happier I will be without him, but it definitely took me some time to get to that conclusion.

Brigid

[sleepyhead]

Andrea:

I'm usually a pretty hyper, happy person.

Godd to hear!  But sorry to hear about the way he treated you...    They are emotional vampires, they are threatened by your happiness b/c that is something they can never have. My xNbf used to always put me down when I was happy or excited about something. He had a truly remarkable talent for making me feel ridiculous and small. On the other hand he hated it when I was depressed and didn't hesitate telling me so . Very supportive. I guess they just hate us having feelings, b/c they don't? Anyway, from another thread I gathered that you are no longer with your N (you are dre, right?), and I hope that still is true. Hang in there, it will get better. Remember the old saying: The best revenge is living well.

[Stormchild]

Remember the old saying: The best revenge is living well.

Heck, with most of the Ns I've known, living AT ALL was more than adequate revenge. You're breathing their air!      

[Anonymous]

After all, he got exactly what he wanted from me, and then moved on to get what he wanted next from somebody else. Doesn't that make him sick but clever?!

It makes him a parasite who sucks the life out of people. And look at what he wants in life: to use people. That is kind of stupid.  You aren't an idiot, you were just naive. That isn't a crime. And you've learned from the experience, while he has learned nothing.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Do you really think they had a moment of "caring" ?  Or do you think it was nothing more than another manipulation trick to make you "think"  that they might actually care.  Because if you think they care, that makes it so much harder to let go.  Which gives them  greater control and a greater ability to hurt you.   I only ask because I have heard the same thing,  but I never really knew what to think of it.  I know my initial reaction was to argue the point and try and convince him that I would be happiest with him.  Which to me seemed like he was searching for attention and admiration - his "supply" so to speak.

Yes they can have moments of caring. But they can't sustain the caring for more than five minutes. Then they revert back to selfishness. In a relationship we need a lot more caring than they can ever give.

If someone says, "You'll be happier without me," take it very seriously. It's a warning. The initial impulse is to argue, "No I am very happy now, I wouldn't be happier without you." But ultimately the warning is accurate and you will find that you will, indeed, be happier without them.

bunny

[Stormchild]

If someone says, "You'll be happier without me," take it very seriously. It's a warning. The initial impulse is to argue, "No I am very happy now, I wouldn't be happier without you." But ultimately the warning is accurate and you will find that you will, indeed, be happier without them.

They do telegraph their punches, don't they? When I look back on the non-family Ns I have been around, every one of them has come out with some kind of announcement like that. It's like a rattlesnake buzzing before it strikes!

[Anonymous]

you guys were talking about how a few of your ex's had told you that you would be happier without them. Do you really think they had a moment of "caring" ? Or do you think it was nothing more than another manipulation trick to make you "think" that they might actually care.

This is my take on this type of comment. I think it is one of those comments thrown out to test the response. Its a test only. Kind of like a big juicy worm on a hook. They're fishing for a compliment and supply. The preferred response of course is "Oh no I will always be happier with you." That is supply and demonstrates his control.

A distant second is a sincere "You're probably right" That confirms his suspicions about your lack of loyalty and gives him a chance to throw a hissy fit. They always appreciate confirmation of the 'disloyalty' of others.

Last would be taking his advice and just leaving. At that point their control is gone and they are left with raging away to try and win you back or just harm you. I think that is their least favorite option. I'm sure they get some 'joy' out of it but not like having us  under their thumbs.

They're so insecure and unsure of their supply everything is always a test to see if you're a loyal supplier or not.

That's what I've seen anyway.

mudpup

[(Andrea)]

At the end of your posts, you have a line from a song from the band "garbage" (Yes) Rip to shreds and let it go? I like that band a lot..what song is that from?

Thanks
Dre

[sleepyhead]

Hi Andrea, the line from Garbage is from the song "When I Grow Up", of the album "Version 2.0". (The song also includes the brilliant line that Portia quoted on another thread: "When I grow up I'll be stable", I'm still waiting for that ).