Just want all concerned to know that BF and I have a clear plan of how to handle this, and we used all your comments as input in our decisions.
It was especially useful for the feedback from you all who encouraged my right to have boundaries of behavour in my own house. How easy it is to concede that right when I was an adult before I thought of myself as having any rights whatsoever. How easy it is to then overcorrect and give kids ALL the rights.
Anyway, our non-negotiable rule for son is he must show respect for his dad (and me, when dad is not present) when dad tells him to do something. he is not allowed to argue. BF is prepared to tell son to pack a bag, and drive him to bus station if he will not back down. (Hopefully, he will cave in on the ride over; in which case he can return..) Son will also know that sarcasm or other hurtful comments directed towards a person or something that person holds dear, are not allowed in our home. For these he will lose priveleges. If he does not cease further abuse when asked to, he will have to leave.
Son will only be required to respect parental authority and refrain from abusive comments; he is not required to LIKE us, however. He is not required to accept my daughter nor myself as family members. By making this optional- his choice- it is our hope that he will eventually choose to consider his household a family. I just think that forcing it isn't going to work.
Again, thanks, hugs and blessings,
Delphine
