Thanks everyone, that helps. I am still feeling confused but that may just be their legacy! It is just very confusing.
Paz, my parents are very similar to your mother. They said in their e-mails that they are happy and don't see why I can't be happy. Why do I blame my childhood for my problems, they say. Why can't I look at the bright side of things?
Ok, so this response has nothing to do with anything that is going on. I didn't say I blamed them for my "problems" (except for weirdo parents, I wouldn't say I really have problems!-- my life is full of wonder and joy right now). And I am really optimistic, to a fault. That's why I didn't look at the truth for so long. I just didn't believe it! Utterly didn't. I still have trouble believing it.
And-- my mother had a lot of seriously awful things happen to her in childhood. She never talked about it and still doesn't. Her mother never talked about it either, not a word. And I am talking at the level of daddy left never to be heard from again, with the secretary. But daddy is never mentioned forever after. Same with my dad-- his standard response to any question about his feelings or his past was always complete and utter silence.
So maybe that's the key? Not that it's my job to find the key, I agree, but it does help me capture the pathology in my mind. They have no ability to deal with trauma, because they weren't taught to do so. Everything feels like a threat to their self-hood (which doesn't really exist in solid form) so they just spend all of their time defending.
And they spent so many years lying about what did and didn't matter to them, that now they have no idea what the truth is.
Plus I'm betting there is a ton of repressed anger toward everyone who didn't provide for them (and toward family in general). All of that got plopped right onto the family that they then made.
I feel anger and jealousy and hostility from them, buried but there. I always feel it, even when they are telling me loving things or doing nice things for me. I don't feel it with anyone else but them (except maybe my sister) so I don't think I made it up. I am wondering if all of that cauldron of unexamined stuff is what makes them so odd, and so hopeless.
(yes, I know I'll never know! But it helps me to process it, and it really helps me to hear from you all. Thanks.

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