Being a good daughter

[Anonymous]

Ns will use any excuse to project on to you so you can be the "guilty" one. This way they can get out of any responsibility for their part of the relationship.

Wow!  Patz!  You say some of the wisest things sometimes!  That makes so much sence and really hits home for me.  Right on!

GFN

[mum]

Yup, I agree with GFN, Patz. You hit the nail on the head with that one. It really makes sense if I apply it to all the N's in my life!

[Lara]

Ditto from me Patz! That was a really helpful post you wrote;I specially like your observation that if something requires an effort on the part of an N, then they will not do it.

Thanks,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Hi Greta, Patz and all,
My experience has been similar to Patz's. Staying away from my brother completely has been the only way back to emotional health for me. there is just no healthy way to interact. Either I have to kow tow and tip toe on eggshells to keep him 'happy' or I have to fight him constantly to assert my rights.
One of the great blessings from seperation is the ability to think clearly. To see all the subtle manipulations and pathologies that are impossible to see through the haze of being involved in their lives.

Patz wrote,
 

Then the preacher who was doing the funeral had the unmitigated gall to diss me in front of everyone about my relationship with my father.

Shame, shame and more shame on him! :evil:He should turn in his license!   What kind of a jerk would do that? I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Patz. I hope you don't hold it against God that His 'representative' was such a colossal jackass.

The longer you are away from the Nness the healthier you become.

Amen.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

Yeah when I went to the funeral it was in redneckville.  The only reason my father went to church at all he thought he could "bargain" with God.  I have never seen an individual so scared of death.  He sold a very fundamentalist preacher a bill of goods as did his .......uh wife?.......and he swallowed it.  When I got to the funeral the preacher "took it" upon himself to "correct" my unforgiveness.  Never mind that he probably had a beam an acre wide in his own eye Mudpup!

I did not go to the wake.  I just went home.  You had to be around my father to believe it.  Get a load of this:  How would you like to be a little 3-4 year old girl, and you went to the park one day with mummy and daddy.  The little girl decides she wants to climb on her daddy's lap.  Where upon he slaps her because she is climbing on him and "bothering" him.  I can still distinctily remember my mother saying.  "Well Jesse, she only is trying to show that she loves you."  Oh yes I  shed so many tears when he died.  

He also threatened to auction all of my mother's belongings off if I did not sign the succession papers to their property after my Mom died.  He was a real sweetheart my friends.

The futher you stay away from Nness in your family, the better off you will be and the stronger you will become.  You will look back at all the projection that you took "ownership" of and know that you were totally hoodwinked into trying to fix all that crap they dished out.  I repeat, (as if you did not already know)  stay away from N's.   They will suck the very life out of you like vampires.  When those little red flags and bells go off when I meet someone, I avoid those individuals like the plague.  

Anything I can to help anyone here I will.  I have lived through the Nness of my life and I am a survivor.  If any illumination through my experiences occurrs and you can grow from it then I am very happy for you.  I don't pretend to KNOW all about Ns and I continue to post here because I learn from you as well.

Ns are truly the pimples on the butt of the world..  Patz

[Anonymous]

Patz,

The only reason my father went to church at all he thought he could "bargain" with God.

This isn't something to be glad about, but your father has by now learned differently, to his eternal regret.

Never mind that he probably had a beam an acre wide in his own eye Mudpup!

Undoubtedly. His judging you without knowing your side of things constitutes a good sized plank in and of itself.
I wonder if Jesus's teaching on this is the first description of projection?

I'm sorry you had such a bum for a father. But I am glad that you came out of it a good and loving person, unlike your brothers who weren't so fortunate. There but for the grace of God as they say.

God bless you, Patz.  

mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

Mudpup:

Thank you.  You have no idea how much I thank God everyday for His loving kindness to me.  Without His help, His guidance, and the love of my maternal grandmother, I think I would be a statistic i.e. a prostitute, a drug addict, an early death, jailed.

In my own mind, when things were really, really bad.  The realization and  magnitude of my now deceased n husbands double life.  It was if the Lord were literally bandaging my wounded heart, and helping me to the Table, as in Pslams 23.  I think I was truly spoon fed until I was able to get up on my feet.  I had many relapses but eventually, with the help of the Holy Spirit I was able to walk around and become a person.  I realize that ones convictions and beliefs can derive from different things, but I have to tell  you my convictions toward who Jesus Christ is the most central part of my being.  Without Him, there is nothing and nothing was made.  He has provided for me and my son in the most beautiful and miraculous way.  There is nothing I can do  to repay for what He has done in my life.  

I can only say what is in my heart and this confession is not meant as "as statement of belief" but a statement of living.  I do not pretend to "know" what is right or wrong for anyone else, only what is relevant and what has happened to me. For those who post here and have other values and other beliefs, there is no condemnation but only understanding.   Much love to everyone, Patz

[Anonymous]

Beautiful, Patz. Put a tear in my eye. +

mud

[bluesky]

boy do we have alot in common. i am puzzled with the same questions about being a 'good daughter' because she never recognizes the good things i do, only what i don't do. i have to keep reminding myself it is her not me. please contact me if you would like to help each other on this!

[mum]

Just sending all of you light and love, the kind of things you should have had from parents, but had to find for yourself.  I am always appalled at the pathetic excuse for love your parents have demonstrated, and the way you have all been able to rebound, knowing deep down, that what you were taught love was, is absolutely untrue.  Kudos for forging ahead to make your own definition of it.