Hi Bliz
I notice mainly two reactions in myself. One's 'the original' reaction from as far back as I can remember, the other one's more recent. There's a third one that I wish I had instead of these two.
The old one is that I immediately feel bad, sometimes ashamed or humiliated. This is from childhood, lots of criticism for really trivial things. I've learned in therapy and from reading that this sort of thing is deliberate with abusers. They tear you down in order to make you dependent on them for approval. (Seen Patricia Evans' book 'the verbally abusive relationship'? She points out that abusers always go after what you do best, and try to convince you it's what you do worst. They're threatened by anyone else's competence. I've slowly begun to realize that people use abuse for all kinds of reasons, but they all come down to CONTROL.)
The new reaction is progress but not a total improvement. I immediately conclude that the critic, if they have delivered the criticism in a hostile or demeaning way, is just abusive (so far so good), and I want to feed their dung right back to them, on the spot (not so good). I manage to keep a lid on this most of the time, but that paralyzes me because it's like having both the brake and the accelerator floored; I can't respond in a constructive manner because I'm using all my strength to control the Fist of Death (grin).
The third one, that I've caught glimpses of and have managed to reach a few times, is to see the fact that someone is trying to abuse me, but remain emotionally safe. So far I've only been able to do this in situations where I really was disengaged and the manipulation was obvious.
Example: I have unusual hair, with a very unusual color. All natural entirely. I've had several experiences with professional stylists literally accosting me on the street, or in malls, and oohing and aahing over it, then all of a sudden turning negative - oh, this is wrong, that's wrong, this other thing is baaaad.
Well, obviously they're trying to get my guard down, then make me feel bad about one of my best features, so they can sell me a bunch of pricey garbage I don't need, or charge me $75 a week for dubious improvements on nature. I thank them for the compliments and tell them I'll certainly think about the feedback, and skip away laughing on the inside.
The reason I can stay detached here is that I know what they are doing, and I am utterly satisfied with my hair. It would take dynamite to undermine my self-confidence in that area. Also, I am not dependent on them for income or other support, so I don't feel vulnerable in any way.
This third response is the one I need to be able to come up with at work and at home. I'm workin' on it, one day at a time.
With all the abuse and putdowns floating around, there still is such a thing as legitimate criticism. I've taught, and I've supervised, and I've had to give that kind of feedback. You can tell the difference INSTANTLY. First, if the person is enjoying delivering the criticism, it ain't meant constructively. Any gloating, or sense of 'gotcha', is a giveaway. Second, if it's constructive, they'll give specific, useful examples of the change they are looking for, and offer continuing help in a non-patronizing way; they really want you to be able to modify what you are doing, and they know this means showing you what to do instead. Third, they usually try to reassure you and build you up -- right then, and also later, because they know this can be painful and they're really on your side. If any one of these elements is missing, doubt their motives.
Aggh, sorry, I didn't mean this to be a one hour lecture. I hope something in here helps. Thanks for motivating me to think about this, too.
