Does someone know of a good sexual abuse support site?

[Anonymous]

Hi Denise.
Your meds will be sorted by tuesday? That's tomorrow. Got my fingers crossed for you. I  hope this gets done. It's so important. I hope some health people pull their fingers out! The NHS & mental health just don't fit in the same sentence. Grrrrrrrrr...

still here to tell the tale, there must be at least 1 guardian angel out there looking out for me

I reckon you've got a few angels rooting for you Denise. Please believe it! My best wishes and thoughts flying up the M1, M6 and M62 towards you (hope I've got that right). Hope you get some refreshing sleep. portia

[Anonymous]

GFN

With respect, I would not go this route. This is unsolicited advice and just my opinion.

bunny

Thanks Bunny.  You're probably quite right.  I've been thinking about this all day.

GFN

[Serena]

Denise

Keep us posted..... you are so much stronger than you realise.  You are also an invaluable member of this board and we all care about you.

XXX

[Denise]

I felt sad and angry when I read that you took an overdose and then when you wrote:

Quote:
...an overdose was wrong maybe


Sounds like maybe you still think it's an ok thing to do maybe? I totally disagree. No maybe.

It's hard for me to allow myself to get emotionally involved with you because you might just discount and ignor my feelings and go ahead and overdose again because it's ok, maybe? Except actually I must already be doing some of that or I wouldn't feel sad or angry to know that you did intentionally overdose and just happened to survive.

I want to connect with you as a person and as a friend but I don't want to be treated as if that is nothing, of no value, not worth considering, not important. That's what it feels like my communications have been and I'm just letting you know that because I think it's better to express my feelings, rather than just keep them bottled up. Maybe if I share them, you will find some value in them too.

GFN



GFN, you are entitled to say whatever you want, why be angry at me, when am in such an emotional state and i call for help, and get no reply, what do i do, maybe or maybe not, it was my decision, and still is my decision, and yes the overdose was very intentional, because sometimes things get to bad  to cope with, so other people and their feelings dont come into the equation, sorry if this upsets you, but i also feel upset by what you said

[Denise]

when in a suicidal state, one disconnects, and there is only one focus, and its not good

[Denise]

Serena no disrespect.......I'm delighted that you are still posting. I hope you don't mind me saying this but have you considered entering a psychiatric facility as a volunteer? I think it would help you greatly to become acclimatised to new medications?



I will never in a million yrs go in a psychiatric unit as a volunteer or otherwise, do people not understand what its like 2 be locked away as a child, its caused a phobia, cos to me its just another institution, still no new meds got appointment 4 next week unless it gets cancelled, so i will see what happens then, but now the dreaded weekend approaches, i know, focus focus focus, on what exactly??

[Anonymous]

Hiya Denise:

I'm glad to see you still posting here and saying what you think and feel.  

GFN, you are entitled to say whatever you want,

Thankyou Denise.  So are you.  I'm glad you are!

why be angry at me,

Whoa Silver!!!  I said I felt angry.  That's my feeling and it's valid.  You have feelings and yours are valid too.  I'm not angry ....at....you.  I felt angry and sad when I read what you did.  I felt that way about your choice/decision.....to act....not about you.  You are good and I like you a lot.  That's why I felt sad and angry that your life might have been cut way too short.  I want you to live.  I want you to get the help you need and deserve.  I felt sad and angry to think that might not happen.

when am in such an emotional state and i call for help, and get no reply, what do i do,

I understand what you're saying.  The stupid system there sucks!!  I want to go over there and throttle the whole bunch who are in charge and have the power to give you the services you need.  I feel pretty angry about that too.   That's nothing to do with you, that bout of anger, I mean.

maybe or maybe not, it was my decision, and still is my decision, and yes the overdose was very intentional,

I feel very sad and angry that you felt compelled to make a decision to overdose, intentionally, in order to get the services you need.  I don't like the decision.  I don't like any idea that says it's the only way.  I don't like the system.  I don't like a whole lot of stuff about it all!  But I still really like you, Denise.  I do.

 

because sometimes things get to bad to cope with, so other people and their feelings dont come into the equation, sorry if this upsets you,

I will be honest and say that it does upset me because I keep thinking about your children, who will be left to face life without a mother, who I bet love you very much, and who will really suffer, for a long time, if you kill yourself, and about your sister, who I bet cares very much about you too, and her pain, both/all of which I can only imagine the extent of that pain/suffering... because I'm not them... but I know how I felt....reading about your decision...and so....I won't discount all the people in the equation and only count you.  I just won't.

but i also feel upset by what you said

I'm sorry Denise.  I don't want to cause you more upset.  I just want you to live.  You have come so far, struggled with and through so much.  You seem like a very nice person who has managed to get this far and I'm so proud of you for coming here and continuing that struggle.

when in a suicidal state, one disconnects, and there is only one focus, and its not good

My wish is to help you to focus elsewhere.....on those who love you and care about you.....and on those who want to be your friend/s..even here.  My wish is to connect with you ...so you hear me....and I hear you...not just see me/you as some bits and bites on a screen...but as a real, breathing, feeling human being persons...and I really really feel for you, Denise.  And also my wish is to remind you to focus on some of the small but very beautiful things in life, and to value your life....because it is a valuable possession that I don't want to see you waste.  You said you have a million reasons not to live.  I will quote a wise person from this board who said:

"There may be many reasons but there is no excuse".

I'm sure you have perfectly valid reasons for wanting to end this life but my opinion, my feeling, my plea to you is that you have no excuse.  None.

To only focus on that thought and to not focus on those who care about you.

My words may be shocking and maybe too blunt and I'm sorry for that.  I'm not the most tactful person alive but I have a big heart Denise and I really want you to feel cared about because people do care.

I'm glad you're here still and I'm glad you're still posting and I hope you will continue.  Are you thinking about making any plans for the weekend?
Is there a library near your place?  Do you like the library?  
 
I love books.  When I have been in a severe state of traumatization and could not focus on reading for even 5 minutes at a time, I went to the library and found books with the most gorgeous pictures in them.  It was much easier to look at a lovely picture and imagine the peacefulness there and admire the beauty than it was to try to look at words and make sense of them.  That helped me.  Maybe it might help you??

(((((((Denise)))))))

GFN

[d'smom]

I will never in a million yrs go in a psychiatric unit as a volunteer or otherwise, do people not understand what its like 2 be locked away as a child, its caused a phobia, cos to me its just another institution, still no new meds got appointment 4 next week unless it gets cancelled, so i will see what happens then, but now the dreaded weekend approaches, i know, focus focus focus, on what exactly??

Denise -  im sooooooo happy to see you are still here.!!!!..... and that you have an app.   I just want you to know that ive thought about you every single day since youve been here....... i know youre in a really bad space and i just wish there was something i could do to help.

sooo... here comes the weekend...... focus focus focus..... what can we focus on.

what -does- give you joy? it can be something verrrrrrrrrrry tiny. lets make a plan, for these weekends...

what if ANYTHING do you like or enjoy or feel good about. ??  it doesnt matter how small. lets figure out something to focus on. if that doesnt sound good, its just an idea, we can do a different one.

there are certain days of the week that are worse for me, i do a lot of stuff on those days to help get through. so maybe we can talk it out.
take care im really thinking about you.
anna

[d'smom]

I will never in a million yrs go in a psychiatric unit as a volunteer or otherwise, do people not understand what its like 2 be locked away as a child

oh i had meant to tell you i was locked up for a year @ 16..... definitely a horrible experience. they locked me up cause i ran away from home. just wanted to let you know i do understand that.

i wish the 'helpers' were more helpful somtimes...... because if i thought they would actually be helpful, i would also suggest a more structured environment right now...... but, its hard to be sure which are going to be actually healthy. the way the dr's are treating you... im not sure i would be too trusting of a hospital either...... either way still thinking of you.

[Guest2]

Hi Denise and everyone,
just wanted to post a message of support.  I don't have any great ideas but just small ones.  They are the ones that have helped me in the past.  If they are not of any use, then just ignore them and hear my underlying care and support for you.

I don't know why the weekends are so bad for you.  Is it that everyone goes away? or your routine is different or is it that bad memories are triggered?

I tend to give myself small gifts when I am down, like watching something on telly or taking a walk around the block and seeing a dog, if you like dogs.   Washing my hair.  Or reading something fun.  This will be the only thing I have to accomplish that day, and if I do it, I am a success and I can make it to the next day.  I try to do distracting things, so I won't have to work full time on my thoughts.  Nobody should have to work 24 hours a day.

Try to make sure you are eating enough, and good stuff.  This can help your mental state, being hungry or full of junk cannot help you.

I would also think about, not the big people who might suffer if I were gone, but the 'little' people.  I remember many times hearing that something bad happened to an acquaintance, an accident or sudden death, and it felt bad.  Not life changing bad, but I thought, if that happens to lots of people who know me or know of me,  it is a big impact on the world.   And then I would try to think about all those people - people I saw at the grocery store, people who I knew in school, my neighbors, my distant cousins, and that would occupy me for a while.

David sounds like a person who might have some good qualities and was good for a while, but you have handed over your Self to him and it is time to take yourself back.    Like my friend said once, "I thought about killing myself.  And then I thought, let him kill himself!  I didn't do anything wrong!"  So ask yourself, have you done anything wrong?

[Serena]

Hi Denise

I'm sorry you don't trust medical professionals although I fully understand why.  

This is probably the most vacuous advice you will ever get on this forum, start watching Big Brother.............  if you have E4, you will be so cheered up.

It will reinforce to you how normal, decent and compassionate you are when you get a look at this bunch of losers.

Thinking of you

[Mati]

Hi Denise

I hate weekends and holidays as they are the times that happy families get togther and my dream has always to be part of a normal family, not a fantasy one just a normal one where people love each other. I just tell myself that it will happen for me one day if I keep on the path of recovery and that I need this time alone for just a bit longer and one day I will not have this pain. They are still hard though so I feel for you.

love Mati

[Portia]

This is probably the most vacuous advice you will ever get on this forum, start watching Big Brother............. if you have E4, you will be so cheered up.

It will reinforce to you how normal, decent and compassionate you are when you get a look at this bunch of losers.

Serena, when I feel low, I switch on the TV and soon feel better. Usually because I get so frustrated with the incredible TOSH on it! Your advice is spot-on

Denise, it's on channel 4 too, so all you need is a basic telly. Try tuning in best P

[October]

I will never in a million yrs go in a psychiatric unit as a volunteer or otherwise, do people not understand what its like 2 be locked away as a child, its caused a phobia, cos to me its just another institution, still no new meds got appointment 4 next week unless it gets cancelled, so i will see what happens then, but now the dreaded weekend approaches, i know, focus focus focus, on what exactly??

Hiya D

It is very very normal for people with cptsd to avoid psychiatric units at almost any cost.  Trauma almost always results from a catastrophic loss of control, whether of ones soul, body or spirit.  In endeavouring to minimise the effects of trauma, we learn to restore control in whatever way we can, and dread the loss of it again.

I am absolutely with you.  I have told my t that I cannot, simply cannot, explain to her or a psychiatrist how bad my thoughts become at times, because if I did, they would have no option but to offer admission to me, for my own protection.  I cannot be explicit, because I know that such admission would be devastating to me.  I need to be in control.  I need to have a normal life; a child to care for, washing and ironing to do, shopping to plan, bills to pay.  However unwell I am, it is those things that form a framework around which to live, and to build whatever kind of existence is possible for me.

You are doing really well, Denise, imo.  Every day that you learn how to survive and how to cope will make it that bit easier to cope tomorrow.  

I am glad you have an appointment next week - I hope it goes well for you.  Meanwhile, as others say, maybe plan for the weekend with a TV guide; choose what you are going to watch all the time.  Maybe get in a tub of popcorn, some icecream, crisps and tonic water or similar.  Pretend you are at an exclusive screening at a posh cinema and veg in front of the telly for a while, or watch your fav videos or whatever.  And there is always bubble bath pampering time when you get bored with the telly.

Well done for making it this far.   It does get easier, but it takes time.

[October]

You said you have a million reasons not to live.  I will quote a wise person from this board who said:

"There may be many reasons but there is no excuse".

I'm sure you have perfectly valid reasons for wanting to end this life but my opinion, my feeling, my plea to you is that you have no excuse.  None.

To only focus on that thought and to not focus on those who care about you.

My words may be shocking and maybe too blunt and I'm sorry for that.  I'm not the most tactful person alive but I have a big heart Denise and I really want you to feel cared about because people do care.

I know you care a lot, GFN.  Perhaps you are one of the most caring people on this thread, in terms of the impact it is having on you, and the cost of it on yourself.  I don't know why it is so triggering to you, but it seems to be very much so.  

I don't want to get again into the same conversation as we had before, because I think we said everything that needed to be said at the time, and that is fine.  

But from my own, personal point of view, coming to this thread to help Denise, and knowing that it will not be easy for me to do that, or for her to read what is said here - this kind of comment - the 'no excuse' comment - weighs on me like a great weight around my shoulders.  It feels like a millstone.  It feels as if I am struggling not to drown and you have put a millstone around my neck.  I am sorry for the strong, even violent, imagery, but I am trying to express my feelings, and I don't want you to feel that in turn as a condemnation of you, because I appreciate how much you care.

My own benchmark, as I have said before, is to use the same terminology for people who have suicidal ideation as for any other potentially terminal illness.  I would not say that someone with cancer has no excuse for contemplating leaving her children, so I would also not say it for someone with SI.  I know you disagree, but perhaps you can consider what might be helpful for Denise, and where she asks you to refrain from such comments, perhaps you could do that, and maybe start a general discussion somewhere else on the ethics of suicide, which is not the same thing as the struggle against SI.