Baby is here - now what?

[Cadbury]

Hello Everyone!

For those that didn't read the pregnancy post, I had a beautiful baby boy 9 days ago. I stayed strong and thought of mysef and didn't let my ex know about his son until after the event. He had wanted to be at the birth, but after worrying myself sick about it I suddenly realised that I WASN'T WITH HIM ANYMORE!! And so I could just leave him out. Sounds stupid, but I'm sure a lot of people on here have had the same thing.

Anyway, I let him see his son for half an hour the day after he was born. During that haf hour, he moaned incessantly about how he hadn't seen his son born. He then told me I had put on a lot of weight since he had last seen me and asked me if I thought he'd lost weight. I said no. (He was hurt by that). He didn't ask how our son was, how I was, how the birth had been. He looked at our beautiful boy and said "I can't believe he doesn't look more like me". Only an N! Then he started trying to discuss our relationship and was getting me more upset. I managed to hide this and luckily, guessing he would be like this, I had prearranged for the midwife to come in and do a "post-natal check" after half an hour so that he would have to leave. I then cried for hours. Seeing him hold my darling boy was the hardest thing. I had previously thought that I could cope with him having contact, but I don't know if I can.

After the birth, the pleurisy I had been suffering with got worse and I was readmitted to hospital to be checked out for a blood clot. I had an awful weekend in hospital and was let out on Monday. Luckily my son could stay with me so I didn't cry as much as I might have (hormones raging). I emailed my ex on the Monday night and just explained I'd been ill and asked him to let me have some recovery time before having to deal with the future. He emailed back and said ok. Wednesday he phoned my mother at work and asked to drop some things over to her. She was so shocked she didn't know what to say. He turned up and gave her the stuff. Didn't ask about me or the baby. Talked about himself and left. He had sent a bear for our son. The thing is it is a "Bear Factory" bear with his voice recorded in it. I heard it and cried.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want him to touch our son ever. I cannot cope with seeing him myself as it is too emotionally distressing. I don't think he is a fit father asI have witnessed him do things that are way over the top to his son from a previous relationship. I didn't know how others may have coped with this? I am leaning towards Social services and supervised contact but I know how hard he would then make my life. I have registred my son in my maiden name without my ex being present, which by UK law means he doesn't now have parental responsibility unless he goes to court for it. I am terrified of him finding this out as it will be something that will drive him mad - more the fact that the baby doesn't have his name than anything else.

I have lots of events of his mad behaviour written down and woitnessed where possible, so I think I may have enough amuntion to get supervised access only. The trouble is he may then get even more vicious. As soon as he sees a challenge he wants to win it, whether he cares about our son or not. So should I let him have access and let him lose interest of his own account? I have even contemplated telling him he's not the father! I am just so lost and crying most of the time. I wish he would leave me alone. If I had money I think I could pay him off, but I haven't so I don't have that option!

Sorry to ramble on, but I am so up in the air and just wanted opinions and ideas, or experiences etc to help me think through.

Thank you all so much!

[Anonymous]

Dear Cadbury,

Ofcourse all of these worries are hard for you and will need to be considered.

Right now, you don't have to decide anything.  Keep stalling and expressing your need for recovery time and keep recovering.  You will feel much stronger soon and be in a better position to decide what next.

All of this can wait.  The bear can go in a closet.  Enjoy your little bundle of joy and take care of you first, for now.

[write]

put the bear somewhere out of reach, stop worrying about your ex, and decide to take each day with your beautiful child as the priority right now.

Remember your ex's n-comments are because it's so painful to him not being the centre of attention; and nothing takes away that attention like a newborn baby. So unless you engage and he gets n-attention from the situation I'd expect him to get bored pretty quickly. And yes, you know he'll turn up from time to time and try to throw you off balance, but you'll feel stronger in a  few weeks. You're vulnerable now and need to just be enjoying your family and resting.

Enlist support from your mum and folks who know what you've been through and don't let him get wind of 'I wish he would leave me alone', decide what you want to say ( eg I'm taking some time/ space to get a routine going ) and be like a matter-of-fact emotionless broken record. Don't try to see anything from his point of view, you can put his needs off, they're not your priority after all; prioritise taking care of yourself.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mum]

(((((Cadbury)))))
Oh, I am so sad for you. I remember just standing in my kitchen crying and crying for no apparent reason after my son was born.  And you certainly have reasons!
Please have faith that the answers will come, and try not to put energy into  figuring it all out right now.  You have just gone through the most stressful and life changing thing a woman could possibly experience.  Put off anything else....things have a way of working out well when we don't worry so much about them.  Take action when and if you have to, and in the meantime, don't even care what your ex is thinking/doing.  

Put the bear away, your child is too young to appreciate it, and it is upsetting to you, forget about it...(it was such an N present anyway...."oh, woah is me....I want him to hear MY voice"....coming from a stuffed bear????).
Focus on what you DO want, which you have in a sweet little bundle....and take any energy away from the N, for even now, you can see what he is.
My biggest mistakes were made when I felt sorry for "poor" exN.  He was so very good at making others feel his pain, and then getting his way!!
So you know this.  So let go of him, his pain, his needs.  Your child deserves a mom who knows she deserves a good life, and whose goal is clear: to make a happy, emotionally healthy home for her and her child.
Relax.  Have faith, things will be ok....breathe....focus on what you want, not what you don't.  Good things will continue to happen.
Practical advice: Sleep when your baby does....and as close as possible to him.  It's not a waste of time, it's essential.

[Anonymous]

Hi Cadbury

I gave birth to my son as I was divorcing X N.  He was not present at the birth as per my request.  He did however have the nerve to show up at the hospital the day after.  That was not a good day for me to say the least.

I agree with the others...don't worry about everything right at this moment.  You have plenty of reasons/excuses to stall him and keep him at bay.
You have a newborn and newborns need to be with nurturing Mommy.....not psycho Daddy.  

If he insists on seeing the baby maybe you could allow it (of course you would be there) but insist that you want another party present as well since you don't feel comfortable being around him.

Also, ditch the bear for now.  My X N did the same exact thing but thankfully the bear didn't have his recorded voice.  I put the bear away.  My son didn't know any better anyway.  BTW, I ended up throwing the bear in the garbage.  It made me sick to look at it.  My son is five now and noone has EVER asked for it or remembered it.  I feel guilty about doing it but hey, if that's the worse thing I ever did to my kid then I think I can live with that.

You will find the strength to get through this time.  Focus on your beautiful son and your lovely girls.  Believe me if I could survive it you can too!  God blessed you with a precious boy.  With each passing day your head will clear and you will be able to deal with your X.  

I hope I made you feel better.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mia

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your replies, it does help to hear it from people who aren't family. I don't know why, it just seems more real or something.

Well, my son and I are settling down well. He feeds almost nonstop and doesn't really sleep that much at night, but the zombie look is in this year! (I wish!). He has spent every night in my bed and it is nice to have a decent man there for once! He doesn't steal the covers or snore, but does suffer from wind! Still, I can over look that!

My ex has not been in touch for almost a week, which is good. However, it isn't like him, so either he's planning something or he's found another source. Something else I try not to worry about. I tried to follow the advice about not thinking about him, but I find that hard. I just don't want him to ruin my son's life wit his manipulative ways.

I can't decide what will work best with his NPD. If I give him very little contact he may see that as a challenge and fight for more, whether or not he actually wants it. If I let him have a reasonable amount of contact, I have to live with the fact that he really isn't good for my son, but that may make him give up. If he finds someone else then he may lose interest anyway, or use her to fight me for custody. This is so hard, I stay awake when I should be sleeping thinking all the scenarios through. I try not to, I know I should rest more, but I just wish he would leave us alone.

Thanks again

[dogbit]

This is so hard, I stay awake when I should be sleeping thinking all the scenarios through

I hate to bring up the dreaded word: Lawyer.  If you can get some advice now when your kiddo is so young, it may help sort out the scenarios.  Forewarned is forearmed.

[Cadbury]

The above but one post is me by the way, no idea why I was a guest as I'm logged n, but anyway!

Thanks Dogbit, I have been thinking about that. It's just the money side. Something like £120 for an hour + VAT. Still, worth it if I can find it I suppose. Will keep thinking. thanks all. Any opinions etc welcome!

[Guest2]

Hi Cadbury,
You are having a tough time!  And sounds like you're being strong.  I have 2 kids and I can say that if you take care of yourself, you are a much better parent.  Not that I follow my own advice, but when I do, things go much better.  Dont' try to compensate for your worthless husband by doing more.  

Also, talk to your doctor about post-partum depression.  All new moms are at risk but if your life is stressful you are even more at risk. Don't go along thinking you can handle everything or you will snap out of it, if it doesn't feel right.  Make sure you have support.

Good luck.

[sleepyhead]

Hi Cadbury and congratulations!!! Try not to worry too much (easier said than done, I know...), and just concentrate on your lovely baby and on taking care of you both. Don't try to figure out how your ex will react to different strategies, but wait and see what he will do first? Maybe he won't be interested enough to do anything about custody? At least that way you'll have some time to yourself for now. Best of luck to you and take care!

((((((((Cadbury&son))))))))

[Anonymous]

One thought Cadbury:

Are there any woman's shelters in your area?  You have been abused.  They will often have free or low cost counselling available.

I know it isn't maybe the same as some therapy but it might be a good support and a third eye??  Someone objective to talk with, who may know the system and some tricks to help you out?

Hope you and baby are enjoying eachother!
Take care of you both.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Cadbury and Son:

Congratulations!  I have been reading your threads off an on for about two months but never responded.  So I plan to do that now!  I am very happy about your new addition and what it will mean as your child gets older.  

As far as the ex N and I do mean ex.  This is where he is relegated as an ex.  My experience with N's who like to "win or be right" at any cost is to just let it run its course.  The more you protest or buck against it the more they are embolden to do more crap to just show that they can.  He has the interest of a zero in your son.  The interest is in the fight.  His ego cannot stand the fact you are setting limits.  If in fact you begin to require real "fatherhood" things out of him, believe me he will lose interest fast.  The prime example is how he treats others and his other children.  If it is not about him, then it has no importance.

Put the bear away or anything else that reminds you of him.  When he comes over require him to take care of the child and busy yourself with other things while he is there.  Responsiblity is the last  thing he will want.
I know that is it is very traumatic  for you to be around him and for him to touch the baby.  I agree with this.  However, the ultimate goal is to have him lose interest totally and leave you and the baby alone.  

My ex N, I ignored, he got tired of the effort and went away.  There of course was not a child involved so this puts a different take on things.  
Also you are still post partum and the hormones are doing a number on you as well.  Just know that we are here for you and pray for God's protection.

Much love
Patz

[Mati]

Hi Cadbury

As one who has used the refuge system, you could go into one saying you feel unsafe and that you need to get away from n. They are quite good some of them being single seperate units. They offer masses of support and can tell you of a counsellor, but they are trained to offer support anyway and it is the getting somewhere safe that comes first. You could go to one in another part of the country if you want and have a contact in that area, or stay in your own and get provided with housing from the council. They do not put you in bad areas. In the meantime you could put your stuff into storage, but anyway if you leave anything they give you a grant to set up home again and in my area the council provide furnishing. That is if you want to get away from n totally. There is a lot of help for women leaving abusive relationships but you have to look for it. The first step could be to contact the local victim support.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mati!

I was thinking about you and I am so glad to see you posting!!

What good advice you have put in that post to anyone who might be considering leaving an abusive situation!  I didn't know that the shelters are called:  refuges, in the UK.  That is a nice name too.  The idea of being sheltered or finding refuge from abuse.....just sounds good .... and safe and comfortable.

I think Cadbury is already living away from her abuser.  I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your post and hope others will see it and maybe it might help.

(((((((((Mati)))))))))

GFN

[Mati]

Thanks for the encouragement GFN. Not sure whether they will still help if someone wants to 'disappear' if they are being pestered. The authorities are very keen to get women away from abusers at the moment.