Believing in yourself

[A Guest]

Hello Everyone:

I was just wondering if anyone know of any books or resources that deal with the topic of learning how to believe in yourself.

Any recommendations or feedbacks would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[Portia]

Hiya guest, well, this board is a great resource if you use it. IMO!

I guess my first questions would be:

What do you mean by belief in yourself?
What don't you believe in now, that you want to change?
Do you mean having confidence in your skills and abilities for example?
Or not feeling like you exist as a person and being able to relate to other people?

We might need a bit more info from you before we can say any more, P

PS then I thought, there is a quick way!! It's this: tell other people your truths - your fears, your wants, your 'bad' stuff and find people who you feel safe with. Listen to them tell you their same stuff back. You find we're all vulnerable, we all have fears, we all worry about not being good enough or perfect enough and really important - nobody has all the answers. or if they do, they're not telling us!!  or maybe it's just me?  i hope you get my drift.

Take risks and make yourself vulnerable. Be courageous and live through storms. Stick with something and see it through. and of course...welcome, please sit down and chat if you wish. P

[dogbit]

Take risks and make yourself vulnerable. Be courageous and live through storms. Stick with something and see it through. and of course...welcome, please sit down and chat if you wish.

Portia, I agree.  There is a saying that "you are only as sick as your secrets".  I believe that also has a lot to do with believing in yourself.  Oftentimes, believing in yourself can be construed in coming from a place where we have to be perfect or "right" or in knowing all the answers.  For me, when I let people know what I consider to be the bad parts of myself for better or worse, I am much more confident in believing in myself.  It takes some courage but the alternative of not voicing these things only leaves me stuck where I am.  Believing in myself means putting out myself authentically...good and bad and all that stuff in between!  The relief I feel in finally being known gives me the freedom to really be myself!  Bittles

[A Guest]

Portia,

I appreciate what you wrote towards the bottom of your post.  I'm going to write down what you said and remind myself til it sinks in.

Believing in myself is something that's been a struggle for me.  What I mean by it is believing in myself enough to know and feel that I have a right to be heard, respected, and admired, even if I'm not getting that from others.  Believing in myself enough to not have a need for getting approval from others in order to feel important and valued and okay.

What I come to realized about myself is that my belief system is very mess up.  What I really want and look for is a resource that can help me change my belief system one by one.  I feel that if I can change my belief system then I can change my life.  And can live more fully and able to embrace more fully the opportunities that are given to me on a regular basis...the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations, the opportunity to fail yet not feel like a failure, the opportunity to expand myself beyond my insecurities, the opportunity to learn from making stupid mistakes instead of shying away from them, the opportunity to not feel inadequate even though I've made an adequate decision, etc.

I know that professional counseling is a great resource, but that is not an option I have at this point in my life.

Thanks for reading.

[cosmic joe]

well the best resource could be for knowing self
and one's relationship to the whole
is to submit to the creator's will of
considering the needs of others before one's own
and if one does that properly one can discern if at times
what the other needs is rebuke

in the present divine dispensation  the best route
if one hasnt been already
to be convicted of one's past sinful nature
and repent by way of the first begotten of the dead..jesus..
and accept the holy spirit
which does not speak of self...first
but rather teaches all things by way of
those who accept
considering the needs of others before one's own
and best understoon in the perfect example of
the first begottne of the dead.. jesus
who the flesh of the adamic line
and tested in all ways of the flesh..
remained without sin
and in what he suffered for others sake
thru all those who thus accept and follow
salvation of the soul is granted and one
may after this fleshly existence gain
full access to the glorified soul body:)

[A Guest]

Cosmic Joe,

I appreciate your reply.  I am of the belief that you cannot truly love others when you haven't fully loved yourself first.  Or I don't think I can completely accept others when I haven't completely accepted myself first.

Thanks.

[daylily as guest]

Hi there--

I think that Phil McGraw's book Self Matters actually provides a very good framework within which you can conduct a guided self-assessment, with the goal of finding what he calls your "authentic self."  It's a little short on how to act on that knowledge, but from your posts, it seems that's not really what you're looking for.  Basically, what he does is take each element of self-concept and provide exercises that help you to consider how that element has made you the person you are, and whether the associated beliefs are really serving you.

As with any "self-help" book, you have to take it with cups, not pinches, of salt.  Dr. McGraw's tone is sometimes annoying, and his folksy charm often wears thin, but I think there is a certain amount of wisdom at the core of this book.  To change one's core beliefs about oneself is possibly the most difficult task one can undertake.  I think anything that puts a structure around that process can be at least somewhat helpful.

Best,
daylily

[A Guest]

Daylily,

Thanks for the book recommendation.  I've read the book that you were talking about and know a little about him.  I don't find his book or the way he approaches things to be that helpful to me.

[mum]

Welcome!  I think you are on the right track!  I found that my fundamental belief system (what I believed about life, myself) was indeed at the heart of every single choice I made.  Sounds like a "duh, of course" but for me it was huge.  I was trying to change all these other things, but nothing changed because my essential belief system wouldn't support the change.  
As soon as I recognized that was the issue....it set in motion a sequence of events that were very positive, in terms of my self awareness and growth and happiness.
Suddenly, all the books and tapes and information NOW MADE SENSE to me!!!  

Among those: (you asked for resources):

ANY writings by Pema Chodron (Start Where You Are, When Things Fall Apart, and I have a lot of her tapes)  (She is AMAZING....gets straight to the core of self concept and self compassion.....VERY helpful, an American Buddhist, really down to earth and funny but not preachy)

The Art of Happiness by the Dali Lama (writtten with an American Dr....big, overview topics, with advice for specific modern issues)

Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten (good ideas, but some "workbooky" stuff I don't care for)

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner (ooh, I learned a lot about past patterns)

Different Drum, People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck (second one is about evil.....and narcissism)

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light, Teach Only Love by Gerald
Jampolski (a bit wordy)

The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle (get the companion littler version....its not so overwhelming)

The Secret of the Shadow by Debbie Ford ( very encouraging, all about self acceptance)

The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander (a little academic, but great little gems throughout)

There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer (very spiritual, yet not preachy)

and a million other places, things, readings, sayings, therapists, friends and PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD who have helped me to rebuild my core belief system into one that is in keeping with my own individual purpose!

The point is this: until I KNEW that change was possible, all the above resources fell on deaf ears.....when I woke up.....THAT'S when it all made sense!!!!!
A little bit here, a little bit there.....take what works and make it part of your true, undamaged, original loving self....and miracles happen!!!

Have FUN!!!!

[cosmic joe]

a quote of guest maker of this topic ...
I appreciate your reply. I am of the belief that you cannot truly love others when you haven't fully loved yourself first. Or I don't think I can completely accept others when I haven't completely accepted myself first.

 ..well yes but in that process of completely loving yourself first...
there can be dangers of getting caught up in twisted
positive loving self where one starts to lose growth
cause it becomes an artificial excuse for neglecting others...

[mum]

hey, Cosmic Joe (great name!)

Good points you made!

If the original poster asked about loving oneself instead of believing in oneself, would that be different?

But on the subject of self love:

TRUE love for oneself, is divine love and is inescapably pure and loving toward ALL in the universe.....otherwise, it is NOT love, but a deformity, an actual evil.

A huge struggle for most of the people I know, is not that they will "love themselves too much" but that they love themselves too little..........and then are victimized by those people you may speak of, who twist inner self loathing into what LOOKS LIKE self love.  But it is not.  It is self hatred of the most malignant kind....EGO love....illusionary, earthly and not of divine source at all!!

[A Guest]

Mum wrote:

I found that my fundamental belief system (what I believed about life, myself) was indeed at the heart of every single choice I made. Sounds like a "duh, of course" but for me it was huge. I was trying to change all these other things, but nothing changed because my essential belief system wouldn't support the change.
As soon as I recognized that was the issue....it set in motion a sequence of events that were very positive, in terms of my self awareness and growth and happiness.

Mum, that's exactly how I feel about it and how if affects every fiber of my being.  How did you progress from point A to point B and onward?  What did you do to expand yourself, to grow emotionally, etc?  And what were the sequence of events that were very positive, in terms of your self-awarness and growth and happiness??  I'm sorry for all these questions, I hope you don't mind sharing them with me.

Thanks for the recommendations of resources.  They sound very useful.  Surely, I will look into them.  

Thanks again.

[write]

but it fluctuates still.

Can't wait for that golden day when things can be absolutely crap and just I'll take a deep breath and think 'oh well...tomorrow's another day'

[write]

clicked too soon, meant to add, go easy on youself, it's a process, takes time to change attitudes/ perception/ behaviour etc.

This is a great resource.

[2cents]

A guest,

I think it has to do with wanting to change what's truly your core belief system. The changes have to come from the inside, or be made on the inside, otherwise as mum said all the best advice in the world will fall on deaf ears. there are things you can change on the outside, and good habits you can teach yourself, and I think if you want to change hard enough and you are willing to work hard enough it can happen. It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of mistakes, a lot of false turns and alleys but if your heart is in it for the right reasons even the mistakes will mean progress. It's a long road, but every journey begins with a single step.

2cents