Believing in yourself

[bunny]

These books changed my life because I suddenly "got it" from reading them. Don't know if they would speak to everyone but here they are:

Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes. This book is very "60s" in its language but if you get past it, it explains how to deal with life, other people, your own reactions. I had so much more control over situations after learning this stuff.

Reflections in the Light by Shakti Gawain. A book of affirmations that somehow explained to me how people operated. Again, gave me a lot more control over how I handled situations.

Personal Power Through Awareness by Sanaya Roman. This has a really ludicrous gimmick of being written by a chanelled spirit. If you can ignore that premise (I did), the book has amazing insights into how we react to others and how to change the reactions. I had even more control over situations after reading it.

by "control over situations" I do not mean narcissistically manipulating them. I mean the feelings of helplessness and confusion diminished by magnitudes and I knew what was going on. From that place of awareness I could avoid being abused, sidestep a lot of crap, and command some authority and respect instead of merely hoping to get it and being disappointed.

bnny

[Lara]

Hi All,
This is an interesting thread. Self-belief is something that I've always had a problem with, and Bunny, I'm going to follow up your book recommendations.
Strangely enough, and despite the kick in the teeth I still feel from his rejection, I do think that my self-belief has slowly grown since the split from my ex. Living without him was something that I never thought would be possible for me;my addiction to the r/ship was so overwhelming, but here I am, on my own and still breathing!
Anyway, what I really wanted to do here was recount a little incident that happened at my place of work recently. I often have to attend meetings, and since splitting from my ex, and trying to develop more self-respect, I've tried to conduct myself at work in a self-confident way, and to show authority when necessary. I've found this makes professional r/ships run more smoothly;people have even commented that they know where they stand with me, and they seem to like this! But at a recent meeting my old habit of running myself down got the better of me, and I made a jokey comment against myself, coupled with a shaky sort of laugh. It was so interesting to see how UNcomfortable this made the other people at the meeting. Being quite decent people, they laughed and assured me that they thought highly of me, but they were obviously made uneasy by my lack of confidence and my moment of neediness.
So what I'm saying is that it seems to me, unfair as it might be, that people feel a lot more comfortable when in the company of someone who has self-belief, or at least appears to. Maybe it's because they don't feel called on to 'look after' the person, or massage their ego. So an increased self-belief can be good for us in itself, but also make our r/ships easier and healthier. (Plus the fact of course that the emotional vampires we have all engaged with, seem to spot our insecurity a mile away, and target us for their attention.)

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

So what I'm saying is that it seems to me, unfair as it might be, that people feel a lot more comfortable when in the company of someone who has self-belief, or at least appears to. Maybe it's because they don't feel called on to 'look after' the person, or massage their ego. So an increased self-belief can be good for us in itself, but also make our r/ships easier and healthier. (Plus the fact of course that the emotional vampires we have all engaged with, seem to spot our insecurity a mile away, and target us for their attention.)

Good observation. Don't you feel safer, more relaxed around people who are self-confident?   They don't require stroking, reassuring, catering to, mind-reading, etcetera. What a relief, right?

Here's a situation that happened at my workplace. At a meeting, someone was given a prize because her group had achieved some goal. She dramatically protested: "Oh no! Don't give it to me! We only reached the goal by accident! We weren't even trying! Take it back, oh, oh, oh!" As you can imagine, people were annoyed by her display which was more time consuming than simply saying "thank you", and accepting the damn prize. One woman noted for her peacefulness actually said, "Just take it!" The prizewinner clearly wanted stroking, reassurance, by being humbly unworthy. At some point, it's just irritating and she didn't achieve her wish of being taken care of. So I think when one is aware of being at a fork in the road, where one could either self-deprecate or be confident, experiment with the confident route and see how it goes.

bunny

[write]

people feel a lot more comfortable when in the company of someone who has self-belief, or at least appears to. Maybe it's because they don't feel called on to 'look after' the person, or massage their ego. So an increased self-belief can be good for us in itself, but also make our r/ships easier and healthier. (Plus the fact of course that the emotional vampires we have all engaged with, seem to spot our insecurity a mile away, and target us for their attention.)

& I just remembered a quote someone wrote in a card for me years ago:

People take you very much at your own reckoning...

[Lara]

Yes, and I also think there is a cycle in operation in this sort of situation, at work, for example:
1. I appear to be confident. (And I think that at first, even faking confidence is worthwhile.)
2. Because I appear confident, people feel I am knowledgeable and they take me seriously.
3. Because they take me seriously, they approach me for information, ask me for help, etc.
4. Because people approach me, ask me for help, etc. I feel valued, and confident.....
(And so the cycle goes on.....)

Sincerely,
Lara.

[write]

fake it, 'til you make it!' ?

That should be easy for all of us who feel we're imposters in life....

[A Guest]

Lara,

I think I understand what you mean by "appearing confident".  But for me, it is the hardest thing to appear confident when it goes against my core self belief.  It's like trying to swim against the tide.  The tide is my core beliefs, the swim is my unsuccessful attempt to appear confident.  I wish I can "fake it" 'til I make it.  Isn't it true that our core beliefs dictate our thoughts, words, and deeds?

[Anonymous]

I think I understand what you mean by "appearing confident".  But for me, it is the hardest thing to appear confident when it goes against my core self belief.  It's like trying to swim against the tide.  The tide is my core beliefs, the swim is my unsuccessful attempt to appear confident.  I wish I can "fake it" 'til I make it.  Isn't it true that our core beliefs dictate our thoughts, words, and deeds?

I think self-devaluing beliefs (if they are distorted, some kind of old tape, etc.) can absolutely be changed. Mine have.

bunny

[mum]

Hello, A Guest.  You asked me what moved me from point A to point B, etc. (haven't figured out the quote thing).  I guess an enormous struggle, which got me to an enormous depression, and then a giant cattle prod from my children to be better.
Simplified, yes....but basically that's it.  But it started with the same kind of questioning you are doing.  I wanted better for a life.  Someone from my past ignited an earlier, happier memory of myself in me, and I had an inkling I deserved better.  Then as I started my search to get happier, healthier....well, things got worse before they got better.  Mostly because the toxic people in my life wanted me to stay the same....I had served thier needs well, I guess.

I tell you this NOT to encourage you to stop the process.  Keep it going.  It will probably not be easy, but staying stuck was no longer an option for me.  I was compelled to find my purpose, and I knew it wasn't to stay in unhappy situations with damaged, toxic people.  It was to be happy and to show my children how to be happy in the process.  It took bravery I didn't know I had....but we all have such power, and we rarely touch it.

So it lead me on a search and set in motion a sequence of events that were overwhelmingly beautiful sometimes and overwhelmingly painful, too.  What I came to understand was this thing about pain.  I was always afraid of it, so that is what kept me stuck in a low level of it, not thinking I could ever escape (that lack of faith, of believing in oneself)....knowing to explore the pain would mean really scary stuff....stuff in my head (scariest of them all) as well as stuff legally, life wise, etc.

Okay, so this is where the giant leap of faith comes in.  I feel like a Nike ad: but I just did it.  I just got fed up with a dully unfulfilling, "on the surface it looks good" life.

But I can honestly tell you, I would NEVER have found a shred of the happiness I have now, inside (as that's where happiness IS) had I not done this.

Pain is NOT a horrible thing...it teaches us things about ourselves.  Pain is not meant to be habitual.  Pain as a lifestyle is no life at all.  My ex N is in extreme pain, that's why he is angry, mean and drinks.  He will probably never look at what his pain has to tell him.  Much too hard.  I think he is a coward because of this....a real failure of a human, in that he has the same opportunity we all have to find things out, to awaken, but he most likely will not be able to.  So sad....but I must move on and continue to protect my children from that as a lifestyle.

Anyway, FEAR was the other thing I had to face down....as it kept me avoiding looking at the pain.  The thing about fear is that it is the opposite of love.  I had a lot of love to help me.  I was the one, though, that decided to love myself, and then sought out opportunities to find support for it.  Some things just landed on my lap in the process!  Amazing what happens if you open up....to love, to pain, to everything.

And that led me to FAITH which is your original question.  This all led me to believe in myself, in God/universe/divine love/others etc etc.  So I guess I would say, start the process (you have). Open up, look at your pain.  Explore it.  Don't be afraid.  Go ahead and cry, vent, find a therapist, trust someone else, make mistakes, cry some more, but KNOW the answers will come. Don't push it....let it happen. ALLOW.
So it starts with faith and belief and it ends there too.

Sorry for the ramble....I hope you find your way.  I think you will.

[A Guest]

Mum,

Thank you so much for sharing with me your journey of personal growth  Your rambling was definitely helpful to me   I always appreciate hearing other ppl's personal accounts and insights into what I am working on myself.

I find myself agreeing with what you said about the advantage pain can play in our lives to help us understand ourselves better and which we can either to accept or deny it.

I like to know what others think about this thought:  is it possible to truly have faith in anything, if you don't have faith in yourself first?  For example, can you truly have faith in humanity if you don't already have faith in yourself?  Isn't this where fear or anxiety comes into play?  Could it be that ppl who fear are ppl who don't have faith in themselves?  

By the way, Mum, I'm looking forward to start reading "The Dance of Anger" that you've suggested.  From reading the excerpts of the book it is something I can relate to.

Also, thanks Bunny for your book recommendations.  I find them fascinating as well.  But I'm still hung over with the spiritual overtone of them though.

Fellow Traveler

[bunny]

I like to know what others think about this thought:  is it possible to truly have faith in anything, if you don't have faith in yourself first?  For example, can you truly have faith in humanity if you don't already have faith in yourself?  Isn't this where fear or anxiety comes into play?  Could it be that ppl who fear are ppl who don't have faith in themselves?

You don't need to begin with faith in yourself. That's the end result. What is needed is a foundation of values, morals, ethics, standards, boundaries, and skills to deal with life. In addition, knowing what you like and don't like (i.e., having an identity). When we've learned and developed these things, confidence comes, and with confidence is the ability to handle stuff better; it creates a positive feedback loop.
 
bunny

[Anonymous]

Dear A Guest:

Another thing might be to take account of your accomplishments.  This is because of the theory that people feel good about themselves when they accomplish things.  With each accomplishment comes a little more self esteem.
These don't have to be big accomplishments and often, we do not give ourselves credit for those little things we have done or are doing right, or even consider that we might do.

What if you make a list of some of the things you've been able to do and maybe some you would like to do?  As you set small goals and reach them, remember to acknowledge these successes to yourself.   This is not to say you are what you do, just that in doing stuff you can say I've done this or that, and allow yourself to feel a sense of accomplishment each time.  You may find this difficult if you have a belief that ignors or deminishes these small successes and you may find that to be one belief that needs to be adjusted.  By doing and succeeding and taking account, that adjustment will slowly happen.

Best of luck to you.

GFN

[daylily]

Isn't it true that our core beliefs dictate our thoughts, words, and deeds?

I don't think so.  I believe everybody carries around a few "sets" of beliefs, and that, given the circumstances, one set or another dictates what you do at a given moment.  Yes, some beliefs about ourselves were "programmed" into us.  But others are learned experientially.  A child comes to believe she can sing because it occurs to her to sing, she does, and people respond positively.  The more she repeats the experience, the more she reinforces the belief that singing is something she's good at.  And it really doesn't matter too much whether she has a parent or some other important person standing in the background hissing, "You fool.  Of course you can't really sing."  In her heart, she knows that person is just wrong, and her life will never be fulfilled until she finds a way to live her core belief, proven by her experience, that she singing is what she was put here to do.  She also knows that someone important to her will lie to her, and that causes a lot of pain.

I think that it is because you know these "core beliefs" are wrong that you feel tension, depression, disappointment--that you're willing to keep striving for something better.  If you simply accepted the beliefs, you would live them without question.  And because your spirit rebels against them, I can't really accept that they are you "core" beliefs.  I'm not trying to question your honesty; I'm just saying that in my own life, I have had to face this truth:  "If I really believed what the most negative people in my life tell me, I would just accept my inferiority and live in service to my betters.  But I don't accept it, so I have to face the possibility that I am using others' negativity and criticism as a screen to hide behind, so I don't have to confront my own fear of failure."

I used to be absolutely certain that effort had to be grounded in a sense of possibility.  Now I'm not so sure.  It may be that joy is more fertile soil.  I find that when I do what I love to do, what feels effortless and natural, I don't count the cost or dread the consequences.  I have a long way to go before I can say I'm "living" that truth, but I do believe that  I will miss a lot of satisfaction if I pin my sense of accomplishment on results rather then process.

I agree completely with what Mum said:  the key is overcoming fear--of failure, of ridicule, of proving your most deeply-held ideas about who you are to be wrong.  But your "core beliefs" must transcend that fear--in short, you have to believe is that you have value even if your worst fears come true.

Do I know how you learn that?  No.  I am very much in the process of doing it, and I feel like a complete failure most days.  But as I read this thread, I find that I am wondering--much more for myself than for you--whether the journey doesn't begin with faith rather than with certainty.  Not faith in my abilities, but faith in my value, regardless of my abilities.  And I wonder if you would even be asking the questions you've asked if that faith wasn't already integral to your core beliefs.

I hope you don't take this as a challenge or criticism.  I am very much where you are, and I'm trying to share some insights I've had.  But I understand that everyone views these issues differently, and my intention is certainly not to offend.

Wishing you peace,
daylily

[mum]

Wow, Daylily!  That was beautiful...and so well put.  What wonderful thinking....you got me thinking, too.  It's a little bit like going down even further into ourselves....the "core" of the core, if you will.  That we must somehow have a tiny seed of faith that says: "of course this isn't what you are!" ....and perhaps that is where all of it begins...
Thank you for such well placed thoughts.

[Brigid]

Daylily,

I always love reading your posts.  You have such a beautiful way with words.

I find that when I do what I love to do, what feels effortless and natural, I don't count the cost or dread the consequences.

I spent the first third of my life searching for something to be good at.  Being raised without any support of love of my parents and the constant criticism of my father, the negative tapes were always running and keeping me from believing in myself.

Until I became a mom.  It was then that passion took over, I was able to bypass the negative tapes and I had the desire to be the best mom I could be.  That these little beings are totally defenseless and dependant upon us to care and provide for them certainly enters into it, but even as they got older and more independent, I kept striving to be there for them no matter what.  Even when my mother tried to discount my value as a mother and criticize my children and how I raised them, I could stand up to that, knowing that she was WRONG.  

I feel badly for someone who never finds that passion in their life that will make them feel successful and fulfilled.  Feeling accomplished at something is what gives us the faith to believe in ourselves.  It probably is what will also allow for adjustments to the core belief system that may be keeping us stuck in a negative and sad place.

Brigid