Shattered illusions....What now?

[Chicken]

((Spyralle))

That post really upset me...  How complicated and messed up life can be... 

I am so sorry you were born into a family with such horrid, selfish, inconsiderate, cold, uncaring, shallow people.  Where was the love in that family?  It makes me feel like getting sick just hearing about it.  It's so disgusting.  Are you still in touch with them?  I really would have cut them out of my life if I were you.  What your mother said about her diary is callous.  What a bitter twisted horrible woman, sorry I know she is your mother, but what Mother would do that to her child?  Oh my God...

I am not surprised that you find yourself repeating the same patterns, you are meerly trying to make sense of them.  I really hope that you can someday see that you are not to blame, that you have been the victim of appalling treatment and that you are worthy of so much more than what you have had and given yourself so far.

Oh Spyralle, I hope you will see that.  Please take all the time in the world to climb to the place where you can see these horrific experiences for what they are. 

You deserve so much love and respect, I know someday you will get that.  I truly believe in that.

x Selkie x

[vunil]

I have to run but want to just say something to that heartbreaking message-  I agree that your mother is a LIAR, Spyralle, a projecting wicked liar.  Did you ever read "People of the Lie?"  It's a weird book and I don't agree with a lot of it but the basic idea of N's as evil does hit home, esp. for people like this.

If she wants to give you those diaries I suggest you make a very nice bonfire out of them.  Invite your friends over and have toasted marshmallows. 

You have a lot of escavating to do.  If they did all of these things I bet they did a lot of other horrible stuff, too.

I am appalled all over again.  Bleah to them.

[miss piggy]

Hello Spyralle,

Yes, just burn those diaries.  MP

[Plucky]

Oh Spyralle,
I want to add my voice to those pointing out what a sick bunch of liars your 'family' are, led by your sick sad mother.  In times like this I need to find something redeeming about the situation, so that I will not lose faith in humankind.  What I come up with is that the depth of sadness and pain you had experienced, will become the height of joy and freedom you will experience as you work through and discard all of the wrong, worthless, harmful information you absorbed all of the time you were growing up and well into your adulthood.

I know, we all know it is hard to discard the ideas that were drummed into us as children and young adults.  It is like discarding yourself, even though it is the false self that was built up by your oppressors.  But it is not the real you.  Your challenge is to realise that there is a real, good, valuable, innocent person who bears no resemblance to the evil portrait painted by your mother and accepted without question by the rest of your family.  The things she made you believe about yourself are so ludicrous that she had to have a child to tell them to, because any adult she tried this on, would not only have rejected them wholesale but had her committed.

I find it helpful when I am having trouble on an emotional level rejecting the false information I was fed by my N-mum to imagine myself treating someone else that way.  Imagine yourself doing to your daughter what was done to you.  Then apply the sense of nausea this provokes to your own case.   Your daughter deserves love and protection and self esteem.    She deserves the best.  Spyralle, so did you.  So DO you. 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.   Children learn by example.  If you treat her and others well but yourself badly, guess how she will behave as an adult.

I want to give you hugs and encouragement and love.

Plucky
 

[vunil]

I just realized something--- Spyralle, this might be really helpful to you:

This board, of very strong-willed folks with lots of different opinions, is UNITED in absolute agreement over the behavior of your mother and your brother.  That should be telling, no?  And it isn't just because you are telling the story in a certain way-- it's easy to see through when that is happening, or at least to wonder about it.  Nope.  It's just true-- they have been and probably continue to be horrible to you.

And I think the money is irrelevant. By taking their money you didn't agree to abuse from them. If that is what the bargain feels like, to you, then I agree that not taking the money is a good step.  But there is no objective contract, signed by all, whereby giving money entitles people to abandon others on mountaintops in the winter, etc.  There was a thread awhile ago (many months ago, I think) about whether it's ok to take money from N's.  It seemed to boil down to the taker's philosophy-- some liked the "payback" of the money as compensation for wrongs inflicted by the N, some liked the idea of being the taker for once and liked the money for that reason, and others felt that money is a tie and they didn't want any ties any more, so they stopped taking it. It's up to you.  But you have nothing to feel guilty about one way or another.

[spyralle]

Thank you so much everybody for responding,

This blindness to serious abusive stuff is so entrenched in me.  I want to believe so badly that it was not all my fault but it is very very hard.  It's funny even as I am typing this I am thinking that I am just being fake.  That I am attention seeking and that it wasn't really all that bad.  Since posting on this thread I am finding this more and more difficult.  It is very hard battling with the fact that my ex was abusing me, but I never realised how this would feel.  It has opened up some depth of pain in me that I am struggling terribly with.  The thoughts are swinging wildly around my head now.  Was it me, was it them, and then I read all your posts and Vunil you are right, you are united.  What seems terrible but not all that terrible to me appears to cause extreme gut reaction in everyone else.

My mum and my brother both have a very fragile quality about them that I cannot really put my finger on.  If anything went wrong at home, my mother would take to her bed and not get up for days.  i would always feel to blame and sometimes I would try to talk to her but she would remain straight faced and withdrawn.  As a child I guess this was quite frightening.  If i did something she didn't like, which was very common she would completely withdraw from me until the atmosphere was so thick you could always cut it.  i remember one Christmas, something happened.  I can't remember what it was but my mum just downed tools whilst cooking Christmas dinner and went to bed...  Another Christmas, my Aunty came to stay.  I was so excited for some reason about this trifle that my mum had made that I got it out of the frige to show her and then dropped it.  i was terrified of her reaction and spent all boxing day riding around on buses trying to find a shop open to buy new trifle ingredients.  my aunty was so shocked by my reaction that her and my mother did not speak for a year.

I was shy at school and very unkempt, not washing my hair or changing my socks etc....  I was bullied and one day one of the girls appeared at my house with her mother to try and sort it out.  My mother sided with the bully saying that there must be something about me that this girl didn't like...  She always does the same thing.  If a man leaves me etc...  If I go for an interview, she still tells me to tell the interviewers that she was a headmistress as she thinks that will get me the job.  I feel like a whiny child at the momennt trying to get all this out.  There is a voice in my head saying, it's not so bad it is just you.  I'm sorry but I'm just going to keep trying....  My mum and I haven't spoken for a few months as she has currently got in in for my daughter.  She cannot bear it that I stick up for my daughter and not for her.  She thinks it should be the other way around and is constantly describing how ill this is making her.  When I haven't phoned her before she tells me that because of me not caring, that she is withering away like a grape on a vine.....

I wish that I could tell her about my ex.  i wish she would not listen and not judge me but she would be appallled at me.... I wish she didn't have to keep trying to convince herself that I am nice really...

My head is so full of all this stuff.  I feel really lonely and low today

Sorry

Spyralle x

[vunil]

Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.

When do you see your therapist? You certainly have a lot to talk about this week!

You have a crazy mother.  That is a lot to deal with.  Just give yourself the time to deal with it-- you aren't going to suddenly have all of your thoughts and feelings lined up like little ducks in a row.  Relax-- I hope you don't feel as if anyone here is pushing you to suddenly have all possible insights and lack of grieving all at once.  None of us do that   It's impossible.  I think it's fabulous that you are dealing with all these family issues now-- that in itself is real progress.

Of course you'll grieve the mother you didn't get to have.  All you can do is be that mother to your daughter. 

Please be good to yourself.  You are going through a lot.  You are healing-- it's hard work!

[d'smom]

There is a voice in my head saying, it's not so bad it is just you. 

im glad you are going to keep at it.      it sounds like you have some internal dialogue going on.  have you ever thought about  affirmations? they can take a while to work but theyve helped me a lot.

you probly dont want to use this one but --- since 'the voice' is saying "its not that bad'"

the most obvious one would be "it -was- that bad"  (which would be fine) but if you want to get more positive -

'i deserve to be treated with respect and caring'.  

or

'my perceptions are valid and im safe now'.

or.....

'it is ok for me to see the truth'.

? you know. whatever will help you start chipping away slowly at that voice at your own speed.  
just a thought.
((((()))))

[amethyst]

There is a voice in my head saying, it's not so bad it is just you. 

im glad you are going to keep at it.      it sounds like you have some internal dialogue going on.  have you ever thought about  affirmations? they can take a while to work but theyve helped me a lot.

you probly dont want to use this one but --- since 'the voice' is saying "its not that bad'"

the most obvious one would be "it -was- that bad"  (which would be fine) but if you want to get more positive -

'i deserve to be treated with respect and caring'.  

or

'my perceptions are valid and im safe now'.

or.....

'it is ok for me to see the truth'.

? you know. whatever will help you start chipping away slowly at that voice at your own speed.  
just a thought.
((((()))))

What wonderful wisdom! My hubby and I know a therapist (a personal friend) who used to run workshops for children of trauma. She would always say,"It's ok to take the time you need to heal. It takes as long as it takes and it's abusive to yourself to rush your yourself."

[longtire]

Spyralle, does that voice in your head talk in your mother's voice?  It isn't your voice or you would just think it like *you* do all the rest of the time.  The fact that this is a little voice in your head tells me it isn't yours.  BTW, I still haven't found a single "little voice" in my own head that wasn't just a lying SOB.

[jordanspeeps]

I'm not saying I am a saint.  There are many occasions when I have lost it and then I get cast in an even darker light than i am already.  She has helped me out a lot over the years with money.  You know what though, if I had the time to do again I would go it alone.  She feels that she owns me you see, and that includes the innermost secrets that I carry...   

if i may, spyralle, you really shouldn't cast your own self in such a negative light.  you are a beautiful person, that pretty flower growing from the crack in the cement.  don't get bogged down in the worrying about taking your mom's Nmoney.  Ns use money as a tool of their manipulation and overall mindf*ck.  Don't succumb to the guilt associated with having used her money in the past.  Someone prominent, i'm so sorry i don't remember who, said that Ns specialize in not just manipulating you directly, but have a gift of leaving what he called ticking "timebombs," set to explode in your mind at a later date.  I hope your therapy enables you to de-fuse some of these timebombs before they do more emotinal damage.

the best to you, you so deserve it!

tif

[amethyst]

Spyralle, does that voice in your head talk in your mother's voice?  It isn't your voice or you would just think it like *you* do all the rest of the time.  The fact that this is a little voice in your head tells me it isn't yours.  BTW, I still haven't found a single "little voice" in my own head that wasn't just a lying SOB.

Roflmao!! Oh God, how true about the voices in the head. And sometimes they are not so "little" either. I used to have bullhorns in my brain. Being equally visual, I used to have headlines or tickers that proclaimed in the largest bold type, "AMETHYST IS A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE!!."

One thing that really helped me was to write all those parental messages down. When I did that, I could see how crazy and even contradictory they were.

I do believe there is a small inner voice that is part of my true self. It seems to be located somewhere between my heart and my gut, both of which have proven to be much wiser than the head.
 

[miss piggy]

Hi spyralle,

Writing down how you feel about what happened to you is one of the most healing things you can do.  What is so nice about this board is people get it.  But even  if we didn't, we would still be interested in what you have to say and how you are feeling.  I feel whiny at times too.  So what if you are just trying to get attention--you probably need some!  There's enough attention and interest to go around here.

And as Michaelangelo told the pope, "You can't rush a masterpiece".     MP

[irishrose]

Hi Spryalle

This is one of the most moving threads I have ever read about abuse.  It IS your mother's voice in your head.  I know with certainty because apart from individual 'events' being different, your mother and mine must have been identical twins seperated at birth.  Re: the money - view it as compensation, if a stranger had abused you so badly, you would be entitled.

The diaries: in the event of her death, burn each and every toxic page of them, mix the ashes with some rose petals (you) and place them in a container in her coffin.  Don't let the depraved b*tch abuse you from beyond the grave.

[Chicken]

my aunty was so shocked by my reaction that her and my mother did not speak for a year.

Here's more proof that you are not to blame-  I'm sure your aunt knew how your mother was treating you.  Have you ever talked to your aunt about this and other incidents?

My mother sided with the bully saying that there must be something about me that this girl didn't like...  She always does the same thing. .

What a horrible horrible woman.  No sympathy?  Siding with the bully?  Oh my God, that woman was out to hurt you.  Everything you say tells me that she just wanted to hurt you really bad, I don't know what issues that woman had but her happiness/pleasure depended on putting you down.  It seemed like she welcomed any opportunity to make you suffer.  I am so speechless...  I am finding it so difficult to express just what a piece of work this mangled woman is.  The thing that hurts me the most is that you don't see it and you blame yourself and you think you don't deserve any better, because if you felt that you did deserve better, you wouldn't find yourself in the relationship that you just found yourself in.  I hope you are dealing with all this stuff with your therapist?  Are you happy with your therapist Spyralle?  Is she good, do you think?

I feel like a whiny child at the moment trying to get all this out.  There is a voice in my head saying, it's not so bad it is just you.  .

Please don't contribute to the pain any more than you have done already.  Please don't kick yourself when you're down.  That voice has got to be silenced.  Don't take any sh*t from that voice any more Spyralle, you are an adult now, learn to fight back with that voice.  You couldn't do that as a child but you can now.  That voice has no power over you anymore and keep telling yourself that.  Get to the bottom of it.  Why don't you write down this argument with this voice and see what you come up with.  I find that really helps me, it is amazing what comes out of it.

that she is withering away like a grape on a vine......

I hope she does wither away like a grape on a vine, the branch in which she clings to isn't worthy of her

I wish that I could tell her about my ex.  i wish she would not listen and not judge me but she would be appallled at me.... I wish she didn't have to keep trying to convince herself that I am nice really......

I'd be careful of this kind of stuff if I were you...It's the classic scenario that keeps you in abusive situations...  whether it be with your Mum, or a relationship that mirrors it....  It's that constant "if only they would see my side of things, If only I could get through to her etc etc "  The hardest part is walking away -suprisingly- one would think you'd run a mile from her- but there's a part that keeps you in it, and that's the part that needs her, you have needs that need to be met.  That's the same part that needs your ex, the part of you that has been hard done by.  There is a huge injustice here and you are going to the wrong people to undo that injustice.  They will never give you that.   

My head is so full of all this stuff.  I feel really lonely and low today
......

I replied to your PM before I read this post, I guess this explains just why it is that you are down.  You are grieving a big big loss Spyralle.  Be good to yourself, you have been through a tough time.  You will get through this.  As the old saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, take it one step at a time

Thinking of you & Rooting for you,

x Selkie x