Well, I will side with David P here on this one. Can the excuse of "I'm not valued enough by my wife" be just an excuse for other reasons, including NPD, selfishness or temporary insanity? Absolutely! Can it also be the best way a man knows to explain "my wife uses indirect techniques to avoid intimacy with me?" Absolutely, again! Does that mean it is his fault or her fault? Hard for me to say. I could see it as the first if the wife had been asking for the things she needs without the husband doing anything useful about it. I could see it as the second if the wife doesn't bother to express her needs and leaves the husband to guess about it all, since she's already put more emotional stock in her friends, kids, etc. and no longer expects anything useful from her husband. The more I delve down into these situations in my own life, the less I see victim and victimizer as much as two people trapped by their own ignorance. Ignorance of themselves more than of the other, though that is there too.
In my case, my wife's relationship with her mother has ALWAYS been more important to her than her relationship to me. I only realized this within the last 2 years or so. Actually, I think that she has been enmeshed with her mother all her life. That is certainly what her mother tried to force her to do while she was growing up. I had no chance. It so extreme, that when my wife "sees" or "hears" me, she can't figure out why her mother is saying or doing that.

In other words, she has a hard time relating to me because she has not sufficiently individuated from her mother yet. I'm pretty sure that this one is not my fault.

I'm also sure there are many other, less extreme, versions of this one as well with both men and women.
I told my wife many times what I wanted and needed. She always forgot or, worse, claimed I had never told her. She blamed me for her not meeting any of my needs and wants. I would have been much happier if she told me to stuff it, that she did not feel like meeting any of my needs and wants. But, being co-dependent as I WAS, I would patiently or not so patiently tell her again for the hundredth time. When I asked what she wanted, she would reluctantly tell me. But then, somehow I could never do it right, or often enough, or in the right way, or at the right time, etc. If I really tried extremely hard for a while, she would grudgingly admit that I had done it right after all, but now she realizes she needs step 2 as well before she can reciprocate in any positive way. Oh, and she would never admit on her own that I had done what she asked or that it had any value to her, I had to ask why it still wasn't having any positive effect. When I reached step 2 there was a step 3, and on and on. I never once got to the end of this endless chain. I believe with her it is about appearing good and "normal" and perfect, but doing anything to avoid intimacy as that stimulates her panic and terror of the overwhelmed enmeshment she had with her mother gorwing up. On one hand, she hates her mother and wants to escape from her. On the other hand, she is completely connected and terrified of being alone. What can I do in the face of that? Again, I'm sure that there are many degrees of this with both men and women.
At this point, I'm less concerned about being valued by my wife as I would being treated like a human being rather than an object, and not being verbally and emotionally abused any longer. What if she were less rigid? Would I be the one saying "She doesn't value me," right now too? If I were less co-dependent and terrified of abandonment, would I simply have left a long time ago? After re-reading this, I'm not sure if it adds to the discussion, but if feels good to get it off my chest.
