Did it

[longtire]

Well, I told my wife that I am getting a divorce today.  I went by a couple of times yesterday, but she was out.  I was having a lot of fear and doubt yesterday and even this morning.  I could have found 100 easy ways to NOT call, let me tell you.  By today she had discovered that my full paycheck did not go into our joint account.  I had only transferred enough money to cover the bills for the other house and her "allowance."  She called to ask what was up and I told her I would come by to explain.  Well, she called back after fifteen minutes and said she wanted me to tell her over the phone rather than coming over.  So, I did.

I told her that I had my paycheck going into my account and would transfer enough money over to cover things.  When she asked why, I told her that I have decided to get a divorce.  She asked when she would be served and I told her that I hoped we could work things out, or at least find the areas of disagreement and go to mediation.  I figure that I will give it a couple of days and get in touch again to work out how we can work out an arrangement.  She asked when I was going to tell our daughter.  I asked if she wanted to be involved, and she said, "No, I wan't *you* to do it."  I didn't think it was possible at this point, but she went down a LONG WAY in my opinion with that.  What a selfish, cowardly, manipulative cop out!    I feel angry, disappointed, and shocked once again.  How can her behavior continue to shock me after all this time?

So, I asked my D to come over today and after a little small talk, I told her.  She cried, and I hugged her, feeling awful.  Its my job as parent to protect and provide for her and I can't do that in this situation.  We talked some and I reassured her that it was OK to feel whatever she does feel.  We talked a little about anger and how it is part of grieving and that it is OK with me for her to express anything that she feels to me, even the tough stuff and I would never go away or love her any less.  She said the hardest thing for her was not that we are splitting up, but that she had just started getting used to the current separation and now this just puts everything up in the air again.  I told how sorry I am that this makes things harder for her and how that is the last thing I want, but sometimes these things happen.  She left after a while to drive around and clear her head.  She said she will come back later.  I made sure she was OK to drive before I let her go and asked her to give me a call if she doesn't come back today, just to let me know she's OK.

My D told me that the thing she is most afriad of is having to move out of the house we all lived together in.  After that, I am willing to work something out with my wife to let her stay there for a few years.  I'm really not sure I would want to live there ever again.  I'll find some way to give my daughter that much stability at least.

I'm exhausted, but glad that I didn't back off this time.  I'm much more clear now on what I need and what I want in life.  I'm also much more clear on myself in general.    Thank God.

[Bloopsy]

(longtire))I am so proud of you. Congradulations for getting away from someone who was hurting you and thank you for sharing the journey here--- it has been super inspirational and i look forward to hearing how the rest of your journey goes. It ws also really wonderful to hear how sensitively you treated your D--- the world needs more dads like you. xoxo

[Sallying Forth]

Tough one, longtire. AND you did it! Congratulations!

You handled things with your D so well. You are a great dad.

[David P]

Hi Mr. Longtire, you sound just like the Dad that I wanted but never had.You are cool man. May be you could adopt me? Brigid is my adopted Mom and you could be my Dad. ???

David P.

[longtire]

Hi Mr. Longtire, you sound just like the Dad that I wanted but never had.You are cool man. May be you could adopt me? Brigid is my adopted Mom and you could be my Dad. ???

Sounds good to me!  I think you are aboue a decade younger than me, right?  That would probably put me up there with the youngest fathers ever. I have to warn you though.  Vunil is my sister, so you have to be ready for her being your aunt.  That is probably OK now, she seems less cranky since she had her baby.  She's probably just plain too tired these days. 

[Plucky]

This is wonderful, Longtire.  Kudos for taking the high road and doing the right thing.  You said all the right things to your daughter.  I note she did not say that she thought you ought to stay together!  
If you think your wife is not going to surprise you any more, I have some bad news for you.  If you think it has been ugly before, steel yourself.  I am saying this because I know you are on the right path, but I don't want you to be blindsided by your irrational belief that there is some level below which she will not sink.
Please post often and in detail.  I am saying this selfishly because I am trying to screw up the courage to think about divorce myself.
With all my support
Plucky

[vunil]

Congrats, Longtire.  I know it is bittersweet, but it must also be a relief and a victory.

[miss piggy]

Hello Longtire,

May I add my congratulations also?  Way to go.  It takes a lot of guts. 

I'm also glad you got the chance to tell your D yourself vs. trying to deal with any interference her mother might have thrown in.  You did great.

It also sounds like your STB X will try to pump you for information and get you to telegraph your moves.  Find some replies ahead of time to hold her off and do all the talking in the mediation and/or court.  I don't know why she asked when she is being served unless she is going to try and line up her ducks PDQ.  Protect yourself, friend.  You can answer "I'll get back to you" or "you'll find out when the time comes" or "you should discuss that with your lawyer".  It took me alwhile to learn that I don't have to answer a question if I don't want to!

Again, congratulations!!!  Miss Piggy

[Marta as guest]

Hi Longtire,

Congratulations!!!!!!!! I was going to add a few smileys, but then again this is hardly the ocasion to be happy. No matter what, you must be feeling the pain of shattered illusions. I am so glad that the much dreaded moment is past, and you did a very good job of breaking it all to D.

Happy to be part of this moment, Marta

[onlyrenting]

Longtire, I know you must have thought of everything before you anounced the next move to divorce.
I know you are a brave soul, kind, understanding and want to do the right thing.

Congats to you!!!! Take care of yourself for the battle, get lots of sleep and stay positive.
You have the strength to overcome what ever STBX will have for you.
Don't second guess yourself, you are of good character, protect yourself and your future.

You know your wife and where she lives (her true motivations) Don't get tired of the fight and  give into her.
She will ask for all your money and want everything, making you feel guilty. Write down a list before she wares you down, Don't give in, if it's on that list. She will be looking out for only herself, while you will be concerned if your being a good EX, or good Dad. Try and have balance in these areas, the scales may not always be even but get them as close as possible.   

I wanted to cry for your D, she will have to face some of her dreams will not come true for the family to get back together. We all know this was not your first choice, it never is. This is where you are now, new dreams will come, you may not be where you want now, but not being where you were, shows such growth.

Today the Judge will decide about child custody, recomended by the mediator, I should have full legal and physical custody. It is all bitter sweet.... no matter how it goes I too wanted the dreams for the perfect family.
I must protect myself, I asked for what I wanted, my voice was heard. It's up to the judge now to make it legal. I know many here helped me believe in my voice, so please don't fear and scream what it is you wish for YOUR future. ................

Take care Long, we are here for you, like you are for so many on this board.......Your my Hero!!!!......OR

 

[longtire]

Well, I was coming here to post for help and luckily I checked my Email first!  I was doing well today until a little while ago.  I saw my STBXUBPDW (Soon To Be Ex Undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Wife) at a school function of my daughter's.  Actually she walked right by me and didn't appear to see me.  I guess that set me off, and I started to doubt my decision and feeling really bad for my daughter who doesn't deserve any of this.  It just occurred to me, can emotional vampires project their crap without words and without touching?  Just by walking by and ignoring?

At no time tonight did I think that there is any possible way we could get back together.  I wasn't seriously reconsidering my decision, I guess I was just feeling bad about it.  Now, somehow that seems familiar.  I just realized that's how I can tell what is going on next time it happens.  If I know it is the right decision, but I feel bad about it, then maybe it's some projected feelings.  When I doubt my decision, I go back over all the evidence and steps and come back to the same conclusion.  That doesn't work in cases like this.  I think I need to see these situations for the projection they are and that really helps.  Any ideas on how I can be not such a good screen for her projection?

The other thing that helped is that STBXUBDPW sent me an Email reply this afternoon "rebutting" all the points in my rejection of paying for her birthday plans with my daughter.  After I told her that I wanted a divorce yesterday.  No hint of that in her reply today.  Stupifying!  Anyway, that shocked me back to my senses.  She told me that it was all our daughter's idea and she had nothing to do with it (except charging all the overpriced scalper tickets before letting me know anything about it).  Oh, and my daughter "will be the one discussing all her needs with me from now on."  About time, why was STBXUBPDW getting in the way in the first place?  (That's a rhetorical question, I actually know the answer pretty well by now.)

[David P]

Hey Dad, how's it going?
When I was in college,one of my teachers said something like," The Art of Engineering is in the manipulation of Men, Materials and Money."
For the next four years he only talked about Materials. I had no clue about managing men or money,so one day I went to him and asked him about the art of managing people. He just sort of shrugged and said ,"Just make statements of your intent." Huh? He went on to explain,"Do not waste much of your energy on negotiating with OTHERS about what they are willing to do -just tell them what YOU intend to do and then they can decide if they want to come along for the ride."
It took me another few years to *GET* this principle..

DP in Tx

[miss piggy]

Hi Longtire,

Well, it sounds like you're still a little "hooked", that is, watching your STBXYZETC for her reactions and moves.  As we tell our kids "play your own game".  That is, make your own moves towards what you want vs. reacting to what she does.  (No one likes to be snubbed, but who cares?  She definitely has a problem).  From now on, please recognize that what comes out of her mouth is simply noise.  It is not communication.  I might also hazard a guess that you are still looking for some validation, approval, or acknowledgement that you are doing the right thing.  I repeat, you won't get anything but static from her.  This does not make you a bad, inadequate, nasty, repugnant, unkind person.  With your own growth you have discovered your incompatibility with her vampirism.  Hey, I think most people would feel incompatible after the vampire's seduction! 

David, you are so lucky to have had an engineering prof as a lifecoach.    I remember seeing (a long time ago) a brief snippet of a show about a camp for troubled children.  They were quite young.  The counselor explained that he talks to the kids about what works and what doesn't instead of "good" and "bad".  I've always remember this and used this line many times with my H and myself.  It's been really useful.

MP

[Brigid]

Longtire,
I would strongly agree with what MP has said regarding playing your own game and not looking to your STBX for any kind of acknowledgement or validation.  Even in the best of divorce situations, the person being left will be angry for a time with the person leaving. 

I don't necessarily agree that all communication with your wife regarding your daughter is best coming through your daughter.  I think that is unfair to her and puts her in an awkward position.  I know, because my x chose to do this also to avoid having to deal with me.  My daughter hated being in that position.  After two years, we can finally communicate with each other in a cordial fashion and no longer have to put her in the middle.  Just a word of caution.

Brigid

[longtire]

David, you're pretty smart.  Must be a chip off the old block, eh?   Yes, I am moving in the direction that seems right to me, that I've known is right for me from the beginning.  I hoped for a long time that her direction and mine would not be so different.

Miss P. I do think I am still hooked, but a lot less than I used to be and still working on it.  I expect her to wake up any moment now and admit she was wrong and put an end to this nightmare.  There is part of me that still doesn't believe that this is really the way she is.  Hmm.....  I think I need to do some more work on letting go of romantic fantasies.  Actually, I think this situation is an improvement over where I was in the past.  Back then, I kept hoping *I* would wake up and this nightmare would end.  I did wake up finally, but found the nightmare was not coming from my mind.  Luckily my brain knows the truth now, it just takes some reminding for my emotions to catch up each time.

Brigid, I didn't mean to imply that my daughter would need to bear all requests to me from now.  I have had a problem with the way that my STBX would triangulate and put herself between my daughter and I.  Then she would claim that I had to go along with whatever she decided, since my daughter wanted it that way.  I have come to realize that this was another way should could have the illusion of power and control.  I do hope that my STBX and I can maintain effective communication over our daughter's needs throughout this.  The last thing I want to do is put my daughter in the middle.  I won't even let her take the misaddressed mail back when she comes to visit.  It is my job to communicate with her mother, not her job to be messenger.