Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this message board. I am very happy to have found it. Both of my parents are narcissists. I know this for many reasons, but the most important one is because they both completely lack the ability for empathy. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to recover from all of the damage they caused. Barely anyone in my life knows about my pain/suffering because I don't like/want to share it with others and because I don't have too many friends. But I feel very alone/lonely because of my past. I'm writing on this message board because I want to share my experiences and connect with others who have had to endure a similar fate.
In terms of growing up without attachments, in my case, I know that my mother was neglectful of me. I know this because of other people's accounts of my childhood. My grandmother, who lived near my family until I was 2, told me that as a baby I was very dirty and that my mother rarely washed me. I've also been told by several relatives that my mother would leave me on a baby toilet (I don't know what they are called), naked in front of the TV for hours on end and that this happened regularly. When my mother recounts it, she thinks it really cute. I think it's absolutely horrible. There are more stories, but the crux of it is that my mother was way, way too involved in herself to care adequately for me.
How has that affected me? Well, I feel like every couple of months I come to understand the depths of my parent's damage at a more profound level. At a deep, emotional level, I have a good idea of what I lost in having a narcissistic mother. I can't put it into words, but my mind and heart constantly search for those maternal feelings. I didn't realize these strong longings until I entered therapy. I had a great relationship with my therapist (female) for a few years until I began to want her to be my mother! I mean, I actually asked her to be my mother!! In my mind, she was an opportunity to get what I had never received: attention, affection, empathy, kindness, caring, structure...the list goes on. Well, now I understand I was acting narcisistically by objectifying her in an attempt to get what I so desperately never had. Even though I know this now at an intellectual level, however, I still succumb to the hope of turning her into my mother at times. This longing for a mother (as well as a father) has deeply effected my ability to form fulfilling and meaningful relationships (among a myriad of other issues).
After five years, I am beginning to get better. I am still often filled by sadness when I try new activity, but this is much better than a few years ago when I never went out except for work....New situations force me to realize just how much I've lost...Yesterday I went to a orchestral performance by myself and I sat behind a young couple in their early 20's. I don't know what was going on in that couple's interaction, but I began to imagine all of the 20 something's that have made lasting connections with other people at that age...who have a completely different perspective on life than myself...For people from healthy families, the world is so much easier to comprehend emotionally and psychologically. I mean, when I meet someone new, somewhere in the back of my mind alway lingers a fear that this new person will invade my emotional and psychological space, will cross and violate every boundary, will put me down and make me feel powerless, helpless. Someone who hasn't experienced a childhood like mine doesn't have to deal with this reality, doesn't have to deal with this possibility.
In the above situations, my sadness, unfortunately, often comes out as anger directed mostly at the few people in my life that care about me.
I could go on because I have so many other thoughts, but I'll stop here for now. I look forward to reading your posts and sharing with all of you.
Thanks for reading.
