Choices & how to teach your daughter about the facts of life....

[Hopalong]

HE COULDN'T BRING HIMSELF TO ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS!!!. He probably thinks he did, that's the disorder. He probably finsihed that email thinking he'd shown all sorts of interest. Has no idea how he brought it all back to himself over and over...how flat and heavy and boring it is.

Why on earth do you think I'm not interested in you? You are the only family I've got.
That about says it all. Nothing to say about you being special, unique, and a gift from heaven and the light of his life, as a normal father would. Nope. He just wished to possess a relative. No real curiosity about you as a unique person, he's not really interested, it's all about him, over and over...

your job--he's jealous
your food interests--he's too superior to notice food
counseling--he already has the answer: everything is the fault of bad children
your swimming fear--he had a fear once but he triumphed over it (trumpets, please)
your writing to him--he's so jealous he wants to spoil your pleasure in writing at work (so he mentions you getting in trouble)....since N envy is so huge and so unaware...he'd probalby sabotage you just to STOP you from doing well, being healthy, having a good job and a happy life....

Makes me wanna go get a Qtip and scrub out my ears.

How are you doing, ((((((((H & H))))))))))))))??

Hope he has a nice float......far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Portia]

hahaha Hoppy! good morning to you. I love your concise demolition! Suck-sink-t and to the point.

Personally I think we have an A-grade N in your Dad H&H. My opinion

Trotting off to my thread now for a bit of 'work'. I know now why this is called work.....see you later, P

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Portia))))))))))))))))))))))))

First of all.... how are you?

Then... Why are you feeling angry?   Share with me hon.....   Don't worry about anger not be beneficial to me... sometimes we can share our most honest thoughts when angry.

How does it feel to be an adult abused child?  Well I laughed initially.... who me, an adult abused child... then I thought shit.... and now I think hey ho, I'm still ok.

I haven't read Homecoming.... I'll look it up.  I almost picked up "Sickened" yesterday about a girl who grew up with her Mum who had a disorder, where she had to go through lots of tests and operations as she grew up.

(((((((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))))

My word Hop, that's quite some insight you seen.... I realised some of it, but nothing to that extent.  I actually feel like whooping with joy!

How you doing Hoppy?


H&P.... I'm in and out of meetings today, just had one now and got another this afternoon, but my plan is to log in when I get a chance....

And since you asked P,.... here you go... breakdown.....
Why on earth do you think I'm not interested in you? You are the only family I've got. Any relationship requires commitment, and work from both parties....not one always giving in to the other. It is a 'partnership' requiring give and take from both people. There is a saying 'do unto others, as you would have them do to you'. This however can lead to problems, as people want different things.
Ok... going through this again.  This confused me... I mean really confused me.  Because it says of course I'm interested in you... what is wrong with you that makes you think I'm not!

I once said to someone I was ok when people got to know me. I was given the answer 'yes, but why should they bother'. I learnt from that, in fact as usual it's easy to be wise after the event.
Bizarre.... don't know what else to say except bizarre.

I suppose I volunteer information, instead of waiting for people to ask. This of course could be why you mistakenly think I'm not interested in others. I expect them to do the same. I'm also an open, and honest person, with nothing (or little) to hide.
I've lost count the amount of times he's told me what an open and honest person he is with nothing to hide.  He expects others to do the same and it's my mistake that I think he's not interested in others.  Actions speak louder than words, don't they? 

So tell me about yourself. After all, when you think about it, I've really seen very little of you, apart from when you were here. Is there any wonder we were strangers, who couldn't understand one another when you came.
This pees me off.... I see so little of you apart from when you came to me... as you haven't come to me, it's no surprise that we didn't understand each other.

And this is the one from the next day....
Hi - you say I need a job. Well get me a job like yours, that I can email my friends while getting paid <grin>. I can do that from home of course.
Bollocks... he's actually allergic to the word work!

I know you like, and are interested in food. It's just I find life has so much to offer, and so many interesting things to do, that I've never really had time to bother much with the delights of eating.
As Hoppy says... yes you have this interest, he dismisses and and goes on about how much better things he has to do.... which are.... ah yes, boating and the dog. 

As to the boating. I also understand (probably because I am your Father) how you can't swim, and don't like water. There is a way (the posh name is Systamatic Desensitisation) to get used to things that frighten you, or you are mentally unable to do. For instance I was unable to walk past the factory entrance on Waterside North after I had to leave. I did however want to go past on a boat. I think this stems from all the days walking back, especially on a sunny day, when I longed for a boat to come past, and invite me aboard, to stop me having to go back inside the hated place.
Again there's that "I understand because I'm your father"... Bullshit and bollocks....

However, having the boat I often talked to people at the lock at Bardney. One day, I saw someone who I knew in the lock at Stamp End, and walked round to see them. This was from the other end of the road, near Lincs FM. I walked back into town past the gates. This took some doing, but I had to go into town to the market stall (despite what you think, some days it is difficult for me to walk too far, or I suffer if I do) and it was a long way to walk back around and over the bridge. Soon I was walking past daily, as there is now a footpath alonside the river up to the Lock. It took about a year, but I can now walk past without making myself do it, or even thinking about it. Ken's wife is the same as you, and it took a little nerve from her, and helping hands from us at first to get on the boat, but now she likes it, although doesn't move about.
This.... oh you can come on my boat.... I've managed to get someone else who doesn't like boating to get on it.  That last bit makes me laugh actually.... Ken's wife likes it, although she doesn't move about.  That sounds like someone's have a whale of a time on his boat.

I know it is difficult with divorced parents.......one reason I do not believe in divorce. It's another thing I'm 'different'. I do not believe the view 'just because you have children you should have to sacrifice your life'. Once you have children, your life comes second BUT the children have to respect you, and your views. This is the main reason for most of societies ills today.
By respect you and your views, this means.... think the same... don't allow your child to think for herself or have an opinion... heck, she might be able to see you for who you are!!!!

As I've already told you. You don't have to worry about me seeing them at your wedding.  I'm not too bothered about tradition, and I've enough strength of character now, not to worry what people think of me, however unfair that might be.
This is more bollocks.... I'm not bothered about tradition, however I'm going to say your marriage is doomed, you lie and expect things because you've chose your stepdad to walk you down the isle.  I don't worry what people think of me.... however as long as they think nice things and no one criticises me!!!!

Seeing councillors etc. is ok, but only really any good if both people, or parties see them. They need to be the mediator, to explain to the other person, or persons. The problem with this is, often the guilty party i.e. the one causing the problem will not accept the facts, or the solution. They will not accept they are the one at fault.
More Bollocks (sorry for the overuse of the word bollocks.... need better swear words!!!)... this is my fault....pure and simple... bollocks!!!!

Talking of celebrities, personally I don't think there is any such thing. Tony Curtis once said in an interview when he was asked if he was working 'I don't work, work is digging a ditch'. Acting and singing is something you do for entertainment, after your 'proper' job. That is not to say it doesn't take a lot of skill, or talent, or that it is not hard work.
I'm getting bored now.... blah blah blah.....

So, to go back to the start. Writing is work, so writing this email is work. The only difference is you get paid to write to me, but I have to do it for nothing. Did you know, your employer can have you charged with theft, theft of time. I hastily add, I think this is right, but am not totally sure. You see, I still work 24 hours a day, it's just I don't get paid for it <grin>.
Poor Me.... even though I choose to do this, to live like this.... I don't get any money for writing to you... and just to stick the boot it, I'll try and say that you can be charged.


So... my dad is an asshole!!!!

[Healing&Hopeful]

I'm feeling really angry and upset about all this now.  It feels very kiddified, if that makes any sense... like I want to have a big childish strop.  However the adult in me, stops this.

[Hopalong]

Hey H & H,
If being angry for a bit blows out some fog and helps you love and claim yourself, no harm in it!
You won't get stuck there...

(One of the neatest things you said at one point was that you were getting...BORED). YAY!

It really hit me like a ton of bricks once that ultimately, Nism creates people who are very, very boring. Because there's no real liveliness in someone who's only got one note to sing: Mi Mi Mi Mi MMMMMiiii...

Thanks for asking about me, hon. I'm really doing better. I have a rotten cold just now so not a lot of energy (and dental surgery next week, ick)...but emotionally, better than in a good while.

--my doc gave me better pain relief for my back
--my T did an amazing hypnosis session w/me about stress (I came out with my forehead unwrinkled...I went to get my hair cut and was shocked when I looked in the mirror)
--I have accepted the reality about the job and am just doing one thing at a time
--I have also faced that if I one day must give up the house, life will still go on
--I did feel wonderful that I had that one date and so clearly and calmly said NO when I saw red flags. Did the same thing just the other day to a man who asked me out. Hadn't liked his signals.

Quite amazing. I just feel the franticness about being alone has gone away.

All in all, I'm doing okay!

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((Hoppy))))))))

Sorry to hear about your cold and I hope you are feeling better and have more energy.

You sound pretty solid in that your not feeling (I just typed freeing.... I guess it's this as well), frantic any more... that you can accept what is happening, and that it's ok.  I feel that's a great place to be.

I took a day out yesterday and read... read a whole book in one day.  I haven't done that for a while.  I didn't bother with the housework which I normally do on a weekend.

I love the author Sophie Kinsella, so last time I was in the bookshop I bought her new book, The Undomestic Goddess.  It was about a high flyer financial lawyer, who thinks she's made a mistake and runs away.

There's one bit where she looks back, checks out the company that she used to work for website, and everything with her name has gone... every deal that she did where she was mentioned been wiped out... 

She says: How dare they change history?  How dare they just wipe me out?  I gave seven years of my life to that company.

A tear escaped at this point.... because I felt that is what our parents do.  They change history and wipe out that we exist.  And we do give our lives to these people.

Anyway, it turned out in the book that she had been set up by a senior partner, but it was very interesting for reading about work/life balance, and how things are really.  There's also a bit of a love story in there.

Maybe that's another way to look at it.... that we were set up (ok not intentionally) but set up all the same by our parents.

Just pondering thoughts....

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

thanks for the suggestion...sounds like a great read!!
funny thing about sick in bed (as long as you're not nauseous)--it can be cozy to have a cold and therefore have a TOTAL excuse to laze about.
(Not that I never laze about, but this is lazing without guilt...)

Achoo, more later, it's beautiful here today...incredibly sunny for a January day.

Happy Sunday...
Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--I know what you mean about being set up by our parents.
The difference between them and an evil corporation is, I think...in most cases in coporations it's intentional strategy for profit.

In most dysfunctional families, with violent &/or N parents, I think it's more a case of a psychological cycle being passed down another generation.

My good friend who has PTSD from childhood abuse is very clear that her parent's violence toward her was directly traceable to the trauma her GRANDPARENTS experienced as refugees who had been brutalized. I have always admired that perspective.

You've still got to get AWAY from toxic parents. But in hindsight, you can look at them as broken.
The joyful, positive, wonderful thing about being born into the generation that has insights that started with Freud and Jung and culminate in wonderful psychologists like our Doctor Grossman...is that WE HAVE KNOWLEDGE THEY NEVER HAD.

(I remember when I first went to a T my parents were horrified, because they thought the ONLY answer was in religion, and they had pretty narrow interpretations of Biblical rules for behavior.)

Honor Thy Father and Mother...okay. Be thankful they provided life, but the best way to actually honor that gift is to go forward and make your own like as healthy and happy as you can.

Children are created to go forth and fly away. In some families it's safe to build their nests nearby and have cozy family circles. In others, the fledlings have to respond to life by flying far away and staying away from the dangerous people who hatched them.

It's not negating anything. It's saying yes, life is worth the best I can give it. Giving thanks to life itself by staying away from poisons... that's a much wider view than feeling pinned to bio-people, imho.

Jeez. Must be my fever. Achoo!

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

I think it's more than we have knowledge though... I think each and every one of us here should be congratulated because we are using that knowledge to change what we believe to be true, to change what we were brought up with, so ourselves and our future generation have the ability to make the most of our/their lives.

I remember growing up I thought more than once, "Why did they have me?"  "They obviously don't like me so why didn't they have me aborted?"

Basically I was asking.... "Why do I exist?" although I didn't realise this at the time.

I'm still not sure I can answer this now....

Everyone, what would be your answer to this.... what would you reply if you asked yourselves "Why do I exist?"

[Hopalong]

That's a tough one, H & H. But a good one.
I know YOU have a purpose--you make people happy. You're kind. You're a good parent and spouse.
You share yourself. You always keep trying. You are a wonderful model of how to come out Healing and Hopeful after a really horrible childhood with damaged parents.

I think I have two purposes: to love, and secondly, to write.

Thanks for this thread...a gift to everyone.

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hoppy... to write I feel is a gift you can give everyone.... but there's more (yep, the N spot in H&H in well and truly coming to out to play!), there's not just to love, there's to be loved as well.  You are worth being loved, you are worth a healthy relationship, you are worth time away from your Mum.  You can still care for her, but you are worth some space for yourself.

Thank you for the very kind things you've said hon....

The thing is, I know I had to go through all that stuff, to become the person I am today.  On good days, like today, I like who I am.  Even though I've been stressed at work today, even though my H is now working a nightshift, I can respond in ways I like.  What I don't like however is where I came from.... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really, so I'm going to leave it for a bit.....

So anyone else:-
what would be your answer to this.... what would you reply if you asked yourselves "Why do I exist?"

[Portia]

Hiya H&H
Why was I angry? You Dad treats you worse than my mum treated me. I still get angry about my mum, so reading your Dad’s verbiage just gets me mad with these folks. But I’m not as angry as I sound. I want you to be angry. If you want to .

How does it feel to be an adult abused child?  Well I laughed initially.... who me, an adult abused child... then I thought shit.... and now I think hey ho, I'm still ok.

Laughed because it seems unlikely? Then, “hmm, probably true, shit!” And yes you’re still okay. Why not? But why the ‘shit’ as it errrr appears? Does being abused as a kid make you a bad person now? Nope. But it does define what your parents did – they abused you. Does it matter what they are (if you were diagnosing their problems)? Does it matter more what the effect of their abuse was on you?

Homecoming is subtitled ‘reclaiming and championing your inner child’. It’s a work-through-book, detailing the problem and suggesting solutions. Heavy stuff. I tended to scorn and scoff at ‘inner child’ work at first. Very American. Scorning and scoffing were of course my false self reactions, defences against something I didn’t like – my inner child. I really didn’t like my inner child. Felt very ashamed and dismissive of little P. Didn’t want to know. I started reading this book and had a bad reaction so I stopped – until now. Now it feels right. Like I said, it’s heavy stuff. But I’ve moved from being a sceptic to a wary try-it-out person.

I mean really confused me.  Because it says of course I'm interested in you... what is wrong with you that makes you think I'm not!
Yah. You think what IS wrong with me? Confusion is normal. Reality comes when you know, for sure, he’s not interested in you. When you can accept that. It takes a long time. It’s achievable though. If you want to go back and feel sad for little H&H who was confused about why her parents didn’t seem to care.

I once said to someone I was ok when people got to know me. I was given the answer 'yes, but why should they bother'. I learnt from that, in fact as usual it's easy to be wise after the event.
Bizarre.... don't know what else to say except bizarre.

This was a shaming event for your Pa. This hurt him but he doesn’t know it so he repeats it you, wanting to somehow negate the offence. It’s a great example of non-logic. That’s what they use, non-logic. It’s a logic (reality) all of their own, which we don’t share, thank goodness. Bizarre? Indeed yes.

Actions speak louder than words, don't they?
Every time. But they use words to crazy-make us.

This pees me off.... I see so little of you apart from when you came to me... as you haven't come to me, it's no surprise that we didn't understand each other.
I’m glad this pees you off. Put the responsibility where it lies – with the parent, not the child!

I know you like, and are interested in food. It's just I find life has so much to offer, and so many interesting things to do, that I've never really had time to bother much with the delights of eating.
Grandiosity (I’m so wonderful and my enjoyments are worth so much more than yours!) – the delights of eating, total put-down of your enjoyments. He has to be superior. That’s how he survives – by using you as a foil.

 Again there's that "I understand because I'm your father"... Bullshit and bollocks....
Love it! The B&B that is.

walked back into town past the gates. This took some doing, but I had to go into town to the market stall (despite what you think, some days it is difficult for me to walk too far, or I suffer if I do)
He’s shaming you here “despite what you think” (you bad daughter). Suffer? I’m crying into my coffee – not.

and it was a long way to walk back around and over the bridge. Soon I was walking past daily, as there is now a footpath alonside the river up to the Lock. It took about a year, but I can now walk past without making myself do it, or even thinking about it.
Oh goody-gumdrops for you! Aren’t you clever and so brave and courageous to….. go for a walk!! Pass the sick-bag.

BUT the children have to respect you, and your views. This is the main reason for most of societies ills today.
BUT YOU HAVE TO RESPECT YOUR CHILDREN AND THEIR VIEWS. The fact that parents do not respect their children is the absolute uncontroversial  reason for most of society’s ills today!! (Which society are we talking about here? The Co-Operative society?)

I'm not too bothered about tradition,
I’m minimising your marriage. One of the biggest days of your life.  :xWhat a great Dad I am – not.

and I've enough strength of character now, not to worry what people think of me, however unfair that might be.
Again, puffing himself up in false superiority. ‘However unfair that might be’ – presumably he means however unfairly others think of him? Like you H&H  I just lost interest! I don’t care!

They will not accept they are the one at fault.
Here speaks the truth. It’s just about the wrong person!

sorry for the overuse of the word bollocks.... need better swear words
bunkum, claptrap, nonsense, rubbish, garbage, baloney, twaddle, drivel, gibberish, hot air, babble – and that’s not even swearing!!

I'm getting bored now.... blah blah blah.....
I agree with Hop, I love this. Very healthy!

Your Pa is an ignoranus – stupid and an asshole.


I'm feeling really angry and upset about all this now. 
Upset? Define upset. Angry and ….. ? Guilty? Sad? Ashamed? Distressed like you want to yowl like a two-year old?

It feels very kiddified, if that makes any sense... like I want to have a big childish strop. 
Little H&H does want exactly that. Maybe even needs it.

However the adult in me, stops this.
Big H&H says ‘no’  - be an adult. Why? What’s the worse that could happen? As long as you don’t act out on others, or act in and swallow your anger, making you ill….how about seeing what it feels like to be little H&H? This ain’t easy though. Bringing up all the emotion from the past. If it feels overwhelming, stop. Seriously.

What I don't like however is where I came from.... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really, so I'm going to leave it for a bit.....

Please believe me:

Your childhood was icky. Your parents treated you badly.
YOU  are not icky. YOU the child was/is a wonderful person. H&H age 1, 2, 3, 4, 5….and so on was lovable, vibrant, honest,  open, curious, life-affirming being. You weren’t defective, wrong, bad or at fault. Your parents were. Just because you were part of that family doesn’t mean you’re faulty. You survived and continued being lovable, warm, honest…etc.

Why don’t you like where you came from? Feel bad about you the little girl? Why? Was she to blame for how she was treated?

You weren’t a mistake. You were a wonderful gift, born to people who couldn’t accept the gift, who didn’t know or see what a truly joyful gift they had. Their problem, not yours.

"Why do I exist?"
I’m here by the wonderful chance and luck of the universe. I have no reason to be here other than to be here. I exist therefore I am. I am fulfilling being who I am and I can’t be otherwise. That's me

Ask yourself why do you not not exist? I ask myself why aren’t I dead and that’s interesting! I survived because: (and I list the reasons). Now I’m really here, I don’t need to know why. I can just enjoy it!

Take it easy H&H. You are a joy. I mean that. And you always were a joy, always. You are and were perfect to the world. You don’t need a reason to exist.

[Portia]

Hop:
I did feel wonderful that I had that one date and so clearly and calmly said NO when I saw red flags. Did the same thing just the other day to a man who asked me out. Hadn't liked his signals.

Wonderful.  :DI bet that feels so good. Hope you lose that cold (((((Hopalong))))).

bye for now, gotta go

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya

I hear what you're saying hon ((((((((((((Portia))))))))))).  Every baby is a gift... I look at family and friends babies and love them, love holding them, love picking them up when they are crying to comfort them.  I was no different.  I think that my parents did accept the gift, however they didn't unwrap the packaging and look inside.  They didn't appreciate the gift.

My inner child, the little H&H is smiling at the moment.  She is feeling better just thinking about this.

Before I started all of this, I used to feel really embarrassed about my family.  I'd "pretend" that they were normal.  I don't feel so embarrassed now because it's kind of like I've come clean.  I've told my H stuff, I've told a few friends stuff.... I'm not pretending so the embarrassment factor has faded.  However I don't think I could have done this before getting married.... somehow I had to keep up the pretence for that, to get through it.

Does it matter more what the effect of their abuse was on you?  Yes it does.... One good thing about dealing with this now is that I can see what effect the abuse had on me.  I drank very heavily at weekends and had lots of boyfriends.  I wanted love but was way to afraid to commit.  I didn't let anyone get close to me for about 3 years....  Then I met this guy and was so in love with him.... was with him for 3 years.  When he finished with me I was so devastated (also no one had finished with me before, the rejection was so intense)...and I didn't have the family back up to catch me as I fell, I didn't have that I thought I was valuable enough to stop me from hitting the bottom.  After that I thought I'd missed my chance, that I didn't deserve happiness because I'd balls it up when I got it, so I went out with an alcoholic.  Not good.  It was probably only when I met my H that I realised how wrong I really had it.  I do deserve to be appreciated, to be loved and in return I can appreciate and love him.  On one of your earlier posts, you said "Who looked after H&H?".... and the answer was probably me, with the help of friends and books.

Today, I've kind of regressed almost.... I let my H look after me to a certain extent.  I don't feel that I have to do everything myself, that I have to deal with everything myself.  I am also far more aware of my feelings, but more than that, I'm happy to tell him how I'm feeling and I know he'll listen.

Define upset?  Distressed I think is the closest.  I don't feel guilty or ashamed.  To feel guilty or ashamed would be taking responsibility for something I'm not responsible for.  I feel sad, sad for not having healthy parents who were happy for me to grow as a person, however I've given wee H&H a big hug for that.

Of course I still feel angry.... I stand in the shower and imagine what I would say to bio dad (here we go loopy loo!).  I tell him that it's all him, he's the one with the problem.  I tell him that no one is interested in his blooming twaddle, his continuous drivel that goes on and on and on, neverending about him, no one cares about him, no one gives a jacks ass.  My face is so contorted with anger I don't recognise myself.

But I also know I've come a long way since the beginning of this!

H&H xx

[Portia]

Hi H&H, you sound good. It’s interesting what you say about being embarrassed about your family. I don’t think I was embarrassed about mine. Maybe I was too isolated from other ‘normal’ families, maybe I was around other families in that isolated region who were, frankly, just as weird and whacky. Yep, I think so. I knew these people when I was age 13-16:

There was the farmer and his sister who (he said) lived together as married (no kids). Actually, they seemed pretty normal in some ways (i.e. I thought I liked them). Apart from him feeling me up once. And telling me I was now a ‘woman’ after I’d had a most disappointing and unsuccessful attempt to have sex for the first time. In a village miles away. How did he know? It’s like there were ears and eyes everyway, waiting to ‘catch me out’, or just to watch me. Wow. Ha! At least those eyes weren’t so close that they knew the real truth about the lack of success. Oh P, that’s a bit near the knuckle. I had that secret to myself eh? Sheesh.

There was my friend whose father had an illness which could be transmitted sexually, her father who felt my buttocks once. My friend later married the man who she told me had ‘raped’ her when she was underage.

There was the girl who lived nearby who, walking to the school bus one day, unloaded the bad feelings she had about having had some sort of sexual experience with her older sister. I remember telling her it was okay, whatever.

There was the family opposite her whose father beat up the two sons. Many years later the mother was visited by her third son, given up at birth, and (my mother recently told me) they had sex before he left not to be seen again since. As far as I know.

There was the couple who adopted a 12 year old boy with ‘behaviour’ problems. My mother told me (perhaps it isn’t true?) that the wife liked to have the boy in bed with her in the mornings. Maybe that was innocent and loving. I don’t know.


I’m not embarrassed by any of my various families. Sure I used to make excuses, mainly between various family groups and members. My father used to ask me why my mother and step-father had moved to such a remote place, what did they do all day, as they didn’t work. I had to make up some reason for their choices –to my father and others who asked. I didn’t know the truth as such. Still don’t I suppose. I know it had nothing to with me, even though I’ve been told we moved there because I was “getting into bad company” in the place we’d left. Bad company! It’s a joke. Not embarrassed, but I was both confused and felt responsible for keeping everyone happy, unhurt.

Anyway. I drank heavily and other stuff too. “I do deserve to be appreciated, to be loved and in return I can appreciate and love him.” I’m still working on this H&H. “I don't feel that I have to do everything myself, that I have to deal with everything myself.” And this too! This is a biggie.

“Of course I still feel angry.... I stand in the shower”  does everyone do this?? I’ve got so annoyed sometimes in the shower! What is it about showering that brings it all out? “My face is so contorted with anger I don't recognise myself” well at least it’s only your face? My mind was so contorted I didn’t know myself, but that is in the past now, well and truly!

“But I also know I've come a long way since the beginning of this!”
Ditto. And it can only get better now.  You can sort of tell these things.

((((((H&H)))))) thanks for talking and letting me talk, P