weekends w/NMom

[Hopalong]

Hi folks,
First, I know everyone would tell me: move out, find another place to live. I can't.

I just need to vent.

My mother starts in on me Friday evenings. It's subtle but constant pressure. She's lonely (her attention has been massively reduced by her age, but it's agony for her because she's so N and has few inner resources, and has been too "special" to associate with ordinary folks who go to the senior center, so her few friends are dying off). I come home exhausted and in pain and the drip-drip starts. Little remarks, guilt trips when I go out for a few hours with a friend. (I should not go out, is the subtext. I should stay home and worshipfully attend her.) I refuse. I go out. Then Saturday I hide in my room all day long. By Saturday night she's again accusing me of being a bad daughter. I explain I'm extremely stressed over work and other things and I really need space to recuperate. As usual, it's water off a duck's back. She ups the ante, tries tears.

I harden myself, resist, quietly discard another guilt-trip note unread. Go back to my room. She calls me on my own phone line. More guilt trip.

I tend to her medical needs, always. I try to be kind.

But I am beyond the point where I can pretend to enjoy her company. I am mostly compassionate and civil but the largest force in my body is to escape her. When I am under the greatest stress and hence most vulnerable, that is always, exactly, when her demands escalate.

It winds up that I am stuffing myself, hiding in my room, gaining weight, not even venturing out for a walk....

and by bedtime I have chest pain and took a tranquilizer.

So I dread weekends. I feel guilty because she is very very old. And it is pitiful.

But I am so FINISHED. Just at the time when one might be caring for an elder with gratitude and tenderness because of all the kind things they've done for one.... instead I experience her like an old rattlesnake that has far, far outlived its natural stretch.

And that feels like an evil though to think. I cannot wait for it to be over.

My daughter perceives her narcissism too and told me on the phone last night, no matter how nice and proper grandma pretends to be, I know that under the skin she's a cruel and hateful person.

Hyperbole because daughter's young...but then again...not.

Whew. Just needed to narrate it and I thank you for listening.

I think I will hug myself. I am having a pity party.

(((((((((((((((((Hopalong)))))))))))))))    well. that was...okay. sniff.

[Plucky]

Hoppy,
Your daughter may be young but she is spot on.  If anything, more than your good self.
I think at least part of you realises you do not owe her anything and at least she hasn't got long to torment you, and don't feel bad about that either.   You are going above and beyond the call of duty to take care of her.  You'll be in heaven with Mother Theresa.

I think you ought to find more ways of escaping.  Is your mother mobile?  If not, put on headphones when you are in your room.  And don't answer the phone at all, if you can't manage to screen her calls.

She is not pitiful  She is reaping what she has sowed.  The universe is paying her back.  Except for the fact that she has you.  She doesn't deserve you.

Can you invite friends over?  This may sound odd, but it could give you relief from her alone, provide some entertainment for her, and allow others to see what she really is, which might generate some understanding and support amongst your flesh and blood friends.  As long as your friend will not supply her, at least not sincerely.

Hoppy, you are a far better person than I!   She would mysteriously have fallen down the stairs by now!  Just kidding.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Plucky. I mean it.
Unfortunately my friends don't come over...NMom's so draining it's just less hassle to meet them elsewhere. On the rare occasions they do drop by, they do supply her. Their politeness is too ingrained not to (as she's in their face, beaming, virtually demanding it). And I can't blame them...it's not their battle to fight.

Fortunately I do have two girlfriends PLUS this forum to listen to me rant now and then.
And a blessed T who totally gets it. And a wonderful church community.

So I need to count my blessings.
It was very therapeutic to write out that whole thing though.
Today was pretty rough, she out-gamed me. But it's over.

Thanks MUCHO for hearing me, especially with all you're going through. (((((Plucky))))))

That generosity is what blows me away about this place.
And this has become a real place, a healing place, for me.

(((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))

Hopalong

[bean as guest]

Hoppy,

I actually thought about and looked into a device that would tune out the frequency of my Mother's voice...  When I lived with her..  Does such a device exist?  Maybe some child of a narcissist could get rich on this idea, patent it and move out from under the death crush of their N parent!!

  Hey, there's a fantasy for you.  Take your pain and turn it into something useful.

Daydreaming never hurt anyone.  I'm a master of it myself.  I'm not sad and I don't feel bad for you.  Do you know why??  I know you are strong and stronger than her even, and you are the healthy one, so you can ignore her.  It's tough, but you've done it before.  And maybe headsets are aren't the exotic noise cancelling devices I exactly envision..but they might work too.   

Oh yeah, and my idea was to pop one of those suckers in before going to my parents, and it would only filter out Their voices, not all my siblings who I like to hear.  and unbeknownst to them they would wonder why nothing they said had any effect on me anymore.

 

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))

Sweetie.... YOU know YOU'RE not a bad daughter, keep hold of that thought and trust your own judgement.

With your Mum and everything happening it work, you are bound to be so so stressed... anyone would be and as a typical N, your Mum will expect everything you can give from you.  We both know this, so setting yourself some healthy boundaries, taking time out to yourself is a normal thing to do.... heck, the only thing you can do.

Maybe one thing you can do is to put one evening aside for her, where you spend time with her.  Yes, I can feel your heart sinking at this... I know mine would be with my bio dad, but if you had the same night with her each week... what are we really talking about 6 pm to 10 pm at the latest, four hours....  then when she uses her subtle hints on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday, you can say... Yes Mum, I know how you feel but we agreed that X was your night and that this is my night where I can go out.

You need help Hoppy hon.... it's not a bad thing to say I can't cope at the moment.  Can you siblings do more?  Where they come and spend a different night with her each week?  Or a friend of her's.... that they come over the same night each week?

With the senior centre.... what about showing her in a way that will benefit her?  If it's anything like senior centres over here, they have day trips.  So maybe a way is, Oh look Mum, would you like a day out here?  This company is doing such and such... etc etc. 

Basically I'm trying to say, is there anyway you can get help where your Mum thinks it's about her, what will benefit her from her point of view?  Rather than Hoppy having to take on everything, and just be there.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Huge hugs honey))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks ((((((((H&H))))))))) you're reading my mind.
NMom just insisted on moving back to the 2nd floor bedroom. I begged her not to. I told her, I know on your good days it'd be fine, but on your weak days it will mean me running up and downstairs to bring you each meal, take down dirty dishes, bring up papers, take down papers, bring you water, bring you other things. She set her jaw and said no. She got her old cleaning lady to come over and move all her stuff up while I was at work. So she's been up here 2 nights and this morning she says, ohhhh I don't feel well...and it's true. So I fixed her breakfast and brought it up on a tray and off we go... (I said, you should be downstairs. She said, I guess you're right.)

She ruined the entire weekend by pouncing on me with trivial demands (every thought in her head is an emergency) from the moment I walked in the door Friday night. I've dealt with her tears, yelling, calling me as though she's having a heart attack when she just wants attention. She called me on my phone when I went to bed. Now she has the vapors and will be in bed all day. Last night she left me a letter apologizing but suggesting at the end that maybe we should look into her moving to a retirement community (which means selling the house and me moving into an apartment while I am trying to find a job).

I wrote her a note back that I would be happy to help her continue to stay here if she would understand that I need mental peace and quiet to think and plan and find a new job. And that if she adds the upheaval of planning a home sale and a move for both of us right now, I won't make it. I have less than six months to get a new job. I can't take on the rest of it. I attached 6 printed out sheets of activities at the Senior Center and at her church and said if you are interested in doing any of these activities just tell me what they are, and I will arrange transportation for you.

As to siblings--my brother is the only one. If she gets him involved then my stress level triples. He is the scary one who invaded my computer, comes to stay in the house unannounced, and was my abuser in childhood. I want him as far away as possible for as long as possible.

I think you made a good suggestion about one evening a week. I have simply got to have my weekends to myself so perhaps that would fend her off. I will make her dinner and offer to play Scrabble. My worry is she will spend the entire time thinking of other non-emergency chores and tasks so I'd leave those evenings with a bunch more worries. But I suppose I could just calmly write them all down and deal with them one at a time. I'll try it and see if it helps. My past experience with her is that giving her even a little extra attention is like starting down a slippery slope. It escalates and before I know it I am exhausted again.

Another thought I have is contacting her church and trying to arrange a weekly visitor for her. She is frantic for attention and maybe that would help.

Thanks much for listening and for the wise suggestions, I truly appreciate it.

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((Hoppy))))))))))

Sorry about mentioning your sibling.  I forgot and it was insensitive of me.  I apologise.

I know what you mean about giving a little bit of attention and it's a downward slippery slope, however it could work as I feel they are like children.... and with children what works is fun, consistency and disapline.  Obviously you can't disapline her, but it would give her consistency.  It would have to be the same evening each week and she would know to expect that as time together.  And from your point of view, you know you would have given her some of your time so whatever she trys to insinuate, I feel that you might not feel like a bad daughter as much because you know you've been there.  Make any sense?  I'm know what I'm trying to say but don't think I'm explaining it very well.

Last night she left me a letter apologizing but suggesting at the end that maybe we should look into her moving to a retirement community
Because of her saying this made me think.... Another thing we have here which I don't know if you have are like rest homes (respite homes they are called over here), but for short term stays.  Like if someone is recovering after an operation, or someone who's family are the carer and to give them a break.  They will go and stay for a week say once every three months, to give the carer a break.

Very good idea about contacting her church too...

I really hope some of these work out for you... did you get her moved back downstairs now?

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

thanks, H&H...
she's just too fast for me.
Before I could talk through any of those things I took care of her this a.m. and she wanted to spend the day in her room...brought her breakfast, brought up a lunch, went to church, came back, she was napping, left her a note that I'd be out during the afternoon but everything was set for her lunch...

Not Good Enough. She was annoyed that I wasn't there so by the time I got back at 4:00 she (fully dressed, having a cuppa, had obviously managed just fine)--she had called my Nbrother and he was on his way from halfway across the country. Her excuse: well, I need more HELP, and you didn't say what time you'd be BACK.... (IOW, this is payback because I dared to defy her and take off to give myself a break. I went to see a damn movie.)

I had spent HOURS this wknd assuring her about this and that, fetching and stepping, printing off things from the Internet for her, answering endless questions, etc, etc. We had agreed we'd go chat with her doctor about a home health aide, etc...

Anyway, I lost it. Blew up, bawled and raged. Because I heard him call her back (her phone is amplified) and he said: I'm coming to take care of everything and you and I will go visit the retirement homes tomorrow. Long story shorter, she acknowledged that she'd urged him to come rescue her since "you are too busy to take care of me..." And then I heard him tell her that I am only here because of my "selfish agenda" and that he has to come now to make sure that "she is protected."

After 7 years of changing her diapers (and before that, my father's)--when he was nowhere in sight for DEACDES except for the occasional call and visit, all of a sudden NOW he needs to "take charge." And she's manipulated him, and me...and I have just had it.

It's all over, far as I'm concerned. The only thing I asked her for was to please give me the mental space and serenity I need so that I can find a new job first, before any major changes. So BAM, she creates a huge crisis. She is not sick, was not in danger, was just having an off day. But when I take care of myself, I pay.

She agreed to call him back and put hiim off, so he's coming next week. But my world's up in the air again (no house to count on, and the menacing brother coming to act like he is taking charge).

I can't tell you how much I resent it and I just snapped. I have been so taken for granted by this voracious woman. And my brother has never given one shit about me or my wellbeing. Not once in all the years I've been here has he ever said one word like, "How is it going for you?" Much less, thank you for taking care of our parents...

So I am about to have a nervous breakdown from the stress of it. I loathe her and I fear him (he's unstable, a VietNam vet who's obsessed with guns, and a pathological liar).

I am going to do what I can to get a job and then get out of here. If she's going to sell the house out from under us so she can have room service at a fancy facility, she's welcome to. But I'm not setting my jobhunt aside to prepare the house for sale, and I'm damned if I'll be much interested in visiting.

God, I just can't handle it. Any trace of defiance or assertiveness and she pulls this game. She knows I fear my brother so he's her trump card, and fine. They can have each other. I'm out of here as soon as I can find a job and an apartment. And she can just rent some love, because mine's worn out.

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

I can totally see where you are coming from and how much you are dealing with (((((((((((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe it's time for Hoppy to be appreciated, and doing that could mean looking after yourself.  After all it is your life too.

Whatever you decide to do... know we're here to support you xx

[Plucky]

And she can just rent some love, because mine's worn out.

Hi Hoppy,
I love this line!  And I am so glad that you have had it!  I've had it too with your mum.  I hate her!   She makes me sick!  Ok thanks for letting me vent.

I'm totally in a glass house when it comes to this but......trust that the future will work out.  I would think that moving will be a big upheaval for you.  You might not want to be in a brand new job at the time you move.  You might want to be all moved and set up and a little bit over your family's shenanigans.

Since nothing you do will satisfy her, how about doing as little as possible?  You are knocking yourself out to look after her and avoid her barbs.  It is not working, it is never going to work.   Never ever ever.  So why keep trying to help her above and beyond the call?  Just do the minimum and she will bitch anyway but at least you are not working your fingers to the bone.

At least look around to see where you could move to.  Maybe you can find a roomate situation which will not be expensive.    Move out now and let those Ns llook after each other.  Let your brother come and prepare the house for sale.  Unless it is your house or you are getting the money, why should you work to make it ready?  Let her hire somebody.  Let her hire somebody to bring her #E%^&&*  tea upstairs. 

You can do it.
Plucky

[cat]

Dear Hoppy - I always wondered what things would be like if I went and lived with my mom to help her in her aging years.  My friends have attached themselves to my legs and told me I cannot go.

So, the things you are dealing with - I have dealt with on a smaller level.  My mom was forced to go into an independent living facility by her doctor.  However, things aren't going so well.  She's cheap and wanted people to help her.  She manipulated the people - and as a result, they got to see her exactly for what she is.  The help is gone.

She felt she was better than others - and has caused problems at the facility.  They are considering asking her to leave.  While it is encouraging for others to see what the family has had to deal with for years, it is also tough to know the right thing to do.  At this point in my life - I run the range of emotions from anger to pity. 

I read what you're doing and feel the frustration that you have and am encouraged.  You are not alone in your feelings.

[Surrounded]

I can't imagine dealing with your mom.  I think mine would be quite the same way, although, she IS old and needs help, but won't admit it.  She still has my father to boss around so....so far so good, I guess.

You are a saint!  I don't think I could take it.  I understand how you feel like there is no other choice though. 

Hang in there!  Peace, baby!  Really, I mean it. 

Take care of you.

[Hopalong]

With friends like this forum, I'll survive. Thanks, Plucky and all of you, for venting about my NMom.
It really helped too. I went to my T tonight and told him I'd boiled over and was feeling I hated her. He said something amazing --he's a good and decent person-- "that hate is necessary and it is a gift. It does not mean you don't also love her. You have a whole range of complex feelings about her, including love and hate. And because the rage actually brought some hate up to the surface, which you've always stopped with guilt, it has freed you from her trance and manipulations."

He was right. I am at peace tonight, treating NMom with civility and gentleness but I am more detached than I've ever been in my life. I thank god for that. He told me I'd made a huge leap forward.

In letting go of my insistence on the house dream (he says that's because I associate it with my dad and greatuncle, whom I felt loved by) -- I've freed myself. If nature plays out her days in a way that she is okay with rented help here, then maybe I'll still wind up with the house. But if it needs to be sold so she can go into a nursing home one day, I'll be fine with that too.

I talked (prayed sort of) like a looney to my dad and great uncle last night. Sort of told them. Thanks guys, for all the love you put into building this place. But right now it's turned toxic, and at the end of the day, I have to face that it's still just a building. And it's not worth my mental health or letting myself be stressed into a coronary.

I just feel relief. Now I will focus on my job hunt steady on, and one day at a time. I am no longer a hostage to her house games. Better a pauper than a hostage (which I've heard a lot of healthy voices on this board say in one way or another.) Once I have a steady job, I will be ready to pack up and move on at any moment. (I'm not now, but I will be then. So that's the plan. Not so much to move immediately, but to get myself in a position when I CAN.)

THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU!!! (((((((((((((((H&H, Plucky, Bean, Cat, Surrounded))))))))))))
I'm wiped out, must sleep. But I am very, very grateful to every single one of you who has given me so much understanding, absolution, and support. You have no idea what your voices have meant to me.)

With love,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hopalong,
I am so happy you have gotten over this hump.  I am so relieved.  Now you can rest.
Plucky

[Marta]

Hopalong:
that's because I associate it with my dad and greatuncle, whom I felt loved by

Sort of told them. Thanks guys, for all the love you put into building this place. But right now it's turned toxic

That's exactly how it happened for me to the house I grew up in, that my dad had turned into a home -- my mom turned it into a really toxic object for her power and control. It is really crummy. When you come to think of it, houses are almost living beings and letting go of them can be excruciatingly painful.

I am no longer a hostage to her house games. Better a pauper than a hostage (which I've heard a lot of healthy voices on this board say in one way or another.) Once I have a steady job, I will be ready to pack up and move on at any moment. (I'm not now, but I will be then. So that's the plan. Not so much to move immediately, but to get myself in a position when I CAN.)

 

Marta