Hi,
I want to thank Mud, Sugarre, and Brigid. Your responses this morning on the "Racism Topic" thread have helped me so much to identify some of what's been going on within my own heart and mind these past couple days. I'm not posting on that thread because what I feel like I need to say has nothing to do with racism. On that topic, I absolutely agree with Mud's logical, rational assessment and definition of terms and only wish I could think that clearly.
Sugarre, I want to apologize to you for my flip remark re: your "chiming in". I can see that I'd made some false assumptions and wrong judgments about you and I'm sorry. I was wrong to do that. It's a rotten habit of mine to think that I can see the end from the beginning. My own narrowmindedness led me to assess that you were capitalize on RM's ...ermmm.... vulnerability. Your Dad sounds an awful lot like mine, who in many ways resembles Archie B. I, too, have been ashamed at his ignorance, but have loved him nonetheless.
Brigid, to me your words in your reply on the Racism thread are like apples of gold in settings of silver. My hope is to have a calm enough heart and mind to express myself as well without getting tripped up by overcharged emotions. All of the feelings appear in your writing, but under proper restraint. I respect and admire that so much.
I made several posts to the Victims of Narcs thread after it turned into a discussion of racism. Yesterday, I deleted those posts.
Not because my views had changed, but rather because I gave in to fear. Since then, I've interpreted my own behavior as "wimping out" and evidencing a real lack of integrity. I was afraid, and so I silenced myself. That's no one's responsibility but my own. However, I am seeing a definite pattern both in how some peoples' personalities and expressions bring out my strongest desires to speak up and conversely, how other folks' personalities and manners of expression bring out my desperate urge to flee.
Maybe there's not much point in even reviewing this now. But possibly, someone else might recognize aspects of his own "m.o." in what I'm trying to describe here.
When Plucky first raised the issue of racism, I was a bit dismayed that I hadn't taken issue with it myself, even privately, yet I zoned in instantly on her "pearls before swine" remark. I wondered what was wrong with me to not have been disturbed by it.
Next, what I thought I was observing was a combo of Plucky and Sugarre refusing to acknowledge that anyone could possibly remain silent on the issue of this alleged racist remark and still "care" about the issue. I identified with Hops when I perceived her as running around like a headless chicken trying to defend herself against these accusations of not taking a firm enough stand. (Please don't take offense, Hops. Headless chicken references may not be p.c., but it's the visual I got. I think you're wonderful and trying so hard to do/say the right things... I truly felt compelled to jump to your defense ~ in fact, the defense of the whole group ~ which I saw as being attacked).
I saved the posts which I deleted yesterday, because I was feeling so insecure about whether my approach was correct or not. This is how I'd expressed it what I thought and felt I was seeing:
I'm sensing a bullying dynamic here which I perceive as worthy of comment. This forum offers each of us an opportunity to express our voices as we see fit, so here I am to honestly say... I think it's just as abusive to berate people for not speaking up as it is to attempt to silence them.
What I saw initially was a racial reference, not a racial slur. (RM, I do not think that you are racist, either.)
I saw Plucky respond to RM with questions re: this reference, followed by RM's prompt reply giving further info based on her personal experience.
Enter Sugarre, who has shown an obvious distaste for other things that RM has had to say in the past, pouncing on this particular discussion and adding fuel to the flames. (I immediately wondered, Sugarre, whether you would have chimed in if someone other than RM had been involved.)
I think that those who would judge the mindset, intent, and motivation of an entire group based on how its members perceive an individual comment and whether or not they choose to respond, are just as intolerant and judgmental as any racist. That sort of biased thinking leaves no room for individuality of expression, but is based on narrowminded selfrighteousness just as much as any religious argument I've ever heard. We each have the privilege here to speak or not to speak, based on our own free will choice. Enlighten us by expressing your views... that's great. But you have no right to tell us how we should think or feel or what should be our truth.
Hope
And then along came Portia. The way in which I interpreted her post to me is what shut me down. I have not felt so voiceless in ages. Even now, I can "hear" her saying, as she has already said to Storm on the new Racism thread, "so what. Your opinion, not facts, who cares " That's one message which is so deeply engrained within me that it still creates a total shut down. I'm not blaming my own baggage on Portia, nor am I using my baggage as an excuse for my own mistakes/ errors in judgment. What I am doing is making a determination to overcome this truckload of fear. I wrote a post to Portia yesterday to express how I felt about what I viewed as her intrusion into the mix, purely for the sake of stirring the pot. I saved that post, too, and here it is:
Portia,
It's my perception, based on the interactions I've witnessed on this board, that you regularly tend to insert yourself into the midst of conflicts. My awareness of that pattern gives me great pause in even responding to you here, but I'm trying to view this as an exercise in better communication vs. hiding in my little corner. So here goes...
First of all, I am not in a position, nor is it my desire, to analyze the motivations behind anything you say; all that I have to work with here is my own observations of peoples' words and their patterns of relating. Personally, I tend to avoid conflict at all costs, and so part of my own healing is to push myself to speak up when I feel strongly about difficult issues. I felt strongly this morning about what I viewed as an attempt to bully and shame members into defending their views. I still do. I myself have done plenty of scurrying around in the past, trying to defend myself against the onslaught of other peoples' priority issues and their demands that I make their issues my own. I guess that's why I still tend to avoid those for whom I sense that conflict is a passion and a thrill. Because of that avoidance, I would not generally respond to your statements, but in the interest of further clarification, I'll try to express to you what I observed today.
I stated my view re: a conflict which had arisen in this thread. I always try to preface my posts with the phrase "I think, I believe, imo, it seems to me", or something to that effect. In fact, at the beginning of the final paragraph of my post which you've brought into question here, I did just that. I began that paragraph with the words "I think", with no intent of doing anything other than expressing my view, with full awareness that I do not manage this group. I'm not so sure that you are aware of that, though. Despite the fact that none of my comments were addressed to you, you took it upon yourself to pronounce to me the rules of communication on this board and ask my view of them. I interpreted that as your assertion of your position that I needed to be set straight and you were just the one to do it.
I replied by agreeing with your version of the guidelines and advising you that those same rules apply to you, as well. Why would I choose to point out to you what you claim to already know? Because it appeared to me that you'd delegated yourself to fill the role of board moderator and I found that to be quite presumptuous of you.
Portia, I believe that I made it clear that I was stating my own views in my post re: others who would try to tell me what I should think, and how I should respond. I do not believe that I broke any rules of this forum. It is certainly your prerogative to disagree with my view, but I'm not going to debate with you whether or not I should have expressed it. You see, I get the impression that you think you've taken the high road by expressing concern for the poster in question, as though that puts you into a position of moral superiority which entitles you to judge me. This whole thread, imo, is loaded with expressions of supposed moral superiority and judgment. I'm thankful to have a voice to express my disagreement with that.
But I couldn't stand it. I was literally sickened at the thought of what her reply might be, and what other fire my expression might draw from other corners. So I deleted. That is warped. I don't want to be warped. Nor do I want to be led around by the nose by my feelings, but in this case, both my opinion and my sentiments stand and I need to stand by them. I reallize that others may not care. My opinions, my perspectives, who cares. It doesn't matter. What matters to me is integrity and honesty and not running away from a challenge.
Re: the double-standard, which is the title of this thread after all.... that's what I see today when I read Portia on the Racism thread. Yesterday I used the words "You have no right" and she was ever so anxious to inform me that everyone has a right to say what he/she chooses. The last time I dealt with someone who applied the "rules" to everyone but himself, he was waving a knife in my face. The only knife Portia wields is her words and what I view as her thoughtless, self-centered, pompous, domineering manner of abusing others with them. I'm not going to be intimidated out of speaking my thoughts and my heart by someone who obviously uses anger as an excuse to not care about anyone but herself.
Thanks for listening.
Hope
