my heart is breaking please help

[Sea storm]

I am having a very rough time.  Sometimes I am so angry and it is all I can do not to phone my ex N. I have had slips and phoned him and pleaded with him to explain to me why he lied to me for months about his affairs with other women. I was making doulble mortgage payments so we could pay off the house faster while he was emailing every night to his new best friend.  He convinced people  that I am a rager  and mentally ill and he is a poor victim. He is so convincing at being a poor beaten dog. I paid the mortgage and everything else. He has absolutely no remorse. This baffles me and it feels like hitting a brick wall. Still he says he will do something and then he doesn't do it. HE says he will pick up his stuff but he doesn't.
He was not interested in sex, he cheated on me with other women, I paid for everything, he was disrespectful to me when his kids visited, he took vacations by himself ( I paid for them) and he told people including people I worked with that I was mentally ill and I still find myself remembering the good times and crying myself sick that we are separated.
I feel like I am trying to kick heroin.
I am afraid to be alone. I feel funny in my body and I think this is what fear is really all about. I don't have a life yet and somehow I am supposed to survive until I get a support network. I am trying to be brave and to reach out and slowly I am connecting with people but it is so little to survive on.
Every time I come home I feel overwhelmed with memories. Sometimes I just scream.
Leaving my N is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so haunted by his good side, by his brilliance and his charm. I have become a wasted dishrag living with him.
I am not new age positive but more like someone from a greek tragedy wailing in the night.
Thanks for listening. I don't care if it sounds like self pity. If I could talk myself out of it I would. I am doing all the right things and it still hurts almost all the time. the only thing that keeps me going is my anger because if I didn't have that I would be in complete dispair.

[Sea storm]

thank you from the bottom of my heart

[October]

Thanks for listening. I don't care if it sounds like self pity. If I could talk myself out of it I would. I am doing all the right things and it still hurts almost all the time. the only thing that keeps me going is my anger because if I didn't have that I would be in complete dispair.

Your feelings are totally understandable; you are going through a process of bereavement, mourning the ex you thought you had, who is worse than dead; he never was, and yet his alter is around and kicking, and still treating you like dirt. 

Losing someone through death has to be easier, because although you lose their company, their laughter and their love, you do not lose their whole identity, and with it part of your own. 

Try to be good to yourself, therefore, and give yourself time to mourn and to grieve.  (((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Sea Storm))))))))))

[penelope]

hello sea storm,

I hope you will not beat yourself up too much.  Many intelligent women do this - I myself did it.  I fell for and gave up everything for an N until I became a dishrag, like you say.

His lies were so convincing, and I wanted so much to believe them.  Sometimes, though, when feeling very suspicious (this was my first sign, as I'd never felt suspicious in any relationship before) - I'd check his email and go through the history of the websites he'd visited.  I too discovered he was emailing other women (they sent him provocative photos of themselves), and visiting porn sites regularly.  The porn sites were the most disturbing.  Some of them were borderline illegal/child porn sites, I kept thinking.  I was somewhat relieved to see he wasn't having in depth conversations with any of these women.  It was mostly fluff - just like his conversations with me.  At the same time, he was emailing his family and saying how great we were doing - and he named me specifically.  So I felt very weird and torn.  I felt accepted and that I had a place, but at the same time, I felt betrayed.  Ns can be so weird in that they are fiercly loyal and damaging all at the same time.  It's a trick, of course.  They do not realize they're doing it in most cases, so confronting them is useless.  In my experience, anyway.

love to you,

bean

[Hopalong]

Sea, what a storm you're in.
I am so sorry for the pain.

I just want to add to the profound and wonderful things already said, that though it may feel crazy to both grieve and be angry and feel needy and longing at the same time, it's NOT crazy.

You're grieving a real dream. It was real, the dream of loving coupledom. And you've been torn awake.
The dream belonged to you. When he starred in it, you had to bolt awake.
But it still belonged to you. (It just had the wrong character in it, in every sense.)

Anger? Totally.

Needy and longing? Amputations leave phantom pain. But they are life-saving when they have to happen. This did.

I remember a study once that contrasted groups of mourners from two different cultures. The, well, WASPS, sucked in their feelings and stood stoicly by the graveside, trying not to weep. The others, forget what culture but it was hot there, tore their garments and shrieked and wailed and flung themselves on the coffin and rubbed dirt on their faces.

Five years later, the noisy full-out grievers were so much healthier, by objective medical measures and by happiness levels too.

You grieve with gusto...grieve your own dream that belonged to you and he turned to a nightmare. Letting the storm take you means it will take you into calmer water once its fury is done.

I am so glad you are here. And quit blaming yourself. Surely the good sailor does not curse herself for the waves?
(Or if she didn't read the weather chart with the little red flags pinned to it, she'll learn from what she's survived, and she won't get caught out on the water when another one's brewing.)

love,
Hops

[Plucky]

Hi Seastorm,
I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is going to hurt and hurt and hurt and one day the hurt will lessen and become bearable.  Until then, lean on us and whomever else you have, and don't worry about doing it.  You need it.  Do not try to deny your needs right now. 

Except for the need to contact your ex.  I have an idea about that.  Ns frequently use a kind of good cop bad cop routine where they are both.  They hurt and betray you, and by the way, they are the only ones you can turn to for solace because they have cut you off from everyone, and even if you have someone else, the crazy reality you are living would be too much for anyone outside the relationship to understand.  So you turn back to your abuser to 'heal' the wounds your abuser inflicted.  In order to make this work, you have to deny at that time that your abuser is as bad as he really is, in order to get the comfort and respite you need to keep on living.  So this habit of denial is begun.

Now you are hurting, and of course you wish to turn to your only previous source of relief, but also of pain.  This is a long term habit that will take time to break.  Not only our mind is involved.  Your feelings and coping mechanisms are deeply entertwined with this behaviour and you will take some time to unravel it. 

In the meantime, all you can do is make a goal of not doing anything to maintain the relationship.  Try to make a T chart, just a piece of paper with all the good things about your N on one side, and the bad things on the other side.  Whenever you think about it, write some more down.   Keep it handy. Use as many pages as you need.  When you feel the need to go to him, go to your chart and write down the thing you feel you need from him right then.  Then also write down the bad things you may get by contacting him.

Sometimes just having a momentary distraction can help you regain your equilibrium and keep you from reaching out.  Each time you do not reach out, it makes you stronger.

Try asking a friend to be your go-to when you want talk to N.  Just ask her/him to listen without offering suggestions.  Then just call that person first before you phone the N.  And hopefully instead of calling the N.

I know you will get through this.  It is not easy, so don't expect perfection.  Just incremental improvement.

Plucky

[Hopalong]

from Plucky (bold added):

Each time you do not reach out to him, it makes you stronger.

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yes Sea yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!

love,
Hops

[teartracks]

Greetings  and (((((((((hugs to Sea storm))))))))))  on a lazy Sunday evening!

tt

[CB123]

edit

[Hopalong]

CouldBe, that was breathtaking.
Breathgiving.

Hops

[teartracks]

CouldBe/Sea storm

Such wise councel.  

tt

[axa]

so sorry to hear your pain.........I understand how difficult it must be.  My sense is that you are searching for yourself.  Living with lies, betrayl and deceit is so exhausting, never knowing what is real and what is not.  Keep screaming...........I know I have. I think the post about labour was really interesting.  I am going to hold onto that image.  I know death is easier as the loved one does not want to leave and there is no betrayl in it.  I know the way forward for me is no contact but I am not able for that yet but soon, please God, soon.

axa

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((sea storm))))))))))))))))))))))))

Here's some love from me... lots of it. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You shouldn't have let him treat you like that... I think that's why it's so hard... it's hard to admit you were wrong and that you let someone do that to you. But you did... and it's over. And I forbid you to talk to the jerk Listen to me!!!!!!
For one week, I want you to think only of yourself. I want you to paint your toenails, take long baths, rent stupid funny movies (NO ROMANCE) ... Dumb and Dumber... The Jerk... etc. I want you to go to a coffee shop and sit and watch people and try to figure out their names from how they look. I want you to find something cool to do with your kids that they would like (and you would too). I want you to play crunk music or Guns and Roses REALLY LOUD in your car and scream along with it.

PROMISE ME??????????

You are a good and beautiful person and deserve real love. Talking to him is just feeding his desire to hurt you.

Lots and lots of love,
Beth

[teartracks]

Sea Storm,

How are things?  Sending hugs.

tt