Author Topic: for those whose story is too horrible to hear  (Read 9773 times)

isittoolate

  • Guest
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2007, 07:28:41 PM »
It was if I was in an unreal world.   
.
My life became an open book.  I was on the news, I was in a magazine, and I was on a current affair.  I had offers for books, I have offers for movies.  I had all kinds of people calling me.

This was not my life. This was not something I wanted.
And that was not even the end of the story but I'm too tired to write anymore.
So yes, I felt shame, fooled, a jerk,  but I got over it in time.
He doesn't feel real to me anymore.  It has passed and I'm ok.

Love ya all,

Yikes x a million, debkor.

and we think these things happen only on TV, or to us.

You told you story very succinctly (in a nutshell) and it is horrendous. Bravo to you for keeping your head and doing what you did

Very good post, CB, about sharing.

I feel safe in sharing here, and have also shared more than ever before, on this site.

I haven't checked them all, but so far I have found only one site where my (nick)name comes up in Google., but it is a lyric posting site, which to me is entirely different.

xx
Izzy

seastorm

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 399
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2007, 10:21:29 PM »
Debkor:

Holy Cow! That is an amazing story. Those kinds of things blow a person's ming. I am so sorry for the loss of your newborn baby.
Somehow there is the story and the narration of events and then their is the emotional life that you went through..... all the feelings of confusion, betrayal, the lies. This really does fog up our brains.
I am happy that you feel you have survived it.
Thanks for sharing your story. Our stories help each other.
We are not just the sum parts of the craziness that we had to live with. I am just trying to retrieve my spirit and my personality bit by bit.
Looking back I seemed to chosse being in the spin cycle where spouses were concerned. hubby no. 1 was a criminal too. He was a big time cocaine dealer. I didn't realize he was becoming a criminal. He was a good ole working man when we started out. The lure of big money and being part of an arty jet set sort of sucked him up forevermore. Life is really interesting. I was busy trying to be a better wife, gardener, mother, lover, sexgoddess etc. to try to get his attention focused back and home and hearth. I had no idea. Maybe a teeny idea. Now I would be a major snoop. I like the way you took the reins and started finding out what was going on. One should do that immediately. Hire a detective if necessary. It would save YEARS of misery.

CB
I love your words of wisdom and comfort. Blessings to you.
Today was a hard day. I was with an exciting N girlfriend. I find I don't like the experience anymore. I become voiceless with her. I ended up crying all the way home. She said " Oh well he was probably having great sex for months with his mistress".  I didn't need a technocolor picture of it. I do that for my own torture.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13619
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2007, 08:18:19 AM »
Aww, Sea.
Sex is probably the only intmacy he's capable of. And I'm sure he's quite a performer.

You deserve to complete your healing, stay away from anyone as insensitive as that Ngirlnotfriend, and one day, you will have someone to hold. You'll hold each other because you love and care about each other, and that's a different kind of touch.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13619
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2007, 08:20:14 AM »
Deb,
I too am so very sorry about your baby. It sounds as though you didn't even have time for grief.

I am so glad you are away from that crazy violent destructive ill man.

Do you feel unhooked from the drama drug?

Hmm. I think that's what it is, do you? It IS exciting to be with someone who's imagininative and nonconformist. I've always been drawn to outsiders. Still am. But on some level, I think my task is to find the unconventional soul with a steady, trustworthy heart.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

axa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1274
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2007, 12:13:52 PM »
Sea and all,

Here is another fool.  I am feeling very low today, physically sick and emotionally very very low.  I too feel like such a fool.  It is something about the madness, the more it spins out of control the more I feel unable to take a step out.  It reminds me of being in a play or such like where you know you are part of the scene but are also observing it from the outside.

It all sounds so painful.  I think what is amazing it he Ns ability to "recover" I mean that in the sense of not real recover but their ability to pick themselves up and off to the next victim.

Deb,

Words fail me, reading your story sent shivers up my spine.

Hops,

Oh how I have always always been attracted to the outsiders not so good at spotting the ones with the steady trustworthy heart.

Dazed1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 233
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2007, 01:22:05 PM »
Sea, Izzy and Deb,

I find it really hard to comment on your stories because whatever I say feels trite.

Each of you has been through horror. 

I deeply respect you all for having the guts to tell your stories and the deep, deep courage to go on with your lives.

Each of you are incredibly brave and inspiring.

By telling your stories, each of you has brought goodness into the world because you are inspiring so many people by showing that one can go on living even after experiencing hell.

Thank you all so much.
dazed

« Last Edit: January 30, 2007, 01:23:51 PM by Dazed1 »

seastorm

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 399
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2007, 10:14:12 PM »
Part three: Not seeing the signals.

We moved into a house on the lake. I was working at a new job and it was way too huge for me or anyone. I was fried by the end of the day. I would come home and N did not have dinner or had not washed a dish or swept the floor. Nada. I would do the laundry. About this time he said he wanted to control the finances because I was not capable of doing this. I organized mountains of things at work but I agreed because I wanted him to feel good. i started to pay all the bills for moorane and mortgage on his houseboat, moorage for sail boat and 13,000.00 for his airplane.  He told me we were going to be together for life. He would often say this.
There never seemed to be enough money in the account anymore. No extras for me.
After about 6 months of this I got fed  up and told him to step up to the plate. This was like saying something unspeakable to him. This would interfere with his saving for retirement. He was 52.  As soon as we moved in together he was disinterested in sex. I had never had a partner like that. I like sex and intimacy and cuddling. Cuddling was ok but nothing else.
I was happy he had stopped drinking and he told me it would take a year to adjust physically and mentally.
We bought a house together. I paid for most of it 2/3.  I then got a mortgage for another 30,000 and put that into the house to make it liveable. It was a fixer upper and in four years N did nothing to fix it up even though most of that time he did not work.  He spent enormous ammounts of time on the phone.
He was subtly denigrating me almost continually. Don't crinkle paper, stop sniffing, don't say "you know so much" , don't sigh. dont wiggle in bed.dont make sounds when you eat, no eating candy.
I tried to be fastidious and eat with decorum. I am sort of sensitive about stuff like that and I bent over backwards.
I felt exhausted after about 8 months of this. No help at home and expectations of nice creature comforts and good meals. I think a I balked a few times but the tantrums weren't worth it.
I ended up on stress leave.  N became really freaked out when it looked like I might lose my job. He could not stand the idea of me doing something else that paid less. Finally I went back to work because we just could not manage on disability.  He was not inspired to help at all. He would say things like'" If this place was tidier I might want to keep it clean" or "I cant stand the clutter so I am not doing anything".
I worked hard and when it came time for a few days off, N would inevitably head off with his daughter with whom he had a very romantic relationship.  He would take her traveling and to nice restaurants, sailing etc. All on my money.  His daughter was distainful of me. It was a very icky triange. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to like her and to have fun as a group but this was not an option.
Now these things were happening and it sounds really aweful and like there was nothing between us. But N would swear undying love to me. He promised to take me all over the world. Oh the adventures we would have.
It got worse and worse of course.  He got a job but told me he did not get paid by them. I found out months after he left that he did get paid 4000.00.  But he squirrelled it away in a private account.
IN Feb '06 he began an email affair with an old friend. It must have heated up quite quickly. N was still encouraging me to double the mortgage payments and he had not contributed for more than a year.  I was getting really angry about this. When I brought it up he would say, "Oh you are having another episode". This got worse and worse. He would scream at me" You are psychotic. Get help. You are a sick woman". I did not grasp what was happening. Whenever I brought up an issue that needed to be worked through, it became a circular, babbling labyrinth of bullshit. I would ask him where is the money going. Then he would freak right out.
He started to get sort of paranoid and accused me of wanting to destroy his family heirlooms. There were lots of them but I would not do that in a million years. He moved them to friends houses and told the friends that I was dangerous and psychotic. HE told my friends and my daughter this. This was a nightmare. Slander is an aweful thing. People cant help but think there is something to it.
I went off on stress leave again. N told my psychologist that I was homocidal and suicidal. I was not either.  He said that he had to hide the guns. I think now that he was on a rampage of projection.  His devaluing of me became like a Wagnerian opera.
When he finally went fishing I was relieved. He promised me he would send money when he sold some fish. I paid for the licenses of both he and his buddy ( over 1000.00)  Just before he left he paid his accountant 2000.00. This left me with almost nothing for the two months of summer. I would phone him and he acted shifty. He said he had not sold any fish.  I started to get frantic. Our expenses were over 2000.00 a month. I had no money for food. It was his turn to help.  He turned off his cell phone and acted like i was harassing him. He told  his fishing buddies that I was cruel and was verbally abusing him. They advised him to turn off his cell phone, which he did.  He never did come up with any money. I had to go to my brother for a loan. N did not see anything wrong with this.
Agani, he would act like I was just crazy.  His friends out fishing thought I was nuts. ( It turns out that he was phoning his new sweetie every day).
I phoned his partner and told him I had paid for the licenses and had no money. He sent a cheque. N insisted on putting it in his bank and tranferring the money to our joint account. I have no idea why. HE was always doing fast things like that.
N told me he needed time to decompress when he got back from fishing. He sort of didn't come home for three weeks. I think he went off with some woman.
He gave me & 500.00. This is ridiculous.  I told him he had to start paying, sell his property or cash in some savings  or he had to start fixing up the house. HE WAS  FURIOUS.  He said that he had no option but to leave. I had thrown him out of his own home.  I felt toltally bonkers. I could not tell up from down. N was a really good talker and usually I would give up rather than try to clarify what he was saying His bafflegab was monumental.  I know he likes to get the upper hand on people in a sort of gleeful, immature and sadistic way. I did not thing that this behaviour would include me.
It got horribly messy and painful. I cried all the time. I did not know what was going on. I begged him to tell me.  Once he said off-handedly, " A good marriage should be able to handle an affair". I replied that I would bury him in the backyard if he did that. He looked really shocked.
I found some phone bills that were sent to a private mailbox in his name in another town.  The bills showed that he called this other woman nearly everyday since Feb 06.  It was October 14
He said that he was going moose hunting, which I knew about. Then he was going to go around the province looking for jobs.  He said he was going Calgary for 2 weeks. Then I found out about the new woman.  I was so hurt and angry. I punced him on the arm ( He is a big man and was not hurt one little bit). He calmly called the police and I was arrested ( They automatically arrest people here.  I had to get a lawyer and still stand to lose my professional liscence over this. I could hear him talking to the police saying " She is violent officer and this is not the first time. She has bipolar disorder and is under a psychiatrists care" He was laughing and talking to the policeman.  They did not know that I could hear everything through the window.  As I drove off N was laughing and talking to the police. He was really enjoying this. I was devastated. I was sobbing.
That was a brutal, brutal day for me.
I came back the next day and he was gone. There was an email from one of his lady friends and it said," I am looking forward to playing with you this winter. I called all over for you but I guess you are in Calgary with your new sweetie". I nearly died when I read that email. Obviousely, this old girlfriend knew all about it. He had planned his exit.
So I had been financially abandoned, cheated and swindled, I found out he was an adulterer with more than one woman and that he planned to relocate thousands of miles away and I got arrested all on the same day.
 I could not stand the pain. I remember that. and the shock was like being hit by a truck.  I don't know what this sounds like. I loved him with all my heart and I was completely committed to him. I thought he was an honest man.
I did not think I could live through this.
Everything I had clung to was falling away. My job was too much for me, my daughter was alienated from me, my friends were mostly gone and I ddi not know anyone in the little town we lived in. Finalncially, I was in the lurch and was not sure how to hang onto the house. N would not pay a cent to keep it. It was in his interest to sell now.
He did not have any empathy for me at all. When he flipped into this new creature he was not looking back. I thought I must deserve this because new age philosophy says we create our reality. But I could not stand that thougtht.

I would welcome any thoughts or insights. Really welcome them.

Sea storm

Debkor

  • Guest
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2007, 02:57:52 AM »
Storm,


Oh no, no, no Storm you do not deserve this.  This man worked you.  He did it little by little.  It’s a process and they know how to work it.  He chipped away at you one thing at a time. He’s a liar, a cheat, He lives off women, a thief, a con, and he’s one of nature’s mistakes.  I’m sorry that jerk got you locked up for giving him a tap in the arm. Here let me help you. *SLAP* PUNCH* KICK*.  You slimy little snake.  That’s for hurting my friend Storm.  Sorry I guess I do still get angry at pigs like our ex’s. 
I use to worry about clearing things up with the people my ex told I was a nut.  I felt that I had to defend myself to everyone.  I guess that’s why they call it voiceless.  Nobody was hearing me.  They all thought he was this great guy.  It made me crazy.
I had felt the same way you do.  How could he do this to me?  I loved him. I did not deserve this. It just takes time Storm.
I wrote some about my ex and did not finish.  There is another part.  That’s along story too ugh. About oh, 2 years of his incarceration I went to my moms house and she gave me a letter that was sent there addressed to me.  It was from the state I was living in with my ex and they were looking for him for child support.  Not my children.  He must have had an affair/affairs when we were married and the girl had a baby.  She was looking for him.
I opened the letter, looked at it and threw it out.  I didn’t blink an eye.  I was so removed from it all by now. 
Let me explain how I feel about my ex now.  GAG!
You will get there Storm you really will.
Hang on there kid and cut yourself a break.   


Thanks to everyone for all your kind words.  Yes I am out of my crazy life with my ex for about 17 years now.  I have survived that ordeal.  My two children I had with him are doing really well.  Both are in college and well-rounded kids.  I’ve been busy doing those fun things like shampooing carpets* sigh * Someday I promise I will finish the story.
   

Debkor

  • Guest
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2007, 03:28:59 AM »
Sorry Seastorm ,(storm)

Only put half your name.  I'm so tired right now.  I'm sorry.

Deb

Dazed1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 233
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2007, 08:25:57 AM »
Oh (((((((((((((((((((((Sea)))))))))))))))))))),

He truly was evil.  Not only mentally ill, but actually evil.

Thank G-d you are no longer in the hands of evil. 

You literally have been delivered from the hands of evil.

I love what CB wrote, especially about boiling frogs, gaslighting and especially about freedom.

Sea, you are now free and it is OVER.

Yes, you still must deal with the repercussions, but you are doing that.

Debkor is right:  you will get there.

(((((((((((((((((((Debkor))))))))))))))))),

I'm so happy that you got through your evil and that you've got your life back.

Love,
dazed






Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13619
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2007, 09:19:28 AM »
Sea, hon,
Here's what I'm reading between the lines of the accident report.

You are a COMPETENT woman who can earn her own living.
When you are healed from the shock and horror and self-punishment (haven't you had enough? It's the worst part but get through that asap...), what you are left with is being a wiser woman who is very competent and can earn her own living.

One thing I come thru reading these stories is that I believe women should ALWAYS (even with 10 kids) have or create a way to support themselves, have credit and property in their own names, etc.

Sea. When you're better (you WILL be healed from this, your new self is emerging right now, as you read, and as you write)...you will still have those capabilities. And I bet you'll earn, and save, and budget, and bank it.

A couple years from now, I bet you'll look back on him (faint nausea but mostly icck), and think, and who knew, this man taught me financial responsibility. And admire your investments with pride.

It is NO FAIR that we should have to learn these things the hard way. But that might be in truth one silver lining that's come from this horrible storm.

lots of love to you, Sea.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13619
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2007, 09:34:14 AM »
Know what CB?
I don't think you're capable of long-term bitterness.
I don't think it's even in your wiring. Too much love of life.

So don't worry about the short-term bouts of it.

I feel bilious about your X too. Bleaaahhh.

hugs, and off to work...
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

moonlight52

  • Guest
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2007, 12:55:39 PM »
CB,

Your strength to get through victimhood and fear and bitterness is an inspirational .
Wow and the coldness of your n when you were in the middle of so much trauma must have been so painful.
That kind of a heartless n does teach lessons in a  way.
This kind of lesson CAN lead to lifelong fear and bitterness or freedom .
Well CB you have surly shown the way to freedom ,LOVE and kindness......

I learned that even a breakdown wouldnt crack my NH's veneer.  I had to drive myself to the doctor even though I had this unreasoning fear that the car would take over from my control and veer into the river.  When I was on the Xanax and couldnt drive, he told me to find someone else to get me to the doctor.  Even though he wasnt working and could take me.  I stayed home with my kids, in my bathrobe for months--trying to take care of them and not give up.  Somewhere deep inside I KNEW that it was related to my bitterness.  It had eaten a hole in me and I was hemorrhaging emotionally.

so much love to you

m
« Last Edit: January 31, 2007, 10:20:54 PM by moonlight52 »

Debkor

  • Guest
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2007, 01:18:55 PM »
Hops,



Do you feel unhooked from the drama drug?

Hmm. I think that's what it is, do you

Oh yes, that is exactly what I think.  It was like a drug. I was hooked.
Like watching a TV series, and next week tune in, next month this will happen, tune in 2 years from now and see what else will happen cause their will always be something happening till I get bored with it never getting to the end of the story or stop watching it cause it will never turn out how I want it to.

I didn't like the drama. 

I was always trying to rewrite the script, change the characters and their roles. And sometimes it would change (temp only) just enough for me to believe things were changing in my favor just enough to get me hooked again.  When I finally took my character out, (me) ended her position, her role in this crazy never ending saga I was then able to go onto a new role.  I star in this role now. I write my own script and if don't like it I simply change it.   I think I have enough experience now to be able to see what outcome I want at the end and it's not anymore drama. 

I'm unhooked.  I went cold turkey.
Although I still see the reruns sometimes. 

Love ya all,
Deb

seastorm

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 399
Re: for those whose story is too horrible to hear
« Reply #29 on: January 31, 2007, 02:15:20 PM »
Could someone get back to my story? Maybe it is all said but I would like to understand. I feel mad to understand. I learned my lesson financially.
What is this gaslightling? I think it is telling someone they are crazy over and over. Why don't I get it? If I understand then why won't the pain of loving him just go away?
I still want to pick up the phone and beg him to tell me I have it all wrong.
I am so close to being destroyed. I am not bitter. That would be better than feeling destroyed at this point.

Sea storm