sad failure feelings

[Hopalong]

Hi,
This is a tentative area for me to post about but what the hell.
I'm feeling sad because of my daughter. I was so excited about her coming up.
A few hours with her grandmother put her in a foul mood (now that's probably a sign of health!)
and she called me at work to complain about that, then when we were together, criticized me nonstop. Complained about me putting my mother first over her, scowled through me treating her to dinner, said she envied my ability to buy myself new shoes (which I rarely do, but had jusy given to her--I'd planned to return them) because she doesn't have any money (when I said if I do buy myself anything it has to be on my credit card, then she said well I disapprove of that), bitched at me nonstop about our unpacked belongings (I don't want to unpack the basement because it's a huge task and I don't want to do it until after my mother goes...but my D's room and belongings were unearthed a long time ago...I know she misses some familiar childhood objects but she rails at me for not doing it and with all the unemployment I've been through and back pain and caregiving it's just the last thing on my list for now). I took her to a fabulous dance performance, expensive tickets, special outing, and she didn't like the genre and didn't like people's spontaneous bursts of applause because they interfered with her listening to the rhythm). When we came out it was snowing and downtown looked magical and I asked if we could walk an extra short block and she said no, then she picked up her theme about the basement and railed at me all the way home despite me asking her to hold it until later so I could concentrate on my driving and she ignored that and kept at it and then I was turning at the bottom of the hill and did a 180. Then when we got home she said she wanted help with food so wanted to take home any duplicates we had in the pantry or freezer and I gave her a blank check to take to her doctor's appointment I'd set up for her and went to bed.

All in all, I woke up sad.

Hops

[dandylife]

Often, my experiences with my daughter are similar. Such negativity and criticism is draining, exhausting really. And, as you say, sad. And if we criticize back, "You are so negative" or "Why do you have to criticize?" it comes out wrong.

I discovered positive non defensive communication recently. One strategy is to stop being defensive when criticized (you didn't say you were, but her criticisms affected you.) Maybe ask questions to get her to realize what she's doing. "Did you mean to criticize me about that?" "Did you mean to make me feel inadequate?" There are tons of strategies and some interesting articles on pndc.com.

Dandylife

[Leah]

(((((( Hops ))))))

You may have sad feelings, but you are not a failure.

You suffered because of whatever transpired between grandmother and granddaughter, and, for some reason your daughter could not let it go.

You have a right to feel sad, after your planned special evening with the added magical snowy scene, was turned sour by your daughters unkind behavior.

My heart goes out to you Hops for you are a truly lovely woman with a lovely heart and a great encourager to us all.

Thinking of you,

Love & a Hug

Leah


 

[pennyplant]

Oh ((((((((((Hopsy)))))))))))), I'm so sorry it didn't go well.  D was triggered by her grandmother and it tapped into all the work she still needs to do on herself.  She is not at peace with herself yet and probably won't be for a long time.  She took it out on you because it is safe for her to do so.  A compliment???  Probably doesn't feel like one.  The past got dredged up for her and she is not as far along as you in dealing with it.  Maybe after some thought you can write to her and bring up how that treatment made you feel.  Because it was hurtful to get dumped on like that and maybe that is not the only thing a Mom should be good for.  Moms are people too.  Espcially good loving moms like you.

Love, Pennyplant

[debkor]

Dear Dear Hops,

Aw I know how you feel.  I have similar things that happen with my daughter and myself.  My daughter is 22 right now.  A young Adult.  She thinks she knows everything and is so wise.  I would like to knock her in her head sometimes. 
.
I don’t’ see her often and when I do it is not enough time.  She is in college and her life has revolved around her. I understand that is the way it has to be.  She has a full time job, a full time college student and she really enjoys being with her friends (which she should). She is having the time of her life. Her 20’s will go so fast and she will have to be a full time grown up very soon. 
When we are together instead of just enjoying it I go through similar things like you do often. 
Please don’t feel like you are a failure.  You are not.  I am not. 
I understand you feel sad that she just didn’t’ get it.  She did not capture the moment to just enjoy it.  Everything you did, she picked at, and she criticized. 
I’ve been there Hops, I’m sure I’ll be there again.



Ai, Yi, YI, YI, KIDS!!!! 





Love Deb.

[axa]

Hops SWeetie,

So sorry that your evening went so badly.  You gotta know that your D was dumping all her stuff on you.  It is hard not to take it personally but it really is her stuff.  I know how little you get to go out and about and wish it could have been a more pleasant evening.    Maybe you need to tell you rD  how disappointed you were about the evening.  Is this normal behaviour for her or is she just having a bad day.


love an hugs,

axa

[moonlight52]

Hops

Maybe when your daughter gets a handle on her life she will not be blaming and looking for you to to be fixing everything.
Could she still be grieving the early loss of her dad and this covers all her emotions?????

So sorry she has not tried harder but she will and she will see one bright day that the blaming keeps her from what she really wants
I hope this happens for both of you soon.

love to you Hops

sometimes it's like "when do I get a break"

hang in there

love and cyber hugs

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HOPS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

[Hopalong]

Thanks so much Axa, Deb, PP, Leah, Dandy, and Moon...
I think what gets to me more than her venting about her frustrations is that she has an attitude of entitlement:

give me money, food, support, time, anything I ask for ... unfortunately, her critical rants are par for the course.

It'll pass. She's contacted me a couple times today and realizes I'm not happy. Even said, "Are you all right?" I just said "More or less" since I couldn't talk from work. BTW, thank you for the Non-defensive communication link, Dandy. It was dandy--really good.

I won't obsess. She'll turn out okay, or not...but I've pretty much done all I can for now.

Thanks for your kindness and sympathy...just what I needed! Pooooooooor me...
(I'm sure you're right, Moon--she's still deeply affected by the loss of her dad six years ago.)

I'll go home and focus on a peaceful, nondefensive evening. All will be well.

love to all,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Boy oh boy, Hops!!  How do we slave and give everything to our children and then have them bitch at us for being a slacker or whatever!!  Hopefully you are just PMSing and that you'll get over it when the hormones slow down.  OR, you can just hold your tongue and wait for your daughter to grow up!!  One thing I learned after I had kids is they don't love us just because we are cool!!!

[Hopalong]

Thanks Kell.
I've been done PMSing for a few years now...

Appreciate the thought!

She'll grow up. Meanwhile, I can attend to my own happiness and not make it dependent on her reactions to or opinion of me.

Hops

[Leah]

(((((((Hops)))))))

Love and warm thoughts to you.

Leah xx

[Overcomer]

Hops:  Well, I am not so lucky.  I still ride the hormonal roller coaster.  The cramps that feel like labor.  The headaches.  The gush.....................well TMI!!  ANyway, you are right.....if you get all upset because of her bad mood, than that is just codependence.  So keep moving forward and remember that your happiness is not contingent upon hers!!  Good Girl!!!

Kelly

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))

There are many good ideas here... I like Dandy's way of approaching the situation...Regardless of how your daughter feels towards your mother, her behavior is rude and disrespectful. I hope sometime she will realize that it hurts to be treated in that manner.
I don't have any personal advice as my issues lean towards getting homework done and paying attention at this point... I know the difficult days are out there.

Take care hops.
Love, Beth

[Stormchild]

edit

[teartracks]

Hops,

I can see why all that made you sad.  It makes me sad too and I wish things were better between you and your daughter.  I'm sending you ((((((((((((((((((hugs for Hops)))))))))))))))))))))  and lots of love.

tt