I just typed a response to something you wrote on another thread Axa and it disappeared into the ether...so with perfect synchronicity the exact topic is here and even the phrase I ended with:
focused on what you dont have
The thing I thought I needed- a relationship- I turned out to already have lots of and the one I envisaged turned out to be more N-stuff.
My therapy is taking an interesting turn Axa into focussing on why what I do have doesn't always satisfy.
In particular I am having some very strong memories which I can't know whether they are real memories or not of being sexually assaulted by my maternal grandfather as a very young child, three or so.
It's something I referred to a few times in my childhood and tried to rememebr then but my family were really mad at me and we weren't made welcome at those grandparents; I distinctly rememebr the weird dynamics and the feeling of distortion and my mother's drinking worsened by the time I was six or seven after my brother's birth she was an alcoholic.
This came up in therapy because I was askign my T out loud why the heck I am attracted to Ns when the nice guys pay me attention and I love them but no sexual attraction...
After that it's been coming up in dreams and daydreams all week.
I don't think it's a repressed memory- I always remember trying to find out or 'rememebr' the actual incident, which involved my younger sister too.
Maybe he hit us or something and it wasn't overtly sexual...I do remember we were never left with him again and relationships worsened with that side of the family.
They were all drinkers and very lewd with alcohol.
But he LOOKED totally N, you know that Jack Nicholson look, intense eyes, bit cruel, smiling but not with his eyes....
My ex looks a bit like him.
Interestingly this grandfather also divined my love of music- I remember him giving me a set of classical tapes age about 5 or so which I listened to until I wore them out years later.
He always thought he was more intelligent and sophisticated than the rest of the family. Which he wasn't but he was more knowledgeable and more confident.
He was extremely arrogant and I can remember the feeling right now as I type of the frisson of fear and excitement because he was different and he thought I was different and special and he was the only one who didn't laugh at my love for the music.
Wow, sorry for the thread hijack, Axa, I just couldn't wtop writing until I got all that down. I knew there was a train of thoughts all tied up in this.
I guess I'll never know the truth of it really but I do know that he was the first N-person in my life now, and somehow tied up with my first experiences and attachments.
I never attached to my own parents, my dad I did later in childhood and siblings, but my mother insisted on controlling how much we were picked up or handled so I in particular being the eldest was very isolated.
For years I would headbang on my pillow at night as a comfort habit and even in adulthood it would sometimes happen; not now though.
~W
