Cry for help

[Ami]

I don't know how to title this  except for a deep cry for help.
I was starting to get over these physical symptoms of coming out of denial.
However,now more things have happened and I feel awful again.- like I am going to pass out
 I just need help.
 I called my Aunt today. I finally was "real" with her and told her about my life with my M. She was shocked-- totally. .
 I cried and she had such good advice. It felt so wonderful to have a "normal relative." I just felt like I was sitting in the warm sun ,.It just felt so good to talk to someone who had some wisdom about life.  She was shocked that I would feel worthless. She said  that I  I was a lovely girl who had a good character and I should have value for myself.She said that I should not take anything else to heart. It was simple advice, but it felt" real' and good-- not totally crazy like talking to my mother.
  However, she told me that my F was coming down to visit me today. They lives 2000 miles away . I had no idea about this. I called up and begged him not to come. My F is very sweet.I just do not want to face one more thing.
   Down deep, I am happy that he cares enough to make the trip to see me. It really surprises me. However, I really, really don't want him to come. I am coming out of so much denial with my H and my S that it feels too over whelming to have him and HIS denial here,too.
  I could not convince him not to come-- so he is coming
  One thing that "shocked " me that my Aunt said was that her daughters felt really strong in themselves.I think that I am coming out of denial about how bad it actually was with my M. Her daughters and son  have achieved a lot in life. They feel good inside.This really hurt me b/c I saw very clearly how much I missed. It just hurt so badly to see how much I suffered b/c I had a monster and they had a kind mother. It just hurts and hurts. They had someone to under gird them .I had the monster hiding under the bed. I had unremitting stress and anger. They had a soft place to fall. The only way that I can even cope with the pain is to know that I found God b/c of it. It is so pitiful to have to suffer at the hands of an N. I always identified with the Little Match girl story. She was outside in the cold and looking in the windows of the rooms with loving family. I looked at my Aunts family like that.Every time that  the match girl  lit the match-- she was transported in to the room and was part of the family until she lit all the matches and died in the cold.
   My son(golden) has totally turned against me. I see that my H is an N and it is hopeless.
    I need to have myself and that is the hard part -- to feel like I am worth something after all this betrayal and rejection. It is so hard to see beyond it to my inherent value.I hate myself--too- just like they taught me to and I am alone without even me, I am just so scared, overwhelmed and hurting.
The worst part is that I am believing them and turning against myself too .I have to fight EVERYONE. Everyone is against me ( except one son and Maria)My H, Golden son and mother are trying to destroy me. My father is in denial. I need to be there for myself. Instead I am getting sick and dizzy.What I want is myself  . What I need is myself ,but I don't feel that I am there for me                              Ami

[WRITE]

What I need is myself ,but I don't feel that I am there for me                              Ami

sounds like a lot of trauma catching up with you.

Glad you received some family love and hope you feel better soon (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[JanetLG]

Ami,

We can try to be there for you, if you can keep posting.

Why did your father decide to come to see you, from such a long way away, without consulting you first? Has he done that before? He's not bringing your mother, is he?!

Your aunt sounds like she's going to be there for you, now.

I have to go now, but I'll post again later.

Try not to be upset, Ami, it'll get better with time, honest!

Janet

[isittoolate]

I called my Aunt today. I finally was "real" with her and told her about my life with my M. She was shocked-- totally.

Oh No! You mean the two sisters don’t know one another’s personality and lives?
She could be like a therapist to you. Can you believe what she says about you? I’m sure she means it, and it sounds like a good relationship when you can be honest with her.

You know it is your home and you can refuse to accept someone into your home. will your father stay with you? He might see what is happening, or you might just a few days of peace from son and husband. Did he not call you, but called your Aunt?

Many of us feel cheated out of a childhood, or the fact we have not been taught life skills, but we still can take a page from someone else’s book on how to get through life. Any feelings of self-pity when comparing can only thwart your progress.

My son(golden) has totally turned against me. I see that my H is an N and it is hopeless

Would you think of divorce? As Ns never change. Did your son just begin his disrespect of you?

There is also the “fake it til you make it” in learning to be stronger for yourself.

Good Luck
Izzy

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami,
Sweetie, I am so sorry for the pain you are in. You didn't deserve this. None of it!
I know how painful & scary it's going to be facing your father. Maybe, just maybe, he'll really listen this time & come out of his denial. Do you think it's possible?
I feel the same way you do, having being raised by an NMother. And my Aunt finally realizes ALL about what I went through & is supportive, too. I know, WHY didn't they help us when we REALLY needed them?
They were fooled. Everyone was. You & I both know that's the beauty of an N.
As far as kids go, my oldest daughter (whom I'm the closest to), loves me, but  always tells me to "get over it". She cannot & will not fathom the pain I am in. So, I try not to talk to her about it.
It's just impossible for anyone else to understand what we've been through. BUT, I DO!
And, I'm here for you!
Love,
Bigalspal

[JanetLG]

Ami,

Try to ignore the twiddling. Focus on the positive.

Your aunt sounds like she'll talk things over with you, now that she knows the full story from you.

As to your father's visit - is it likely that he's been sent to 'suss out' how you are doing, by your NMum?

Occasionally, I get contacted by my NMum's latest boyfriend-of-the-moment - as if they're being oh-so-caring, when in fact they're snooping on her behalf.

I don't know much about your father. Is this the kind of thing he'd be co-erced into doing for her? Does he want to find out how you are, for your sake, to keep the relationship between you going, now that you've gone NC with your mad mother?

Janet

[Ami]

Thanks so much for responding. I went to do some things  around the house and when I came back -- 5 people cared enough to respond. I needed that  love. It helps me feel that I can go on.Maria is here,today. She said that your worth is given to you by God---not people.
Maybe, I really am worth something .,Maybe I really can value myself as a worthwhile person.
  I always wanted to ask my Aunt that question about her daughters. My aunt is honest and would not give a PC answer. She said that her  daughters have a good trust and confidence in themselves. I needed to know the reality of what it is like for people with kind mothers. It is true that they live in a totally different world.
  I got my answer. It is also, true that I have to take what I got and go on.-- like Izzy says
  I begged my F not to come down.He did not listen, even though he hates to travel. Inside me, I feel that my M made him come. It does not ring true to me  that he wants to see me face to face and talk.
It does not feel right. He has never had a mind of his own.I feel violated b/c I begged him not to come.He left a message on my cell phone on Fri and I did not get it.so, I did not call him, then
 I could be wrong about him. He could be having a soul searching time.
   My H is a true N .Whether I stay or leave is not the point,now. I will figure it out later. The point is to face it.Facing the betrayals is mind boggling.That is where I am now-- facing all the betrayals
                                                                Love  Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami & Shunned,
Shunned, I think that is wonderful advice that you gave Ami. I really do. 
But..I don't know what it is about people like me & Ami. (Ami, I hope it's ok to say this?)
Seems like we took it all in too deeply. I know I did. I can hear what everyone is saying, but putting it into practice is another thing. I think maybe it just HAS to come out. It might take awhile, too.
Ami, I've had friends that have been hurt & can get over it (seems like) quickly.
They just make up their minds...and it happens. Maybe they can fake it better than me. Or maybe my wound is VERY deep & hasn't been exposed to a healthy way of healing? I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could mother myself. I've tried, but it hasn't worked. 
How do you do that? Mother yourself? If that means telling yourself the opposite as what she told me, I have done that. I do that everyday. Her voice is just louder than mine. It drowns out every positive thing I say. How do you stop her voice?
I just really relate to what you are saying, Ami.
But....we will get there, my friend!
Love,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

Hi Bap
Mother yourself?

Be you as a little girl and think of what you need/want and then be your own mother and give it to yourself--love, understanding, praise, a sense of worth, all the things you missed......... all the while watching yourself grow from a little girl onward.

Make sense?

[bigalspal]

Izzy,
I suppose it does, in theory. I mean, I know she's the sick one. I know that.
I try to be nice to myself, I really do. I get it.
But knowing it & really KNOWING it, well..I think that's 2 different things.
I haven't been here very long, Izzy. I don't think this will happen anytime soon. This magical thing. Waking up and suddenly have 100% change. I think it's not reasonable to think, or expect that.
I'm being honest with you, Izzy. I want you to tell me if you think I'm wrong.
I know it might get tiring to hear me or anyone else vent like this. But, I think that all anyone really wants to do in a post like Ami's. Just let it out, let it flow. I have been frozen for sooo very long. I'm sorry if it makes someone uncomfortable. If it doesn't do that to you, Izzy, I'm glad. I need all the love I can get right now. I know it must seem so frustrating for someone like you, who has overcome so much in her life, to see someone  like ME, who's NOT disabled & still not getting it.
But if you give me time & patience, I will.
Love,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

Hi Bap

I am off to the therapist's now and I believe in therapy.

Write a list of all the Good things about you. Can you do that? There wasa time I couldn't

I am honest, trustworthy, a good worker, punctual, have a sense of humor, am strong, competent--like that--that is me, but tell me everything positive, not one thing negative.

Send a PM if you don't want that part here.

and No, it doesn't happen overnight!


CYA later
Izzy

[bigalspal]

Hi Shunned & Izzy,
Shunned- I'm so glad you revealed all of that to me. I appreciate the candor.
And, some days I can be positive about myself. I really can. Like I said on a previous post, my community (I live in a small town) would never guess I'm feeling this way. I've revealed things to this board that I've never told ANYONE. I have a big mask on for all of humanity to see. They think they know me, but they have no idea. It's funny, they think of me as nice & cheerful. I used to be the morning announcer on our local radio station for almost 9 yrs. & boy, I should have an Oscar for acting! Thank goodness, my mother lives in another state! Because I've had my husband & kids & grandkids on my show & wouldn't it be awful to have to explain HER! 
Anyway, my friend, thank you.

Izzy- I believe in therapy too. One day I will be signing up for some. The problem I've had is that I'm afraid to dig all this up with a real, live human being. Not that you guys aren't, it's just I have protection of some sorts behind this keyboard. This is why I've never used or revealed my real name.
That might not ever happen.
Too scary. But, I will in time, be going for therapy.
And I think your idea is excellent. I don't mind sharing my list with the board. It might take me awhile to get up the nerve. But, I promise I will. It might be good for me.
Thanks for all the advice.
Love,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

This thread has been so healing--- thank you so much, Friends.
Shunned- you said something that was a cool balm to me. You said that you get better gradually and one day you just notice the 'sun"( if I have it right)
 This gave me the peace that I needed. I am getting better-but it is gradual.
   I wanted to talk about the debate between "get over it" and it takes time. I don't want to create any controversy. This is simply my experience. I think that a person with very deep wounds gets over it very slowly and very gradually. I am getting better,but it is slow. Many people will tell you that you are taking "too long". Today, Maria(with love) told me that I should be over it now(in so many words).I realize that most people will not understand this.. Either they were not hurt that badly or they are not facing the deep hurt(IMO).Her H got it b/c he had a N MIL in a prior marriage. he gets how awful and damaging N's are.
  I know from experience that  I simply could not heal"fast" . I tried everything. What helped me  was the sharing on the board. I had to know that I was not alone. I had to reveal my pain. I had to  talk with people who had gone through the same thing and come out of it.
  For me,therapy would not be good for many reasons,but one big one is that I need the community of others who have been through the same thing. If I sit with an authority and share my guts, I would feel even more isolated. I need someone who has been there to "touch me" I do not want to get in to a discussion of the merits or not merits of therapy. This is my opinion  and experience.
   The main point  is that deep pain must be honored. It is a powerful force that must be respected like a hurricane or tornado.
  It is very damaging to a deeply wounded person for someone to tell them that they should be "over it" by now.                                                 Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

However long it takes you to 'get over it' is the right speed for you. Anyone else's speed is right for them. It's a very personal thing, and no-one really knows what is the 'right' speed, or way of healing, for anyone other than themselves, and even then it's difficult to know!

It's a journey, and you're only just starting, but you're going in the right direction. That's all you can do.

IMO, I think your friend Maria is a little 'off' to say you should be over it by now. What you've revealed on  here of your past will take a lot longer to heal than the time you have been aware of it, so far.

I've 'known' consciously what I'm up against (rather than trying and trying to make it right with my NMum) for about 15 years. It's so much better now than then, that sometimes I think it all happened to a different person.

Then, like last week, I have another nightmare and wake up crying.

But that's healing for you - it's inconsistent!

I agree with you about therapists - I think a group setiing, or a forum like this one is much more helpful than one 'professional' person.

Hope things calm down a bit for you, Ami.

Janet

[isittoolate]

I agree with you about therapists - I think a group setiing, or a forum like this one is much more helpful than one 'professional' person

.

Janet and others,

From my experience, and remember I am 68 and first saw a psychaitrist at 19 and have been in and out of single and group.

This Board is THE BEST place I have been and This therapist is the best I have had,

First the therapist--because I knew exactly what to tell her was 'wrong' with me so she knew how ro work with me and I've had 2 breakthroughs in this last month.

When it comes to Groups, now this is just me, I could go only so far in that room with people all having different things to say and my forming opinions one way or another because that person was live and REAL:  revealed a very personal item to the group, so there was a different 'feel' after that.

I also found that in Al-Anon and CODA.

I never had a breakthrough with any other therapist because I expected them to tell me what was "wrong".

Izzy