Now I remember why I'm edgy--

[isittoolate]

I just *really* looked at the calendar and have less than 2 weeks until my Brother and sister arrive, and I have things to do.

This will be the FIRST that I will try having anyone live in my world, instead of my trying to live in theirs. This is correcting a long overdue error on my part (37 years.)

One does not just become disabled and go back to normal living in the world. Adjustments have to be made on two sides --re family. It was all one-sided, and all the stress and strain has been on me.

Until these last years of freedom and choosing the more comfortable way for me.

Izzy

[motheroffour]

Hey Izzy,

How are you, my friend?  What is it that you want from your brother and sister?  I guess I want to understand more about what it means for them to interact in your world and why they haven't done it for 37 years.

--mof4

[isittoolate]

perhaps an example will explain?
As you know everyone parks as close to the door as possible. This would happen at family gatherings and when I would drive a distance to arrive, rain or shine, I would sometimes be all the way down the street, bringing me and my food contribution, purse, camera on my lap and crutches (for steps) maybe a block .

Finally Ii suggested to one family member to put a disabled parking sign in the double drive, for one of the spots.

Light bulb moment for all.

Next get together, the garage had an empty space with one car moved out and down the street and I could drive right in, bypassing the steps I would have used at the front.

Somehow though, as time passes, people forget and go back to old habits.

to repeat myself would be to 'complain' rather than suggest.

Izzy

[isittoolate]

oh hi mo4

well I have one sister, an N who says I'm slow. Well it does take longer to get in and out of a car when it's me then the 'chair. I would hurry for her sake, become anxious, feel slow and stupid, instead of her being understanding and allow me to do it the right way with no criticism.

Restaurants will be ones with no steps and accessible washrooms. I am accessible. There will be no mountain climbing on the agenda of 'tours' that I have chosen. They will accept my slowness, and when someone else will be in my car, they must wait until I do what has to be done, before they get into the car.

odds and ends like that!

thanks
Izzy

[motheroffour]

Oh Sweet.  Stuff in the physical world.  I totally understand.  It must be hard to have your needs present everyday and have loved ones forget them.  Wonder if they try so hard to avoid making you feel different that they become insensitive.

What is making you edgy?  Is it that feeling of your needs being invisable and them not being sensitive to it?  Are you concerned that they will come to town and hurt you again by not seeing your needs?  Or that you will inconvenience them or cause them to slow down for you?  Or are you edgy because you are going to venture into the world of making yourself fully present needs and all,  and that is new territory after 37 years?

[isittoolate]

MO4

and that is new territory after 37 years?

That is the main point. They have never been in this province/town before so I am the tour guide. If they are 'bored: it will be because they would not be able to live the disabled life and enjoy what thay CAN do.

I haven't seen them for 9 years that I've been here, plus a year or two can be added on from back there before I moved.

This will be the first to see me after a 4 year stint with living with an N and all the resulting trauma, which is gone, but how do we know, if there are small changes, how we would be seen by a sibling---in this circumstance?

I will be meeting my own needs. Will they think this is selfish? Think!!!!! Aha. She has to do so-and-so.

Rather redundant, here, but yes, they will have to slow down for me, as I am the 'tour guide, the one to suggest i.e types of food for a restaurant., and they don't know their way around.

They do want to talk, so want to eat out so time is not wasted rattling the pots and pans. (per brother who does the cooking at home)

I told my therapist yesterday that I must prepare for every conceivable situation, one being--Are they going to ask/suggest/tell me to move back so I won't be alone out here in my old age

Two against one!

I am not moving. Case closed!

xx
Izzy

[motheroffour]

Ahhh, I understand better why you feel edgy.  Well, as far as I can see, you sound prepared for any pressure they may put on you to move.  And the rest sounds fun to me.  Leading them around your stomping ground.  I love it.  Hope you have a great time reaquainting! You with them and them with you!

[pennyplant]

Izzy, I will be very interested to hear back AFTER the visit and learn which things turned out as you expected and which things were surprises.  Hopefully, surprises in a good way..... but you never know.  With me, the vast majority of the things I worry about don't happen.  The bad things that do happen, I never would have guessed ahead of time.  But I don't have a wheelchair to consider.  The other stuff, yes.  But not the physical stuff.  So, I will be interested to hear how it all goes. 

Pennyplant

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

Sometimes I think I'm anxious and worried when what I'm really feeling.. is excitement!

You sound very well organized and I am excited for you    Looking forward to hearing the outcome... and, of course, any other thoughts you have before their visit.

Since this is their first visit to your territory, I wondered... would you like to be the sort of hostess who says, "Just make yourself at home" and allows them to open the fridge, cupboards, etc.? 

Love,
Hope

[isittoolate]

mo4, PP and CH

Thank you.

To cover some areas, this is not a family that has sunday dinner together. It is one whereby the 4 remaining sibs, back home, & spouses get together once a YEAR...................now. Time was it wasn't once a year.....all younger.

My eldest sister I haven't seen for about 13 years. We lived about an hour apart, yet I didn't see her in about 4 years before I left. These two coming ? maybe 2 years, therefore 11 years.

I had an adrenaline rush, after I posted earlier today, that was pretty huge and now have a very bad neck from it. WoW!

I am always  organized and I don't know how much time we will be at/in my place as it is a 1 br apt. and they have booked a B&B for Sat and Sun night. Pizza was suggested for Sat lunch, since they have to arrive get to B&B and settle in. We'll have lunch here sunday--both dinners will be out!

(I did offer to pick them up at the airport but brother says they will take the shuttle. Should I HMPH? that my offer was not welcomed? Will also take shuttle back to airport on Monday! Well this little airport is not La Guardia or LAX... so HMPH!)

Yes they may open frig and cupboards for the glasses, for beer and wine on order, or snacks.

(To be cont'd August 6, PP)

oh dear 'sigh'
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Don't try to anticipate everything, Izzz.
Don't try to make things perfect.
Don't try to control what they think...

Just be wonderful you.
Try to have some laughs.
Try not to worry so much about your pace.

Just do what you do.
Keep good peace in your head.

Listen to them talk and be curious about them.
That will take your mind off yourself.

Have a good time, hon. Let it be simple.

love you,
Hops

[changing]

Dearest Izzy-

I too tried to overcompensate for my disabilities. For example, I visited my father in his wretched last months, at great cost to my own physical wellbeing. I tried to take care of him and made things even harder for myself. This was not appreciated, and I need to stop trying to rescue others, and to stop being embarrassed at my limitations. If your physical status is being taken into account by those in your milieu, that's a good development! That being said, even with a disability, you are still a complete and an autonomous being imbued with human dignity, and the mistress of your own fate!

Hugs To You,

Changing

[lighter]

Next get together, the garage had an empty space with one car moved out and down the street and I could drive right in, bypassing the steps I would have used at the front.

Somehow though, as time passes, people forget and go back to old habits.

to repeat myself would be to 'complain' rather than suggest.

Izzy

::blowing a great big phat raspberry::  Gentle reminders aren't complaining, Izzy.  Don't overthink this thing.  Stay focused on the pleasure of the visit. 

They're coming to see YOU, not be entertained by a professional tour guide. 

[isittoolate]

hiya Hops, changing  and lighter.

Thank you for your concern

The initial 'shock' at seeing how close it is to their visit is over now and I have calmed down. BUT--I had FEELINGS.

Maybe that was part of the shock.


.....and changing. We ought live within our limitations and not be embarrassed about that. If anyone criticizes--well they have to walk a 'mile in our shoes.'

My mother was in a wheelchair for 13 years before I was injured. So I had 'advance notice' that certain thiings can still be done and look like they are done without a struggle.
...but every disabilty is different. My mother used to drive, but never drove again. I drove again. Depends on the person and the ability .....which handicaps are included with the dsiability.

Yes we are still human and are due the respect of others as much as the completely able-bodied, or the famously diabled, like Christopher Reeve, Rick Hanson etc.

Love

Izzy

[lighter]

OK..... when are you sibs coming to town and how're you feeling about it now, Izz?