About Lighter

[Lupita]

Everybody has helped me here, there is not one post that has not been of help.
It seems that Lighter is going through a very hard time right now. We need to offer opinion, advice, encouragement, and cheering up to Lighter who is always helping everybody, and this is the first time I see her pain.
We have to have something to say that might help her.
God bless you all.
Lupita.... (long rant warning stop reading at the point your eyes cross, lol)

from the very bottom of my heart......

as painful as being along is at first.....

being alone is exactly what will change your life.

You will  find that you are enough.

You are strong and capable and worthy.

That your skin fits and is really quite comfy.

You'll look around and realize that you are the lucky one. 

The mean people are not lucky.... and yes they suck, but that's besides the point. 

They are not worthy of your company.

How lucky they were to have you working hard at involving them in your life from a position of need and fear.

They used your need and fear to KEEP YOU feeling weak and needy.... dependant on their crumbs.

Crumbs aren't good enough and now you know. 

Now you'll experience your own company and take comfort in it. 

It will become refuge instead of lonely panicked prison. 

I have been where you are. 

The mistake I made was feeling stronger and neglecting to be mindful of all the lessons I learned. 

It started with compromise, then went downhill from there.

I will be more careful with myself this time.

I will approach relationships from a place of want.  Not need. 

I hope you learn from my lessons and commit to solid boundaries without allowing others to talk you out of defending them, as I have done. 

I knew better Lupita and still I failed. 

::changing gears....  getting upbeat::

Time to erect healthy boundaries, Lupita. 

It'll be OK. 

You're doing it for the first time. 

I'm doing it for the second time. 

There may be hiccups along the way but......

I hope you can honor yourself enough.....

 to enforce those boundaries like a very alert mama.....

 tiger guarding her cub. 

Calm and capable. 

She knows she can defend that cub. 

She doesn't need to stand up and be loud about it. 

She can flick her tail and look a challenger in the eye.....

 and give them enough information for to know that they won't be poaching her cub today.

Then she's free to go back to enjoyng her life. 

She doesn't experience upset the rest of day over the outragouse nerve of a flea or hyena pretending to have good intentions for her or her cub. 

And isn't she the lucky one! 

Strong and in control and capable and the predators KNOW this just from the way she carries herself.....

just from the look in her eye. 

They know. 

They go and choose someone else to test. 

Ahhhhhh...... I am on a roll and I can't shut up, lol! 

Sorry this is so long guys.....  but it's been on my mind a lot lately. 

I can't afford to have hyenas poaching me or my cubs. 

My boundaries are what will keep us safe. 

Lighter saying for the day..... "there is no try, only do"  Is that right?  The Jehdi master, Yoda said something similar, lol.

I have a particularly challenging challenge before me at this time. 

I am absolutely committed to standing my ground. 

No more fear guiding me.

No more worry about tomorrow. 

I can't negotiate with my N.

I have no hope of his honoring any agreement he strikes.

So I won't bother (read that as spend money) to negotiate with him.

If it's war, and it is.... then take me to battle and I'll fight standing without fear of the outcome.

If I fall, then he falls too. 

I won't be left lying in the dirt bloody and in debt up to my eyeballs with legal fees while he gloats and dances around all happy that he manipulated me and the system into allowing him to get away with murder. 

I won't be left with a Judgement I can't collect or enforce while he's soppin up sun with various and assorted women on a beach while I struggle to raise children alone, hounded by collection agencies. 

I simply reject that choice, though my attorney and family would have me choose it. 

They don't understand that a reasonable offer from an N is reason for your gaurd to come up.  Bring out the big guns (figurative) if they come bearing gifts or make a promise. 

I don't want flowers or promises.

I don't..... ahhhh ya.... I realize I'm still ranting but it MUST COME OUT...... want to go to war either but he's counting on my gentle nature to choose the path of least resistance and (figurative) blood shed. 

He's wrong this time.  He's been right every other time he's pushed me over the line. 

I let him push me. 

Why would I stop now?

[Lupita]

My boundaries are what will keep us safe. 

Lighter saying for the day..... "there is no try, only do"  Is that right?  The Jehdi master, Yoda said something similar, lol.

I have a particularly challenging challenge before me at this time. 

I am absolutely committed to standing my ground. 

No more fear guiding me.

No more worry about tomorrow. 

I can't negotiate with my N.

I have no hope of his honoring any agreement he strikes.

So I won't bother (read that as spend money) to negotiate with him.

If it's war, and it is.... then take me to battle and I'll fight standing without fear of the outcome.

If I fall, then he falls too. 

I won't be left lying in the dirt bloody and in debt up to my eyeballs with legal fees while he gloats and dances around all happy that he manipulated me and the system into allowing him to get away with murder. 

I won't be left with a Judgement I can't collect or enforce while he's soppin up sun with various and assorted women on a beach while I struggle to raise children alone, hounded by collection agencies. 

I simply reject that choice, though my attorney and family would have me choose it. 

They don't understand that a reasonable offer from an N is reason for your gaurd to come up.  Bring out the big guns (figurative) if they come bearing gifts or make a promise. 

I don't want flowers or promises.

I don't..... ahhhh ya.... I realize I'm still ranting but it MUST COME OUT...... want to go to war either but he's counting on my gentle nature to choose the path of least resistance and (figurative) blood shed. 

He's wrong this time.  He's been right every other time he's pushed me over the line. 

I let him push me. 

Why would I stop now?

He certainly won't.

I'm the beach donkey (love that Axa) and he's the Master of the universe.

Let's see what happens when the beach donkey takes up a flame thrower and faces the master?

I don't laugh when I say that. 

I'm deadly seriouse and I'm truly interested in what happens between a deadly committed beach donkey and deadly committed MOU who's never backed down..... ever.

Simply lied and manipulated, cheated and schemed his way through life without any shame. 

LAUGHING about things he's done, that would break you or me with shame, had we committed the same act.

No care as to how the world really views him, though he'd be delighted if he could be viewed as the victim.

He's carefully been cultivating that image of himself and his camp certainly indulge that fantasy, though they know in their hearts that it's not true.  What the hell is that, anyway? (Rhetorical) 

If you've read this far I thank you for that.  I don't need any comments or atta girls on this one.  I just needed to put this out there into the ether and let it breath.

::Sigh::

It's gonna be OK.

btw.... Lupita..... I'd like to be in your book club; )
 
 

[Ami]

Forgive for being dense. I am not too 'with it" today ,either. I really don't understand this thread. I would like to be first in line to help Lighter. She gives all her heart ,caring and love to her posts. She tries to touch each person in a heartfelt and honest way. I so, so appreciate her. I REALLY mossed her when she was gone.
  Lighter-you are a wonderful presence on this board.. How can I help?              Love         Ami
 

[motheroffour]

I am feeling at a loss as well.  What is going on with Lighter ?  My support is here.  Feel like Ami just typed exactly what I was about write myself.  Lighter, you are such a strength.  What do you need?

--mof4

[Lupita]

divorce, bad lawyers, she feels lonely in a battle against her N husband.
CB gave her validation in the other thread.
CB understood.

[bigalspal]

I'm not sure what's going on with Lighter, but she has my sympathy!
And my love & support.
Love,
Bigalspal     

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Lighter)))))))))        ((((((((((Lupita))))))))))

I am out of the loop, but offering hugs and prayers for you both.

Love,
Hope

[bigalspal]

Hi Lupita,
I'm not sure which thread you are talking about.
But if it's about divorce, I know that can be so rough!


Lighter--
I'm so sorry. I'm assuming you x is an N.
That just makes it so much worse.
And if he has a shark for an attorney, well... that's even worse!
Lighter, you have always been very nice to me.
I appreciate it!
So, I'm here for you.
Just tell me how, & I'll do it.
Love,
Bigalspal

[Hopalong]

That's kind of you, Lupita, and you're spot-on about our Lighter Tiger!

Lighter,
Here's one light, shining beside yours...we'll all aim our lights together and help you keep on your path. I'm glad you're going to coolly, determinedly, total-backbonedly, fight for what is rightfully yours.

He has a surprise coming, it sounds like.

I was thinking on CB's thread, and yours, how it might be nice for lawyers to receive a little printout about N's external "reasonableness" and the real script that's playing inside them. Could save a lot of time...

hugs all,
Hops

[lighter]

I was thinking on CB's thread, and yours, how it might be nice for lawyers to receive a little printout about N's external "reasonableness" and the real script that's playing inside them. Could save a lot of time...

hugs all,
Hops

Hops, If you have a good link, I'd appreciate seeing it. 

I don't know where exactly I'd find something that said that succinctly and clearly. 

Thanks, if it's not too much trouble: )

[tayana]

Lighter,

I'm not sure what's going on with you because I'm behind on reading the threads, but here's a hug and a sympathetic ear if you need it.  You're always there to be a voice of reason and hope, and I appreciate that so much.

Thanks for all you do.  (((((hugs))))))

[mudpuppy]

Hi lighter,

Don't know if this is useful but I have always found this gal at the provided link to be extremely perceptive and able to put things in straightforward language even a lawyer can understand. And she has a bunch of fairly short essays that you could pick and choose from or splice together the most useful parts.

http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/npd_site_content.htm

mud

[changing]

Precious Lighter-

Thank you for your help and support when I was so alone and ashamed, in pain. I will continue to pray for you and your circumstances. You are loved and appreciated, and your many fans will support you now, and rejoice with you when you vanquish your vile enemy!

Hugs, Changing

[Lupita]

Because some are saying they do not understand what is going on, I am copying and pasting CB and CH postings from the other thread.


This is from CB
Lighter,

Been there (still am). For the past year, I have been trying to convince someone--anyone--to believe me that my NH is not in this for the reasonableness of it. He will make a shambles of every "agreement" and try to make everything hopelessly convoluted and impossible to decipher. He is the master of confusion and he is trying to spread a thick layer of it over everything in this divorce.

No one has believed me. I had the same lawyer for six months--he never did believe me. I switched lawyers and I had to start all over. Yesterday, he got it. He said: I understand what you have been trying to tell me. No more messing with this joker. We are going to the wall. It's over.

I cried. Finally.

The first step, Lighter, is for you to finally believe it yourself. The only way this is going to end half-way well is for you to be just as in-your-face as he is. It went against everything I am--I am the supreme pacifist, turn-the-other-cheek, believe the best about someone--but I had to get over that. They have absolutely no internal controls. You could give them everything they want, and they will decide they didnt ask for enough. Ask me how I know.

Stand firm, Lighter. Chin out. Dukes up.


This is from CH
This is the truth...
There is no pacifying N.
There is no "letting N off the hook" in order to simplify matters and expedite closure.
There is no ending it cleanly, neatly, concisely, or reasonably. None.

But I never did put up my dukes... I refused to give him the satisfaction.
What I did was - "show up"... the last thing he expected. He fully expected to wear me down, but I just kept showing up.
Hearing after hearing, I was there... at times, only to find out that he failed to make an appearance >> rescheduled>> more agony...
and yet I kept showing up.

Remember, N's lawyer is presenting agreements, settlements, compromises, and resolutions... assuming that any reasonable person would want this done.
N's lawyer doesn't get it either. This one didn't until it came to the point where he would have to perjure himself in order to continue defending his client.
Then he resigned >> more rescheduling, more hearings, more NoNseNse.

Just keep showing up.
(((((()))))))

Love,
Hope

[Lupita]

When I went through that, I just decided that I did not want to fight. I knew that my ex husband was very selfish and he would like to save money. So I told him, if you do not ask for vacation with my son, I will not ask for child support. I took the burden of raising my son alone, working double to support my self and my son, with out any help, with an N mother, but I paid. Now my son loves me and I prevented from him to spend vacation with a damaging father. His father was very bad to him and would have loved to damage him more just to hurt me. So I protected my son and did not have to spend money in lawyers. My son asks me why I separated him from his father, and I say would you have liked that I left you there? He said no. I could not let him go on vacation for very good reasons. Not vain reasons, not woman reasons, but very very important reasons that I am not going to talk about in this board. But God knows I was protecting my son.