Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[binks]

I agree Bones. I've always had a problem with understanding boundaries, because I wasn't allowed them.

I've gradually learnt enough to not be a problem to anyone most of the time, but I still ask people to stop me if I'm going to far.

For instance, at work (I'm a teacher) I had to explain to the Headteacher why I needed a couple of days off for a hospital procedure and why. (pelvic pain, ovary problems,extremely heavy periods etc). I started explaining and could see him looking slightly uncomfortable and I had to say "I have trouble with boundaries, I'm not going to be embarrassed by any of this so you need to stop me when you are embarrassed." Bless him, he said he was fine.

The best way for me to learn how to have boundaries is to do the opposite of what my mother did most of the time!!

[BonesMS]

I agree Bones. I've always had a problem with understanding boundaries, because I wasn't allowed them.

I've gradually learnt enough to not be a problem to anyone most of the time, but I still ask people to stop me if I'm going to far.

For instance, at work (I'm a teacher) I had to explain to the Headteacher why I needed a couple of days off for a hospital procedure and why. (pelvic pain, ovary problems,extremely heavy periods etc). I started explaining and could see him looking slightly uncomfortable and I had to say "I have trouble with boundaries, I'm not going to be embarrassed by any of this so you need to stop me when you are embarrassed." Bless him, he said he was fine.

The best way for me to learn how to have boundaries is to do the opposite of what my mother did most of the time!!

Thanks, Binks!  That is a good way to learn!

Bones

[BonesMS]

And, at the same time, there is SO MUCH to learn!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

I'm still processing things that NWomb-Donor did to me while I was growing up.

One thing, from my medical history, has NEVER made sense.....until now.

When I was still an infant, in diapers, I was CONSTANTLY developing boils where my diaper covered...including INTERNALLY!!!!  Now how in the HECK would an INFANT develop boils THERE unless NWomb-Donor was doing something she should NEVER have been doing IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?

Bones

[BonesMS]

Still thinking random thoughts to blog about......

One of those thoughts was going back to the basics...what ARE boundaries?

I remember, when I was at a John Bradshaw workshop, that he discussed what HEALTHY boundaries were supposed to be.  An example of a healthy boundary:  where children were allowed to BE CHILDREN and not be triangulated into the marriage of their parents!

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Good question there. I think boundaries take many forms. Like giving people physical space --- giving grown children the freedom to move away from the parents without trying to make them feel bad for pursuing a career or other dreams. Or giving them space in time --- allowing them to loosen the rhythm of contact, allowing ourselves even to loosen the rhythm of contact, so that we are not required to call or visit according to what the other person wants but what we are comfortable with. And I think with healthy boundaries, these spaces don't signal the end of the relationship.

Emotional boundaries are harder. In my family, you would offend people if you didn't feel the same way they felt about a situation. It was assumed that you felt the same way the other person did. I think emotional boundaries mean that you recognize which emotions are yours and which emotions are the other persons' (and you are feeling empathetic with them but you don't necessarily feel the same way they do). And when you recognize what your feelings are, then you can act on those feelings rather than getting sucked into acting according to the other person's feelings.

Well, Bones, I haven't even begun to describe the many types of boundaries, but hopefully other people will jump in and contribute too!!! I wonder if there's any way to distill all the different types of boundaries down into a concise description or definition.

[Ami]

I'm still processing things that NWomb-Donor did to me while I was growing up.

One thing, from my medical history, has NEVER made sense.....until now.

When I was still an infant, in diapers, I was CONSTANTLY developing boils where my diaper covered...including INTERNALLY!!!!  Now how in the HECK would an INFANT develop boils THERE unless NWomb-Donor was doing something she should NEVER have been doing IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?

Bones

Dear Bones
 I think our bodies and minds know the answers but the accessing of ourselves is the hard part. I am glad you are asking these questions!
 I think that boundaries will come naturally when we love ourselves. I think it is a natural development of protecting what is in there--us.                                     Ami

[Ami]

I agree Bones. I've always had a problem with understanding boundaries, because I wasn't allowed them.

I've gradually learnt enough to not be a problem to anyone most of the time, but I still ask people to stop me if I'm going to far.

For instance, at work (I'm a teacher) I had to explain to the Headteacher why I needed a couple of days off for a hospital procedure and why. (pelvic pain, ovary problems,extremely heavy periods etc). I started explaining and could see him looking slightly uncomfortable and I had to say "I have trouble with boundaries, I'm not going to be embarrassed by any of this so you need to stop me when you are embarrassed." Bless him, he said he was fine.

The best way for me to learn how to have boundaries is to do the opposite of what my mother did most of the time!!

Oh Gosh, Binks. I have put my foot in my mouth so many times !                 Ami

[BonesMS]

Good question there. I think boundaries take many forms. Like giving people physical space --- giving grown children the freedom to move away from the parents without trying to make them feel bad for pursuing a career or other dreams. Or giving them space in time --- allowing them to loosen the rhythm of contact, allowing ourselves even to loosen the rhythm of contact, so that we are not required to call or visit according to what the other person wants but what we are comfortable with. And I think with healthy boundaries, these spaces don't signal the end of the relationship.

Emotional boundaries are harder. In my family, you would offend people if you didn't feel the same way they felt about a situation. It was assumed that you felt the same way the other person did. I think emotional boundaries mean that you recognize which emotions are yours and which emotions are the other persons' (and you are feeling empathetic with them but you don't necessarily feel the same way they do). And when you recognize what your feelings are, then you can act on those feelings rather than getting sucked into acting according to the other person's feelings.

Well, Bones, I haven't even begun to describe the many types of boundaries, but hopefully other people will jump in and contribute too!!! I wonder if there's any way to distill all the different types of boundaries down into a concise description or definition.

Thanks, HeartofPilgrimage!

Distilling all the different typs of boundaries down into a concise description or definition is going to take a LOT of thinking!  To begin the process, I'm thinking in the following terms:

Boundaries of Mind, (Don't dictate what I am allowed to think!)

Boundaries of Body, (Don't touch me without my permission!)

Boundaries of Spirit, (Don't attempt to crush me!)

Boundaries of Heart, (Don't dictate what I am allowed to feel!)

Boundaries of Family, (e.g. NWomb-Donors, NBio-Chutes, NSperm-Donors, NBio-Spurts do NOT have a right to interfere with YOU, YOUR marriage, YOUR spouse and/or YOUR children!  PERIOD!!!!!)

Boundaries of Living Space, (i.e. your room, your apartment, your condo, your house, your land, your street) - NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TRESPASS, WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE A CELEBRITY!!!!!!

(The N's nose ENDS where my business BEGINS!)

(I'll think of more as I contemplate.)

Bones

[BonesMS]

I'm still processing things that NWomb-Donor did to me while I was growing up.

One thing, from my medical history, has NEVER made sense.....until now.

When I was still an infant, in diapers, I was CONSTANTLY developing boils where my diaper covered...including INTERNALLY!!!!  Now how in the HECK would an INFANT develop boils THERE unless NWomb-Donor was doing something she should NEVER have been doing IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?

Bones

Dear Bones
 I think our bodies and minds know the answers but the accessing of ourselves is the hard part. I am glad you are asking these questions!
 I think that boundaries will come naturally when we love ourselves. I think it is a natural development of protecting what is in there--us.                                     Ami

Thanks, Ami.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Brainstorming welcome!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Boundaries of Mind, (Don't dictate what I am allowed to think!)

Boundaries of Body, (Don't touch me without my permission!)

Boundaries of Spirit, (Don't attempt to crush me!)

Boundaries of Heart, (Don't dictate what I am allowed to feel!)

Boundaries of Family, (e.g. NWomb-Donors, NBio-Chutes, NSperm-Donors, NBio-Spurts do NOT have a right to interfere with YOU, YOUR marriage, YOUR spouse and/or YOUR children!  PERIOD!!!!!)

Boundaries of Living Space, (i.e. your room, your apartment, your condo, your house, your land, your street) - NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TRESPASS, WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE A CELEBRITY!!!!!!

Boundaries of Personhood, (Don't insult me because I DARE to have a LIFE WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION!!!!!!)

(The N's nose ENDS where my business BEGINS!)

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Those are awesome, Bones ... I thought, how can I use your categories and turn them into stuff that WE can do to set boundaries ... so here's my attempt:
Boundaries of Mind ... My thoughts are my own and I will be alert to attempts to control or dictate my thoughts.

Boundaries of Body ... My body is my own and I will be the one to determine who touches me and in what way.

Boundaries of Spirit ... My spirit is my vital self, and I will protect my vital self from people and situations that harm me.

Boundaries of Heart ... My feelings are what they are. I have a right to fully experience them.

Boundaries of Family ... My relationship with my spouse is private and between us only. The way I parent and my relationship with my children is between me and them only.

Boundaries of Living Space ... My home is my castle, and I have a right to say who can enter and for how long and in what way.

Boundaries of Personhood ... I must make decisions about how to live my life from the perspective of what is best for me (and what is best for those I am responsible for, such as my kids ... but not what is best for people that ought to have their own lives to lead).

Thanks, Bones, this whole exercise has been very helpful to me! I have a much clearer idea of where I need to work on boundaries now.

[BonesMS]

You're very welcome, Heart of Pilgrimage!

Another boundary that I have to think of a name for:

"You do NOT have the right to smear my name because I DARE to refuse to blindly obey your demands for total, unquestioned control over me!"

Bones

[BonesMS]

Just thought of a possible name for what I described above:

Boundaries of Integrity

Bones