PP!!!!!!!!!
How cool is that????? You learned a huge lesson. I would say, though, that it wasn;'t as huge as it must have felt to you - the being "caught." Look at it this way. If an old flame of, say, your brother, looked him up and you saw that the person had done so, would you being overly excited about it????? Not really, probably. We all look into our past... I'll tell you a funny story at the end about what I found...
You do give away your power - in not being confident. I believe that those people who want "dominance" look for any sign of weakness in another. Being ashamed or fearful, those things draw these beasts.
I see you as smart, funny and charming. If you portray what you ARE, they will not look for the break in the armor.
Sooooo... When I got pregnant with my first baby, I had a weird desire to look up the guy I almost married. We had been together for six years. I found him on the internet... he had married a girl from high school and had taken her name as his middle name, which he uses for professioanl purposes. He was always like that - he wanted to be dominated in a strange way and "claimed" by his woman. The guise was that of a "sensitive" male. (Anyone ever see the movie Bedazzled where Brandon Frazer is the Sensitive Man?)
Oh Beth, it is very cool!!!
I have calmed down considerably since Sunday. I was thinking today, his little sister probably read my answer to her questions and thought, well, that's weird, and then went on with her day. Life goes on. She is someone with voice, that much I learned from reading her online stuff. So, I don't imagine this was more than a blip to her. I was projecting......
Though I would not be too worried if someone looked me up. In fact, I have run into people from the past every so often, and it seems like they are checking me out. It has felt nice each time to think, oh, so all those years I thought nobody liked me, somebody really did.
The "rock star", though, that was something else. That one will require some more thought. I do not want to run into him. That one is still in the painful place. And he was angry with me, I believe. So, I doubt that he would like to run into me, either.
The not being confident. Yes, you are right. That is a big problem. That was something I learned about thanks to the episode with the "rock star." During the six months I knew him, I gradually sensed that I was "changing" inside. I told my husband afterwards, once I felt it all drain out of me, that it was the only time in my life that I felt happiness all the time, the only time that I felt beautiful, self-confident and happy all at once and all the time. I believed I could do anything. That feeling lasted for approximately four months. It began to end the day he left. I still don't understand it. My husband knew what I was talking about because he had noticed a huge change in me during that time. I don't know if it was some kind of addiction. I don't know if it was that he somehow brought out the best in me like a best friend would do. Maybe I was confused and it had nothing to do with him and was just a coincidence. I would try to console myself--well, at least I know what it feels like and I will recognize it if it ever happens again. It wasn't much consolation, though. Maybe I have made too much of something that was just hormones. I would like to understand it thoroughly though.
I would like to have that confidence back. I want to like myself again. I felt no shame during that time. I felt like I belonged everywhere.
I got a kick out of your story about the old boyfriend. I tend not to trust a guy who is too female-oriented like that. I don't know why. I just think to myself, THAT is not normal. How about just being a guy!!! Man, he is trying too hard!!
Love, PP
