I had such a healing experience yesterday.It relates to shame so I wanted to share it here.
I was really down ,yesterday .I made myself do some of the inner child workbook. It said that we all have an "Adult Child inside us. The Adult Child took on all the messages from our parents , society, books, movies etc..about how we should be.
Our Adult Child functions in two ways--- either the codependent or the narcissist( or both,usually). There were two long checklists of behaviors. One was all the ways that we try to get people to like us using codependent behaviors--like being nice, too giving, too caretaking, seductive, approval seeking, self effacing etc. The other way that we try to "control" people to get them to do what we want is narcissistic behaviors such as tantrums, whining, manipulating,pouting, coercing, arguing etc. We all do both types of behaviors.
How we got this way was that we rejected our true "inner child.. Inside us is a layer of feelings ( pre verbal ). When we were treated badly by our environment we ASSUMED that we( this deep level of feelings) was BAD.We shoved out true self away. So, we rejected it and tried to 'please' or 'control". THAT is how we got those 'Adult Child" behaviors.
Anyway, I could see how my whole life(now) is just WAITING for the outside to meet my needs. I am one giant "waiting". I look back and all my "successes" dissappointed me. All my relationships left me empty. WHY am I still waiting for .........PRINCE CHARMING. Prince Charming can be anything from the outside--anything.It can be a new dress, plastic surgery, a new car, an affair, a marriage, a house, new hobby, --anything that I think will fill up the inside.
The "lie" of it is that the substance or person DOES fill the inside for a short time. I have heard that this is what happens with drugs like heroin. The first high is so incredible that you chase that first high for the rest of the time ,but never get it. Supposedly,heroin is like the best type of "mother's love".
After the checklists, they had a list of characteristics.. You checked which you had . They were traits like feel worthless, feel less than ,etc. I saw how I 'took" on what my M told me.
Then they had an exercise where you picture yourself as a young child. What messages did you have inside about yourself?
I could just feel back when I was 8. or 9. I went to day camp in the summer. I was "developed " at this age. It was horrible. I was so ashamed of my body. My M was horrified.More than this , though, I felt the weight of my M's happiness on me. I was supposed to make it all right for my M. .I think that she thought I was supposed to fill the role of making her"feel good" and "look good". I was a huge failure.I felt like a dirty,messy, fat," can't do anything right", bothersome, annoying, bratty failure.I had a heaviness that I carried with me all day. I hated day camp. My M always wanted to get rid of me. I was gone from 7 A.M ( when the bus picked me up) to 6 P.M. ( when the bus brought me home).
I felt like a huge bag of "trouble' .I felt like I was simply a huge, annoying, messy bother who could never make my mother proud. I always was swimming in failure. My M was angry and I could never seem to perform to make have " the good kid" she wanted . I pictured some thin, nicely dressed little girl who was quiet and polite. That would be the "good kid" who would make my M happy.
If I asked for a hug,she would say,"YOUOOOOO need too much love.". If I asked for anything she would say,"YOUOOO are too dependent."
I really just felt like a fat,useless, bad blob.I needed too much love and I was too dependent.
I was so ashamed of my body that I would not take off my jacket at camp,even if they played softball and I was sweating like a pig.The counselor would say,"Don't you want to take that jacket off?"
I remember the feelings as deep worthlessness-..They felt like heavy, heavy bags of garbage that I lugged with me all day. I was just "bad" I could never be "right" no matter how hard I tried. My M knew that I was 'bad" and I was.What really made me bad was needing too much love and being too dependent.
Last night,I connected with the deep decision that I made that I was 'bad". I see that it was a NPD
mother's way of viewing a child. I really(on her mind) was supposed to make her happy.I still am(in her mind). I was born to make her happy( feel good about herself) and to make her look good. I tried it all. If trying could make it come true,it WOULD have come true. I gave my whole life to her. It was not enough. Nothing was ever enough b/c I did it. If I did it,it was flawed,just like she was.
That was how I became so ashamed(part of it anyway) Love Ami
