Today I will have energy and use it to the best of my ability

[Poppy Seed]

Lighter,

Hmmmm.....people battling all around you.  Tell me more about that.  This is interesting that you see it as something reoccuring and that right now it is the sisters pushing the button.  What is the button?

Sounds like to me,  you are fighting your unprofitable thoughts.  Like the ones that get created from your mother's pitying looks.  Or the ones created by the battling around you.  Yeah?  Sounds like they make you feel invisable....or that in some way you want to be part of their conversation.  Sounds like they are so concerned with their own insecurities, they fail to see anyone else in the room.  Yet, they want you to accomidate them.  Maybe they need a "Moonstruck"  slap.  "Snap out of it!"  Anyway, I care what you say.  You have a boat load of gold in you.  And the fact that they don't listen......or perhaps don't appreciate the power of comfort food......doesn't change any of your wonderfulness.  Neither can a few pounds!  So there!

Pops

[Poppy Seed]

Tayana,

Sounds like you have to listen to what your son is doing and not what he is saying.....and all the while communicating to him his worth.  I need to do better at this one with my son.  Thanks for the unintentional nudge.

Pops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
 What  I did with my sons that I thought was good ( and they did too,later), was that I let them talk to me about anything,but I would not take any disrespect. My gut told me which was which  when I was not sure.
  With boys, if they are disrespectful when they are young, you can have real trouble when they get stronger than you are---bleh. Trust your inner voice, Tayana                   Love   Ami


(((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
                                                             

[tayana]

Ami, I thought it was a good sign when after our little spat, M came up to me on his own and said, although not in a very convincing voice.  "I'm sorry I yelled at you."  I said thank you, and then he said, "And?"

I looked up and realized he was waiting for me to say something.  "I'm sorry I yelled at you too," I said.  It was over and done, forgotten.  Thirty minutes later.  "I'm ready to be tucked in."

I think I did all right.  I still guess at normal, I'm afraid.  See, I won't do things for him when he tries to order me about, but if he asks politely, then I don't mind.  Or if he's nasty, I'll tell him to go get his own milk, chips, whatever.

[Hopalong]

Oh Tay, that's WONDERFUL, that he knows how to say, I'm sorry.
And you needed to too, and you did. That's really healthy.

I hope it ended with loving hugs.

xo
Hops

[tayana]

Hops, it pretty much ended with our usual tucking in routine of squeezing hugs and kisses.  *sigh* I'm guess he's not going to want those much longer. 

[lighter]

Dear Lighter,
  This is very hard to do  but I think that your answer is not so much a "mantra" but to stay centered in yourself.
  It could be "practice" to be true to yourself and your emotions ,even though you are being challenged by "craziness".
   I don't envy you b/c it sounds like you are taking a Ph.D exam with those relatives.
  I think that the important thing would be to try NOT to control the situation in any way. You will have to examine yourself to see if you have a "dog in the fight",in any way.IOW,does your ego need a certain outcome?
  I just saw how "control' works so it is a new thing with me to be able to see HOW much I try to control so I can look or feel  good-bleh.
  I think that if you take it as a learning experience ,it might be the best way to view it. Compost what does not fit.                    Love    Ami

((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))
 

An example of the kind of conversation I don't want to have is this one, with my SIL.

ME:  I'm thinking of starting the girls and myself on micronutrients, along with the daily vitamin we already take. 

SIL:  I don't think shoving things like that down children's throats instead of excercise or food is a fix and lots of people do that.

ME:  Yes, I realize that... not good.  Now, I'm thinking of starting this and I'd like you to consider it for my niece and nephew, I'll even pay for it I believe it's beneficial.  (my niece's teeth are coming in wonkey (soft)  and she has ADHD and ODD... other things)

SIL:  Your sister just shoves pills down her daughter's throat, I won't do that to my kids.  She's going to be a little hypochondirac and it's obscene. 

ME:  This is one sweet tart like chewable twice a day..... .along with a daily vitamin, which I hope they'er already taking.

SIL goes on and on and on about things I'm not doing, things my sister does or the world does and won't shut up or listen to a word I have to say. 

I guess the obviouse thing to do would be to say:  I can see you don't want to talk about anything relevant so we can just end this conversation here.  No worries. 

[lighter]

Nice story, Tay.

I won't do things for my children if they order me about either.

They still have to be reminded to use their manners, over and over again. 

Nice that M's learned how to apologize and knows when it's appropriate that others apologize too.  He felt entitled to an apology!  YAY! YAY! 

That's a good thing, IMO. 

He felt he owed you one..... even better: )

You're a good mama, Tay. 

[Ami]

Dear LIghter,
  Your SIL sounds HORRIBLE and a HORRIBLE mother. You can't really save your neice, although it is an honorable and wonderful desire on your part. I think that wanting to help your poor neice is what is causing you so many problems.
  That poor child. She is going to suffer like we on the board have.
  It is pitiful .Well, maybe you could manipulate your way in to at least getting your neice simple things like vitamins. I am so sorry LIghter. Your SIL should be slapped( after I get done with Lupita's mother)
 I am really sorry ,Lighter.            Love  Ami


((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter, neice))))))))))))))))))

[finding peace]

Hey Lighter

She sounds like a lot of fun to have a conversation with....not!  I find conversations like those so incredibly draining - you get to the point where you just throw up your hands and say I have to check the food.

What would happen if you said this (knowing that the ultimate goal is to get your neice on vitamins):

ME:  I'm thinking of starting the girls and myself on micronutrients, along with the daily vitamin we already take. 

SIL:  I don't think shoving things like that down children's throats instead of excercise or food is a fix and lots of people do that.

YOU:  You are absolutely right - excercise and food are critical for a child's health.  I am so glad that you realize that, you are right, so many people ignore the importance of exercize and food (give shocked face).  There is no substitute for those.  With my kids I always focus on those first too.  You know with the risk of so many diseases these days, I think it can only help to supplement. Just the other day I heard of another outbreak of MRSA - that nasty skin eating disease, seems to me in this day and age we need to protect our children any way we can...don't you agree? 

I have found that for people like this, they have a need to be right or superior and that need is stronger than common sense.  With my F I used to have to do this all the time just to get through to him - give them what they need (ie, say they are right) and then work in what you need, but do it in a way that they can hear it.  If I was straightforward about something (my preference) he would just play games and be a jerk.

Also by saying don't you agree at the end of the sentence, you have left her with 2 responses - yes or no (learned this in a sales position - they told us never to use it, because that gave the client the option to say no - didn't like that job) - after everything you have just said about MRSA, she would be an idiot to say no.  And if she takes the idiot route - that is when you give the shocked face again.

Sounds yucky I know.  Usually I wouldn't bother with people like these but with your neice's health at stake - I would give it a try and see if it works.

Peace 

[lighter]

I've been trying to make peace with failing my niece.

It's been one of my deepest saddest come to Jesus issues..... that I failed to say or do anything on my nieces behalf..... when it really would have helped.


It's about disagreeing with my SIL.

She's fairly unnaproachable...... she's always right, even while her children are falling apart.

I'll either figure it out.... or not.

The sadness may go away..... or it won't.

It's not healthy but, SIL was pretty well tortured by her mother in early childhood.

She's remarkably functional, considering: /

I may never be able to communicate reasonably with her and must learn to live with it, I suppose.

Some things are larger than we can overcome. 

That's the truth.

Figuring out how to solve our own problems may have to be enough.......

then I find myself looking into my nieces big brown eyes....... and I realize I don't know how to live with myself in that moment.

[Hopalong]

Can you bake her Superfood-in-brownies the way I used to bake a certain weed that looks like oregano into brownies a couple decades ago when I was young and foolish?

(Shrewd...big brown eyes. Love bomb for little niece! SWAK! Hand over brownie. SIL gets one too).

Huh, Ami, would it work? I bet it could with the right brownie recipe.

guilt-free,
Hops

[finding peace]

Lighter,

You have not failed your niece.  Let me repeat - YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR NIECE.

Every time you have contact with her you show her the definition of a loving relationship - and she may not realize it right now, but she will, and it makes all the difference.  That is the only thing that saved me as a child.

I had no one as a child in my immediate family, no one to go to if I had a problem, no one I could trust.  It was an incredibly hostile environment. 

I saw my great aunt (grandmother's sister) once a year or so.  When I was 9 I went to stay with her for a week.  She treated me like gold!  I had never been treated so kindly.  It was a huge eye-opener to me as to what a true loving relationship is.  It meant so much to me that I named my daughter after her.

You most likely can't change your SIL.  I understand that you disagree with her.  I learned, a long time ago, with people like these, even though you disagree - you have to pretend to agree and wrap the conversation around to where you want her to go.  Manipulative?  Yes.  Ugly?  Yes.  Frustrating?  Yes.  Necessary?  Yes.  Worth it?  Yes - because there is no other way to fight for your niece given the SIL’s personality.

I am sure you realize, but if you try to get your SIL to admit that she is wrong (and IMO given the example you gave she is clearly wrong) there is a good possibility that you may be cut out of your niece's life.  And that would be tragic. 

We can't always make the world or people see clearly, but if the need is strong enough, we can use what they give us and try to make something positive out of it if it is important enough - and this is important enough. 

I learned a long time ago that with people who can't admit they are wrong, the only way to get through to them was to use their need to be right to have a positive outcome for all.     

I am not explaining this well - I am sorry.  At the least, please know that you are not failing your niece - you have given her a glimpse of what life can be, and from one who knows, it can make an incredible difference. 

Much love to you,
Peace 

[lighter]

Ummmm.... I think I'm going with acting like a bigger ass, than all my relatives, and see how that works for me.

::nod::


Maybe I'll dawn my witches costume for the entire Holiday Season?

Damn... I just burned my bean soup

Well..... perhaps I was meant to go on a cleanse this week too

There is a certain freedom in not being soley responsible for the familie's appearance of sanity.

::humming 'Freedoms just another word for... nuthin left to lose....::

My sister's already upset that my mother's not being so demanding, of me.....

bc of my tense circumstances.....

this is taking it to another level baby, lol.

Buckle up everybody, it's going to be a bumpy ride. 

I consider this "talking plainly." 

My family will consider it "losing my mind."

Can you imagine what my H's next family gathering will look like, lol?  Heh...

There are soooo many things I have to do, that I don't want to do.

May as well do them MY way.... at least while they'll still let me in the door

[Poppy Seed]

Light, sweetie,

What do you want your SIL to do?  Maybe she always has to be right.  Maybe that is her only way of surviving. And she probably is a royal pain in the ruhaha!  But, Maybe she literally disagrees with you about her daughters care and she doesn't know how to tell you " no thank you on that issue, but please continue to be that awesome aunt that you are".  Maybe she feels the tension....the fight in you......and she feels like she has to fight back.  And she does so with the only thing she has......trusting her  "right" feelings based upon her circumstances and knowledge and stating that to you.  I am trying to decide how I would feel if I were in your SIL's shoes.   I may stand up and insist that I was right.  (and please don't hate me for saying this ) I may set a boundary. 

It seems to me that you are arguing with reality.  And that arguing is causing you stress and guilt and pain and frankly it is getting you worked up.  " She should....she doesn't......if she'd only.....etc."   Let it go, Lighter.  Let it go.  Making a decision about supplements is a mothers choice.   But being the best aunt this side of the mississippi is your choice.  Let her own that choice.  And then embrace what you can do and what you are doing to love and support your extended family.  Set yourself free from the guilt.   Pray that your sil will find treatments/methods that work for that nuclear family.  If you see or hear something helpful....add it to the conversation.....but only that.  And let the outcomes go.  It is stress you don't need and pain that distracts from what is really important --seeing the girl behind those big brown eyes and really knowing and valuing her!  And anyway, maybe what your sil in law needs is to know you support her no matter what she chooses.  Doesn't sound like she has gotton much approval in her life.  Who knows!  She probably really looks up to you and doesn't want to look like she doesn't know stuff in front of you. 

Love you lighter!  What more could this little girl need than an Aunt like you!!

Poppy

ps.  Oh well!  about the soup.  And go on the cleanse!!